In the room where I sleep … my thoughts overflow.

Posts tagged ‘Weekend’

Merit Badge #1 Not Throwing Up After a 5 Hour Drinking Party


So I finally was invited a to a bachelorette  party. I have never been to one, nor have I been out partying and drinking in years.  Lets try to NOT roll your eyes at my lameness.

Did I get drunk? Yes. Did I dance a lot? Yes. Did I have a good time? Sure.

Movies have ruined things like this for me.

Where was my crazy almost illegal night?? Where was my wicked ass tiger that was supposed to be in my bathroom? There were no new tattoos or piercings. Everyone was accounted for. We could have at least left someone behind … that would have been epic.

The one thing that was funny was certain girls were throwing up in the limo or out the window. That was hilarious trying to stay sane with the smell.

Still, it’s not like I expected anything. But damn, we were back home at midnight. My kids were still up (rules don’t exist when mommy isn’t around) for god sake!

Like I have been saying, men have a more fun time.  And mum’s the word on the activity they will do. The following days the girls were like remember when “Lucy” fell or remember when Marina was dancing on the pole.

Shut the fuck up!! Ya’ll get a little wild and now I shall pay for it forever.

One thing I am proud of is that I didn’t fall, throw up in the limo, and I kept up with the little 24-year-old girl who parties for a living.

Someone should create merit badges for these kinda things.

There were a few things I learned that night:

  1. It’s very necessary to do things like this from time to time. Stress relief. And it keeps you young.
  2. Always have a seasoned drinker with you.
  3. Vodka and cranberry is sooooo good.
  4. After while everything taste the same.
  5. No heels… or you will fall and fall and fall. I wore flip flops cause I am a lazy ass. Point for me!
  6. Process every drink you take. It helped me concentrate on where I was at and how I felt.
  7. I missed dancing.
  8. No one cares what you wear, only in the beginning when no one is drunk.

While You Were Partying/Getting Hammered/Laying in a Gutter, I Was Digging Up Some News

This weekend I became one…. with the TV. We got immensely close. I was glad to get back in the saddle with my ole buddy. Everyone knows the best source of news is through TV. Duh!

Over this weekend, I am sure some important stuff happened. Something like Octomom is attempting porn…. oh excuse me…. got a little vomit in my mouth.

However, I want to get the hard-hitting news. The issues that weigh on the minds of Americans. The situation at hand.

I am talking about Rhianna …. on Saturday Night Live.

Rhianna was Saturday Night Live’s musical guest this past Saturday. She covered three songs, Birthday Cake, Talk the Talk, and finally Where Have You Been.

Reviews for her performance have been shockingly great. S2S magazine said “Rhianna ruled the stage” and described her performances as “epic“.

Really? Epic??? I was thinking more on the lines of…. “In badly need of  itch cream.”

Let me know what you think

I seriously caught like 6 pattings of the nether regions. If she wasn’t patting it, she was referencing the area pretty dramatically. Her arms and hands were so awkward that I honestly didn’t pay attention to her actual performance.  So it could have been epic… who knows!!!

I came up with a few reasons why Rhianna kept patting herself.

  1. She forgot her to apply her “cream”.
  2. She was reminding us all what it was.
  3. Michael Jackson’s anniversary of death is next month. Possible homage to the Prince?
  4. Possibility of it jumping off and running away.
  5. YEAST!!!
  6. She left her special conditioner on a little too long.
  7. She let Kourtney Kardashian wax her.
  8. She working on a new wrestling move
  9. It wasn’t a suggestion but rather an invite.
  10. Crabs crabs and more crabs.

Either way, Rhianna needs to get that checked. You never mess around with a situation down there.

You may return to your FOX news and Antique Roadshow.

Musical Revolution- Work Sucks Edition

Here I am busting my ass on another day at work. And what sucks so much is that it’s Friday… its like the weekend is within my grasp! I just need to reeeeaachhhhhhhhhhhh for it. I still sadly had to wake up at the butt crack of dawn, drive the mother fucker of a commute to get here, and plop down at my desk for the exact same thing over and over and over every fucking day.

