In the room where I sleep … my thoughts overflow.

Archive for the ‘Ramblings’ Category

My Life in 300 Words or Less

This is not going to about the election, who to vote for, or who I am voting for or whatever.

I know how I feel and that’s all I care about.

Plus it gets annoying.  Annoying is the people who swear the world is going to end if Obama wins. Shut the fuck up people. Tomorrow the sun will rise as it will the next day, the next day, and the next day.
And it doesn’t even matter you guys, the world is gonna end on December 21st anyway. Vote Mayan!!!

So back to what I originally was gonna post … I darn near forgot!

So here are something I have been thinking about in bullet point form. Feel free to discuss our organized and professional I am amongst yourselves.

  • It sucks to not have TV!! We have to wait a whole week for them to come out and align us with the sun or something like that. So I am depressed. I am missing my shows, football, my kids watching their cartoons and following me around asking for everything!  DIRECTV you have failed me!!!
  • Stop talking about the Walking Dead… I missed it!! God damn you Americans!!!
  • I may have to start clipping coupons. I need to save money. That or get a second job. Is anyone hiring?
  • Greatest singer ever: R Kelly. That guy can sing about anything. Sex, love, closets. Food for thought people.
  • Speaking of food…. I wish I had tamales.
  • I won tickets on my local and favorite radio show to go see Eddie Vedder!!! Yep Eddie Vedder… the singer of Pearl Jam. However, there is no Pearl Jam band anymore. It’s just Eddie Vedder with a ukulele. Hmmmm, unsure about this.

 

So there you have it. My life in 300 words or less.

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Friday Nonesense of Wasting Your Time: You’re Welcome!

Inspired by Irene’s post yesterday, I too will take the challenge. I too will give you useless drivel about me. Not only will it have no affect on your sleep, but you will continue on with your day as if nothing happened.

How is that not a deal?!?!?

Nothing for nothing!!

So, the rules of this “tag-you’re-it” are:

1. Post the rules. Check!!

2. Post 11 facts about yourself. Awesome! I love talking about myself… that’s why I have a blog!

3. Answer the questions the tagger has put in their post and come up with 11 of your own for those who you tag. I’m not tagging shit people! This is effort-free Friday.

4. Tag 11 people and put them in your post. How about no and say I did?

5. Let them know you’ve tagged them. Sighhhhhhhh

So awesome things about me so you will like me are:

1. I am obsessed with food. It’s a wonder why I am not 437lbs!!

2. I love my kids more than anything in the world… but my iPhone is a close second.

3. I have been attacked by one dog in my life. A fucking Cocker Spaniel! Seriously!!

4. I love babies. That’s probably why I had so many kids. So if you don’t want yours, I will gladly take your baby!

5. I am trying real hard to become an alcoholic. I keep forgetting to drink! And believe me, I have reason in the world to be the President of AAA!

6. I like to make CD’s for people of music I like. Except no one likes my music and I don’t  know anyone who would like me to make a CD for them. I used to make mixed tapes all the time.

7. I have an obsession with planes. I could watch them land and take off all day.

8. I am gonna have a mental breakdown when I turn 28 in two months. Just a warning if I make no sense in the next month or so.

9. I don’t understand why everyone loves Beyonce. I just don’t see it. She isn’t that wonderful. She even dances weird. Please see this video if you don’t know what I am talking about.

10. I am totally a yes lady. I say yes to everything. I am like down for anything. For instance, when I was 16 I was at drivers ed class. Nearby was a huge hill of concrete. I was dared to get in a shopping cart and go down the hill. I did it…and I totally did not die!

11. I have no shame and I don’t embarrass easy. I totally don’t mind me being the but of a joke.

Now to the questions that Irene so thoughtfully prepared.

  • What’s your favorite meal? Anything that involves crab legs. I got a thirst for buckets of crab!
  • What would you do for a Klondike Bar? Throw in a Snickers bar and it will be like what will it take Marina to stop!!!
  • What’s in YOUR wallet? receipts that are not important, my ID for buying fictional alcohol, and my debit card. Pretty lame…
  • Who’s your secret crush (be careful, it won’t be a secret if you answer)? My secret crush Kim Kardashian. In my next life I am coming back as Kanye West!
  • What car do you drive (do you really think I was going to do something like this without mentioning or making a reference to an automobile?)? I drive a Chevy Tahoe. What I really wanna drive is a 2012 Camaro or 1984 Chevy lifted truck with a short bed. Oh god, I may have just orgasm-ed envisioning this.
  • What is your favorite vacation destination? Anywhere at this point… even my bed is sounding fucking nice right now!
  • Who’s yo daddy? Well, I am not sure what you mean. My biological daddy? My sugar daddy? My pimp daddy?  My biological daddy is a guy named Eduardo Rodriguez. My sugar daddy & pimp daddy is Gus Sanchez.
  • Do you believe this planet will implode on December 22 of this year? I fucking hope so. I need some chaos in my life. Plus I want to put my survival skills that I learned from Bear into use.
  • What’s your zodiac sign? Virgo… I am a virgin.
  • Will Justin Bieber ever go away? I hope not. Big Fan!! Baby baby baby ….
  • Will Michele Duggar have more babies? Yes then they should do a documentary on what she looks like down there so everyone can know. Lets wear out that dirty laundry.

