In the room where I sleep … my thoughts overflow.

Archive for the ‘Funny’ Category

29 and Deep Fried

This past Sunday was my birthday. I turned 29 years old.

Weird.

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Who imagines being alive this long? Surely I would have been killed in a traffic accident or something gang related, but no I am still here … turning 29 years old.  I am scared to get older… who isn’t? However I think I am more in shock. Wasn’t I just 16 years old like yesterday? Wasn’t turning 21 while breast-feeding still like an hour ago?

Time has passed before my very eyes… and I now have been  alive 29 years. What the….

The shock has not subsided.

So…. I didn’t do anything to celebrate my birthday. I couldn’t.

Friday I went into panic year before 30 years old panic. I went to the store and bought all these facial creme and washes because if I am going to turn 29 years old I am going to damn well look at least 26! I was gone ho to start taking care of my skin, use the appropriate aging products and all that jazz.

I applied it Friday night, Saturday morning, then spent all afternoon  in the sun. And my facial wash and creme baked on my face  BURNING THE SHIT OUT OF MY FACE especially MY EYE LIDS! My eyelids were dark, wrinkled and puffy.

I aged 70 years  over night. Or got in a fight or cried my eyes out.

I was hideous! There was no way in hell I was going anywhere. And the whole situation made  me more mopey and depressed. I was so sad.

My hubby promised to make it all up to me next weekend, when I won’t look like a deep-fried chick.

Truth is, I don’t feel any different.  In my mind I am still 19. I will probably forever feel 19. The physical part is changing…. and I am trying to will it as much as I can. I honestly want to be fine with getting older but who knows when I will come to terms with it. Once being young is done, its done.

All I ask now is that convenience store clerk card… card the shit outta me please!!

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Dress Shopping 101 -Don’t look like a hippie or a lady of the night

I went to the “glorious” mall this weekend in search for a dress to wear to the wedding. I am glad I went with my sister-in-law because I would have not known what to buy. In fact, who knows what I would have walked out  with. 3809563_f260

Ahem.

Apparently… I was going for the flow-y stoner dress that would allow me to go skipping through the fields right before they call you to eat some cake. WHICH makes sense to me because it is a garden wedding with hills and a small pond.

I was reminded that I needed a cocktail dress. I needed a dress that shouted I am related to the wedding party even though I am not officially in the wedding. I needed a dress that shouted also indecent proposals will be considered too.

When dress shopping for a dress, there are too many rules. For instance, you can’t wear white. Why not?! There were millions of awesome dresses in white. Truthfully, I may have been asking for trouble buying a white dress. I would have definitely spilled some thing on it. White is asking for trouble.   But again, why can’t you wear a white dress?!?! The bride isn’t going to wear white!!

Everything I picked wasn’t fancy enough. It had to hug your body like it was an anaconda trying to squeeze the life outta you.  At the same time, I could only look the part of an upscale hooker not actually be one. Try explaining that to the sales lady.

I loved all the dresses with pockets. 50034f-682x1024

However, that didn’t scream cocktail/wedding/sophistication/$1000 a night buddy. Still…. a dress with pockets?! I feel like that is a no-brainier. Think of all possibilities! All the little items I could be responsible for. All the little take home wedding accessories/candy I could leave with. Pockets mean safety for me. A place for awkward hands to be kept. A way to look casual and cool and not the least bit outta place.

Sigh.

I also loved the ones that looked very Grecian/Roman looking dresses.

C026-Black-by-Blush-Prom-Dress-S11But damnit, they were only available in white and I would have no idea where to store a bra. I am completely completely dependent on a bra. My chest malfunctions with strapless. I need the support!!

In the end I bought a black satin dress. I thought it was a bit biker looking but I was assured that it was not. I get to wear a bra (yay!!), it does squeeze me to stand up tall, and truth be told its something I never would have picked it but it’s daring so I figure what the hell.

The whole time my sister-in-law was trying to flatter me that I could wear a paper bag and still look good.

Then WHY WEREN’T WE AT WALMART THEN?!

Merit Badge #1 Not Throwing Up After a 5 Hour Drinking Party

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So I finally was invited a to a bachelorette  party. I have never been to one, nor have I been out partying and drinking in years.  Lets try to NOT roll your eyes at my lameness.

Did I get drunk? Yes. Did I dance a lot? Yes. Did I have a good time? Sure.

Movies have ruined things like this for me.

