In the room where I sleep … my thoughts overflow.

Posts tagged ‘Bad Drivers’

Revisiting the Smart Car…. That Still Sucks.

Over the weekend I ran to the store and as I was walking in I saw parked up front a smart car.

Awwwwwww am I right??

However, I got angry! My Tahoe could have used that space!!! Notice how the smart car is this tiny thing in this space!!! You could fit five Smart cars in there!!! Why don’t we do that for now on?!?! Lets just cram five of them in one space.  I like that idea!!

Yeah let’s do it!!

I don’t know if you remember but I wrote a blog many moons ago about the Smart Car and basically how they sucked. At the time, I was just being stupid and sarcastic. However a lot of people gave me grief about my blog in turn making me actually hate the Smart Car and their “supposed” purpose.

My theory is its a conspiracy by the government for control on the growing population. Convince the masses that it’s a cool unique smart car, have them by it, then BOOM! a 18 wheeler comes crashing into you leaving nothing but broken glass everywhere.

Touche government, touche.

Feel free to read up ….. What\’s the Deal-Smart Car

I love the Smart Car’s slogan. It’s so uncar or open your mind to the car that challenges the status quo.

Here is the so-called benefit to the Smart Car: Over 96 million Americans drive to work alone each day. That means there are about 288,675,000 empty seats commuting to and from work. Astonishing. That’s why we got rid of the backseat entirely.

I am sorry but that is stupid. If that is the case… then the whole of this car is for lonely fucks!! Fucks that don’t have kids or a lover!!! If  a guy got rolled up in a Smart Car…. jaaaaaaaaaaaaaa,  I can just imagine what the “real package” looks like.

I’ll be like…  I didn’t order a smart car! I ordered a bull dozer baby!!

People who drive these cars probably sing… Eric Carmen’s All By Myself!!

Yeah yeah I said!

Also, what the fuck is this!?!

“Look son, this is what you will inherit.”

“Gee Dad doesn’t look much bigger then the car I drive now.”

“I know what it looks like but it will save you a lot of gas and it will keep you very unlaid.”

“Awww really dad!! That’s what I always wanted…. a non pimp-mobile! I wanna stay a virgin forever. “

“Well here it is. I just gotta make sure no one sneezes on it til you turn 16!”

Damnit!!

Well at least, you got the extended warranty.

Why is it called Smart Car anyways?

Is it just because it saves on gas? Is it because you not only bought a car but also a coffin and burial plot in one??

I am sorry but that ain’t very smart.

You know what is smart though??

A car that would prevent you from crashing. Yeah, that would be smart!

You know what would be smart… if there was a radar that would alert you when you got to close to another car. That would be smart!!

And lets say you ignored the alert, then a brake assist system would kick in and apply the brakes, bringing the car to a stop, if needed. Yes! That would be fucking intelligent!!

Too bad we don’t have this technology!

Wait!!!

We do!!

Mercedes has it! And yes Mercedes is actually a real life car!!!

Now shouldn’t that be called a Smart Car?

Just because Justin Bieber now wears glasses doesn’t make him smart…. so we wouldn’t call him that  unless he was actually fucking smart, right??

I get the angle of the Smart Car but it doesn’t make sense!! I say this as I hit my head with my fists!

All these yuppie loving Smart Car drivers need to find an island and not shower together!!

(dropped the mic and walked away George Jefferson style)

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Ode to the Woman I Should Have T-Boned

 

Dear Woman that Nearly Killed Me;

First off, thanks for making sure I would be awake next week on Friday. Your dumb ass maneuver almost cost me and definitely you!

What makes you think you can turn left from the middle lane? Seriously! What makes you think you can do this when people are coming off the freeway ramp right at your direction?!?

Let me give a crappy illustration so people can see the dumbass that you are!!

According to my illustration a car and I were both coming off the free way on the ramp. You were on the far left right and realized too late that you had missed your exit and where trying to turn on the turn around where another car was already stopped due to the light. You turned into the middle lane (MY FUCKIN LANE) and sat there horizontally… waiting!!

Are you fucking nuts???

You missed your exit now you gotta turn around up ahead… not stop oncoming traffic!!

I saw your face… either you didn’t give a crap or you know what the hell was going on.  You must be a retard!!

I should have t-boned you. I mean sure my front end would have smashed up but for sure you would have been cut in half. But noooo I had to swerve the hell out-of-the-way just to avoid hitting you. I could have gotten hurt!!

Man … I should have hit you. You seriously didn’t have a care in the world! And you were the one doing something illegal. I even hurt my hand punching the horn!!

I never use the horn!! But at the moment I wished my horn had said,” Fuck you stupid lady!!”