My turn!!!

  • Do any of you people know where I can find a distant relative that is dying and looking to give his money to someone?
  • What do I do if I got an itch down there and I am in the middle of a public area with no place to hide?
  • How bad will a Brazilian wax be?
  • I feel like making another crazy video. What should I do? My version of dubbsteping? Any suggestions?
  • Is Nancy Kerrigan still pist about the whole breaking her leg? She should let that go.
  • How can I get my husband to massage my back more? Is there a way I can train him to do every time I ring a bell?
  • Is there a way to get people to like you? I open to beating people down.
  • Does anyone else think Tom Cruise’s daughter look kinda alien-ish? Whoa maybe I should not ask that and maybe you shouldn’t answer. You know, for safety reasons.
  • Do you believe in Aliens? I totally want to believe in them. I believe in zombies. So why not?
  • Do you have a zombie apocalypse plan? I do… its become redneck. They survive everything.

  • Which celeb do you hate??

There ya go.

God damn… I wrote a book.

You’re welcome!

HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF

This list was not created by… sadly… but I discovered it… so that means something right.

HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF

  1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
  2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors.”
  3. Specify that your drive-through order is “TO-GO.”
  4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
  5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
  6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
  7. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what you think.”
  8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
  9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc” them to your boss.
  10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
  11. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”
  12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
  13. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.
  14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
  15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
  16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
  17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
  18. Honk and wave to strangers.
  19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
  20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
  21. type only in lowercase.
  22. dont use any punctuation either
  23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
  24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
    “DO YOU HEAR THAT?”
    “What?”
    “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
  25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
  26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “No, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.
  27. Ask people what gender they are.
  28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
  29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
  30. Sing along at the opera.
  31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
  32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”

 

I really wanna do some of these. Like really….

Visit to the Masseuse

You know what is awkward for me?

Getting pampered… Yeah, I have never any idea how I should act, or what to say. That is part of the reason why I don’t regularly get my hair done, or get my nails or anything like that.

For instance, I went to get a massage. And not because I had money lying around aching to be used or because I was having a girls’ day (what is that?). I genuinely needed a rub down. My back has been killing me.

I go into the room and they tell you take off all your clothes. What??? I have gotten a massage at least three times in my entire life and I never can figure this out!!

Do I undress all or not? Leave the undies on or not??

If I leave them off, my God I am exposed!  My nether regions are placed on table for all to see and judge!

What would happen if their was a fire and I was laying there naked?!?! What if their was a bomb threat?!? Or some fired past employee had a little too much to drink and decided that it wasn’t their fault that they got fired but their evil masseuse of a boss’s??

There are so many what if’s it could literally drive you crazy.

Literally.

Literally.

I clearly was not made for stripping because I am terribly shy.

However, I leave the undies on…. then I am a prude!!

A prude!!

Prude like Tipper Gore!!

Prude like uptight Christian woman!!

Prude like my 85-year-old grandma!!

I can’t go to church or wear knee-high stockings!! I just can’t!!

I spend the whole ten minutes that should be getting undressed and comfortable in the bed trying to figure this out!

Finally, after I decide and run into the bed hoping and praying that there is a warning alarm for any potential fire, earthquake, or tornado. And I pray that they work and that I have mastered my art on getting my clothes on as quickly as possible.

(Being married with kids usually keeps your ninja skills of removing clothes, having sex, and then putting them on faster than their cartoons break for commercial on target!)

So once the masseuse comes in, she starts right away on my back.

Next dilemma….

How to kill the awkwardness??
“So hey…. how are you today?? Been busy??”

No no that’s lame.

How about, “So been doing this long?”

No no she is going to think I am questioning her skills!!

