Yes my Thursday Movie Reviews still exist. They just have been dormant… sleeping a sound slumber if you will. But they have awoken with a vengeance desperate to review something.
So gather round my little ones, for I have seen a movie and I am ready to report.
This week I saw Conan the Barbarian. The 2011 version.
And you know what I realized?
My standards are pretty low. Yep, cause I actually liked it. It wasn’t really bad. I wouldn’t see it again but I didn’t regret watching it. It was like, “I am glad I experience waiting in the ER all night. It was quite an experience. That crazy homeless was unforgettable. However I don’t wish to come back.”
Kinda like that.
The movie had a lot of action and even gruesome fighting scenes if you into that like the way I am. I just couldn’t shake two things.
1) Why haven’t I seen the original one with Arnold?
2) This actor sucks.
Yes, the guy who plays Conan was cheesy. Like very cheesy. And yea sure he had a very nice body… his pecs were amazing… I wasn’t impressed with him.
He kept saying stupid stuff. And the way he would do his eyes captured in the pic above almost made me stab him.
Was Conan so ridiculously angry and violent in the original?
I am not sure if the story line is the same but Conan is bore from a mother fully immersed in battle. She, pregnant, gets stabbed and her great warrior of a husband comes to her side.
Conan’s mother acknowledges that she is indeed dying but needs to see her son. So the great warrior cuts her stomach open and pulls out her son and names him Conan. Then she dies.
That is pretty bad ass. That’s way too hardcore for blood.
So the warrior raises his son into young manhood. The entire next scene show the young Conan just thirsty for blood and war. He verges on the crazy and psychotic side if you ask me. But there weren’t any mental hospitals back in those days, so he was just saw as a soon to be great warrior.
The story continues that this crazy warlord invades their land looking for the lost piece to some mask/head-piece that controls the evil and magic. His evil wife was killed and he needs the mask/head-piece to be complete so he can awaken her and make him self ruler of the planet.
This crazed warlord has this daughter that is a witch. She is pretty scary.
They kill Conan’s entire village and father and also find the piece that is needed to complete the magical mask thing.
So Conan lives his life looking for the man who killed his father.
“Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”
Sorry I couldn’t help myself…
Then a hot chick gets involved which becomes more of a motive for Conan to kill the warlord.
With every movie where there is a battle of good and evil, it’s not so much who wins but how they got there. You know?
The point is that it does what its suppose to do: entertain.
However, don’t look deep into it because there are a lot of holes in the plot and some of the acting. Conan the Barbarian brings absolutely nothing new or memorable to the table. It just serves as a reminder about how cool the character of Conan is. And Conan is cool. Visuals here are nothing less than breathtaking, with action and cinematography to help make it so. The main actor is no Schwarzenegger, I am sure, but he’s capable of developing sympathetic interest. Somewhat.
Does it satisfy, this tale? In its own modest way, it does.
So see it or don’t … you will live.
P.S. I looked up the actor who played Conan. I wasn’t impressed with him the movie… well only his chest. And after seeing him smiling while posing… he is actually quite hot.
So now I am conflicted. It’s a wonder what a pretty face will do.