In the room where I sleep … my thoughts overflow.

Posts tagged ‘work sucks’

Friday Nonesense of Wasting Your Time: You’re Welcome!

Inspired by Irene’s post yesterday, I too will take the challenge. I too will give you useless drivel about me. Not only will it have no affect on your sleep, but you will continue on with your day as if nothing happened.

How is that not a deal?!?!?

Nothing for nothing!!

So, the rules of this “tag-you’re-it” are:

1. Post the rules. Check!!

2. Post 11 facts about yourself. Awesome! I love talking about myself… that’s why I have a blog!

3. Answer the questions the tagger has put in their post and come up with 11 of your own for those who you tag. I’m not tagging shit people! This is effort-free Friday.

4. Tag 11 people and put them in your post. How about no and say I did?

5. Let them know you’ve tagged them. Sighhhhhhhh

So awesome things about me so you will like me are:

1. I am obsessed with food. It’s a wonder why I am not 437lbs!!

2. I love my kids more than anything in the world… but my iPhone is a close second.

3. I have been attacked by one dog in my life. A fucking Cocker Spaniel! Seriously!!

4. I love babies. That’s probably why I had so many kids. So if you don’t want yours, I will gladly take your baby!

5. I am trying real hard to become an alcoholic. I keep forgetting to drink! And believe me, I have reason in the world to be the President of AAA!

6. I like to make CD’s for people of music I like. Except no one likes my music and I don’t  know anyone who would like me to make a CD for them. I used to make mixed tapes all the time.

7. I have an obsession with planes. I could watch them land and take off all day.

8. I am gonna have a mental breakdown when I turn 28 in two months. Just a warning if I make no sense in the next month or so.

9. I don’t understand why everyone loves Beyonce. I just don’t see it. She isn’t that wonderful. She even dances weird. Please see this video if you don’t know what I am talking about.

10. I am totally a yes lady. I say yes to everything. I am like down for anything. For instance, when I was 16 I was at drivers ed class. Nearby was a huge hill of concrete. I was dared to get in a shopping cart and go down the hill. I did it…and I totally did not die!

11. I have no shame and I don’t embarrass easy. I totally don’t mind me being the but of a joke.

Now to the questions that Irene so thoughtfully prepared.

  • What’s your favorite meal? Anything that involves crab legs. I got a thirst for buckets of crab!
  • What would you do for a Klondike Bar? Throw in a Snickers bar and it will be like what will it take Marina to stop!!!
  • What’s in YOUR wallet? receipts that are not important, my ID for buying fictional alcohol, and my debit card. Pretty lame…
  • Who’s your secret crush (be careful, it won’t be a secret if you answer)? My secret crush Kim Kardashian. In my next life I am coming back as Kanye West!
  • What car do you drive (do you really think I was going to do something like this without mentioning or making a reference to an automobile?)? I drive a Chevy Tahoe. What I really wanna drive is a 2012 Camaro or 1984 Chevy lifted truck with a short bed. Oh god, I may have just orgasm-ed envisioning this.
  • What is your favorite vacation destination? Anywhere at this point… even my bed is sounding fucking nice right now!
  • Who’s yo daddy? Well, I am not sure what you mean. My biological daddy? My sugar daddy? My pimp daddy?  My biological daddy is a guy named Eduardo Rodriguez. My sugar daddy & pimp daddy is Gus Sanchez.
  • Do you believe this planet will implode on December 22 of this year? I fucking hope so. I need some chaos in my life. Plus I want to put my survival skills that I learned from Bear into use.
  • What’s your zodiac sign? Virgo… I am a virgin.
  • Will Justin Bieber ever go away? I hope not. Big Fan!! Baby baby baby ….
  • Will Michele Duggar have more babies? Yes then they should do a documentary on what she looks like down there so everyone can know. Lets wear out that dirty laundry.

My turn!!!

  • Do any of you people know where I can find a distant relative that is dying and looking to give his money to someone?
  • What do I do if I got an itch down there and I am in the middle of a public area with no place to hide?
  • How bad will a Brazilian wax be?
  • I feel like making another crazy video. What should I do? My version of dubbsteping? Any suggestions?
  • Is Nancy Kerrigan still pist about the whole breaking her leg? She should let that go.
  • How can I get my husband to massage my back more? Is there a way I can train him to do every time I ring a bell?
  • Is there a way to get people to like you? I open to beating people down.
  • Does anyone else think Tom Cruise’s daughter look kinda alien-ish? Whoa maybe I should not ask that and maybe you shouldn’t answer. You know, for safety reasons.
  • Do you believe in Aliens? I totally want to believe in them. I believe in zombies. So why not?
  • Do you have a zombie apocalypse plan? I do… its become redneck. They survive everything.

  • Which celeb do you hate??

There ya go.

God damn… I wrote a book.