It’s enough to make you wanna blow your brains out.

The only thing that gets me through the day without splattering my brains is my lengthy library of music on my iPod.

God Bless you iPod!!

Wait God is not in my corner… Bless you Apple!

However, once I read this blog from WHOA

I knew I had to create one too!

Crystalized- The XX I need this song to make it through the day. It does what a cigarette does. Calms me down. Yep it’s that good. Working here … sometimes you need to take the edge off some how.

Abuse Me-Silverchair  I am a dumb ass. I take the jerk comments my boss makes like a fucking saint.  I must love the abuse cause I don’t leave. Seriously… sarcastic mother fucker award goes too…..

Everyday is Exactly the Same-Nine Inch Nails    Yes my soul is slowing dying behind this desk. It starts right at 8:05 am. As soon as I see the same person from yesterday ask, “How are you?” Are you fucking kidding me?!??! Nothing changed in the past 24 hours!

Flagpole Sitta-Harvey Danger  Its kinda childish but I swear to effin God that I start to get sick at work. I mean I am not sick but all of sudden I will feel not well. ” Damn where did that shocking pain come from??? Is that a heart attack or am I have an aneurism? I feel the blood vessels pop as we speak!!!!!”

Fuck You-Lily Allen Despite the title this is an awesome little diddy. This is for all the annoying women here. I just wanna come in here and do my job. Thats it. I don’t wanna join any of your committees or your prayer groups or lunch social groups. I just wanna hang solo.

I Get It-Chevelle  There is one person here that everyone worships. Everyone! Including my boss. Seriously… its cold in their shadow. Oh so damn cold!

Jumper-Third Eye Blind– Many a day do I spend talking out the awesome employees from jumping ship and leaving me here!

Kiss Off-Violent Femmes My boss gave me a project (an impossible one) to do in four days! I had to compile three years of material for a customer. It was no easy task and I did it. When he went to present it, he came back the next day and said he didn’t need it anyway! I almost burned down the building that day!

9-5- Lisa Stone  Speaking a which, why the hell are the work days the longest days ever!!! Christmas feels like 5 mins but one day feels like an eternity!!

I Will Survive- Cake Some how (I don’t know) I get a second wind not to staple people’s’ hands to their desk. I am annoyingly optimistic, even to me.

Then of course at the end of the day… we throw our papers in the air and shout with relief….

“It’s Friday night so everythang is poppin.”

The Weekend- Touche Universe, touche

I figure if I am going to be compared to any type of celebrity I would be compared to either Jenny McCarthy or Jessica Alba BUT only in the movie Good Luck Chuck. 

And when I say this I mean like goofy like Jenny and accidental prone clutz in Good Luck Chuck.

It’s true… and this weekend proved more than anything how accidental prone I am. And there is no reason for it. I am just one weird kid.  The only thing I can think of as a possible cause is that I was dropped repeatedly over and over. I have tried to ask my mother to confirm the obvious and she always gets angry and says, “I was a good mother!! Are you saying I wasn’t a good mother?”

No!! Jeez woman!! Man menopause is a bitch apparently. All I was doing was asking  if she beat me repeatedly on the head at one time. Thats not a hard question!

Those blows to the head do explain that I don’t remember anything on Friday. Hmmm… nope seriously don’t remember anything from Friday.

I know we watched The Last Airbender which I have to say is a cool ass movie!!  Saturday we had ballet practice.  My husband’s aunt from California came down. I am especially close to her. She from the beginning of my and Gus’s relationship has just liked me. She has seen things in me that I don’t understand but she loves me.

For instance, I haven’t seen her in two years. Two months ago I dyed my hair with a store box color of red. No one noticed. No one! I never said anything about it either.  If you didn’t notice I wasn’t gonna flaunt it everywhere!!  So here I had dyed my hair two months ago and she had not seen me in two years. And she noticed right away!

