In the room where I sleep … my thoughts overflow.

Archive for the ‘An Addition of the Crazy’ Category

The Art of Catching Some Zzzzz’s

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Being a mother is extremely demanding. Somehow you are the first one up and the last one to bed. You are always extremely tired and can be found falling asleep as you practice reading with your daughter. You anxiously await the anticipated bed time where you can snuggle in your sheets, lay your head on your puffed up pillow and fall gracefully to sleep the way princesses do in movies.

However is that really the case?

I can be falling asleep on the way home from work, on the couch, the dinning table, even as you move about assembling the essentials for the next day. However, as soon as I lay in bed, it gets COMPLICATED!!

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Ideally I want to lay on my back. If I position my pillows just right, both my shoulders properly proportioned equally on the pillow will make for a nice restful sleep. See, this is the type of Science they should be teaching in school. The physics of perfectly aligned shoulders.

But still, I can’t fall asleep. This is not the position I am used too! You see, we recently got my baby boy to stop sleeping with us. When he was a baby, we messed up by putting him in the bed with us all because we wanted an extra few hours of sleep during feedings and diaper changings.

SO SUE US!

Then he just grew super fast and pretty soon I was the one hanging off the edge. Everyone morning, my shoulders would ache because I was forced to sleep on my side all night!

So we moved him into his room. Then we felt guilty and I was cold. So there he went back into our bed. T-ball started for him. He then decided that he was a big boy and could not sleep with us. So there he went back to his bed in his room. I was sad. I missed him. But my shoulders didn’t. In one night I was cured and could never go back to the old way again.

But like all great things, the season ended as well as Ryan’s desire to be a big boy. We couldn’t get him to stay the night in his room. Finally, it donned on us to bring his bed into our room. So we did that… and we have our bed back. Hopefully, we will have our room back.

Sigh….

So I lay there fully enjoying the arms space I have. I now have the power to roll up in a little ball, spread out like an X and even sleep side ways. The possibilities are endless! But I just ache for comfort and want to fully enjoy the space laying on my back.

Still, it doesn’t feel comfortable. What do I do with these arms of mine? Do I cross them over my chest like Wednesday from The Adams Family?

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No that’s weird and uncomfortable. Imagine if I died like that… the medics will think I am  some kind of witch or satanic sleeper.

I finally give up and just roll on my right side like always. I curl my legs up practically in my body and relax. Hopefully, I will just know to change it up in the middle of the night.

Then I start to feel something uncomfortable.

My ankles are touching each other and it’s driving me CRAZY!! My knees are boney and rubbing against each other! If I spread my legs that feels foreign… uhhhhhhhhhh!!!

I just wanna sleep!! I finally just roll over on my stomach and hope the smothering of my face in the pillow will be enough to knock me unconscious!

What is that my feet are hitting?!?!

Ryan is now sleeping horizontally on the edge of our bed!!!!

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29 and Deep Fried

This past Sunday was my birthday. I turned 29 years old.

Weird.

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Who imagines being alive this long? Surely I would have been killed in a traffic accident or something gang related, but no I am still here … turning 29 years old.  I am scared to get older… who isn’t? However I think I am more in shock. Wasn’t I just 16 years old like yesterday? Wasn’t turning 21 while breast-feeding still like an hour ago?

Time has passed before my very eyes… and I now have been  alive 29 years. What the….

The shock has not subsided.

So…. I didn’t do anything to celebrate my birthday. I couldn’t.

Friday I went into panic year before 30 years old panic. I went to the store and bought all these facial creme and washes because if I am going to turn 29 years old I am going to damn well look at least 26! I was gone ho to start taking care of my skin, use the appropriate aging products and all that jazz.

I applied it Friday night, Saturday morning, then spent all afternoon  in the sun. And my facial wash and creme baked on my face  BURNING THE SHIT OUT OF MY FACE especially MY EYE LIDS! My eyelids were dark, wrinkled and puffy.

I aged 70 years  over night. Or got in a fight or cried my eyes out.

I was hideous! There was no way in hell I was going anywhere. And the whole situation made  me more mopey and depressed. I was so sad.

My hubby promised to make it all up to me next weekend, when I won’t look like a deep-fried chick.

Truth is, I don’t feel any different.  In my mind I am still 19. I will probably forever feel 19. The physical part is changing…. and I am trying to will it as much as I can. I honestly want to be fine with getting older but who knows when I will come to terms with it. Once being young is done, its done.

All I ask now is that convenience store clerk card… card the shit outta me please!!

Dress Shopping 101 -Don’t look like a hippie or a lady of the night

I went to the “glorious” mall this weekend in search for a dress to wear to the wedding. I am glad I went with my sister-in-law because I would have not known what to buy. In fact, who knows what I would have walked out  with. 3809563_f260

Ahem.

