In the room where I sleep … my thoughts overflow.

Posts tagged ‘Bitchiness’

Dress Shopping 101 -Don’t look like a hippie or a lady of the night

I went to the “glorious” mall this weekend in search for a dress to wear to the wedding. I am glad I went with my sister-in-law because I would have not known what to buy. In fact, who knows what I would have walked out  with. 3809563_f260

Ahem.

Apparently… I was going for the flow-y stoner dress that would allow me to go skipping through the fields right before they call you to eat some cake. WHICH makes sense to me because it is a garden wedding with hills and a small pond.

I was reminded that I needed a cocktail dress. I needed a dress that shouted I am related to the wedding party even though I am not officially in the wedding. I needed a dress that shouted also indecent proposals will be considered too.

When dress shopping for a dress, there are too many rules. For instance, you can’t wear white. Why not?! There were millions of awesome dresses in white. Truthfully, I may have been asking for trouble buying a white dress. I would have definitely spilled some thing on it. White is asking for trouble.   But again, why can’t you wear a white dress?!?! The bride isn’t going to wear white!!

Everything I picked wasn’t fancy enough. It had to hug your body like it was an anaconda trying to squeeze the life outta you.  At the same time, I could only look the part of an upscale hooker not actually be one. Try explaining that to the sales lady.

I loved all the dresses with pockets. 50034f-682x1024

However, that didn’t scream cocktail/wedding/sophistication/$1000 a night buddy. Still…. a dress with pockets?! I feel like that is a no-brainier. Think of all possibilities! All the little items I could be responsible for. All the little take home wedding accessories/candy I could leave with. Pockets mean safety for me. A place for awkward hands to be kept. A way to look casual and cool and not the least bit outta place.

Sigh.

I also loved the ones that looked very Grecian/Roman looking dresses.

C026-Black-by-Blush-Prom-Dress-S11But damnit, they were only available in white and I would have no idea where to store a bra. I am completely completely dependent on a bra. My chest malfunctions with strapless. I need the support!!

In the end I bought a black satin dress. I thought it was a bit biker looking but I was assured that it was not. I get to wear a bra (yay!!), it does squeeze me to stand up tall, and truth be told its something I never would have picked it but it’s daring so I figure what the hell.

The whole time my sister-in-law was trying to flatter me that I could wear a paper bag and still look good.

Then WHY WEREN’T WE AT WALMART THEN?!

So Optimistic I Wanna Kill Someone

Oh God… it’s Monday.

Even though I don’t want to be “here” I am still giving it my all. I am still a good mood. I am not taking out my internal anger on how the weekend flew by so fast on anyone here.

So here  I am happy and working at the office.

Then shit just got real!

Shit hit the fan.

And now I am royally pist that I wanna take my stapler and beat some people over the head with it.

I notice that one of the vendors is bringing in some donuts.

Preferably, I don’t care for sweets. I just don’t. If you made me choose between a steak and cake I will always pick the steak. Every time. We, in the office, see the vendor walking in and all I say is, “Man I wish he had brought some breakfast tacos. My stomach can’t handle sugar this morning.”

As soon as the vendor walks in I greet him and my co-worker throws me under the bus saying, “Tell him what you said.”

I was like what the fuck are you doing…

He goes and ahead and says that I said the old vendor used to bring in breakfast tacos.

Mother fucker!!

Are you kidding me? Are we in high school???

Then the ass hole co-worker tells me that now the vendor will bring breakfast tacos like if it was some sort of little plan he and I were in on!!

I did not say that. I didn’t even imply anything rude or mean. I didn’t even say it in a bitchy tone. If you know me, you will know that there isn’t any bitchiness in me.

Then the vendor goes and tells my boss. Oh they laugh it off like its a big joke.

I should never have opened my stupid mouth. I have no idea what is holding me back from spearing my co-worker in the eye with my purple BIC round stic Grip pen.

Then my boss asks me where a certain file it. I ask him what year it was done in. It was last year so I point him in the direction of  the 2011 files. Well he can’t find it so I get up and look for it. Then he gets exasperated and takes it upon himself to label all MY shit.

I spend the whole morning trying to find the damn folder come to find out that it wasn’t done last year but in 2010. It was his project you think he would know that. He has been here long enough, you would think he would know the system that THEY created and I just follow.

Then he feels like I am too messy and must label everything on my desk so he can find stuff. Nothing on my desk belongs to him!! I have nothing for him. The project folder was in the correct place according to year.

This is all just part of their plan to own me business-ly speaking… if that makes sense.