Where was my crazy almost illegal night?? Where was my wicked ass tiger that was supposed to be in my bathroom? There were no new tattoos or piercings. Everyone was accounted for. We could have at least left someone behind … that would have been epic.

The one thing that was funny was certain girls were throwing up in the limo or out the window. That was hilarious trying to stay sane with the smell.

Still, it’s not like I expected anything. But damn, we were back home at midnight. My kids were still up (rules don’t exist when mommy isn’t around) for god sake!

Like I have been saying, men have a more fun time.  And mum’s the word on the activity they will do. The following days the girls were like remember when “Lucy” fell or remember when Marina was dancing on the pole.

Shut the fuck up!! Ya’ll get a little wild and now I shall pay for it forever.

One thing I am proud of is that I didn’t fall, throw up in the limo, and I kept up with the little 24-year-old girl who parties for a living.

Someone should create merit badges for these kinda things.

There were a few things I learned that night:

  1. It’s very necessary to do things like this from time to time. Stress relief. And it keeps you young.
  2. Always have a seasoned drinker with you.
  3. Vodka and cranberry is sooooo good.
  4. After while everything taste the same.
  5. No heels… or you will fall and fall and fall. I wore flip flops cause I am a lazy ass. Point for me!
  6. Process every drink you take. It helped me concentrate on where I was at and how I felt.
  7. I missed dancing.
  8. No one cares what you wear, only in the beginning when no one is drunk.

I Now Understand and Hopefully So Will Allstate

Recently we moved to a bigger house so I can send the kids somewhere else for a while because we really needed more space. It’s really only 20 minutes away from our former house but it might as well be another country.

Before, we had all the necessities surrounded us in our nice suburban area. Now we are living in a rural area that is growing but barely. We live near the valley where there are ranches, farmland, and areas of desert.

Horizon  Now I am not a big girly girl when it comes to nature. I love to camp, I love to hike.  I find bugs or snakes and I don’t fret. I can stand my ground.  However, now that I am living in the outskirts of the city I have had to get used to wildlife a little more. I have had to screech to stop to avoid hitting quail, foxes, coyotes, rabbits.  I have seen field mice (or was it rats) running through my yard. I have seen the remains of knocked over trash cans. And I have seen spiders.

Spiders that are bigger than my palm spiders. At this point, I don’t think they should be called spiders anymore. They should be like desert crabs or something.  The horror. Those damn suckers are everywhere. I have no probably killing these “bird killers”.

Wait, I do have one condition. I must have clothes on. The only way I can not kill a bug is if I am naked. I know total mind fuck but its true. For some reason, I have this fear that bugs/spiders can’t hurt me as long as I have t-shirt and shorts. I almost wanna say I am more concerned about them jumping on bare skin and going into my vagina or something. I can be barefoot and still be fine. I just have to have clothes. So yes, in the shower, I am a total blonde chick in a horror film.

horrorHowever, lately I have had a hard time killing them. And yes I say kill. There is more of those bastards then there are of me so I am not going to release it in back in to the wild only for it to try to come back into my house.  The reason I am now freaking out about  spiders is because lately I have been finding what my husband calls are Wolf Spiders.

They are huge and brown and just god damn huge. I have yet to be bitten but I do know that it hurts like a mother. These god damn spiders aren’t like normal spiders spinning webs and trying to save pigs.

These fucking things climb, can swim, and hunt, well like a wolf.

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And I haven’t even told you the worst part.

So I found one in the middle of our living room where we sit on the  couches or sit on the floor to watch TV. I grab a house shoe and smash it really good and hard making a loud disgusting crunch. The spider died instantly smashed against the tile. But then a million babies crawl outta the spider and start fleeing in all directions.

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Never have I ever been more disgusted or horrified. I have never seen anything like that. Where I come from spiders don’t have tricks up their damn sleeves. These fucking spiders carry their kids on their back?!?!?!  So here I am trying to kill the reinforcements with my massive shoe against these microscopic devils and I am failing. They are moving fast and in all directions. I grab a house spray and I think I got a few of them but who knows where the hell the others went.

So now I totally the joke that people say about burning down your house once you encounter a spider. Well, I encountered hundreds.

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Pick Me! Pick Me to Be Your End of the World Buddy!

Yesterday as my hubs and I were watching the movie The Darkest Hour….