We were in the kitchen at my brother in law’s house and she said as she sipped her Chardonnay, “I love that hair color on you. Keep it that way. It brings out your eyes.”

I hugged her with my eyes!  Not even my own mother and sister had noticed. I don’t know why she goes out her way for me. She has grown children and two grandkids. Right now her husband and her are enjoying life with out the kids and are traveling. The other daughter in-laws don’t have any kids, have really great jobs, so they are free of many the financial responsibilities that I have. They are constantly getting her gifts and can fly out to see her many times and one in particular was very close to my late mother in law.

Yet the Aunt gravitates toward me. I have no idea. Maybe I look like a lost soul. I mean I know I am lot funnier.   So we had a good cook out with her and cool husband on Saturday.

Sunday we took the kids off roading and shooting.

Universe: 1


First, we had been riding all day. There was a large group of us and we were taking turns with the quads and the buggie. The buggie was a new thing for me.  It is so fun though. My youngest daughter wanted to ride with me so I took through some sandy areas. We go through this area called Red Sands where the sand is exactly that: Red. And it’s very fine. So you can find some good isolated curvy trails.

So we took a quick turn  in some sandy area and I got stuck in the sand.  No worries…. I stood up and bounced up and down on the buggie and the sand released us. After that I was  a less brave on the sand cause I never get stuck. And I did. Even though I got us out, I knew it would be a few minutes before anyone would come looking for us. And it’s too hot to even wait 10 minutes. I am mean, we are in the beeping desert.

So as I follow the trail back to get us back on the actual road and I go over a small hill and FUCK!! I bottom out. Bottom out means when I not only get stuck but also because my front two tires are not touching the ground and the back two are buried in sand.

My daughter starts freaking out. Geez did she make feel totally irresponsible!

I keep telling her don’t worry everyone is riding around and are bound to show up. And if not that don’t worry Daddy will come looking for us. Sure enough there is my hubby coming around the corner laughing his ass off.

Fuck you universe!  Its kinda embarrassing for me… however I am the only chick riding the quads and  buggie.

Then we went to another remote spot to go shooting. We brought this huge tent to provide shade. Within the time of driving to the area, the weather changed. It was cloudy and windy. It even  started to sprinkle.

My sister and I were sitting under the tent supervising the kids when a big gush of wind caught the tent. Her and I grabbed it quickly, stopping it from flying away.

See I could kick myself with what happened next. After we were done riding, I wanted to go take a nap. But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, my kids wanted to go shooting. They don’t even shoot!!!  So I went to help supervise them . Man, I wanted to go home!

My brother-in-law calls my sister-in-law over to try shooting a few rounds. She says no because she is helping me hold the tent down. He asks me can you handle it. And stupidly said yes.

Wind stronger than me? Get out!!

So there I am sitting there…. when seriously… Zeus blew the biggest gust of wind. Gust may not even be the word. A mini tornado is more exact. I grabbed the tent leg to stabilize and then I noticed my whole chair was moving and  flying away with the tent.

It dragged me a few feet knocking me to the ground and I held on to the leg for dear life!! Everyone rushed over to help me. My back was scrapped, my arms, and I fell and bent the shit out the tent legs.

I got up and my stupid brother in law was laughing. Everyone was. My hubby was like you should have let it go. Uhh!!! I was hanging on to it for dear life!! Hello and it was dragging me whether I wanted it too or not.

Damn you universe… damn you!

Why does this shit happen to me? Why couldn’t it happen to anyone else!??!

Seriously, in one form or another, this is my life everyday.

Singing the Monday Blues

Just so you know: You cannot put the car in reverse without it being actually on. Yeah… it’s already that kind of Monday.

This retardness on my part is a fine example of why there should not even be weekend. I end up forgetting how to function on a regular work day. In fact, even as I sit here at the office, I feel a little lost. My brain is trying to figure up why the hell I woke up so early.

