In the room where I sleep … my thoughts overflow.

Posts tagged ‘Snorting Coffee No Longer Works’

The Essentials for Christmas/Zombie Apocalypse

Last night a discussion with my hubby reconfirmed my decision that I married the right guy.

We were talking about how nice the three wood shutters we have installed on some of the windows were and how they were really fancy. I expressed how much I loved them. Gus expressed that we should do all the windows but that it would probably be really expensive.

I frowned because I hate expensive things.

Gus cheered me up by saying, ” Well they would be really useful in securing the windows if there was a zombie apocalypse.”

That is how he normally gets me. He tells me he bought something and then adds in case there is a zombie apocalypse and I sigh a wave of relief.  I willingly admit it works on me every time because you never know. Crazier shit has happened! Okay, well that is not entirely true.
Nothing has happened that is crazier than zombies… at least not in my town.

Anyways, I have come to reason that not everything at our local Wal-Mart is we would need to survive a zombie apocalypse.

Here is a list I have put together with everything I would need:

1)  The Walking Dead Series

Never have I seen a more accurate portrayal of what would happen to the world if there really was a zombie apocalypse.  I will just remember, shoot anyone with the name of Carl.

2)M48 Apocalypse Tactical Tomahawk series

With a wide, up swept axe blade, the ATT has a massive slash for decapitating walkers. The secondary edge on the back of the head is specially sharpened on both edges for a hook attack guaranteed to puncture the spicy brains of any zombie. Lightweight enough to carry all day, toting the ATT won’t tire out before you get back to the safety of your camp.

Me likey!!!

3)  Bacon green beans

When I was doing zombie research, this kept coming up as an essential. I think the internet is trying to tell me something.  Plus this looks really good!

4) Dead On Annihilator Superhammer

  • Fourteen inches of forged steel multitool with rubber grip (forged steel!! *Tool man groan*)
  • Built-in:
    • Dead-On bottle-opener
    • Multi-purpose wrench
    • Nail puller
    • Demolition axe rips through dry wall, shingles, strips conduit, beheads zombies *
    • Chisel smashes through tile, brick, concrete, skulls *

    Need I say more! How is this  not issued to us once we are born? And… it will definitely fit in my purse!

    5) Plush Zombie Slippers

    Nothing shows more that your game face is on when you are sporting these babies!

    So if you are at a stand still on what to get me for Christmas, any of these will suffice. And you should probably think about adding some of this to your own collection.

    You’re Welcome!

This Just In: Mondays are More Depressing than We Thought

I cursed the day this morning. As soon as I heard the alarm, I heard the most horrible livid words come spewing out of my mouth.

Me? The Saint.

I know right? I am just as surprised as you. Mother fucking Monday ruining my day.

Mondays make it hard for a me to smile. In fact, I probably won’t smile until 11:18 A.M. and not a minutes less.

Studies show that I am going to arrive  late to work and actually work only 3 hours.  I am fucking screwed today people!! All because it’s a Monday.

I figured that there has to be way…. there has to be a way to beat the negativity that Mondays bring.

Work is my tribe.  I spend more time here then I do at home (someone needs to fix that!!). I need to reconnect with these people cause though, I hate the majority of them, they are still my tribe. We  are essentially cavemen in city suits.  And we are experiencing this Monday together.

Sure there are some I would let the Saber tooth tiger of life eat like the crazy always cheerful receptionist in Admin who I think is high on Meth and not the supposed “high on God” she so claims.

Perhaps I need to linger around the ole coffee pot and connect. You know, feel part of the tribe.

But oh God, there is “Dipweed” of Purchasing that sooooooooooo wants to tell you about his weekend. He stands there staring at you with his goofy smile, watching you prepare the shit you call coffee but can actually fuel a 18 wheeler.

He asks how was your weekend. I know he doesn’t really wanna know about my weekend…. I answer him anyways counting down in my head how long it will take him to interrupt me…

1…2…3…

“That’s great… we had a barbecue this weekend. Had the in-laws over. You know how that goes… my daughter said the cutest thing…. blah blah blah…”

Why isn’t this coffee poison?!?!

 And after that … well its all down hill after that.

The next few hours are for remorse…. remorse and regret about not fully enjoying the weekend, not taking more naps, not watching more tv, not appreciating the bed/sofa/refrig.

Monday …. you suck. No matter how I try to see it you are trouble. You bring more days just like you!  You remind me how short life is and how I can’t do it because I am too busy doing the responsibilities you bring in!!  It’s the longest day of the week; it’s a proven scientific fact. Each second is .88892% longer. Just because it’s Monday.

Plus I heard that Monday eats small children, puppies, and little people.

Stupid Google Searches

I am somewhat disappointed when I took a look at my  searches that people google or bing to get to my blog.

You people are lame. Where is the scandalous stuff?!?! Huh? Did you guys find another blog? Do I need to talk about more ass and boobs? Is that not enough fornication and lust written here?! Tell me what! What??

1. Fatty on a Bike: Are you kidding me? Obviously for all kinds of reason this should be illegal (i.e. you are distracting, I could crash looking at you, you are hanging out on both sides, your poor bike, etc), but this isn’t something to search!