And I refuse. I refuse to be their little woman, their pet, their anything. I just work here and that’s all I wanna do. They seem to forget that I am the only women here and that my emotions can and will run wild. And if I ever was to murder them I would do it while I was on period. Women have got off for murder because they have pleaded temporary insanity.

We all can agree that we don’t need the only female in the office to go postal. God forbid, THOSE guys would have to actually do some work!!

So here I am clenching my fists, grinding my teeth trying to stay away from anything sharp.

Just breathe, smile…. its not everyone’s fault that you are surrounded by dumb asses.

Breathe….. smile….. breathe…..

Winter; How I loathe you?!?

Yes!

You know what I was doing at 6am in the mornin?

Scraping damn ice off my Tahoe. I did it with a cigarette box I found on the floor. I mean who keeps cardboard around or anything for scrapping windows?

Who?!?!?

I was going to turn on my froster  but my door wouldn’t open.

Stupid ice!
I pulled and pulled slipping and sliding and finally that door became unstuck.

I hate you Winter!!!

I know I would die if I moved up north. How do you people up there do it!??! I would need to permanently attach a heater to my ass!

I hate you winter!!

It doesn’t matter what I wear…. I am still freezing.  And even though I live in a dry hot city the majority of the year, once December hits I start to freak out. Frost bite is possible.

And though I know in all my final destinational thoughts, I am not going to freeze to death (my death is going to be in a car accident, I just know it) I sure as hell don’t wanna lose any of my piggies to Frost Bite.

My neighbor!

I can’t feel my toes…. seriously. The heat is at 72 degrees. We need to up it now!!!

It’s effin cold!

Just an update!

Revisiting the Smart Car…. That Still Sucks.

Over the weekend I ran to the store and as I was walking in I saw parked up front a smart car.

Awwwwwww am I right??

However, I got angry! My Tahoe could have used that space!!! Notice how the smart car is this tiny thing in this space!!! You could fit five Smart cars in there!!! Why don’t we do that for now on?!?! Lets just cram five of them in one space.  I like that idea!!

Yeah let’s do it!!

I don’t know if you remember but I wrote a blog many moons ago about the Smart Car and basically how they sucked. At the time, I was just being stupid and sarcastic. However a lot of people gave me grief about my blog in turn making me actually hate the Smart Car and their “supposed” purpose.

My theory is its a conspiracy by the government for control on the growing population. Convince the masses that it’s a cool unique smart car, have them by it, then BOOM! a 18 wheeler comes crashing into you leaving nothing but broken glass everywhere.

Touche government, touche.

Feel free to read up ….. What\’s the Deal-Smart Car

I love the Smart Car’s slogan. It’s so uncar or open your mind to the car that challenges the status quo.

Here is the so-called benefit to the Smart Car: Over 96 million Americans drive to work alone each day. That means there are about 288,675,000 empty seats commuting to and from work. Astonishing. That’s why we got rid of the backseat entirely.

I am sorry but that is stupid. If that is the case… then the whole of this car is for lonely fucks!! Fucks that don’t have kids or a lover!!! If  a guy got rolled up in a Smart Car…. jaaaaaaaaaaaaaa,  I can just imagine what the “real package” looks like.

I’ll be like…  I didn’t order a smart car! I ordered a bull dozer baby!!

People who drive these cars probably sing… Eric Carmen’s All By Myself!!

Yeah yeah I said!

Also, what the fuck is this!?!

“Look son, this is what you will inherit.”

“Gee Dad doesn’t look much bigger then the car I drive now.”

“I know what it looks like but it will save you a lot of gas and it will keep you very unlaid.”

“Awww really dad!! That’s what I always wanted…. a non pimp-mobile! I wanna stay a virgin forever. “

“Well here it is. I just gotta make sure no one sneezes on it til you turn 16!”

Damnit!!

Well at least, you got the extended warranty.

Why is it called Smart Car anyways?

Is it just because it saves on gas? Is it because you not only bought a car but also a coffin and burial plot in one??

I am sorry but that ain’t very smart.

You know what is smart though??

A car that would prevent you from crashing. Yeah, that would be smart!

You know what would be smart… if there was a radar that would alert you when you got to close to another car. That would be smart!!

And lets say you ignored the alert, then a brake assist system would kick in and apply the brakes, bringing the car to a stop, if needed. Yes! That would be fucking intelligent!!

Too bad we don’t have this technology!

Wait!!!

We do!!

Mercedes has it! And yes Mercedes is actually a real life car!!!

