29 and Deep Fried

This past Sunday was my birthday. I turned 29 years old.

Weird.

Who imagines being alive this long? Surely I would have been killed in a traffic accident or something gang related, but no I am still here … turning 29 years old.  I am scared to get older… who isn’t? However I think I am more in shock. Wasn’t I just 16 years old like yesterday? Wasn’t turning 21 while breast-feeding still like an hour ago?

Time has passed before my very eyes… and I now have been  alive 29 years. What the….

The shock has not subsided.

So…. I didn’t do anything to celebrate my birthday. I couldn’t.

Friday I went into panic year before 30 years old panic. I went to the store and bought all these facial creme and washes because if I am going to turn 29 years old I am going to damn well look at least 26! I was gone ho to start taking care of my skin, use the appropriate aging products and all that jazz.

I applied it Friday night, Saturday morning, then spent all afternoon  in the sun. And my facial wash and creme baked on my face  BURNING THE SHIT OUT OF MY FACE especially MY EYE LIDS! My eyelids were dark, wrinkled and puffy.

I aged 70 years  over night. Or got in a fight or cried my eyes out.

I was hideous! There was no way in hell I was going anywhere. And the whole situation made  me more mopey and depressed. I was so sad.

My hubby promised to make it all up to me next weekend, when I won’t look like a deep-fried chick.

Truth is, I don’t feel any different.  In my mind I am still 19. I will probably forever feel 19. The physical part is changing…. and I am trying to will it as much as I can. I honestly want to be fine with getting older but who knows when I will come to terms with it. Once being young is done, its done.

All I ask now is that convenience store clerk card… card the shit outta me please!!

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Dress Shopping 101 -Don’t look like a hippie or a lady of the night

I went to the “glorious” mall this weekend in search for a dress to wear to the wedding. I am glad I went with my sister-in-law because I would have not known what to buy. In fact, who knows what I would have walked out  with.

Ahem.

Apparently… I was going for the flow-y stoner dress that would allow me to go skipping through the fields right before they call you to eat some cake. WHICH makes sense to me because it is a garden wedding with hills and a small pond.

I was reminded that I needed a cocktail dress. I needed a dress that shouted I am related to the wedding party even though I am not officially in the wedding. I needed a dress that shouted also indecent proposals will be considered too.

When dress shopping for a dress, there are too many rules. For instance, you can’t wear white. Why not?! There were millions of awesome dresses in white. Truthfully, I may have been asking for trouble buying a white dress. I would have definitely spilled some thing on it. White is asking for trouble.   But again, why can’t you wear a white dress?!?! The bride isn’t going to wear white!!

Everything I picked wasn’t fancy enough. It had to hug your body like it was an anaconda trying to squeeze the life outta you.  At the same time, I could only look the part of an upscale hooker not actually be one. Try explaining that to the sales lady.

I loved all the dresses with pockets.

However, that didn’t scream cocktail/wedding/sophistication/$1000 a night buddy. Still…. a dress with pockets?! I feel like that is a no-brainier. Think of all possibilities! All the little items I could be responsible for. All the little take home wedding accessories/candy I could leave with. Pockets mean safety for me. A place for awkward hands to be kept. A way to look casual and cool and not the least bit outta place.

Sigh.

I also loved the ones that looked very Grecian/Roman looking dresses.

But damnit, they were only available in white and I would have no idea where to store a bra. I am completely completely dependent on a bra. My chest malfunctions with strapless. I need the support!!

In the end I bought a black satin dress. I thought it was a bit biker looking but I was assured that it was not. I get to wear a bra (yay!!), it does squeeze me to stand up tall, and truth be told its something I never would have picked it but it’s daring so I figure what the hell.

The whole time my sister-in-law was trying to flatter me that I could wear a paper bag and still look good.

Then WHY WEREN’T WE AT WALMART THEN?!

The Weekend of the Eternal Break-Up

I have some really really devastating news. I am out of Takis… but worse than that… (hold me guys, hold me!) Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez broke up!!

I was not ready for this- this morning. I just can’t handle this!

First it was Rob and Kristen, now the Biebs and Selena!! What is happening to love?!?! I mean why even try anymore? Why even wake up?

I’m not only one feeling confused, lost, and on the verge of losing it based on this new celeb breakup.

This guy lost all reasoning…. seriously.

The next time Ryan McNames wants to lodge a consumer complaint, he’ll know better than to call the Columbia Police Department.

This Missouri man, 19, dialed cops Saturday night to report that he paid $60 to a pair of prostitutes to perform sexual acts for him. As McNames described it, the deal called for one woman to show him her breasts, while the other would perform oral sex on him in the living room of his mobile home.

Apparently only one “lady of the night” held up her part of the bargain while the other collected cash and bought ran to their car and jammed.

So what did McNames do?  He lodged a complaint! Hell yea! But wait, he didn’t call the HR of Prostitutes R US. No he called the cops!

He also requested that officers contact the woman who did not fellate him and “get $40 of his money back,” police reported.

And so he was arrested!

See what happens when you root for a celeb couple and they let you down!!
Don’t worry Ryan, time heals all things!

Another man is obviously in shock from the break up that he is just getting to work and putting on blinders to the rest of the world.

A man, Dale Porch, was dropped off at home last week after working the night shift for the Regional Transportation District but never made it inside. He died on his porch. Family members say hours later, a mail carrier walked by the body to deliver the mail but did nothing to help. The family says the carrier told them he thought the body was a mannequin, a decoration left over from Halloween.

That mail man was left dead inside. DEAD INSIDE Justin and Selena!!