Yesterday, I tried to stay quiet. I really did. I thought I would do something different than chattering nervously to keep her company. I do it because in all honesty she is working and I am not. Fuck I was just laying there. I could have folded some towels or something!  

I thought, this is only awkward for me not her. This is her job. But this is sooooo weird….I should say something. No no, for once I should just shut up and relax. Enjoy the massage. I just feel bad for her working while I am laying here getting a massage. What if she doesn’t feel like talking?

I am not doing her any favors. Wait, what if I am? Maybe she is waiting for me to speak.  How do you break this tension?? “Man this music sucks huh??”

God of course it sucks Marina!! Its Indians playing a fucking harp and something that sounds like rain!! That’s not fucking soothing. Sounds like my head is gonna get scalped in any minute! Hmmm, I wonder if she can see my side boob. Who am I kidding?? You gotta have boobs to have any sides!!

Did I remember to put deodorant on?? I can’t remember. And even if I did that that was well in the morning!!  Damn discounted deodorant!!

Then; OMFG!! That shit is killing me!!! I am hurting there so much!! Fuck Fuck Fuck!!! God not the elbow. Stop being a pussy Marina!!! Take it Take it!!  You had three kids for Christ’s sake!! You pushed out watermelons!!

She will ask, “Does that hurt? Are you feeling pressure?”

Me, “Oh no I am fine. You are getting it. You are doing great.”

Mother of fucking god I have another shoulder!! Work on that!!! This breathing shit is not working!! I can’t breathe!! This girl is so strong!!!  Why is my whole arm tingling?? Is this a stroke??  Fuck I am naked!! I am going to die on this table… naked!!!!  Is it my mother’s fault for my sexual awkwardness!! Damn you mother!!

Man I just wanna feel my cotton fruit of looms one more time!!!

And just when I think I am going to pass out, my session is over.

As you can see, I have a high tolerance of pain.

That is just one hour. That is why I refuse spa packages. I can’t handle all the pain at one time. I am always the little bitch crying during waxes, crying during mani’s and pedi’s because they are pushing my cuticles up.

And they always want you to get naked!! Is there some spa orgy thing going on?!?

And what the awkwardness!! Asian people always look at me funny when I talk to them. Does that mean shut the eff up?!?!

 

 

Musical Revolution- Depressing Ass Songs That Make Me Wanna Kill Myself

It’s Friday and there is reason to celebrate!

The weekend!!

But not so fast, because its not 5pm yet!

So til then, we still gotta deal with real life and tough situation. Along with that is depressing ass music that makes you wanna off yourself.

Lets Get Started!!!!

Every time I hear this song, I seriously wanna jump into a lake in the Great Lakes. Its that depressing!

Walk With You-Edwin McCain

I heard this song… and I was like what?!?! Is it too late to return my kids?!?!

Truth is this was sister and dad’s song at this wedding. I still can’t listen to it in its entirety.

Fuckin song.

The next song is what I think would play when you finally have entered the mental institution cause you finally have lost your shit.

Mad World-Gary Jules

*Stop staring at the knives Marina!*

The next one I think we all might relate to!

It not only makes me depress but angry. I wanna find this guy that hurt the singer and rough him up!

Bastard!

You think you are happy but you are not!!

Someone Like You-Adele

The next one…. geez when I hear it I break down crying. I could be having a perfect day… then this song just send me to looney ville.

Breathe me-Sia

And finally, if you weren’t clutching to life already, here is another pincher that kills me… everytime!

Nothing Compares to You-Sinead O Connor

Ohhhhh god why?!?!?!

I needed a good cry… just not here at work.

Hold me …. someone.

Well, at least I am ready for a nice cold beer.

Revisiting the Smart Car…. That Still Sucks.

Over the weekend I ran to the store and as I was walking in I saw parked up front a smart car.

Awwwwwww am I right??

However, I got angry! My Tahoe could have used that space!!! Notice how the smart car is this tiny thing in this space!!! You could fit five Smart cars in there!!! Why don’t we do that for now on?!?! Lets just cram five of them in one space.  I like that idea!!

Yeah let’s do it!!

I don’t know if you remember but I wrote a blog many moons ago about the Smart Car and basically how they sucked. At the time, I was just being stupid and sarcastic. However a lot of people gave me grief about my blog in turn making me actually hate the Smart Car and their “supposed” purpose.

My theory is its a conspiracy by the government for control on the growing population. Convince the masses that it’s a cool unique smart car, have them by it, then BOOM! a 18 wheeler comes crashing into you leaving nothing but broken glass everywhere.

Touche government, touche.

