In the room where I sleep … my thoughts overflow.

Posts tagged ‘Bitchiness’

Dress Shopping 101 -Don’t look like a hippie or a lady of the night

I went to the “glorious” mall this weekend in search for a dress to wear to the wedding. I am glad I went with my sister-in-law because I would have not known what to buy. In fact, who knows what I would have walked out  with. 3809563_f260

Ahem.

Apparently… I was going for the flow-y stoner dress that would allow me to go skipping through the fields right before they call you to eat some cake. WHICH makes sense to me because it is a garden wedding with hills and a small pond.

I was reminded that I needed a cocktail dress. I needed a dress that shouted I am related to the wedding party even though I am not officially in the wedding. I needed a dress that shouted also indecent proposals will be considered too.

When dress shopping for a dress, there are too many rules. For instance, you can’t wear white. Why not?! There were millions of awesome dresses in white. Truthfully, I may have been asking for trouble buying a white dress. I would have definitely spilled some thing on it. White is asking for trouble.   But again, why can’t you wear a white dress?!?! The bride isn’t going to wear white!!

Everything I picked wasn’t fancy enough. It had to hug your body like it was an anaconda trying to squeeze the life outta you.  At the same time, I could only look the part of an upscale hooker not actually be one. Try explaining that to the sales lady.

I loved all the dresses with pockets. 50034f-682x1024

However, that didn’t scream cocktail/wedding/sophistication/$1000 a night buddy. Still…. a dress with pockets?! I feel like that is a no-brainier. Think of all possibilities! All the little items I could be responsible for. All the little take home wedding accessories/candy I could leave with. Pockets mean safety for me. A place for awkward hands to be kept. A way to look casual and cool and not the least bit outta place.

Sigh.

I also loved the ones that looked very Grecian/Roman looking dresses.

C026-Black-by-Blush-Prom-Dress-S11But damnit, they were only available in white and I would have no idea where to store a bra. I am completely completely dependent on a bra. My chest malfunctions with strapless. I need the support!!

In the end I bought a black satin dress. I thought it was a bit biker looking but I was assured that it was not. I get to wear a bra (yay!!), it does squeeze me to stand up tall, and truth be told its something I never would have picked it but it’s daring so I figure what the hell.

The whole time my sister-in-law was trying to flatter me that I could wear a paper bag and still look good.

Then WHY WEREN’T WE AT WALMART THEN?!

So Optimistic I Wanna Kill Someone

Oh God… it’s Monday.

Even though I don’t want to be “here” I am still giving it my all. I am still a good mood. I am not taking out my internal anger on how the weekend flew by so fast on anyone here.

So here  I am happy and working at the office.

Then shit just got real!

Shit hit the fan.

And now I am royally pist that I wanna take my stapler and beat some people over the head with it.

I notice that one of the vendors is bringing in some donuts.

Preferably, I don’t care for sweets. I just don’t. If you made me choose between a steak and cake I will always pick the steak. Every time. We, in the office, see the vendor walking in and all I say is, “Man I wish he had brought some breakfast tacos. My stomach can’t handle sugar this morning.”

As soon as the vendor walks in I greet him and my co-worker throws me under the bus saying, “Tell him what you said.”

I was like what the fuck are you doing…

He goes and ahead and says that I said the old vendor used to bring in breakfast tacos.

Mother fucker!!

Are you kidding me? Are we in high school???

Then the ass hole co-worker tells me that now the vendor will bring breakfast tacos like if it was some sort of little plan he and I were in on!!

I did not say that. I didn’t even imply anything rude or mean. I didn’t even say it in a bitchy tone. If you know me, you will know that there isn’t any bitchiness in me.

Then the vendor goes and tells my boss. Oh they laugh it off like its a big joke.

I should never have opened my stupid mouth. I have no idea what is holding me back from spearing my co-worker in the eye with my purple BIC round stic Grip pen.

Then my boss asks me where a certain file it. I ask him what year it was done in. It was last year so I point him in the direction of  the 2011 files. Well he can’t find it so I get up and look for it. Then he gets exasperated and takes it upon himself to label all MY shit.

I spend the whole morning trying to find the damn folder come to find out that it wasn’t done last year but in 2010. It was his project you think he would know that. He has been here long enough, you would think he would know the system that THEY created and I just follow.

Then he feels like I am too messy and must label everything on my desk so he can find stuff. Nothing on my desk belongs to him!! I have nothing for him. The project folder was in the correct place according to year.

This is all just part of their plan to own me business-ly speaking… if that makes sense.

And I refuse. I refuse to be their little woman, their pet, their anything. I just work here and that’s all I wanna do. They seem to forget that I am the only women here and that my emotions can and will run wild. And if I ever was to murder them I would do it while I was on period. Women have got off for murder because they have pleaded temporary insanity.