Horns don’t really translate what we need them to say sometimes.

I would have hit you if I was rich. Cause getting another car would have been fine and easy. Thank your lucky stars I am poor!!

You give women drivers a bad name!! So of course, I hate people like you!! Man, I should have T-boned your ass!!! God, I kick myself!!

That concludes this letter.

I just wanted you to know my feelings you stupid traffic slut. Try not to kill anyone you retard!

 

 

Karma is a Bitch-a!

If you saw this tweet … you probably just thought it was Marina being retarded again. Normally that is correct. Many of you are aware of my degree in well… retardation.

It took me forever to spell my name!

Seriously, though this morning kicked my ass.

My daughter, Savannah, and I got up early to get ready for school and work. We race each other as we get dressed however she always wins cause she doesn’t  have to wear a bra. This morning as normal I am jumping around trying to put on my pants …

You know the old song and dance every morning of putting on pants… and my daughter decided to point out, “Mom maybe you need some bigger pants. You have a hard time pulling them up. ”

Thank you for that my dear lovely child!

I thought about explaining that its just the recent expansion of my thighs and ass and how that’s normal. I thought giving examples of  how expansion is good. Why, if the USA didn’t expand, Texas would never have joined the nation. However they did join the expansion in 1845.

Ahh, screw it. I will gladly point hers out when its her time. Eh, no I won’t.

Right there was a sign. Mystical beings were floating around my house ushering me back into bed and trying to dispel any thoughts of me going into work. However, I am a firm believer if you wake my ass up as early as I woke up … I better stay awake for good reason or my entire day is shit.

It was shit anyways.

After dropping Savannah off at school starting 7:20am, dropping my other rugrats at the mothers at 7:45am, trying to get out of  her street from 7:55am to 8:10am. I couldn’t go the normal way because it was closed to a major traffic accident. So I had to drive further to the main highway.

Once I was approaching the main high way at 8:22am I realized that half the city was trying to get on the free way as well. So I decided to take the back highway. Completely backed up!

It was then determined the Universe was against me!

I had to back track and take the opposite way to get on the main high way … again. Then there was bumper to bumper traffic. Bumper to bumper traffic scares the living shit out of me… seriously! It’s a good thing I am wearing dark pants!

I am hyperventilating the whole way cause I AM NOT USED TO BUMPER TO BUMPER traffic. I’ll leave that to the pros in Dallas and California.  My whole body was tense because I was nervous I was gonna get “the dumbass” who would end up rearing a car in the back!

Rearing is totally not my forte!  I mean, really who does like rearing? Your ass gets rammed and you can’t sit for a week. Am I right?

Totally not cool universe. So after driving for almost two hours I got to work. Too bad I can’t sue the city for emotional distress… cause I was distressed!  Wait, is that a pinched nerve?!

I love it how the entire city freaks out when there are accidents … It kinda feels because of all the chaos I should stop driving and start looting. Do you guys get that feeling?

Well today even though I was later than normal! I still beat the Universe!

True, there were times I wanted to give up. During my many trips to escape traffic, I seriously thought about calling in and saying to my work, It ain’t happening today. No not at fucking all!

But… I stayed strong.  Yeah Eye of the Tiger man!

Fuck yeah.

Marina 1  Universe 0

Wait… that means that the Universe is going to get me sooner or later. Damn it… now I gotta watch Final Destination and take some serious notes!

It’s True … I watch way too much tv

This weeks blogs have been for crap.

I don’t think today will be any better. I lack any opinion for anything today. Nada. Zip.

Obama. Eh.

Oprah. Eh

William and Kate. Double Eh

American Idol. Eh.

You catch my drift.

~~~~

Yesterday on my way home, I witnessed a police car chase. You know, they aren’t as exciting as I thought it would be.

I got a really good look at the driver. He was driving in a Ford Red old pick up truck. He looked like he wasn’t wearing a shirt. He also  looked white. That’s important I guess. What stuck me was the fact that he had his elbow on the window seal thing.  Like he runs from the cops all the time. I didn’t see him once looking back or have an uneasy look. No he was sitting back staring straight ahead. From the looks of it, he wasn’t even speeding!  At least, he didn’t look like it.

In all honesty, what gave him away was the troopers with their sirens on that were right on his ass.

As soon as I realized what it was, I was like ‘Oooo a police car chase!’

However that feeling quickly evaporated.  What happened to the swivering crazily, the helicopters  in the sky, crashes, explosions, shooting between the cars. I really feel as if Bad Boys lied to me.

This is not real folks.

How can I even watch Bad Boys again? Now a doubt has been planted  in my mind. Now I am questioning everything. My world is spinning!  Is it getting hot in here?!

Pretty soon, you people are going to tell me that Snooki is real, that Brad and Jennifer Aniston broke up, that Ricky Martin is gay! Get the fuck out!