Now shouldn’t that be called a Smart Car?

Just because Justin Bieber now wears glasses doesn’t make him smart…. so we wouldn’t call him that  unless he was actually fucking smart, right??

I get the angle of the Smart Car but it doesn’t make sense!! I say this as I hit my head with my fists!

All these yuppie loving Smart Car drivers need to find an island and not shower together!!

(dropped the mic and walked away George Jefferson style)

Things I Wish I Could Say to People But Can’t

Things I Wish I Could Say to People But Can’t

  1. Stop being so bitchy about everything!
  2. It’s just a joke dumb ass.
  3. What the fuck it wrong with you?!?!
  4. Dude, just chill out!
  5. Don’t hate on people!!
  6. Get off your ass and help me!!
  7. You are such a dick!
  8. You are my best friend!!
  9. Why do I gotta do everything??
  10. Help!
  11. God doesn’t have to be the answer to everything. He did give you a brain!
  12. Stop preaching to me! I am totally fine with going to hell!
  13. I miss you.
  14. Dude seriously, are you gay?
  15. I just want you to hug me. Can you do that?
  16. You like her better than me. Why don’ t you just say it?!?!
  17. Why the fuck are you hating on celebrities?? That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard!!
  18. Don’t poison my kids with your crappy ideas of religion!!
  19. I need a break!!!
  20. I say, “I love you so much.” But what I really mean is I love you so much. I can’t picture life without you. I didn’t appreciate life until I saw your face. If it wasn’t for you, I never would have found this peace I have now. You can never understand how much its a blessing to know you.

Things I Hate….

I didn’t have time to watch a movie because I

  • ate a big dinner
  • twittered
  • played words with friends
  • took Roly Furie Poly outside to shit
  • cleaned up (not really)
  • watched the new Jenny Marbles video
  • took a nap
  • cleaned again (kinda)
  • did homework with Savannah
  • took Roly Furie Poly outside to shit
  • saw American Horror Story episode 3
  • freak out for the rest of the night (the whole night!!)
  • sleep with a machete

So alas because I was so busy I didn’t have time to watch a movie… fuck!!

So today I will bless you with

Things I Hate

  • big fucking spiders
  • Dr Pepper
  • lesbians that don’t hit on me. What the hell is wrong with me?
  • losing in Words for Friends 50 million times
  • sneezing so hard it hurts
  • stapling my fingers for the 11th time
  • my mother. Ok I don’t hate her but she annoys me.
  • When I ask something and my dumbass co-workers asks, “Well what would Jesus do?”
  • when something plastic is left on my hot flat iron and burn the shit out of it and not notice and then it gets  all over my hair
  • K-Ci & Jo Jo
  • Beyonce except when she was in Destiny’s child
  • Grenade and Lazy Day song… are you serious people?!?!?
  • When people burn popcorn
  • Detroit. What the fuck is wrong with the people in that city?
  • Nebraska. Stupid corn!
  • that work has a no dancing policy
  • that all the Repo shows are reenactments. BS I tell you!!
  • when you’re taking a shit in a public bathroom, and there are six empty stalls, and someone comes in and takes the stall right next to you. Whichever presidential candidate makes that illegal, gets my vote.
  • when you can’t tell if someone if a man or a female. Stop confusing the fucking world
  • when you can’t tell is pregnant or not. Please wear a sign!
  • People at Walmart who exit through the enter and vice versa
  • Will Smith’s music career
  • that people don’t love the Spice Girls like I do
  • the fact that there are no more Spice Girls
  • that I always stuck with J and L as my last letters on Words with Friends.
  • that Words with Friends is racist!!!
  • the stuff that bicyclists wear… you nut huggers
  • when people don’t laugh at my jokes

 

Now laugh!!!

To FaceBook Or Not To Facebook

Its true. I don’t have a Facebook.

I used to have one… I would say a couple of years back. The only reason I got one was to play a few online games (Oregon Trail, the company I worked for had cool games, etc). Then it just got chaotic!

What the hell was all that shit on the wall?? How many times can you get poked before you go on a shooting spree!??!?

However, my mother has a Facebook. Why is this a big deal?

She doesn’t know how to log into her own computer and she is Facebook-ing?!?!

I remember that as soon as I got one, immediately people who I went to school with befriended me.  Now if you know me, you know that I RUN from people who I went to school with.

I saw a dude I had a few classes with in middle school at a local grocery store. I hid behind the watermelons. What makes you think I am going to be like OMG how are you?!?! I really could give a fuck about what people are doing now.I mean if you are in mental hospital or in jail, that’s some pretty awesome news. You got fat? Splendid! You been divorced two times? Peachy! All awesome news… but I don’t wanna talk about it.