We all can agree that we don’t need the only female in the office to go postal. God forbid, THOSE guys would have to actually do some work!!

So here I am clenching my fists, grinding my teeth trying to stay away from anything sharp.

Just breathe, smile…. its not everyone’s fault that you are surrounded by dumb asses.

Breathe….. smile….. breathe…..

Winter; How I loathe you?!?

Yes!

You know what I was doing at 6am in the mornin?

Scraping damn ice off my Tahoe. I did it with a cigarette box I found on the floor. I mean who keeps cardboard around or anything for scrapping windows?

Who?!?!?

I was going to turn on my froster  but my door wouldn’t open.

Stupid ice!
I pulled and pulled slipping and sliding and finally that door became unstuck.

I hate you Winter!!!

I know I would die if I moved up north. How do you people up there do it!??! I would need to permanently attach a heater to my ass!

I hate you winter!!

It doesn’t matter what I wear…. I am still freezing.  And even though I live in a dry hot city the majority of the year, once December hits I start to freak out. Frost bite is possible.

And though I know in all my final destinational thoughts, I am not going to freeze to death (my death is going to be in a car accident, I just know it) I sure as hell don’t wanna lose any of my piggies to Frost Bite.

My neighbor!

I can’t feel my toes…. seriously. The heat is at 72 degrees. We need to up it now!!!

It’s effin cold!

Just an update!

Revisiting the Smart Car…. That Still Sucks.

Over the weekend I ran to the store and as I was walking in I saw parked up front a smart car.

Awwwwwww am I right??

However, I got angry! My Tahoe could have used that space!!! Notice how the smart car is this tiny thing in this space!!! You could fit five Smart cars in there!!! Why don’t we do that for now on?!?! Lets just cram five of them in one space.  I like that idea!!

Yeah let’s do it!!

I don’t know if you remember but I wrote a blog many moons ago about the Smart Car and basically how they sucked. At the time, I was just being stupid and sarcastic. However a lot of people gave me grief about my blog in turn making me actually hate the Smart Car and their “supposed” purpose.

My theory is its a conspiracy by the government for control on the growing population. Convince the masses that it’s a cool unique smart car, have them by it, then BOOM! a 18 wheeler comes crashing into you leaving nothing but broken glass everywhere.

Touche government, touche.

Feel free to read up ….. What\’s the Deal-Smart Car

I love the Smart Car’s slogan. It’s so uncar or open your mind to the car that challenges the status quo.

Here is the so-called benefit to the Smart Car: Over 96 million Americans drive to work alone each day. That means there are about 288,675,000 empty seats commuting to and from work. Astonishing. That’s why we got rid of the backseat entirely.

I am sorry but that is stupid. If that is the case… then the whole of this car is for lonely fucks!! Fucks that don’t have kids or a lover!!! If  a guy got rolled up in a Smart Car…. jaaaaaaaaaaaaaa,  I can just imagine what the “real package” looks like.

I’ll be like…  I didn’t order a smart car! I ordered a bull dozer baby!!

People who drive these cars probably sing… Eric Carmen’s All By Myself!!

Yeah yeah I said!

Also, what the fuck is this!?!

“Look son, this is what you will inherit.”

“Gee Dad doesn’t look much bigger then the car I drive now.”

“I know what it looks like but it will save you a lot of gas and it will keep you very unlaid.”

“Awww really dad!! That’s what I always wanted…. a non pimp-mobile! I wanna stay a virgin forever. “

“Well here it is. I just gotta make sure no one sneezes on it til you turn 16!”

Damnit!!

Well at least, you got the extended warranty.

Why is it called Smart Car anyways?

Is it just because it saves on gas? Is it because you not only bought a car but also a coffin and burial plot in one??

I am sorry but that ain’t very smart.

You know what is smart though??

A car that would prevent you from crashing. Yeah, that would be smart!

You know what would be smart… if there was a radar that would alert you when you got to close to another car. That would be smart!!

And lets say you ignored the alert, then a brake assist system would kick in and apply the brakes, bringing the car to a stop, if needed. Yes! That would be fucking intelligent!!

Too bad we don’t have this technology!

Wait!!!

We do!!

Mercedes has it! And yes Mercedes is actually a real life car!!!

Now shouldn’t that be called a Smart Car?

Just because Justin Bieber now wears glasses doesn’t make him smart…. so we wouldn’t call him that  unless he was actually fucking smart, right??

I get the angle of the Smart Car but it doesn’t make sense!! I say this as I hit my head with my fists!

All these yuppie loving Smart Car drivers need to find an island and not shower together!!