Feel free to read up ….. What\’s the Deal-Smart Car

I love the Smart Car’s slogan. It’s so uncar or open your mind to the car that challenges the status quo.

Here is the so-called benefit to the Smart Car: Over 96 million Americans drive to work alone each day. That means there are about 288,675,000 empty seats commuting to and from work. Astonishing. That’s why we got rid of the backseat entirely.

I am sorry but that is stupid. If that is the case… then the whole of this car is for lonely fucks!! Fucks that don’t have kids or a lover!!! If  a guy got rolled up in a Smart Car…. jaaaaaaaaaaaaaa,  I can just imagine what the “real package” looks like.

I’ll be like…  I didn’t order a smart car! I ordered a bull dozer baby!!

People who drive these cars probably sing… Eric Carmen’s All By Myself!!

Yeah yeah I said!

Also, what the fuck is this!?!

“Look son, this is what you will inherit.”

“Gee Dad doesn’t look much bigger then the car I drive now.”

“I know what it looks like but it will save you a lot of gas and it will keep you very unlaid.”

“Awww really dad!! That’s what I always wanted…. a non pimp-mobile! I wanna stay a virgin forever. “

“Well here it is. I just gotta make sure no one sneezes on it til you turn 16!”

Damnit!!

Well at least, you got the extended warranty.

Why is it called Smart Car anyways?

Is it just because it saves on gas? Is it because you not only bought a car but also a coffin and burial plot in one??

I am sorry but that ain’t very smart.

You know what is smart though??

A car that would prevent you from crashing. Yeah, that would be smart!

You know what would be smart… if there was a radar that would alert you when you got to close to another car. That would be smart!!

And lets say you ignored the alert, then a brake assist system would kick in and apply the brakes, bringing the car to a stop, if needed. Yes! That would be fucking intelligent!!

Too bad we don’t have this technology!

Wait!!!

We do!!

Mercedes has it! And yes Mercedes is actually a real life car!!!

Now shouldn’t that be called a Smart Car?

Just because Justin Bieber now wears glasses doesn’t make him smart…. so we wouldn’t call him that  unless he was actually fucking smart, right??

I get the angle of the Smart Car but it doesn’t make sense!! I say this as I hit my head with my fists!

All these yuppie loving Smart Car drivers need to find an island and not shower together!!

(dropped the mic and walked away George Jefferson style)

Things I Hate….

I didn’t have time to watch a movie because I

  • ate a big dinner
  • twittered
  • played words with friends
  • took Roly Furie Poly outside to shit
  • cleaned up (not really)
  • watched the new Jenny Marbles video
  • took a nap
  • cleaned again (kinda)
  • did homework with Savannah
  • took Roly Furie Poly outside to shit
  • saw American Horror Story episode 3
  • freak out for the rest of the night (the whole night!!)
  • sleep with a machete

So alas because I was so busy I didn’t have time to watch a movie… fuck!!

So today I will bless you with

Things I Hate

  • big fucking spiders
  • Dr Pepper
  • lesbians that don’t hit on me. What the hell is wrong with me?
  • losing in Words for Friends 50 million times
  • sneezing so hard it hurts
  • stapling my fingers for the 11th time
  • my mother. Ok I don’t hate her but she annoys me.
  • When I ask something and my dumbass co-workers asks, “Well what would Jesus do?”
  • when something plastic is left on my hot flat iron and burn the shit out of it and not notice and then it gets  all over my hair
  • K-Ci & Jo Jo
  • Beyonce except when she was in Destiny’s child
  • Grenade and Lazy Day song… are you serious people?!?!?
  • When people burn popcorn
  • Detroit. What the fuck is wrong with the people in that city?
  • Nebraska. Stupid corn!
  • that work has a no dancing policy
  • that all the Repo shows are reenactments. BS I tell you!!
  • when you’re taking a shit in a public bathroom, and there are six empty stalls, and someone comes in and takes the stall right next to you. Whichever presidential candidate makes that illegal, gets my vote.
  • when you can’t tell if someone if a man or a female. Stop confusing the fucking world
  • when you can’t tell is pregnant or not. Please wear a sign!
  • People at Walmart who exit through the enter and vice versa
  • Will Smith’s music career
  • that people don’t love the Spice Girls like I do
  • the fact that there are no more Spice Girls
  • that I always stuck with J and L as my last letters on Words with Friends.
  • that Words with Friends is racist!!!
  • the stuff that bicyclists wear… you nut huggers
  • when people don’t laugh at my jokes

 

Now laugh!!!

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