Unless of course you like this kind of thing… or you wish to ban it for the sake of motorcycles everywhere.

Sigh. Do what you must.

2. Exhausted: Sure all the time. I am even exhausted waking up. How the fuck I remember to put on shoes and to shave is beyond me.  This morning  I walked into the bathroom three times before I remembered I need to shower.

Definition of exhausted: me!

I am so tired I just agree with everyone but I don’t remember who that everyone is!

3. Is Snorting Coffee Bad For You:   Damn why am I giving up medical advice and not getting paid for it?! Damn government!

Ok, for you retards who wonder… the answer is NO but if you do this for a long period of time… you might become mental.  I snort coffee every once in a while. Especially when I am low in cash and an espresso shot is beyond my means.   You know those days you gotta pick between fancy pearl tampons that look so pretty but cost arm and leg or the bulky plastic uncomfortable tampons that have no color or personality that only cost a toe. Sigh…. those decisions.

Where was I?

Oh yea…. snorting.  Do it every so often… especially if you are without a cup or a coffee maker.

4. Red Carpet Affairs:  I don’t understand this search. Are you looking for red carpet events? Why didn’t you just say that?

I hear affairs and I channel back to my days of sitting in front of the tube with ole Grandma watching her novellas and One Life to Live.

Marty was gang raped?!?!?! Not on the red carpet!!!

Please be specific.

5. Givong the Fibger:  Uhhhhhhhh

6. Giving the Finger: Well glad we got it right on the second time…

dumbass!

I have done that a few times on my blog… but this is not spicy enough obviously.

Next blog we are talking about anal plugs and how they disgust me!

7. Do You Remember Me:  Yes! Wait… no…

I am so exhausted.

What kind of weirdo searches for that?

In conclusion, I need to up the ante. Maybe talk about porn more, or sex. Or maybe the crazy shit I have been watching.

Oh maybe its a Monday and people just aren’t in the mood.

I totally understand that… I suggest snorting coffee. Gets in the blood faster!

Music Revolution- Getting It In Gear

Its Friday but I am dragging. I feel like I have a hunchback.  I need this musical revolution charge more than you! So if its to loud.. I am sorry. I can’t have alcohol at work….

This is what  I was screaming in my head this morning…. stupid mornings!

Veruca Salt- Volcano Girls

I love this band so much here is another one!!

Veruca Salt- Shutterbug

God I love them ladies!!

Oooo and now some Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

Here is Date with The Night

And eff it all one more for the road.

Now you guys can see how I attempted to dress like when I was in high school.

No Doubt- Just A Girl

Happy Effin Friday… is it Happy Hour yet!??!

My 27 year Old Melt Down- Saturn Noooooo!!

This is not promotion that my birthday is coming up.

No not at all.

(September 8)

 

That would be shameless  promotion.

The point is that I am turning 27!! 

Forget the fact that I am three years away from 30!

The big deal is that I could die!!!

Gulp!!

And by default I am automatically enrolled in the 27 club!

What is the 27 club, you ask?

The 27 Club, also occasionally known as the Forever 27 Club, Club 27 or the Curse of 27, is the title for an epitomic group of influential musicians who all died at the age of 27. They are generally considered to have led a “rock and roll” lifestyle.

I will forcibly be enrolled into the club. And now I will die… sometime in my 27th year!!

And I don’t wanna hear your whining! “Marina isn’t a influential rocker!” or “Hello Marina! This is for musicians only!”

I sing just as much as Amy Winehouse! Sure my shit aint’ recorded… yet… but I sing! Hear me the damn car! In the shower!  I am like a triple threat. I got moves, the voice and blonde hair now! Why wouldn’t the curse befall on my head?!? How could it not?!?!

The simple fact is I am going to die. Probably for overdosing. The only problem is I am not a chronic user of anything. This is the part where I request a prescription to pain medicine or some heavy muscle relaxers.

please??

Or I can take up alcohol. Which I already decided to do so because I heard it keeps you young. I want my pores to scream out… “Hey you there! Look the fuck at me! Look! Fuck me!!”

Amy Winehouse.  Janis Joplin. Jimi Hendrix.  Kurt Cobain. Jim Morrison. Robert Johnson. Brian Jones. This list goes on and on. All these people died at 27 years old!!

WTF! Doesn’t that alarms to any of you?! It should! Why? Because I am going to be 27!!

The theory is that the planet Saturn is the reason. It wants only 27-year-old people in their planet. Something about hot and multi-talented people only. A-list. I am just gonna stop right there so i don’t  overwhelm you with my self-confidence. Because I ooozzzzzeee self confidence.

Or… and this totally more probable … Something called ‘Saturn’s Return’ first appears in our zodiac charts between the ages of 27 and 30.  Saturn is thought to rule sorrow and regret, representing suffering and the ‘door to infinite wisdom.’ A well placed Saturn in your chart can bring huge success, but for those who aren’t ready for it can bring a time of severe suffering.

And guess what…Saturn is known as the Grim Reaper. Mother of God!!

I am not ready for success. Yesterday I drew lipstick all over my face… for the hell of it. I tried tucking my pretend penis between my legs! I already have been beating people with umbrellas.