This weekend I did absolutely nothing… nothing. So when I finally went to Walmart last night… I felt a little giddy. In fact we all did! Walmart is nice when there is no one there… and you can leisurely wander the store without confining the chillins’.

Part of the isolation from the world this weekend was because Sienna got sick. She got some stomach bug that apparently is going around. Poor her. She was in the bathroom all Friday evening, all Saturday and didn’t start feeling somewhat normal until Sunday evening.

So I was on Wipe Control, and as any mother knows, being in servitude humbles you.


“Yes Master.”

“Come wippeeee me.”

“Yes master.”


The last time I wrote retard in my blog, I was attacked by a commenter upset that I used the word retard and how that was offensive to Mentally Handicapped people everywhere.

I was like what???? I didn’t call anyone retarded. The only person I retarded is me, my husband, the dog, and things like my car and such. And I use that term in the most loving way possible. God, that’s retarded!


I introduced my kids to Indiana Jones this weekend. There was a marathon and I made my kids watch it. After awhile they all disappeared. Ahhh Harrison Ford … you were so hot! 



Have you guys seen Kick Ass?

It is so Kick Ass! Why didn’t have a dad who taught me how to kick ass, shoot guys, and perfectly throw knives in order to amend his vendetta against the local bad guy?

Ahhh, to dream.


I got in two retarded arguments with my hubby.

Number 1: I told him that I wanted to work on being an early bird. God knows that I hate to wake up early and I would like to be a real responsible Mom and try to get up earlier… like 9am…ish.

I am trying people!!

I went on to explain that I was not a morning person…

And then he stated his opinion basically saying that was a bunch of hogwash!

“Marina there is no one that likes to get up early. I hated to get up early when I was younger. So there is no such thing as this whole ‘I am not a morning person thing’. Why be a jerk to people just because you want more sleep! If you have to wake up, what’s five minutes gonna help you with? “

Ok first off, I have a friend that loves  to wake up early. She wakes up at 5:30am for the hell of it!

Secondly, shut up!! If I say I am not a morning person that means I don’t like waking up early! I don’t harass people. I simply ignore them til I feel ready that I won’t kill them.

Number 2: I love conspiracy theories.

It’s like watching scary movies. You don’t honestly believe in it but its scary and fun to think about it.

I was telling Gus that right after the last Indiana Jones movie about alien-like skulls being found in South America, a documentary came out about actual alien-like skulls being found in the 20’s I believe.

I was telling Gus this and he completely blew me off!

He could not believe I believed in aliens. When the hell did I say that?

And what if I did? Who gives a rat ass!!!

I started telling him all the weird reports of aliens even been found in Roswell, NM. Again, not saying I believe it but just putting out there of what other people have said.

He went nuts on me!!

He told me I was on the verge of becoming a loony like Jesse Ventura.

Is there anything looney about this man other then hair do??

I got annoyed and cut him off. I don’t believe in aliens but its cool to think about especially regarding all the reports and various stories out there.

He obviously was not gonna believe me.

What I find interesting is that aliens from another planet is so  freakin hard to  believe but yet there is this dude in the sky somewhere watching us who created everything out of nothing.

Riiiiiggghhht …. And I am crazy.



Party Party Party Party

OMG I had the best weekend ever … like totally!

If you guys know anything about me, you know that I don’t get out much. In fact, the last time I went out on a date with my hubby it was last year in July. A dinner and a movie.  Who knows before that!  It’s just hard with three kids that are all real young. And then when we have my husband’s son that’s 4 kids. I mean who can watch all 4? It trips me out that people have babysitters. Where do these babysitters live and how can I get one?

My sister in law’s birthday was Saturday and she reserved a party bus the night. And so my husband and I went. My sister (Thank you Laura!!) knew that we needed a night out especially with Gus going out town, so she said she would do it.

So we were set for the Party Bus.