Apparently… I was going for the flow-y stoner dress that would allow me to go skipping through the fields right before they call you to eat some cake. WHICH makes sense to me because it is a garden wedding with hills and a small pond.

I was reminded that I needed a cocktail dress. I needed a dress that shouted I am related to the wedding party even though I am not officially in the wedding. I needed a dress that shouted also indecent proposals will be considered too.

When dress shopping for a dress, there are too many rules. For instance, you can’t wear white. Why not?! There were millions of awesome dresses in white. Truthfully, I may have been asking for trouble buying a white dress. I would have definitely spilled some thing on it. White is asking for trouble.   But again, why can’t you wear a white dress?!?! The bride isn’t going to wear white!!

Everything I picked wasn’t fancy enough. It had to hug your body like it was an anaconda trying to squeeze the life outta you.  At the same time, I could only look the part of an upscale hooker not actually be one. Try explaining that to the sales lady.

I loved all the dresses with pockets. 50034f-682x1024

However, that didn’t scream cocktail/wedding/sophistication/$1000 a night buddy. Still…. a dress with pockets?! I feel like that is a no-brainier. Think of all possibilities! All the little items I could be responsible for. All the little take home wedding accessories/candy I could leave with. Pockets mean safety for me. A place for awkward hands to be kept. A way to look casual and cool and not the least bit outta place.

Sigh.

I also loved the ones that looked very Grecian/Roman looking dresses.

C026-Black-by-Blush-Prom-Dress-S11But damnit, they were only available in white and I would have no idea where to store a bra. I am completely completely dependent on a bra. My chest malfunctions with strapless. I need the support!!

In the end I bought a black satin dress. I thought it was a bit biker looking but I was assured that it was not. I get to wear a bra (yay!!), it does squeeze me to stand up tall, and truth be told its something I never would have picked it but it’s daring so I figure what the hell.

The whole time my sister-in-law was trying to flatter me that I could wear a paper bag and still look good.

Then WHY WEREN’T WE AT WALMART THEN?!

Merit Badge #1 Not Throwing Up After a 5 Hour Drinking Party

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So I finally was invited a to a bachelorette  party. I have never been to one, nor have I been out partying and drinking in years.  Lets try to NOT roll your eyes at my lameness.

Did I get drunk? Yes. Did I dance a lot? Yes. Did I have a good time? Sure.

Movies have ruined things like this for me.

Where was my crazy almost illegal night?? Where was my wicked ass tiger that was supposed to be in my bathroom? There were no new tattoos or piercings. Everyone was accounted for. We could have at least left someone behind … that would have been epic.

The one thing that was funny was certain girls were throwing up in the limo or out the window. That was hilarious trying to stay sane with the smell.

Still, it’s not like I expected anything. But damn, we were back home at midnight. My kids were still up (rules don’t exist when mommy isn’t around) for god sake!

Like I have been saying, men have a more fun time.  And mum’s the word on the activity they will do. The following days the girls were like remember when “Lucy” fell or remember when Marina was dancing on the pole.

Shut the fuck up!! Ya’ll get a little wild and now I shall pay for it forever.

One thing I am proud of is that I didn’t fall, throw up in the limo, and I kept up with the little 24-year-old girl who parties for a living.

Someone should create merit badges for these kinda things.

There were a few things I learned that night:

  1. It’s very necessary to do things like this from time to time. Stress relief. And it keeps you young.
  2. Always have a seasoned drinker with you.
  3. Vodka and cranberry is sooooo good.
  4. After while everything taste the same.
  5. No heels… or you will fall and fall and fall. I wore flip flops cause I am a lazy ass. Point for me!
  6. Process every drink you take. It helped me concentrate on where I was at and how I felt.
  7. I missed dancing.
  8. No one cares what you wear, only in the beginning when no one is drunk.

Alas, For I Am Without Pranks Today

I’m sad.

I have nothing to trick you with today! I’m without jokes today on this blessed day! Blast!

And I am terrified to read anything today because I am so guilable!

I ran through a possible list of things I could have pranked with …

I could tell you I am pregnant but that would be really just scaring myself. I thought I could tell you I was dying from a terminal illness but I actually haven’t had a physical since… I don’t think I have had one. So who knows, that may be true!  I also thought of telling you that Lindsey Lohan has turned to Jesus. But I think Jesus would be highly insulted further damning my soul to hell.

I am to lazy to plan anything. I have so many things I wanna do but laziness gets the better of me sometimes. So if it wasn’t for the laziness you would either be mad or laughing so hard right now. I am sure I would have dreamt up something epic. But again, too lazy.

So be weary today.

I am.

I carefully scanned my chair and desk before I sat down. I made others taste my coffee before I did.  You just never know. If someone scares you enough to cause a heart attack, remember they can and will get off because scaring someone to death is strictly only allowed today.

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While You Were Examining What Beads Went With What Outfit I Was Sleuthing It On The Internet

First things first… I didn’t watch the Grammy’s.