(dropped the mic and walked away George Jefferson style)

Things I Wish I Could Say to People But Can’t

Things I Wish I Could Say to People But Can’t

  1. Stop being so bitchy about everything!
  2. It’s just a joke dumb ass.
  3. What the fuck it wrong with you?!?!
  4. Dude, just chill out!
  5. Don’t hate on people!!
  6. Get off your ass and help me!!
  7. You are such a dick!
  8. You are my best friend!!
  9. Why do I gotta do everything??
  10. Help!
  11. God doesn’t have to be the answer to everything. He did give you a brain!
  12. Stop preaching to me! I am totally fine with going to hell!
  13. I miss you.
  14. Dude seriously, are you gay?
  15. I just want you to hug me. Can you do that?
  16. You like her better than me. Why don’ t you just say it?!?!
  17. Why the fuck are you hating on celebrities?? That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard!!
  18. Don’t poison my kids with your crappy ideas of religion!!
  19. I need a break!!!
  20. I say, “I love you so much.” But what I really mean is I love you so much. I can’t picture life without you. I didn’t appreciate life until I saw your face. If it wasn’t for you, I never would have found this peace I have now. You can never understand how much its a blessing to know you.

Things I Hate….

I didn’t have time to watch a movie because I

  • ate a big dinner
  • twittered
  • played words with friends
  • took Roly Furie Poly outside to shit
  • cleaned up (not really)
  • watched the new Jenny Marbles video
  • took a nap
  • cleaned again (kinda)
  • did homework with Savannah
  • took Roly Furie Poly outside to shit
  • saw American Horror Story episode 3
  • freak out for the rest of the night (the whole night!!)
  • sleep with a machete

So alas because I was so busy I didn’t have time to watch a movie… fuck!!

So today I will bless you with

Things I Hate

  • big fucking spiders
  • Dr Pepper
  • lesbians that don’t hit on me. What the hell is wrong with me?
  • losing in Words for Friends 50 million times
  • sneezing so hard it hurts
  • stapling my fingers for the 11th time
  • my mother. Ok I don’t hate her but she annoys me.
  • When I ask something and my dumbass co-workers asks, “Well what would Jesus do?”
  • when something plastic is left on my hot flat iron and burn the shit out of it and not notice and then it gets  all over my hair
  • K-Ci & Jo Jo
  • Beyonce except when she was in Destiny’s child
  • Grenade and Lazy Day song… are you serious people?!?!?
  • When people burn popcorn
  • Detroit. What the fuck is wrong with the people in that city?
  • Nebraska. Stupid corn!
  • that work has a no dancing policy
  • that all the Repo shows are reenactments. BS I tell you!!
  • when you’re taking a shit in a public bathroom, and there are six empty stalls, and someone comes in and takes the stall right next to you. Whichever presidential candidate makes that illegal, gets my vote.
  • when you can’t tell if someone if a man or a female. Stop confusing the fucking world
  • when you can’t tell is pregnant or not. Please wear a sign!
  • People at Walmart who exit through the enter and vice versa
  • Will Smith’s music career
  • that people don’t love the Spice Girls like I do
  • the fact that there are no more Spice Girls
  • that I always stuck with J and L as my last letters on Words with Friends.
  • that Words with Friends is racist!!!
  • the stuff that bicyclists wear… you nut huggers
  • when people don’t laugh at my jokes

 

Now laugh!!!

To FaceBook Or Not To Facebook

Its true. I don’t have a Facebook.

I used to have one… I would say a couple of years back. The only reason I got one was to play a few online games (Oregon Trail, the company I worked for had cool games, etc). Then it just got chaotic!

What the hell was all that shit on the wall?? How many times can you get poked before you go on a shooting spree!??!?

However, my mother has a Facebook. Why is this a big deal?

She doesn’t know how to log into her own computer and she is Facebook-ing?!?!

I remember that as soon as I got one, immediately people who I went to school with befriended me.  Now if you know me, you know that I RUN from people who I went to school with.

I saw a dude I had a few classes with in middle school at a local grocery store. I hid behind the watermelons. What makes you think I am going to be like OMG how are you?!?! I really could give a fuck about what people are doing now.I mean if you are in mental hospital or in jail, that’s some pretty awesome news. You got fat? Splendid! You been divorced two times? Peachy! All awesome news… but I don’t wanna talk about it.

So that’s one con.

I also don’t like the stupid random shit people put.

Status Update: “I just ate a ham sandwich.”

Awesome! I hope you choke on that shit! Or hopefully that ham was bad you get e coli!

I would something cool like….  I am eating a ham sandwich while I take a massive shit!

Thats honest and crazy!!

Another thing that is annoying is that everyone …EVERYONE… what you post. And you gotta take great care not to embarrass yourself and make you look like an ass!!

Exhibit A:

 Exhibit B:

Exhibit C & D

What you do put on the internet lives on forever people?!

I don’t think I can handle the pressure!!

So in conclusion… I would love to see your babies, I would like to keep up with your every minute daily life of shitting and eating and who you fucked, and I would love to see those drunk pictures, but sadly, I think I am still passing on Facebook.

Sorry Mark.

I hope you actually got laid in college.

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