Have any of you been to Mexico? There are these huge tall buses there. They are like white and green and run down. Well these guys renovated the bus. Put nice seats in there, a stripper pole (very necessary apparently!), and a DJ area. You bring your own beer and liquor and stuff so you can drink on the bus. You arrange where you want to go and drink til you get there.

The last time I went to a club I was 19 maybe. So times have changed.

First off, I was totally freaking out cause I didn’t know what to wear. How do people dress to these things? I wasn’t about to go shopping for an outfit either. So I put on some gray slacks and this red cut off turtle neck shirt.  All the girls that I was with were in shorts skirts and boob busting outfits. At 19, I would have been intimdated. I was expecting to feel that way too!

Low and Behold, somewhere along the lines of busting out three kids and raising them…. I stopped giving a shit about what other people thought! And I didn’t realize it til then. It seriously didn’t bother me. I was in such a good mood, I was ready to have a good time.

I was nervous. Where were we going? Would I be uncomfortable? Why was I freaking out about not being with my kids? Am I just totally out of my element? Why am I so lame? Why can’t I stop twittering?

So we met everyone at this country western bar called Whiskey Dicks. It was so cool! I have been there with Gus like in 2007 to see a concert. The atmosphere is great. It’s for an older crowd but it’s so comfortable and relaxed. Plus you could wear jean shorts there! At least the women I saw were. Totally cool!

I had two drinks there. My signature drink: Rum and coke. After two I was slightly buzzing and I started to get excited. Finally the Party Bus arrived.

Ok so this pic sucks. I will get better ones… no promises.

So here we go into this bus that! So should I have not even done my hair? Probably!

I got my signature drink and began the party.

We first went to this club called The Loft.  This club was the size of my living room. Small! It was a like buy a drink and dance where you are at. So I did. I had two of the strongest drinks ever. Seriously I was already ready to vomit then. But I man-ed up people. And my friend passed me a beer. Which I used to rinse out my mouth! And drink of course. The economy is still shaky!

 I loved that all the clubs we went to had tvs. I got to watch music videos. Totally awesome!

Back on the bus, people started to get rowdy. Dancing all over the place, jumping on the seats. Total chaos. Total awesomeness!

Third club was at The Republic. This was so fun. There were go-go dancers. Everyone was dancing. It was crazy and fun. I had two more drinks something with vodka and shot that was yummy! At this point we were all going crazy. And I was peeing a lot!

I noticed too that all the clubs had bathroom attendants. I made friends with two out of three. The last room attendant didn’t look to friendly especially when one girl slipped in her own pee.

I also noticed that even though I was drinking a lot I wasn’t getting drunk or anything. First it was hot in these clubs. True,  body heat is responsible but how about some refrigerated air or something! Second, I was the only mom within the group so I was taking care of people & making sure we were all together and looking for missing people. That didn’t bother me cause I just wanted us to be all safe.

The time in the bus was getting crazy and ex-rated. It was such a blast. People were riding the pole, each other, climbing on the bus, and dancing. I had so much fun! Never have I danced on leather before. It was quite nice. Then I did these  things called Cherry Bombs. They’re cherries saturated in vodka, gin, tequilla, everclear, you name it, its in there. I did 4.

Even after all that, when it was over and time to go home, me the mother who never goes out to clubs, hasn’t drank for 4 years, was the only one good at the end of the night. I drove everyone home!

Who’s Da Boss?

I’m the boss!

So all in all it was a great night. I had a blast. It was awesome doing this with Gus and dancing. He and I both needed. I love it when we go out cause then we rediscover each other again and how we like to cut loose and have fun.

However, I was ready to end it and go home where my babies were.

After the whole night, I was so proud of myself.  And somewhere in all these years, I freaking matured. What the fuck?!?!

However, I feel like a bus hit me… today!

My thighs are sore from wearing heels and dancing.  My arms hurt from holding onto the bars in the bus.

And is my stomach upset?