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I made a keen observation when dealing with these end of the world, apocalyptic events. I already know that whether it be by zombies, aliens, or nuclear weapon, I know that my hubby has a good chance of surviving. In fact, I could almost bet on it. He is a conservationist and can make do with anything. He has  common sense and strong survival skills. Example: all we have at the house to eat is tortillas, peanut butter and spaghetti O’s.  Bam! He just made a feast! Also, he can build anything and fix anything.  He is very good with guns and can make a shank like a prisoner!
So in the event of catastrophic events, look for him. We will probably be overtaking a Wal-Mart.

Now, I realized as I watch this movie that women aren’t really valued to survive. How can they? Most are panicking and screaming their heads off most of the movie or until they die. I realized in the movie and like most end of the world movies; there are two types of women.

It’s very rare that you will find a woman survivalist. I am not a survivalist by any means. So therefore women will be classified in two groups: Women who will die vs Women who won’t.

Women who will die are easy to spot. They are constantly screaming and panicking like a mother THROUGH THE WHOLE MOVIE. In the beginning when you  first see people killed or dead bodies, its normal to be distressed and a little freaked out. But really through the whole movie?! After a while, I am just rooting for you to die. These ladies usually make rash decisions, completely not listening to those with common sense and objection to survive and let their panic lead them to final death! (Finally!!) They are basically running around like a chicken without a head crying and being Debbie Downer!

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Its excruciating! Where is your will to survive ladies?!?

Then there are those who will live. They may freak out at first but only in the beginning. After that, its game on. They get on a grip that this is their reality and GET THE FUCK OVER IT! They are constantly keeping themselves busy gathering supplies, keeping morale up, staying positive, learning how to use a gun, and just being whatever the group needs. Most importantly, they are listening to everything around them.

I would like to believe I am in that group. I don’t freak out or gross out easy. When my sister made me watch that clip of two girls one cup, I watched it all, while eating and not even flinching of disgust.  I am overly optimistic, I am constantly doing something and working especially in times of distress. I am also awesome under stress and pressure. In fact, that may be where I shine the best!  The only con is that I have late reaction to things . For instance, I don’t react to things the way a normal person would. I have no feeling for anything until hours later when I realize I should have been pist, insulted, or happy about something. That also may be a good thing but if I getting shooting at it may take me a while to realize that I am getting shooting at and that I should move to cover. Still just to be on the safe side I carry my survival handbook with me and I am currently working on an end of the world back pack complete with a  tomahawk, rope, duck tape, world map and USA map, nuts, granola bars, matches,  knives, and first aid kit.

That and also I plan to be attached to the husband’s hip. He increases my survival up to 40% as long as I listen and don’t get annoying.

While You Were Examining What Beads Went With What Outfit I Was Sleuthing It On The Internet

First things first… I didn’t watch the Grammy’s.

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So I don’t know anything that happened last night. A great sleuth has to make their sacrifices. Well, that and Walking Dead was on.

Hello!! Priorities!!!!

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But I will get to the Grammy’s tonight after I watch my recorded episode of SNL. Justin Bieber was on people!!

I am sure everyone has heard of the manhunt in LA of the ex-cop who felt he was wrongly terminated from the police force and thus took revenge into his own hands. So ex-cop known as Christopher Dorner is accused of shooting three people. Dorner also made an online manifesto stating the corruption he faced in the police force puting the LAPD in a negative spotlight.

Does he look like LL Cool J to you??

Does he look like LL Cool J to you??

Dorner made a online manifesto (which you could read here ) went into detail about the type of misconduct he witnessed in the LAPD. He goes into detail and detail and you learn a lot about that guy. For instance in his ridicule of his superiors downgrading the president and the first lady he side notes, “Off the record, I love your new bangs, Mrs. Obama.

Thats nice of him!!

Then I guess in a way of saying goodbye he starts shout out thank you’s to everyone is has met and maybe not met:

I thank my friends for the awesome shared experiences. I thank the unnamed women I dated over my lifetime for the great and sometimes not so great sex. It’s kind of sad I won’t be around to view and enjoy The Hangover III. What an awesome trilogy. Todd Phillips, don’t make anymore Hangovers after the third, takes away the originality of its foundation. World War Z looks good and The Walking Dead season 3 (second half) looked intriguing. Damn, gonna miss shark week…. Hillary Clinton: You’ll make one hell of a president in 2016. Much like your husband, Bill, you will be one of the greatest. Look at Castro in San Antonio as a running mate or possible secretary of state. He’s (good people) and I have faith and confidence in him. Look after Bill. He was always my favorite President. Chelsea grew up to be one hell of an attractive woman. No disrespect to her husband.”