You’re welcome!

How To Be Really Annoying At Work

I, MarinaSleeps, have tested the boundaries and limits of my co-workers. I almost led them to going postal… on me.

YeahI did that!

I got on people’s’ nerves! And you can do it to. Just follow my free easy steps and I will assure you that you will be on your way to being the jerk everyone KNOWS and LOVES despises.

1. Involve yourself in a discussion you know nothing about

And do it often. If you are new at this, you may need a little help. Doing this sober is only to cause you to hang back and look like an amateur. You need to get hammered. Pour a bottle of Bailey’s in your coffee or Vodka in your water. Whatever you need to do, do it to get hammered.  This way you wont be afraid to show your ignorance. You soon will discover once the room starts spinning that you have VERY STRONG VIEWS on everything.  You’ll be a WEALTH of information. You’ll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.

2.  Make Things Up

Suppose your co workers are talking about Bangkok’s economy (again something you know nothing about) and you are trying to  that Bangkokians (is that right? Oh well fuck it.. Hell yeah It Is!!) are underpaid. This is all based on the fact that you are UNDERPAID so hell yea you got an opinion even if it has nothing at all to do with the topic at hand.  Plus, you will be damned if the people of Bangkok are doing better than you.

Don’t say: I think the people of Bangkok are underpaid.

Say: Say instead: “The average Bangkokian’s salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level.”

What?!

I don’t know but it sounds awesome. Always make up exact figures.  And if you are asked where you got that info from… make that up also.  Say: “This information comes from Dr. Samuel L. Dell’s study for the Scotch Report published on May 7, 1982. Didn’t you read it?” Say that in the same tone of voice you would use to say, “You left your shit covered underwear in my bathroom.”

3. Use Words that are Meaningless but Sound Important and Weighty

First memorize this:

Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
Ipso facto
Ergo
So to speak

Also, memorize some Latin abbreviations like “i.e.” and “e.g”  which are all short for “Naa Naa Naa Naa Na I can speak Latin and you can’t.”

Add these words in any part of your sentence. For instance, say: Let me put it to you this way. In terms of the ratio vis-a-vis cheese dip qua tostados,  there would need to be an even amount so to speak but there is an always lack of cheese per se, as it were. Ergo, ipso facto, case closed. E.G.

No one could give a possible retort to that.

4. Use an abundance of irrelevant comebacks.

Crap like:

 

  • You’re begging the question
  • Don’t Compare apples to oranges
  • What are your parameters?

That last one is extremely important because I don’t think anyone knows what parameters are other than engineers.

And also don’t forget the classic: You’re so linear.

Here is how to use these babies….

You say: As JFK said in 1969…

Coworker: JFK died1963.

You say: You’re begging the question

You say: Mexicans like most Europeans…

Coworker: Mexicans aren’t Europeans.

You say: You’re just being defensive.

You say: Since the invention of electricity….

Coworker: Electricity is not an invention.

You say: Well DUH!

5.  And to really drive your point across… Compare people to Hitler

This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say, “That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say,” or “You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler.

My favorite is: He has a Hitler-esque  thing going for him.

Follow these instructions closely.

Only then can you get a paid leave of absence without even asking for time off!

This Just In: Mondays are More Depressing than We Thought

I cursed the day this morning. As soon as I heard the alarm, I heard the most horrible livid words come spewing out of my mouth.

Me? The Saint.

I know right? I am just as surprised as you. Mother fucking Monday ruining my day.

Mondays make it hard for a me to smile. In fact, I probably won’t smile until 11:18 A.M. and not a minutes less.

Studies show that I am going to arrive  late to work and actually work only 3 hours.  I am fucking screwed today people!! All because it’s a Monday.

I figured that there has to be way…. there has to be a way to beat the negativity that Mondays bring.

Work is my tribe.  I spend more time here then I do at home (someone needs to fix that!!). I need to reconnect with these people cause though, I hate the majority of them, they are still my tribe. We  are essentially cavemen in city suits.  And we are experiencing this Monday together.

Sure there are some I would let the Saber tooth tiger of life eat like the crazy always cheerful receptionist in Admin who I think is high on Meth and not the supposed “high on God” she so claims.

Perhaps I need to linger around the ole coffee pot and connect. You know, feel part of the tribe.

But oh God, there is “Dipweed” of Purchasing that sooooooooooo wants to tell you about his weekend. He stands there staring at you with his goofy smile, watching you prepare the shit you call coffee but can actually fuel a 18 wheeler.

He asks how was your weekend. I know he doesn’t really wanna know about my weekend…. I answer him anyways counting down in my head how long it will take him to interrupt me…

1…2…3…

“That’s great… we had a barbecue this weekend. Had the in-laws over. You know how that goes… my daughter said the cutest thing…. blah blah blah…”

Why isn’t this coffee poison?!?!