I Annoy Myself

Trace Adkins has a new song. It’s about this couple and how hard they work on their farm. However,  every now and then they both sneak off to the barn and get it on. This is all played out in the video with puppets. Seseme Street style. They have a boy and girl puppet.The cow, chicken, and pig in the music video are all puppets too.

I thought it was a playful song. It’s called Brown Chicken Brown Cow. I don’t love the song but it is catchy and I find myself singing it. I was even trying to get my kids to sing it. Come on, I would say. It’s fun. And there was a brown chicken and a brown cow in the video so how fitting that  it would be called that. So after singing it all weekend, it finally dawned on that saying brown chick brown kinda sounded like ….


Yeah. I am that stupid… occasionally.  And for that, I annoy myself.

Hello my name is Air Force 1. I seriously thought he was just casually mentioning the chicken and the cow.


I think I finally have tipped the scale. When you start relating to not normal people I think it is time to check your self in.

I found myself relating to this character this weekend.

Yeah. Gus forced  expressed his desire for me to go with him and his brother and dad shooting. Normally I am geared up and ready but taking my small kids is not fun for me. Cause they are running everywhere. We go to the desert and  there is UNCLEAN things everywhere on the ground. They are constantly falling everywhere. Something about desert terrain makes them get all clumsy and retarded for some reason. However, I took them on a little desert hike.

Everytime I go out there, I am anxious to see something. ANYTHING for that matter. A rabbit, a bug, a tarantula, a scorpion, snake. Hell I will take a dead body! Yet there is nothing ever there. My freakin luck! My luck annoys me.

So I got the bee bee gun and started shooting in the holes that I would find. Peta don’t kill me. I was just trying to stir them. Anything I accidentally kill would have been eaten I swear! Being in the desert sure works up at appetite.

Still nothing came up. So anything interesting that I saw, I would investigate it. I was even turning over blankets. Aren’t dead bodies suppose to end up in the desert? Apparently not the one I was in! I started going over in my head what I would tell the cops if I did find a dead body. Would I be traumatized? That would be so cool.

I have this rare condition called No Reaction Syndrome. I named it myself. I either show a late reaction to things or none at all. Seriously. It’s a problem that I struggle with everyday.  For instance, at my last job they let me and few people go because of the economy. Everyone was crying and upset. I needed the job as much as them.  So you know what I did?  At 11 am I went and waited so I could get wasted at a local brewery.

It never hit me. It’s not that I don’t care. I did and I do but there was no emotion there to back up the action. Yep … I am like the tin man in The Wizard of Oz. Dead as a door nail.


 I started going over what I would do if a snake popped up from one of these holes. I then channeled Napoleon Dynamite and his kung fu action. I had skills. Awesome skills.

I pictured grabbing the snake as it jumped at me. I would then grab it and tear off its head.

PSA: Do not let your kids watch TV as much as I watch. I am  a danger to myself. That and I badly need to stop watch people wrestling with gators and snakes. Damn you National Geographic channel.

So yeah, I never got my chance to show off my skillz. Another bummer at the desert. Annoyed!


So this morning I got to my desk and there was my big bowl that I had brought with potato salad  for a potluck. Immediately I thought this can be so useful.


If I just wrapped foil arround my bowl and wear it, my thoughts would be protected from things like aliens. Don’t forget that it’s also awesome head-gear!

I made the comment to someone in my office when they pointed out my bowl. I also said Don’t worry I will re-populate the earth. They laughed and said I and this employee who is like 50 yrs old would be the only one to survive.  I have no clue why they picked him. He wasn’t wearing awesome head-gear.

Then I said that’s cool.

“I’ll just do what I normally do. Be asleep while the re-populating time is happening. Or just whine that I have a headache and if can re-populate the earth another day.”

Geez why do I gotta change everything just because I am mankinds’ only hope. I am gonna be me y’all!

Annoying or not, I stay true to myself.

Out of the Mouth of babes; How I Hate Xbox 360 Live & The Shining is Scary

This weekend we got Xbox 360 Live.

At first this was me …. 