~~~~~~

You know what makes my day?

Hilarious tweets. I try to say funny shit as randomly as I possibly can. To be retweeted is the ultimate high!  Here is what I tweeted this morning. For once, it was true!

http://twitter.com/#!/posterofagirl7/status/40775865235292160

And people retweeted this. Granted this wasn’t my best. I have many others:

http://twitter.com/#!/posterofagirl7/status/39415580738064384

http://twitter.com/#!/posterofagirl7/status/6070006961938432

http://twitter.com/#!/posterofagirl7/status/20893896022

Just one more thing to make my life purposeful. Especially since TV is not failing me.

Nakedness, Bad Drivers, and the No No On Doing the Macarena

Sometimes my mind just does not stop running. I am always thinking. Sometimes I even have to drone my own self out just to get away. At least, I am not talking all the time. Cause then I would be really annoying. So here are my conclusions on a few things:

  • I will not sleep naked. Nope can’t. I can be naked maybe half way through the night but even when I fall asleep I know still that I am naked and I can’t sleep. So I end up waking up in the middle of the night to put clothes on. My husband is always asking me to sleep naked.  As much as I would like to say yes to his little fantasy, I just can’t. It’s clearly because of mental state but here is why I don’t. One: What if our kids need me in the middle of the night? I am gonna stumble in their rooom half asleep and despite what might be ailing them they are going to ask, “Why are you naked mommy?” Whether its 3 am and they are running a 101 fever, they will suddenly be bewildered that I have no clothes on. What’s my explanation for this one? “Um, I was gonna take a shower? Yes I know it’s still dark but I was a bit stinky.” Or, ” Darn those elves that misplace your shoes every day. They must have snatched my clothes.”  There is no explanation even with a five yr old and a three yr old. I know I am shit up creek with no real plausible answer.  The second and most important reason is, What if there is a fire?!?!  Seriously, that is my biggest fear in the middle of the night. Are you are gonna wake up and have time to look for shoes and half decent clothes? No, you are gonna grab each other and probably throw yourself out the window!  And I don’t wanna sleep naked cause I know I will have to choose between the kids or my clothes. So for sure, all my hidden goods will be on nightly display. Cause again, even if it’s 3 AM, the majority of the neighborhood will be out standing in the front yards in their warm slippers and robe. And here I am, letting it all hang out! What would the firemen think?  “Please save out house!” Blank stares. “Yes these are boobs. My house is on fire! See fire! Hello, fire!”

 

One thing that bothers me is when people don’t help out the sterotypical things that are said about them. People say black people love chicken. When I am at pizza hut and I see a black person eating pizza, I stand up and clap. Cause guess what MoFo’s? Not every black person likes chicken. This guy digs Italian! However, some people just like the stigma around them and run with it. For instance:

  • This guy—-> Hello, hi yes. Do you know what everyone around here is saying? Stupid Mexico driver doesn’t know how to drive and park either apparently! If you are from these parts, you loathe the Chihuahuaian drivers. Not only do they get the best parking place everywhere, but they are know to cut you off, make illegial turns, and just general piss you off. Yes, this guy did take my parking place. But then his small ass car decides to take two parking spots! Are you kidding me? You aren’t helping yourself or the other Chihuhuaian people.  There must be an explanation for this behavior. They must all take school on how to drive to piss people off. Oooo, that makes me so mad!

There is a big difference between being gay and acting gay. It’s ok to be gay. That’s fine. You are who you are. Or like Seinfield would say, “Not that there is anything wrong with that.” But acting gay …uhhh when you aren’t gay. That’s just,  well,  gay! And there is no real cue for acting gay, you just know it when you see it. This has nothing to do with real gay people. Cause when a gay man acts gay,well that’s kinda expected. That’s who they are. But when straight people do gay douche things, there need to be acting-gay police to kick your ass back to regular stupid.  

definitely acting gay!

When a dude is being a big pussy and he can’t take his friends riding him, GAY!

When you think you are The Situation and you are always taking off your shirt, GAY!

If you drive a Prius, GAY!

If you have a picture of yourself with the body of a centaur, GAY! (Sorry Alex Rodriguez)

Doing the robot is not gay, so your safe. Had to address that for my people of the 80’s.

But! Doing the Macarena is GAY!

And so is wearing a headband working out or not. Just plain GAY!

In case, people were wondering about these three things, I figured I needed to spell things out.

Til next time.

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