Remembering the Oxymoron Biggie Smalls.

 Today is the day that Notorious B.I.G. was killed back in 1997.  He, real name was Christopher Wallace,  was gunned down in Los Angeles. His murder was never solved.

 He was a great great great … (you get it right?) rapper. I myself don’t really care much for rap. I am extremely picky in what I like. However, I loved all of Biggie Smalls music. It was hardcore, and in your face.

 But to remember means you gotta dissect his music. Get in his head.  Live in his waist line. And that’s exactly what we gonna do today. The dissecting part. Not  the wearing his pants part. Because that would ridiculous.

 Note to Biggie Fans: Please don’t shoot me.

 First off I loved all his nicknames: Big Poppa, Notorious B.I.G, Biggie Smalls. He embraced his massive feature. He loved his body which is something we can all learn. Except for the last nickname, Biggie Smalls. That’s a bit of a mind fuck. And though I like a good mind fuck from time to time, it’s ironic that the man was nowhere near “small”. But I am sure Biggie Massive would not have sold.  Just saying … Biggie was obviously a complex man. An oxymoron kind of man. “Isn’t it  ironic …. don’t ya think??”

I digress … whatever the hell that means.

I have like four songs on my iPod. I know big fan, right? That gives me the right (right?) to break one of them down.

Big Poppa

I know this song but heart. However I suck at rapping. But I’ll give you the main lyrics to wet the appetite.

“I love it when you call me Big Poppa; throw your hands in the air if yous a true playa (my hands are sincerely in the air). ”

So here we go. This is Dissecting Notorious!

“To all the ladies in the place with style and grace
Allow me to lace these lyrical duches in your bushes”

Lyrical duches? Great cause I hate duching. And if you could do for me? Damn that’s awesome. And with music? Double awesome. I am so glad women hygiene was a general concern for him. My man won’t even buy me tampons if I need them. However what’s with the whole “bushes” thing? In the late 1990’s, were girls not shaving?? Were they all still maintaining that 70’s fro down under? I shake my head. Lets keep it neat down there ladies. Rap songs are no excuse for ineptness. 

Trim a bush, ya”ll! (Alert alert my new slogan!!)

“Now check it, I got more Mack than Craig
and in the bed
Believe me sweety I got enough to feed the needy
No need to be greedy I got mad friends with Benz’s
C-notes by the layers, true fuckin players
Jump in the Rover and come over
tell your friends jump in the GF3, I got the chronic by the tree “

Right???? So I sooo hate it when men are like I got game. I got mack. Do you? Really? We shall see … how much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

Well?

Nothing! That’s what I thought! Nothing turns me on better than riddles and you just lost this piece baby! 

And he’s got enough to feed the needy? First off I don’t believe in cannibalism. I saw Silence of the Lambs! Eating other humans? I just prefer cow though if we were in a die-hard situation, Biggie would probably be the first to go. If we trapped on Mount Everest. With no food. And he was alive. And someone brought a chainsaw.  All those things would have to be in place for me to eat Biggie.

Oh wait… I get it. He isn’t talking about his waistline. OMG that’s so nasty. Moving on!

“(I love it when you call me Big Pop-pa)
Throw ya hands in the air, if you’s a true playa
(I love it when you call me Big Pop-pa)
To the honnies gettin money playin niggaz like dummies uh
(I love it when you call me Big Pop-pa)
You got a gun up in your waist please don’t shoot up the place (why)
Cause I see some ladies tonight that should be havin my baby
Bay-bey”

Clearly if you are calling someone Big Poppa, you got Daddy issues. That or you are Cuban. I can’t explain their culture.

Who are these ladies playing guys like dummies? Can they teach me? I mean of course it’s awesome to be a woman: Hello free drinks!! Yet, is that all we are good for? Free fucking drinks? No no no! I wanna get the guy to take me home thinking he is gonna get some. I’ll be acting all kinky in the car filling him with all my fantasies for the night. Once we are at his place, I’ll convince him to let me tie him up. Then I’ll rob him blind.  Now that right there is playing guys like dummies.

I like how Biggie pleads to potential killers not to shoot up the place. Uh, he needs to get laid first people! There are ladies in his crew that need to be having his baby… Tonight in fact!  This is just promoting baby mama abuse. Have you heard of that? It’s when a guy has too many baby mama’s.  Their bitching and screaming for the next 18 years will be enough to fill up Monstropolis.  Dear god.. thanks a lot Biggie. How about tying a knot in that thing?

Any way,  despite your oblivious to the Baby Mama’s cause, your killers indeed give you a break and they didn’t shoot up the place. They kindly waited until 1997.

Hey, I guess Va Jay Jay saves. I think I just started a new religion!!!