Then shortly after I realized that my husband and his son were hooked. Twenty four straight and counting, I was in a totally different mood.

Yes. Actually I was steaming mad.  Hey man, I am cool. I can hang. But not for twenty-four hours plus! Leaving me with no type of entertainment (that’s right no TV!). I was angry. Thank god its the work week. Now we can act like adults. Wow, did I just say that?

Oh well. I am not so cool after all. You know I would not have minded if they left me with  TV to use. Nevertheless, Xbox 360 is my mortal enemy.

During that torturous time, all I had to entertain myself was the  the internet, I watched movies on Netflix. I saw Over the Top (Sylvester Stallon was hot in the day), and the Shining. I have totally not seen The Shining in its entirety.  I know … lame!

However let me tell you that movie is freaky!  First off, I would never would have married the character Jack Nicholson played. He was creepy even when he was normal. However, that just might be Jack Nicholson’s thing.  In that retrospect, Mary Duvall deserved to die! She was too passive, almost dumb!  Like the way her husband would talk to her. She should have slapped his ass down and set him straight. If it were me, I would have reminded him who cooks his food.  A good hit in the face with the shovel would have worked too. Especially in those times, it was unknown for a woman to abuse her spouse so she would have easily gotten away with it.

I’m just saying.

Again, the movie was very scary. However I don’t get the end. They show a picture of Jack Torrence (Jack Nicholson’s character) in the 20’s as  the caretaker. What did that have to do with movie? Wasn’t he going crazy with cabin fever and because all the past ghosts were talking to him especially the one who murdered the family? And why didn’t anyone else notice that Jack Torrence and 1920’s caretaker were identical?

I get it. It’s only a movie. I just want to understand the movie. I am annoying like that. I ask questions during movies, basically the worst person to see a movie with.  So after that I was scared to go to sleep. Now I have to watch more scary movies. However the next time I am going to make someone watch it with me.

This morning at 6:30am I got a history lesson.  My oldest Savannah who is Kindergarten was half asleep in the shower. The out of nowhere she said, “We are learning about Martin Luther King in class.”

“Oh really. What are you learning about him?”

“Well,” she said, “we learned it was his birthday. And when he and his brother were little, people wouldn’t let them play.”

“Really? Wow!”

“Yeah,” she continued, “he wore a boy tie, a shirt, socks and shoes. And Martin Luther King had little hair. He said everyone should be nice to everyone. He turned the world upside down.”

“He did? For the good or for the bad?”

“For the good. There was white people and then there was brown people. And the white were mean to the brown people. Martin Luther said this is wrong. He said be nice and he started walking everywhere.”

“No way! So what did you learn from Martin Luther King?”

“That you must be nice to everyone and that walking is good for your legs.”

“Did Martin Luther King have strong legs?”

“Of course mom! He walked everywhere!”

There you have it. My history lesson in a nut shell.

Stupid retarded side unicorn

Attention: You all should be super happy I am writing this morning. Why?

Because I am freaking alive that’s why.

This weekend was a test of my coordination and reflex and I failed that shit!

Saturday night we were relaxing at the house. My hubby and his brother were chilling outside as men do.

I went to the frig to get a coke and low and behold there was only one left. I knew this would happen. I forgot to grab sodas on Friday when I went grocery shopping and now I was paying for it. Luckily there is a small market at the end of my street. So I asked the guys if they needed anything (cause they always do) and they requested a 6 pack of Blue Moons.  So I drove down to the market grabbed my 12 pack of Pepsi, this huge box that was a 12 pack of Blue Moon cause that’s all they had.  I was carrying it all to my Tahoe. Let me tell you it was pretty heavy. It maybe added 5 whole lbs to my weight. Sheesh!  How to obese people do this?!?

So as I stepped off the curb with my right foot. Instead of landing on my foot, I landed on my ankle completely!


If I had been a virgin at the time of this event, I would have sworn this was the worst pain in the world.  Stupid virgins and their naiveness.

