Oh hell yea I just blasphemed. I make it art!
Before I jump into my movie review I gotta get into this whole Netflix spill.
Inflation affects us all-I got about a month left before I am gonna cancel Netflix. $16 is retarded! I am now a product of inflation! Shit I might have to actually give a shit about voting next year!
Three Words for you…
The Human Centipede.
Two more words.
A mad scientist kidnaps and mutilates a trio of tourists in order to reassemble them into a new “pet”– a human centipede, created by stitching their mouths to each others’ assholes!
I had heard of this movie before and was freaked out. I did a little research on it and knew that if I was going to see this movie, I would have to be prepared.
So what did I do?
1.Changed a shit load of shit filled diapers compliments of my baby boy. Also at the same time, my youngest had a stomach flu with diarrhea!! Golden!!
2. Saw the clip, 2 Girls 1 Cup, a few extra times.
3. Lingered on the scene in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom where the girl is covered in weird ass bugs.
The movie was directed and produced by Tom Six. He already sounds like a serial killer to me.
As the movie begins, you meet the crazed doctor who is crying over a picture of dogs that are lined up head to butt. He is pulled off by a side of the road in his car. Behind him, a truck driver in a 18 wheeler pulls up behind and jumps out with toilet paper in hand and heads for the nearby forest area to take a shit. Obviously.
1. Truck drivers will take a crap anywhere.
2. I will check my shoes constantly for now on.
The crazed scientist comes out with a gun and tranquilized the man.
It then opens up to two girls in a hotel room. They are visiting in Germany traveling through Europe. As soon as these chicks start talking, I knew I was going to be labeling these two as horrible actresses. So obviously what saves this movie is how mental the scientist is and now the charismatic acting on these ladies parts.
Seriously its bad. Like porn movie bad. I could have sworn I saw one of the girls look at the camera.
As you follow the movie, these girls are making arrangements to go to a club. So how they end up isolated from traffic, in a forest, in a deserted road is really beyond me.
Icing on this porn cake? They get a flat tire.
Oh, and they have no cell signal!
What a setup!
The funniest part out of this whole movie is that as soon as they are bitching that they have a flat tire, a car comes rolling by. The car stops adjacent to the girls car. The girls ask the man in English if he can help them with their flat tire. He doesn’t speak English but remarks in German that they are the same bitches on his porn video at home.
The whole time the girls are asking for help and he is talking about fucking them. Ha ha. Its funny.
Once that is all over with, and the guy realizes he ain’t getting laid and drives off, the girls decide to walk and see if they can find someone to help them.
And in between the acting is still bad!
They find a house and lo and behold it’s the doctor’s house.
They explain to the doctor their situation.
He is an asshole from the beginning and asks them two questions.
1. Are you alone?
The bitches say yes! Sigh…. And that is why they will die!
2. Are you tourists?
These bitches end up telling this dude their whole life story. Its exasperating because this is what I am working with. I would have made them into a centipede too. Wait no, I would have stuck to mammals.
He pretends to call a tow truck or something and slips a roofie (date rape drug in their drinks).
This got me thinking… I don’t drink water. I would have been awesome in this situation. I also find it extremely interesting that he keeps the drug in a regular drawer in his kitchen.
One girl passes out quickly. The doctor begins explaining to the one still awake that he slipped them a drug.
And there it begins.
He gets another tourist. A Japanese dude that does not speak English or German.
Once he has them all in the bed, the doctor explains exactly what he is going to do.
He is apparently the best surgeon and specializes in separating Siamese twins. However he wants to conjoin a being to make a centipede. He tried with his three Rottweilers but they died. So he is going to make a centipede out of humans. He explains that he will attach their mouths to each other’s assholes. So when one eats and finally shits, the shit they shit will feed the next person and so on.
It’s fucking nuts, I know. He arranged them Japanese guy first, then the two girls.
I don’t know about you but I found this rude. This rich pompous prick doesn’t have the decency to put the guy at the end?!! I’m just flabbergasted of his manners.
Once his creation is made, he cries “out of joy” for this is his life’s work!!
And of course, you see the Japanese dude claiming to have to take a shit and the one girl swallowing it.
Germans are freaks!!!
As usual police start sniffing around and visit the doctor who basically ruins his cover by acting so narcotic. They get suspicious and promise to back with a warrant.
Meanwhile, his centipede has gotten his tools used in surgery and attacks him when he comes back.
Then the Japanese gives an Oscar worthy performance telling the doctor that he deserves this fate. He was selfish and has forsaken his family. He deserves to die and he cuts his own throat. The girl in the back is also dying from poison.
Cops confront the doctor and they all end up dead from a shoot out.
The girl in the middle is left with a dead head (lol) and the girl behind her dying shortly after that.
The Freakin End.
Even though I was able to laugh at a lot in the movie, it was disturbing. And very suspenseful. I was on edge the whole time. It was also terribly creepy .
So I survived the movie… I am not so much as grossed out as I am looking over my shoulder making sure no one wants to make me into a fucking centipede.
I still don’t get it .. why a centipede?? Spiders are totally cooler.
I think the lesson here is not to travel to Europe. Haven’t y’all seen Hostel?!? Those Europeans are crazy!
P.S. You all owe me for this one. I had to sleep with a machete!