In the room where I sleep … my thoughts overflow.

Posts tagged ‘Satire’

A Petition For Your Help- Save the Biebs

People of the world,

I write today to urge, to plead with you in helping me save Justin Bieber.  If you not aware, a recent attempt on his life was foiled by police. A convicted felon and his nephew plotted to kidnap, torture, castrate and finally kill Justin Bieber.  The evil men intended to have the kidnapping take place in late November as Justin played two sold-out shows at New Your City‘s Madison Square Garden.

That is too close for comfort people!! Justin Bieber is a national treasure and he is very cute. Perhaps when he was younger he was a bit annoying to some. However now that he is legal ….  grown up and matured he has really crossed barriers and made a mark on our culture. Did I mention he is cute?

mgid uma video mtv.com 820040

Can you imagine this young cutie hurt? I can’t. I didn’t even like the mock beating he received in one of his recent music videos!! Honestly, he is just a kid. Who would want to hurt a kid?? A very cute kid who is legal and very cute and also very legal. Did I mention he was legal?
And also, I have a big problem with someone who wants to destroy all the little Bieber babies Justin may make one day?? I want my children’s children’s children to enjoy the fruits from Justin’s loins for as long as they can be…. er … fruitful. May the fruit be bountiful!!
So today I am asking that at the end this post, you leave a comment in your protest that we need a better way to preserve Justin, our dancing singing treasure. I feel that the only way to justify this horrific situation is that President Obama send some secret service to protect Justin Bieber.  We need some gentlemen with the mentality that they may need to take a bullet, or a castration for the Biebs.  In this way they will be doing their country a big honor!
I know that some may be feel a bit skeptical seeing how Justin wears his pants…
justin-bieber-2012-victoria-s-secret-fashion-show-inside-31but perhaps we can get the secret service to help with that matter too.
Again, thank you for your time and interest in something that is very dear to my heart. Oh yea and for my 7-year-old daughter as well. She would “just die” if something happened to him.  And remember Justin IS   legal!
keep-calm-and-love-the-biebs-126
Thank you,
Marina Sleeps

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The Essentials for Christmas/Zombie Apocalypse

Last night a discussion with my hubby reconfirmed my decision that I married the right guy.

We were talking about how nice the three wood shutters we have installed on some of the windows were and how they were really fancy. I expressed how much I loved them. Gus expressed that we should do all the windows but that it would probably be really expensive.

I frowned because I hate expensive things.

Gus cheered me up by saying, ” Well they would be really useful in securing the windows if there was a zombie apocalypse.”

That is how he normally gets me. He tells me he bought something and then adds in case there is a zombie apocalypse and I sigh a wave of relief.  I willingly admit it works on me every time because you never know. Crazier shit has happened! Okay, well that is not entirely true.
Nothing has happened that is crazier than zombies… at least not in my town.

Anyways, I have come to reason that not everything at our local Wal-Mart is we would need to survive a zombie apocalypse.

Here is a list I have put together with everything I would need:

1)  The Walking Dead Series

Never have I seen a more accurate portrayal of what would happen to the world if there really was a zombie apocalypse.  I will just remember, shoot anyone with the name of Carl.

2)M48 Apocalypse Tactical Tomahawk series

With a wide, up swept axe blade, the ATT has a massive slash for decapitating walkers. The secondary edge on the back of the head is specially sharpened on both edges for a hook attack guaranteed to puncture the spicy brains of any zombie. Lightweight enough to carry all day, toting the ATT won’t tire out before you get back to the safety of your camp.

Me likey!!!

3)  Bacon green beans

When I was doing zombie research, this kept coming up as an essential. I think the internet is trying to tell me something.  Plus this looks really good!

4) Dead On Annihilator Superhammer

  • Fourteen inches of forged steel multitool with rubber grip (forged steel!! *Tool man groan*)
  • Built-in:
    • Dead-On bottle-opener
    • Multi-purpose wrench
    • Nail puller
    • Demolition axe rips through dry wall, shingles, strips conduit, beheads zombies *
    • Chisel smashes through tile, brick, concrete, skulls *

    Need I say more! How is this  not issued to us once we are born? And… it will definitely fit in my purse!

    5) Plush Zombie Slippers

    Nothing shows more that your game face is on when you are sporting these babies!

    So if you are at a stand still on what to get me for Christmas, any of these will suffice. And you should probably think about adding some of this to your own collection.

    You’re Welcome!

The Weekend of the Eternal Break-Up

I have some really really devastating news. I am out of Takis… but worse than that… (hold me guys, hold me!) Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez broke up!!

I was not ready for this- this morning. I just can’t handle this!

First it was Rob and Kristen, now the Biebs and Selena!! What is happening to love?!?! I mean why even try anymore? Why even wake up?

I’m not only one feeling confused, lost, and on the verge of losing it based on this new celeb breakup.

This guy lost all reasoning…. seriously.

The next time Ryan McNames wants to lodge a consumer complaint, he’ll know better than to call the Columbia Police Department.

This Missouri man, 19, dialed cops Saturday night to report that he paid $60 to a pair of prostitutes to perform sexual acts for him. As McNames described it, the deal called for one woman to show him her breasts, while the other would perform oral sex on him in the living room of his mobile home.

Apparently only one “lady of the night” held up her part of the bargain while the other collected cash and bought ran to their car and jammed.

So what did McNames do?  He lodged a complaint! Hell yea! But wait, he didn’t call the HR of Prostitutes R US. No he called the cops!

He also requested that officers contact the woman who did not fellate him and “get $40 of his money back,” police reported.

And so he was arrested!

See what happens when you root for a celeb couple and they let you down!!
Don’t worry Ryan, time heals all things!