This woman was arrested drinking and driving. Can you see the hurt in her face? The pain?

But seriously, Best. Mugshot.Ever.

So I leave you now to grieve, to grieve for America. All we can do is hope. Hope that love isn’t lost forever!

WTF Wednesday-Why I Love Twitter

So I don’t have to tell you yesterday was big news. Big!

Through all the tears, hard work, visiting states, baby kissing,  political ads and finally the announcement that many had been or not been waiting for.  Obama will be our president for 4 more years.

But through it all, I had a pretty good laugh.

Why?

Twitter kept me rolling. And I tried to keep up by re-tweeting. Here are a few that made my sign hurt and renewed my love of Twitter.

God Bless America.

America made Twitter so therefore… God Bless America!

My Life in 300 Words or Less

This is not going to about the election, who to vote for, or who I am voting for or whatever.

I know how I feel and that’s all I care about.

Plus it gets annoying.  Annoying is the people who swear the world is going to end if Obama wins. Shut the fuck up people. Tomorrow the sun will rise as it will the next day, the next day, and the next day.
And it doesn’t even matter you guys, the world is gonna end on December 21st anyway. Vote Mayan!!!

So back to what I originally was gonna post … I darn near forgot!

So here are something I have been thinking about in bullet point form. Feel free to discuss our organized and professional I am amongst yourselves.

• It sucks to not have TV!! We have to wait a whole week for them to come out and align us with the sun or something like that. So I am depressed. I am missing my shows, football, my kids watching their cartoons and following me around asking for everything!  DIRECTV you have failed me!!!
• Stop talking about the Walking Dead… I missed it!! God damn you Americans!!!
• I may have to start clipping coupons. I need to save money. That or get a second job. Is anyone hiring?
• Greatest singer ever: R Kelly. That guy can sing about anything. Sex, love, closets. Food for thought people.
• Speaking of food…. I wish I had tamales.
• I won tickets on my local and favorite radio show to go see Eddie Vedder!!! Yep Eddie Vedder… the singer of Pearl Jam. However, there is no Pearl Jam band anymore. It’s just Eddie Vedder with a ukulele. Hmmmm, unsure about this.

 

So there you have it. My life in 300 words or less.

Storm: Bring On the Crazy

Thanks to the internet, I have many friends in the East Coast. I know power is out but I am freaking out that I haven’t heard from them.

So in order to distract my mind from all the if’s, I streamed online for hilarious videos of people being crazy in the midst of the east coasts worst storm in years!!

This first video is near the center of where Hurricane Sandy hit, Atlantic City, New Jersey.

A reporter is out bearing it all for a great weather story stressing how serious the situation is and … well…. not everyone agrees.

On this  next video, I really hope this reporter has life insurance.

When they make this hurricane into a movie, they should call it Hurricane Sandy Epic Drift!!

Some people are not letting the storm stop them. Hurricane-smhurricane!

Others may feel the end is near and just living life to the fullest.  Gangnum Style.

And finally, we get the story straight out of someone who has been through this before.

Someone give these reporters a medal!!

Anyways: Stay Safe people. I am going back to worrying!!

WTF Wednesday- A Lesson in Teabagging

Have you heard this news story?

A video went viral on the Internet appeared to show someone in a University of Alabama jacket exposing his package  and tea bagged an unconscious man at a restaurant after the Crimson Tide beat LSU for the BCS football championship on Jan. 9.

Go search for it… I am at work so I can’t.

You know when you are drinking your favorite Earl Grey hot tea and you lift the tea bag in and out of the liquid …

that is not tea bagging.

Ha! (Hmmm… now I want tea…)

I knew that!

Great knowledge I will one day bestow on my kids.

No, tea bagging is when you are a dude and you place your balls on someone. And rub. Some also attempt to put the package in an unconscious or sleeping victim’s mouth.

Ewww I know… dudes are so gross. New hobbies gentlemen!! New hobbies!!

That Alabama fan was facing sexual battery charges but agreed to a lesser sentence of two years in prison.

Yikes!!

The LSU tea bagging victim has sued the guy, asking damages for “mental anguish, humiliation, embarrassment, anxiety and depression … damage to reputation” and lost tuition payments “for having to withdraw from school.”

Ok. I would totally prefer not to be tea bagged but I bet it’s not the end of the world. Clearly not mental distress. Just take a fucking shower.  And maybe a chemical peel….

In the end the tea bagger fucked himself. Why? Sure he shouldn’t have tea bagged someone but in reality the internet fucked him over. If you are going to do something criminal, don’t video tape it!!!

Retards!!

But back to the victim… do you honestly think you are the only victim of tea bagging ever?

There are male fraternities every where! I bet there is an orgy of tea bagging going on!!

I myself have been involved in tea bagging. And it was hilarious!!! Well not me per se. I lack the necessary equipment.

My best friend was drunk. And we were annoyed because he was falling everywhere. Finally, he collapsed at a field in a park. We were yelling at him for him to get his ass up but he was already in that stupid drunk faze.

His cousin mentioned that he should tea bag him. At this point, we were like yea do it. And he did, and it was hilarious!! It was either that or draw a gigantic dick and balls on his face.

Yea… my friend was a little peeved at me for a while… but it was pretty funny. Ahhh, good times.

And I feel it taught him a lesson.  He never got that wasted again.  And what 10 years later… he is very well-adjusted. He hasn’t killed anyone… yet.

So gentlemen… stick to the actual lifting of an actual tea bag. No one wants your junk on their face. And if you must, please make sure you have washed thoroughly! Last thing we need is a tea bagging disease to end the world.

And please, no photography!!