He gives Anderson Cooper and Pier Morgan some advice! He states how much he adores Ellen DeGeneres.

Tebow, I really wanted to see you take charge of an offense again and the game. You are not a good QB by todays standards, but you are a great football player who knows how to lead a team and WIN. You will be “Tebowing” when you reach your next team. I have faith in you. Get out of that circus they call the Jets and away from the reality TV star, Rex Ryan, and Mark Rapist Sanchez.

Then he lists a number of actress that he finds the most beautiful women in the world. Hey…. Maxim this is where next year’s list resides!

Dorner lists everyone gives them kudos and telling them how much he enjoys them.

He even says “Charlie Sheen, you’re effin awesome.

Awwww how nice. Fittingly Charlie Sheen has responded. In fact, he is the only one that has.  Sheen has recorded a video plea, sent to ABC News, asking the ex-Los Angeles police officer to call him so they can talk things out.

gty charlie sheen jef 130211 wblog Charlie Sheen Tells Fugitive Christopher Dorner Call MeDonna Ward/Getty Images

“Mr. Dorner, this is Charlie Sheen,” the actor said in the video. “You mentioned me in your manifesto, so thank you for your kind words. I am urging you to call me. Let’s figure out together how to end this thing.”

“Call me,” Sheen added. “I look forward to talking to you.”

Sheen, you are my hero. Seriously, you are the coolest man!!

Man the least the others could have done like Serena Williams, Jay-Z, or Jon Stewart could have done was shot the wanted man a thumbs up.

Charlie, all that coke has made you a man after my own heart!

And finally I was thinking who make a good pope since Pope Benedict gave his resignation.

Here is my top five:

1). Gary Busey: Imagine the crazy adventures. I’ll definitely start going to church.

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2) Pope Keith Richards has a nice ring to it

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3) Blake Shelton: The Vatican has use some Honky Tonky if you know what I am saying.

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4)Denzel Washington… this is for mother!

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5) The Rock: Le Sigh

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My Favorite Movies That YOU NEED To Watch

Now that football is over I bet you freaking out. Yeah, I can just see you now: hyperventilating.  You could watch college basketball but who has time for that?

Right now I am in television limbo. All my shows have just finished and I am currently waiting for shows to start. Walking Dead is set to start in 5 days. So what must I do til then?

Clean? What are you drunk? Start on my Pinterest ideas?? Hahahahaha, you are killing me.

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You need to  join me on my couch. I will share with you the movies that bring great joy. Let me educate you.  Just bring your own popcorn.

Movies You Should See #1

Love Actually

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How have you not seen this movie?? It the greatest movie for love ever!! Normally I am not a sappy chick flick romance movie type of person. I am probably the only woman on earth who refuses to see The Notebook because I am afraid of the disgusting feelings I might feel. However, if you can add some comedy quirkiness, well then I am down! This movie is smart, funny, and leaves you feeling good. Drunk good! Not the running through hills singing The Hills are Alive good. That’s just gross.

Movies You Should See #2

All the Rocky Movies

Every time they are showing on tv I can’t help but watch. It’s just a really really good  college of movies.  I wouldn’t really call inspirational because  I have yet felt the desire to start boxing. Its a great story. The characters in the story are great, the plot is timeless, Sylvester Stallone isn’t bad to look at it either.

Movies You Should See #3

Horrible Bosses

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I love this movie. These guys have to be the dumbest guys on Earth but it works. They are hilarious! I recently discovered there is an art to talking dirty and Jason Sudeikis’s character nailed it!  It has the same off to wall feeling as The Hangover. I can’t say it enough… I love it I love it I love it!

Movies You Should See #4

Face Off

I like the movie a lot. Maybe more then I should. Something about Nicolas Cage being this crazed psychotic bad guy is just so…. hot. I see this movie on the regular. You can’t beat action and suspense.

Movies You Should See #5

The Silence of Lambs

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Of course this movie is great. I am sure most people will agree with me. The thing that strikes me with it is probably at the time it came out, it was the first of it nature. It was dark, gritty, and we were  exposed to things we hadn’t seen before. This was because there were A type actors in this movie. We HAD to see this movie. And even after all these years, it still leaves me with the same creeped out feeling I got when I first saw it. Plus, I feel like I am missing something. That is why I re-watch it so much. I feel like the need to understand something about it. Something that I just don’t get. However, its the grittiness, the dark side that I just don’t understand. And yet, I will still watch it.

Are there any movies that make your list??

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