Another man is obviously in shock from the break up that he is just getting to work and putting on blinders to the rest of the world.

A man, Dale Porch, was dropped off at home last week after working the night shift for the Regional Transportation District but never made it inside. He died on his porch. Family members say hours later, a mail carrier walked by the body to deliver the mail but did nothing to help. The family says the carrier told them he thought the body was a mannequin, a decoration left over from Halloween.

That mail man was left dead inside. DEAD INSIDE Justin and Selena!!

This woman was arrested drinking and driving. Can you see the hurt in her face? The pain?

But seriously, Best. Mugshot.Ever.

So I leave you now to grieve, to grieve for America. All we can do is hope. Hope that love isn’t lost forever!

My Life in 300 Words or Less

This is not going to about the election, who to vote for, or who I am voting for or whatever.

I know how I feel and that’s all I care about.

Plus it gets annoying.  Annoying is the people who swear the world is going to end if Obama wins. Shut the fuck up people. Tomorrow the sun will rise as it will the next day, the next day, and the next day.
And it doesn’t even matter you guys, the world is gonna end on December 21st anyway. Vote Mayan!!!

So back to what I originally was gonna post … I darn near forgot!

So here are something I have been thinking about in bullet point form. Feel free to discuss our organized and professional I am amongst yourselves.

  • It sucks to not have TV!! We have to wait a whole week for them to come out and align us with the sun or something like that. So I am depressed. I am missing my shows, football, my kids watching their cartoons and following me around asking for everything!  DIRECTV you have failed me!!!
  • Stop talking about the Walking Dead… I missed it!! God damn you Americans!!!
  • I may have to start clipping coupons. I need to save money. That or get a second job. Is anyone hiring?
  • Greatest singer ever: R Kelly. That guy can sing about anything. Sex, love, closets. Food for thought people.
  • Speaking of food…. I wish I had tamales.
  • I won tickets on my local and favorite radio show to go see Eddie Vedder!!! Yep Eddie Vedder… the singer of Pearl Jam. However, there is no Pearl Jam band anymore. It’s just Eddie Vedder with a ukulele. Hmmmm, unsure about this.

 

So there you have it. My life in 300 words or less.

This Just In:Moving Sucks

So for the past week I have been moving. I have never been more tired in life. Except after child-birth… and all those times I woke up every two hours to feed my baby… and all those times I just was like fuck sleep because I was too paranoid watching my baby sleep making sure they were breathing… and every day after that.

So no, I have been this tired. I take that back.

I have come to reason that I hate moving… hate it!

If you have never moved, then don’t. Ever!

They need to invent this machine that can carefully pick up your house and put it in different areas that you need it too.  I know that’s what you do with mobile homes… but fuck that I am talking about a house!!

Where is that invention??

I get that Apple has to make a new iPhone, a better iPad, a smaller iMac every year. I totally get it being an Apple fan myself. However, I think it would  suit us all well if they took a year break and worked on figuring out teleportation or beaming up houses and moving them to where ever you dial in.

That way, I am trying my hardest not kill people or family members.

I also think a whole year will be enough time for me to catch up to where ever Apple is at with the iPhones iPads and iMacs.

So Apple… more of this:

And less of this:

More of this:

And less of this:

More of this:

And less of this:

I am sure you get what I am going with this.

While You Were Out Trying to Figure if You Like Donkeys or Elephants, I Was Gathering Weekend News.

All women want their ultimate dream wedding whether it’s a destination wedding at Hawaii or a quiet, intimate garden wedding. Some want traditional and some want modern and sophisticated.  Others want something entirely different…

And some other want pizzazz… or violence.

Philadelphia police were called to a hotel early Sunday to break up a brawl between guests of two wedding parties, and when it was over one man was dead of a heart attack and three people were cited for crimes.

It was a straight up brawl of two wedding parties!! Like a little wedding riot.

Awwww. Nothing says lets celebrate love and family like throwing blows!!

Someone even decks the bride!!

I certainly hope the bride didn’t pay for a video photographer. That would have been a waste of  money. She now can see it forever on YouTube and to own the actual tape she just has to wait a couple of weeks for the police to release it from evidence.

~~~~~~~~

Would you eat at Lady Gaga’s restaurant?

Quite frankly, even before discovering this little tidbit I would have been a little hesitant. And I eat EVERYTHING!!

It’s a good thing because the New York City restaurant owned by Lady Gaga and her family this week scored miserably during a Department of Health inspection that found six “critical” violations, including failing to protect food from potential contamination.

Yikes!! Imagine then what her home kitchen may look like!!!

Restaurants that are found to have in excess of 28 violation points are given a “C” grade, the lowest issued by city officials. Lady Gaga’s place had 42!!! What the hell!!!

Some of the violations include: Food not protected from potential source of contamination, Personal cleanliness inadequate, Outer garment soiled with possible contaminant, Effective hair restraint not worn in an area where food is prepared, Food contact surface not properly washed, rinsed and sanitized after each use and many more.

Vomitrocious!!

Well finally the restaurant was reopened and “passed” an re-inspection.

Still… I am probably never going to eat there.

There you go… another weekend pass with some crazy stories to report. Hopefully you all don’t eat at any strip clubs or deck any brides. If you do, make sure to record it!!

Wordless Wednesday- YOU ONLY HAD ONE JOB!!!

I use this line a lot during football season when you are counting on your field goal kicker to get it between those goal posts for those extra points you so desperately need.

The feeling gets so intense as you watch THE FIELD GOAL KICKER miss the goal posts entirely.

Dude!!! You have one god damn job!! To get the ball in between the posts!

Aarrrraghhhhhh!!

So here is “YOU ONLY HAD ONE JOB!” to the rest of the world.

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