I can’t bring myself to shave my head but I shaved my vajay jay. Yep all of it!

Do you hear the crazy laughter? It’s coming from me!!!

And the only way to deal is to drink! Pop pills. Snort something!

Oh god I just snorted pencil shavings!

I am now totally fucked up. Ohhhh go!! Why why!!

It’s cause I fucking got these highlights right?

Now I look like a White Person but with a Mexican tan!  I almost miss the questions if I do windows!

 

 

 

Wow, this is what it comes down too.

1. Do you like purple dinosaurs: Of course… especially the ones that sing and laugh all retardedly. They entertain my kids for hours!

2. What’s kind of sneakers you got: Nike Shoxs… is that what they are called?? (shrugs)

3. How smart are you from  1-10: On a good day a 7; on a bad day a 3

4. Name a word with 2 or more meanings: uhhhhhhhh shit.

5. If i gave you a million bucks, what would you buy first: A huge ass house

6. Watch u gonna do with all that junk?: You are an amateur… I’m obviously gonna get you drunk on my hump … my lovely lady lumps

7. Whos better lil Wayne, drake, kanye west, Rick ross, or Justin bieber:  Damnit! I am going with Kanye. This is wrong isn’t it?

8. Name something you would never say to your mom : Woman go make me a sandwich now!

9. Would you rather be able to teleport, fly, read minds,invisible, or move things with finger: WTF all of the above! How can you teleport and not fly? Some people ….

10. Who is the best actor or actress: Actress- I like Sandra Bullock but honestly the correct answer are the ones that are willing to take off their clothes;  Actor: the ones that marry non celebrity moms that live in El Paso TX

11. Who were you with last night: Who is asking this? My husband? JK … I was with my amigos (da kids)

12.What woke you up this morning: The fucking Sun… bastard!

13. Is tonight going to be a good night: Why yes it is!!! Tomorrow I don’t work … so hells yea!!

14. What’s on your mind RIGHT now: Food … thats always on my mind

15. Would you take a bullet for anyone:  Yea def for my hubby and kids

16. Do you listen 2 music everyday: Is a witches tit hot? I just found this morning… they are for some reason.

17. What is your favorite kind of soda: Coke … I’m pretty basic.

18. How long til your b-day: 3 months but who’s counting

19. Does a kiss make you feel better:  Of course…. but in certain places. (comedic drum roll)

20. Do you start the water before you get in the shower: Of course, my water gots to prepare itself for me

21. Have you ever had stitches: Nope I am accident prone but not enough for the ER

22. What are you doing tomorrow: Eating and sleeping

23. What is your favorite cereal: Golden Grahams

24. Funniest thing you heard all day: This tweet: The only pick-up line you need when hitting on fat girls is “Do you suck dick? If not please don’t waste my time.”

25. Do you snore: I don’t think so…

26. What was the last thing you had to drink: I had the morning alcohol … gasoline coffee

27. What is your favorite kind of soup: Tortilla …

28. Taco sauce- Hot, Medium, or Mild: Hot yo with a big glass of water!

29. Have you ever used someone else’s toothbrush: Yes… as long as I don’t think about it too much I am ok

30. Would you rather get up early or sleep in: Sleep in

31. Who would you want to be stuck in a cave with: 1. My husband but if he is unavailable Bear Grylls.. I wanna live damnit!

32. Look to your left, what do you see: Maps

33. Four words to explain why you last threw up? Fucken Chinese Didn’t Cook (right)

34. Favorite cuss word: Fuck

35. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?My bosses … they  are all golfing together

36. Do you laugh at people with “bowl” haircuts? Fuck yea… those people are tards!!

37. What would you Do if rudolph the red nosed reigndeer showed up in ur yard? “Vern get my gun, I got dinner tonight! Yee haw”

38. do you agree that penguins are AWESOME!!! ? I totally do!

39. Do you actually believe Alaska is covered in snow? Yes… wait is this a Palin trick question?

40. Do you believe in unicorns? Yes. Unicorns are magically

41. Do you think people who spend a lot of time online are time-wasters? What  the fuck did you call me?

42. If you had a new identity, who would you be? I would be Kim Kardashian… I would probably molest myself all the time.

43. Thoughts on Taylor Swift: She is cute. Taylor, you better not turn into a ho!

44. Thoughts on bitches: Well where they at???

45. Did you lie on this questionnaire?  Unquestionably

I’m Not Drunk You Shilly Sit

 Yes.

This is the way I feel from Saturday.

It’s now Monday and the crappy feeling has not subsided.

If this is my body’s personal intervention on my ass to get me to not drink, well HA!

The joke’s on you.

I plan to get better. I am going to be an overachiever of achieving a permanent buzz. Sooner or later I’ll get used to it, and it will be just another day in the woods. Well, if I was drinking in the woods.

I promise not to promise to make a complete ass of myself in public when I do get wasted.

But I will never get wasted… cause I will just be one cool cat.

A very drunk cool cat.

Damn… who made the sun so hot?

Tell them to turn it down.

Where the hell is the thermostat to the sun?!?!?

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