So that’s one con.

I also don’t like the stupid random shit people put.

Status Update: “I just ate a ham sandwich.”

Awesome! I hope you choke on that shit! Or hopefully that ham was bad you get e coli!

I would something cool like….  I am eating a ham sandwich while I take a massive shit!

Thats honest and crazy!!

Another thing that is annoying is that everyone …EVERYONE… what you post. And you gotta take great care not to embarrass yourself and make you look like an ass!!

Exhibit A:

 Exhibit B:

Exhibit C & D

What you do put on the internet lives on forever people?!

I don’t think I can handle the pressure!!

So in conclusion… I would love to see your babies, I would like to keep up with your every minute daily life of shitting and eating and who you fucked, and I would love to see those drunk pictures, but sadly, I think I am still passing on Facebook.

Sorry Mark.

I hope you actually got laid in college.

Behind the Behind: Interview With “The Pkitass”

Most of all know each other or are familiar with each other through our blogs and on Twitter.

However, I wanted to go deeper and find some true, hard-hitting facts with many of my cherished blogger/Twitter friends.  I wanted you to all to meet and understand these complex but wonderful people of the social media world.

I introduce to you today… The Pkitass!

(Ominous music)

Pkitass took time out of her busy schedule of dog kissing and coffee stealing to meet with me today.

As she enters the room, I notice she is wearing a scarf around her face only showing those beautiful brown eyes, and a bath towel.

Me: Good Morning! I love what you are wearing. So up close and personal!!

Pkitass: Morning. I prefer Rise and Grind.

Me: Really? What are you grinding?

Pkitass (shrugs): How should I know? Hopefully someone is grinding me some coffee. It’s just what they say.

Me: Who is they?

Pkitass (looks around the empty room): You don’t see them??

Me (laughs uncomfortably): Well, let’s get started shall we? Tell all the readers out there what your full name is.

Pkitass: Pequitas G. Torrasian

Me: What does the G stand for?

Pkitass: It stands for giggly, google it and gigantic.

Me: Did you giggle a lot as kid?

Pkitass: I giggle a lot now as an adult.

Me: Interesting. Torrasian. Is that African?

Pkitass: Would that make you happy?

Me: Uhhhhhh, my African audience might like it.

Pkitass: No, my last name comes from a long line of Aztec warriors.

Me: Whoa, whoa. Aztecs were known to eat their captives’ hearts. Do you practice that as well?

Pkitass: I like to keep some ancestral traditions so every other full moon I’ll sacrifice a virgin guy or if I can’t find one, I’ll substitute it with a World of Warcraft Geek.

Me: And there is always plenty of those to spare!

Pkitass: I’ve heard eating hearts keeps you looking young. But I really wouldn’t know. I’m only 175 years old.

Me: Wow revealing your age?!? How very brave of you! You are an example to all! So tell our readers what  a day is like in the life of Pkitass?

Pkitass: Some days are just normal like your or any others’ day. Other days it’s so hectic that even going to the bathroom has to be planned. Those days I tend to get very sweaty.

Me: Now when you say your day is like mine and others, do you mean like beating cars with umbrellas or the paparazzi catching you not wearing underwear?

Pkitass: Of course. I thought beating cars with umbrellas was a normal everyday thing. But I guess that’s a California thing.

Me (laughs) Of course! What is a perfect day for you?

Pkitass: A perfect day for me would be filled with Starbucks salted caramel mocha drinks, a wide variety of cupcakes while sitting somewhere where its overcast and  everyone is my bitch.

Me: You just summed up the American dream. Perfect. Truly perfect. Now Pkitass, how do you want to be remembered once you are long gone? What legacy do you want to leave behind?

Pkitass: Whoa! Why are you talking about death? I still have at least another 200 years or so before I start thinking about death. Well, as long as I cut back on fatty geeks. Those are bad for your cholesterol, you know?  It’s just healthy trim virgins and geeks are hard to come by.

Me (nodding) I totally understand. It’s the complaint of every woman.  Before we conclude this interview, is there anything you want to tell the readers?

Pkitass: Yes. When you are out driving, remember to always use your turn signals or I will remember your license plate number and make a special sacrifice exception for you. Also, cupcakes should be its own food group, when in doubt, dance it, out, oh and I accept gifts!


Well there you have it folks. When in doubt, dance it out and cover your license plate for the love of God!!!