 And after that … well its all down hill after that.

The next few hours are for remorse…. remorse and regret about not fully enjoying the weekend, not taking more naps, not watching more tv, not appreciating the bed/sofa/refrig.

Monday …. you suck. No matter how I try to see it you are trouble. You bring more days just like you!  You remind me how short life is and how I can’t do it because I am too busy doing the responsibilities you bring in!!  It’s the longest day of the week; it’s a proven scientific fact. Each second is .88892% longer. Just because it’s Monday.

Plus I heard that Monday eats small children, puppies, and little people.

So Optimistic I Wanna Kill Someone

Oh God… it’s Monday.

Even though I don’t want to be “here” I am still giving it my all. I am still a good mood. I am not taking out my internal anger on how the weekend flew by so fast on anyone here.

So here  I am happy and working at the office.

Then shit just got real!

Shit hit the fan.

And now I am royally pist that I wanna take my stapler and beat some people over the head with it.

I notice that one of the vendors is bringing in some donuts.

Preferably, I don’t care for sweets. I just don’t. If you made me choose between a steak and cake I will always pick the steak. Every time. We, in the office, see the vendor walking in and all I say is, “Man I wish he had brought some breakfast tacos. My stomach can’t handle sugar this morning.”

As soon as the vendor walks in I greet him and my co-worker throws me under the bus saying, “Tell him what you said.”

I was like what the fuck are you doing…

He goes and ahead and says that I said the old vendor used to bring in breakfast tacos.

Mother fucker!!

Are you kidding me? Are we in high school???

Then the ass hole co-worker tells me that now the vendor will bring breakfast tacos like if it was some sort of little plan he and I were in on!!

I did not say that. I didn’t even imply anything rude or mean. I didn’t even say it in a bitchy tone. If you know me, you will know that there isn’t any bitchiness in me.

Then the vendor goes and tells my boss. Oh they laugh it off like its a big joke.

I should never have opened my stupid mouth. I have no idea what is holding me back from spearing my co-worker in the eye with my purple BIC round stic Grip pen.

Then my boss asks me where a certain file it. I ask him what year it was done in. It was last year so I point him in the direction of  the 2011 files. Well he can’t find it so I get up and look for it. Then he gets exasperated and takes it upon himself to label all MY shit.

I spend the whole morning trying to find the damn folder come to find out that it wasn’t done last year but in 2010. It was his project you think he would know that. He has been here long enough, you would think he would know the system that THEY created and I just follow.

Then he feels like I am too messy and must label everything on my desk so he can find stuff. Nothing on my desk belongs to him!! I have nothing for him. The project folder was in the correct place according to year.

This is all just part of their plan to own me business-ly speaking… if that makes sense.

And I refuse. I refuse to be their little woman, their pet, their anything. I just work here and that’s all I wanna do. They seem to forget that I am the only women here and that my emotions can and will run wild. And if I ever was to murder them I would do it while I was on period. Women have got off for murder because they have pleaded temporary insanity.

We all can agree that we don’t need the only female in the office to go postal. God forbid, THOSE guys would have to actually do some work!!

So here I am clenching my fists, grinding my teeth trying to stay away from anything sharp.

Just breathe, smile…. its not everyone’s fault that you are surrounded by dumb asses.

Breathe….. smile….. breathe…..

Traffic- A Post About Whatever

Every morning as I get onto Interstate 10 to make my 40 minute commute to the other side of town I must deal with horrific traffic.

It’s always bumper to bumper. And for some reason, there are always areas that are the worse. Everyone seems to go to extremely slow in certain parts. And then there is always some accident, some fender bender, that slows up the whole process.

You know the purpose of traffic??

The government invented it to thin out the herd.

Its true… I blame everything on the government. However, until the government starts releasing information on whether aliens are real or not, George Bush Jr’s IQ scores, or what really is behind the Declaration of Independence, they will always be a suspect!!

So back to what I was saying… Oh yea… traffic and how it’s all part of the government’s plan to control population.

The USA can’t just come out and go all China on us. Who wants to be like China?? Not us!!

So instead of commanding how many babies you can have, they think of ingenious ways that we can or will off ourselves.

What is more life threatening than traffic?!?!

Death does a three-way with traffic.

Yes there is sex in everything!!

First, traffic gets so crazy it affects us physically. Thus we create accidents. Traffic will enrage us because a) a slow dumbass is in the fast lane b)18 wheelers are part of traffic c)someone is always running late.

And due to traffic, we will make mistakes. And those mistakes will cost us… dearly. And then we will be dealing with the traffic into getting heaven. But that’s all whole different conspiracy!

We will change lanes too suddenly without warning or the classic move where we are riding someone’s ass and BAM! we smashed into them.

It’s all part of the plan.

You die and that is one less person the government has to worry about. The population gets thinner every morning.