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So I don’t know anything that happened last night. A great sleuth has to make their sacrifices. Well, that and Walking Dead was on.

Hello!! Priorities!!!!

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But I will get to the Grammy’s tonight after I watch my recorded episode of SNL. Justin Bieber was on people!!

I am sure everyone has heard of the manhunt in LA of the ex-cop who felt he was wrongly terminated from the police force and thus took revenge into his own hands. So ex-cop known as Christopher Dorner is accused of shooting three people. Dorner also made an online manifesto stating the corruption he faced in the police force puting the LAPD in a negative spotlight.

Does he look like LL Cool J to you??

Does he look like LL Cool J to you??

Dorner made a online manifesto (which you could read here ) went into detail about the type of misconduct he witnessed in the LAPD. He goes into detail and detail and you learn a lot about that guy. For instance in his ridicule of his superiors downgrading the president and the first lady he side notes, “Off the record, I love your new bangs, Mrs. Obama.

Thats nice of him!!

Then I guess in a way of saying goodbye he starts shout out thank you’s to everyone is has met and maybe not met:

I thank my friends for the awesome shared experiences. I thank the unnamed women I dated over my lifetime for the great and sometimes not so great sex. It’s kind of sad I won’t be around to view and enjoy The Hangover III. What an awesome trilogy. Todd Phillips, don’t make anymore Hangovers after the third, takes away the originality of its foundation. World War Z looks good and The Walking Dead season 3 (second half) looked intriguing. Damn, gonna miss shark week…. Hillary Clinton: You’ll make one hell of a president in 2016. Much like your husband, Bill, you will be one of the greatest. Look at Castro in San Antonio as a running mate or possible secretary of state. He’s (good people) and I have faith and confidence in him. Look after Bill. He was always my favorite President. Chelsea grew up to be one hell of an attractive woman. No disrespect to her husband.”

He gives Anderson Cooper and Pier Morgan some advice! He states how much he adores Ellen DeGeneres.

Tebow, I really wanted to see you take charge of an offense again and the game. You are not a good QB by todays standards, but you are a great football player who knows how to lead a team and WIN. You will be “Tebowing” when you reach your next team. I have faith in you. Get out of that circus they call the Jets and away from the reality TV star, Rex Ryan, and Mark Rapist Sanchez.

Then he lists a number of actress that he finds the most beautiful women in the world. Hey…. Maxim this is where next year’s list resides!

Dorner lists everyone gives them kudos and telling them how much he enjoys them.

He even says “Charlie Sheen, you’re effin awesome.

Awwww how nice. Fittingly Charlie Sheen has responded. In fact, he is the only one that has.  Sheen has recorded a video plea, sent to ABC News, asking the ex-Los Angeles police officer to call him so they can talk things out.

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“Mr. Dorner, this is Charlie Sheen,” the actor said in the video. “You mentioned me in your manifesto, so thank you for your kind words. I am urging you to call me. Let’s figure out together how to end this thing.”

“Call me,” Sheen added. “I look forward to talking to you.”

Sheen, you are my hero. Seriously, you are the coolest man!!

Man the least the others could have done like Serena Williams, Jay-Z, or Jon Stewart could have done was shot the wanted man a thumbs up.

Charlie, all that coke has made you a man after my own heart!

And finally I was thinking who make a good pope since Pope Benedict gave his resignation.

Here is my top five:

1). Gary Busey: Imagine the crazy adventures. I’ll definitely start going to church.

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2) Pope Keith Richards has a nice ring to it

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3) Blake Shelton: The Vatican has use some Honky Tonky if you know what I am saying.

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4)Denzel Washington… this is for mother!

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5) The Rock: Le Sigh

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I Don’t Care How You Get Here- Just Get Here!!

I stopped writing on here for lack of …. “time”.  It still surprised me that people were visiting my site!

Go home people you are drunk!

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Just playing.

Stay.

Truth is I don’t even care how you get here either.  All that matters is that you are here.  And let me tell you, how you guys get here…. its kinda weird.

Most popular searches that lead people to my blog in 2012 to the present?

Huge Boobs

I hope there was enough for you here. Not from me, but from others. I suffer from the lack thereof! We are still working on a cure. But seriously, I hope you had more boobs then you can handle. That may be a good resolution for all. Get your daily dose of huge boobs. Squeeze a friend!

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Eat the Rich

No, don’t so that. Most of them are just skin and bones. Unless you are trapped on Mount Everest or the desert and it seems like the only way. Eating leaves and ants is for pussies anyways.

I had a lot of Fuck Mondays and Tuesdays Suck .

Come on people, if it ain’t Friday it just isn’t cool.

1friday favorite f word

Praise Jesus, he is Mexican

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Come one white people. Let us have this!

Ryan Reynold’s Bike

Really? That got your here? Ok ok no judgement.

Lucky bike. That’s all I am saying.

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I’m totally not looking at the bike!

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