For more info on Pkitass look her up at All I Know is This

Musical Revolution- Work Sucks Edition

Here I am busting my ass on another day at work. And what sucks so much is that it’s Friday… its like the weekend is within my grasp! I just need to reeeeaachhhhhhhhhhhh for it. I still sadly had to wake up at the butt crack of dawn, drive the mother fucker of a commute to get here, and plop down at my desk for the exact same thing over and over and over every fucking day.

It’s enough to make you wanna blow your brains out.

The only thing that gets me through the day without splattering my brains is my lengthy library of music on my iPod.

God Bless you iPod!!

Wait God is not in my corner… Bless you Apple!

However, once I read this blog from WHOA

I knew I had to create one too!

Crystalized- The XX I need this song to make it through the day. It does what a cigarette does. Calms me down. Yep it’s that good. Working here … sometimes you need to take the edge off some how.

Abuse Me-Silverchair  I am a dumb ass. I take the jerk comments my boss makes like a fucking saint.  I must love the abuse cause I don’t leave. Seriously… sarcastic mother fucker award goes too…..

Everyday is Exactly the Same-Nine Inch Nails    Yes my soul is slowing dying behind this desk. It starts right at 8:05 am. As soon as I see the same person from yesterday ask, “How are you?” Are you fucking kidding me?!??! Nothing changed in the past 24 hours!

Flagpole Sitta-Harvey Danger  Its kinda childish but I swear to effin God that I start to get sick at work. I mean I am not sick but all of sudden I will feel not well. ” Damn where did that shocking pain come from??? Is that a heart attack or am I have an aneurism? I feel the blood vessels pop as we speak!!!!!”

Fuck You-Lily Allen Despite the title this is an awesome little diddy. This is for all the annoying women here. I just wanna come in here and do my job. Thats it. I don’t wanna join any of your committees or your prayer groups or lunch social groups. I just wanna hang solo.

I Get It-Chevelle  There is one person here that everyone worships. Everyone! Including my boss. Seriously… its cold in their shadow. Oh so damn cold!

Jumper-Third Eye Blind– Many a day do I spend talking out the awesome employees from jumping ship and leaving me here!

Kiss Off-Violent Femmes My boss gave me a project (an impossible one) to do in four days! I had to compile three years of material for a customer. It was no easy task and I did it. When he went to present it, he came back the next day and said he didn’t need it anyway! I almost burned down the building that day!

9-5- Lisa Stone  Speaking a which, why the hell are the work days the longest days ever!!! Christmas feels like 5 mins but one day feels like an eternity!!

I Will Survive- Cake Some how (I don’t know) I get a second wind not to staple people’s’ hands to their desk. I am annoyingly optimistic, even to me.

Then of course at the end of the day… we throw our papers in the air and shout with relief….

“It’s Friday night so everythang is poppin.”

Ode to the Woman I Should Have T-Boned

 

Dear Woman that Nearly Killed Me;

First off, thanks for making sure I would be awake next week on Friday. Your dumb ass maneuver almost cost me and definitely you!

What makes you think you can turn left from the middle lane? Seriously! What makes you think you can do this when people are coming off the freeway ramp right at your direction?!?

Let me give a crappy illustration so people can see the dumbass that you are!!

According to my illustration a car and I were both coming off the free way on the ramp. You were on the far left right and realized too late that you had missed your exit and where trying to turn on the turn around where another car was already stopped due to the light. You turned into the middle lane (MY FUCKIN LANE) and sat there horizontally… waiting!!

Are you fucking nuts???

You missed your exit now you gotta turn around up ahead… not stop oncoming traffic!!

I saw your face… either you didn’t give a crap or you know what the hell was going on.  You must be a retard!!

I should have t-boned you. I mean sure my front end would have smashed up but for sure you would have been cut in half. But noooo I had to swerve the hell out-of-the-way just to avoid hitting you. I could have gotten hurt!!

Man … I should have hit you. You seriously didn’t have a care in the world! And you were the one doing something illegal. I even hurt my hand punching the horn!!

I never use the horn!! But at the moment I wished my horn had said,” Fuck you stupid lady!!”

Horns don’t really translate what we need them to say sometimes.

I would have hit you if I was rich. Cause getting another car would have been fine and easy. Thank your lucky stars I am poor!!

You give women drivers a bad name!! So of course, I hate people like you!! Man, I should have T-boned your ass!!! God, I kick myself!!

That concludes this letter.

I just wanted you to know my feelings you stupid traffic slut. Try not to kill anyone you retard!

 

 

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