Becoming an Alcoholic at Wal-Mart

This weekend I was determined to live up to my New Year’s resolution to start drinking. I also developed this plan to try something new every week and blog about it. So I downloaded this app that gives names of cocktail drinks, mixed drinks and instructions on how to make them. This way I will become more sophisticated  when it comes to alcohol and also more drunk.

Oozing sophistication while getting hammered

But because I am a retard I totally forgot to visit the liquor store to stock up and I was left to shop at Wal-Mart. Can you get sophistication with Wal-Mart?

I don’t know. So I frantically scanned the wine section hoping for a miracle when I stumbled onto this.

I was immediately interested.

Wine that is chocolate?

Can it be done? Would it taste magically delicious? Will I have to avoid drinking my much need 8oz glass of milk?

I got a fancy wine glass, put some ice in it, and poured the chocolatey substance.

Wanna know what it tastes like?

It was like I grabbed a bunch of Hersey bars and melted them in some red wine.

It was delish. I could have swam in this drink. It was freaking tasty. And yes pretty strong.

It has to be every girl’s dream to drink chocolate. I felt like a checked off something from a kick the bucket list. I was getting a little hammered last night because I started to become very resourceful.

Imagine all the ways you can use this intoxicating drink.

Warning: Do Not Eat Your Own Face

 

Don't you think Carrie would have been more happier had it been chocolate?

 

The possibilities with chocolate are endless. I know I have I just begun scratching the surface with the ideas. Hold on, here is another one…. is there chocolate porn??

Holy crap there is people!!!

I think I can die now.

But not until I try Choco Wine Raspberry!!!

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Promoting Intoxication the Only Way I Know How

Oh Yeah!

Everybody drinks. It’s relaxing, a great way to get a little loose with ladies (or guys) or even loosen up on the dance floor.

However have you ever deserved a beer or any drink for that matter?

Have you had such a horrible week that you are aching for a glass (or bottle) of wine, your mixed drink of choice, or a beer?

What about your job? Is the job that you do deserving of a beer?

Then this post is for you!

Here are a few “occupations” that I feel are deserving a cold one!!

Drink it up now.

1. Those guys that write  a small summary about what a movie is about on the back of DVD’s.

Yeah, that job must suck! First off, what is your position title even called? It would be highly ironic to say you’re a writer.

Man: Hey man, what do you do?

Man 2: I am a writer.

Man: Nice! What do you write?

Man 2: Ever see those descriptions on the back of DVD movie boxes? That’s me.

Man: Awww man that sucks.

 

What are your guidelines? 140 characters or less? And do you have to see the movie? What if the movie sucked?

Can you express your opinion or even mention that it was made on $1000 budget?

You deserve a beer.

Because your probably aching to say how much the movie was awesome or royally sucked balls.

Instead, you gotta write something cheesy like:  20 something reporter, Josie Geller (played by Drew Barrymore), never really been kissed. (Lame) When she gets assigned to go undercover as a 17-year-old high school student, she sees her chance, and becomes a geek. But things start to get out of hand when her brother joins high school and she falls in love with her high school teacher. (Barf)

Failed writer…. Here’s you beer!

 

2. You work at  Chuck E Cheese

 

Holy Shit that’s like automatic birth control. Everytime I walk into that place I have never found one happy employee.

And if I ever do, I am leaving right away! The happy ones are the freaks!

I can’t imagine dealing with screaming, wild, crying, whining, running, talking, moving, staring, breathing kids all damn day.

How have you not committed suicide? And the stench, cheese and feet?!?!

How was this job your option?? Did you like kids before?

I am guessing now you just wanna throw a skee ball at em.

I feel for you.

You deserve a beer!! Damn everyday of the week!

 

3. Barnyard Masturbator

Do you really need a description for this?!

How about turning the attention to how this can royally fuck you in the head along with your social life?

I can totally see someone with the job dreading the old line, “So what do you do?”

What can you say?!

“I jack off animals. Chicken, horses, cows. Did you know that horses can squirt up to 100 miles an hour? Yeah the more you know.. am I right?”

Oh yea! You’re getting laid!

And even that special one on one time we all have with ourselves gets totally ruined!

Imagine doing yanking barnyards animals all day, you come home, and wanting to unwind, you reach in your pants…. you just grabbed a horse’s ding-dong!

Yours was like several feet smaller! Doesn’t that just make you feel grand?

How can you ever touch your self again? How can you pull it out in front of a girl?!?!

What you should do is pull out pics of a horse’s tiddlewinks in front a chick… watch her eyes widen and say oooo ….

That will never happen to you!

You my friend deserve a beer every hour on the hour!!