The other way traffic is psychologically.

Its gets into our mind man. Traffic will infuriate us making us become natural-born killers. We start to think evilly.

Case in point: Yesterday morning as I was approaching the exit to get on the interstate, I saw the massive traffic jam. And then I thought, if there are so many accidents every morning, why is there still traffic?

I, and I am ashamed to admit it, was thinking if half of these people were gone, there would be no traffic! Getting to work would be a walk in the park!!

Traffic got into my mind… and my soul!!

God damn traffic.

I wished everyone dead.

Why?

Just so I could to work.

Fuck work!!

Work can wait.

Its time we take back America folks!

We need to smash this greed and evil that lurks on the corners of highways!

I plan to plant sunflowers in every part of the freeway!!

Then maybe, start putting hobos to work holding inspirational signs reminding us to love and think of peace.

Maybe we can join hands in the morning and sing songs by The Byrds and Jefferson Airplane!

Ok Ok, you got me. I am trying to bring back the 60’s.

However, we can all agree that traffic is still the devil.

Musical Revolution- Lets Just Get This Day Over With Jams

 

I feel like I need to liven up this day. It’s Friday and we need to start and keep the celebratory attitude all day!!

So here it is…. your Christmas present very very late.

Here are a couple of tunes I recently added to iPod!!

Enjoy …

First one is… Rebecca Black in Friday!!

Just kidding!!!!

Cage the Elephant-Back Against the Wall

Love that song!!

Another one I loved way back when by only just remembered and finally added to the wonder that is the iPod.

How did I forget about this song? It’s so weird and trippy.

Your Woman-White Town 

Isn’t this song the greatest?

Another song that I just love is Avenged Sevenfold’s Buried Alive.

This song has some sweet guitar riffs! It makes me wanna learn how to play guitar. Plus, it totally reminds me of the good ole days with Metallica.

Enjoy.

And finally….

La Roux with Bulletproof

 

New Year Resolutions With More Scars, Nudity, and Hopefully making friends at AA!!!

That was last year….and I totally rocked it out!! Like totally. Sadly I don’t have any tattoos or piercings or scars to commemorate this past year. Fuck I should have thought of that before Sunday!! I could have lit my self on fire or something. I did have a couple of close calls while making pizza!!

I already posted my first and foremost resolution that is  important to me.  I thought, I need more. What’s better than self disappointment on December 31st of 2012!!!

If there is even a December 2012. Finger crossed!!

I read all these resolution list of people who now feel resolutions are so passé.

Fuck you!!

I am uncool and will be uncool til the day I die! I will continue to do resolutions til the die!

Not keeping promises is the American way!

So to begin…. music!!

Resolution 2. I Need More Scars

Scars from the year to show that I am actually doing something. I need to start jumping off buildings, getting dirty, I need a damn neck brace!!

Resolution 3.  I will try to be active everyday even if its one activity.

I am gonna go balls to the wall with this. Yesterday I rode a bike. Today I will jump on the trampoline. Tomorrow I will smash glasses with a practiced high kick. It will be glorious.

Resolution 4. I am going to try to wake up …. (say it, say it Marina!!) earlier.

God, I hate waking up. God I hate waking up early. It’s always in the morning do I wish I was dead!! Cause then I could sleep!!!

But I need to wake up early. Part of my stress is being fucking late everywhere. Seriously, how do you other grown ups do it?

I try going to bed early, but I can’t shut down.  And even if I get proper sleep, I can’t remember why I have to wake up in morning!!

I don’t remember work or getting my daughter to school. I can’t compute. So nothing is important in the morning.

I lost the getting up battle today, but I will try again.

I need a wake up service in my room. I need someone’s annoying voice to bug me at 6:15am in the morning.

What is my mother doing around that time??

Resolution 5.  I am going to drink more. Seriously. I need to drink… and more often. My life is getting faster and faster and stressful… I need to work on my vices and fixes.

I am envious of those who tweet that are a  enjoying a nice vodka and cranberry. I figure that if I can start I might be able to handle the step son when he comes over and STAYS for 17 days straight.

I could have used alcohol the entire holidays!!

Also, if I get drunk periodically throughout the year, I will thus create a resolution for next year on attending AA regularly.I know I will totally score loads of friends there.

Resolution 6. More nudity.

Seriously. I need to make a day outta the month that I can just get naked. Not for sexually purposes but to air creases, to appreciate the nice cotton in my bed sheets and the leather on my couches. I think my husband and I can both agree that finding crumbs on each others’ bodies during sex is  bonus features that you never stop loving.

Sex and a snack!

Great!!!

Also, I plan to read more, work harder, learn something different more often, be more open minded about things.   and a bunch of other crap …. etc etc…

So there you have it… my resolution list!!

Easy enough to make, easy enough to break…. all in the American Spirit!

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