So I dropped the soda and the bottles of Blue Moon to the floor and start hopping around. Right in front of me was a cop parked in his car. The bastard watched me for about 5 minutes then asked the most dumb ass question the world.

“Are you ok?”

This f*&#&*  cop witnessed everything and he is asking me if I am ok? (Note: I bleep out the bad word in this case because it might not be ok to call a cop a name. Don’t wanna take any chances.)

“No!” I yelled. I wanted to scream and shout. I sat down and tried to evaluate the situation.  Please don’t be broken. I  fucking can’t even stand on it! Oh god why! They overcharged me for the oranges and I pay for it?! What kind of God are you?!

“You know, that’s how my mother broke her foot,” the cop said out of nowhere still sitting in his car watching the whole thing. I am hopping everywhere, sitting on the curb with fists in the air.

Why are you here, I think to the cop. Why don’t you be annoying to someone who might have broken their foot? I was this close to cop brutality. I wanted to throw a rock at the cruiser.

“Great, ” I managed. What I wanted to say is , “To hell with your mama!”

Serve and protect my ass. How about annoy and question! Or Mock and Scorn or Dumber and Dumber!

So I got to the house. My foot was swollen. SWOLLEN.

At this point, I was like I am drinking.

For the record, I really don’t drink. I can’t drink at home. That’s where I usually am. At home. I am a social drinker. Then again, it may be a psychological thing. Case in point, everything is a psychological thing with me.

Any whoooo, I got drunk on two Blue Moons.

Two. How sad is that!

And I must say I maneuver better when really buzzed. I didn’t hurt myself at all. I was comfortable on the couch tripping out on the news. Oh, the world is so sad.

And then, after two beers I got hungry! Seriously, I got the munchies bad. I had made a roast with potatoes earlier. Man I attacked that thing like a revenging pig! After a while of stuffing my face, I thought, What’s wrong with me? Am I turning into a man?!?

Then I started to feel sick. Like my hangover was hitting me early. I hit the hay after feeling a bit nauseous and I had a headache.

The next morning, my foot was killing me. So my hubby asked me to rub his back. You see? Because my foot was hurting and he was so concerned that he took my mind off my foot to massage him. Psychology works!

My two-year old son saw me touching his dad. He is very jealous of me. He doesn’t like anyone in my lap, hugging me, sitting next to me. Thank god I married Gus before I had Ryan, cause I would never get any action. All he is missing is tattoos and a wife beater.

So he climbs up on the bed where we are at and lunges his Playschool music box at my head causing a welt on my head.

Little b*&%#%## .

I can’t really call him that cause I know who is daddy is.

Yes, that boy got punished but damn it,  I am falling apart! I look like a unicorn with a limp. A retarded unicorn with my horn to the side of the head and not the center.

Seriously if all the unicorns were playing a game of baseball, I would be the last unicorn picked.  I would be known as Limpy the Sideunicorn. I would be the most un-coolest unicorn ever. But then I would open a Sideunicorn business where I would be the sideunircorn for crippled people.  So there!

So yeah, I am lucky to be alive.

SO what I have learned from all this is that I work better intoxicated.

And that cops are totally dumbasses.

Blasphemy In It’s Finest Sense

Well, it is November 15 and we officially have said goodbye to summer. The girls and I stood in the doorway in our house and waved goodbye to our imaginary Summer.

Laters Summer. It's been real!

 How did we do that? Did we dance around a fire chanting? Did we light candles and sing Kumbayas? No man! We turned on the heater to the house!

Geez, who do you think I am?

I saw a lot of movies this weekend! Yeah, my totally fave thing to do. It used to be getting wasted. But then, who would change the baby? Now I watch movies. And the question still remains. Who indeed will change the baby?

So anyways, (I am such a Valley girl!) I saw The Book of Eli and Legion. Obviously, I am behind the times. I am a Netflix fan so I must wait my 28 days!

I was told by my religiously employees that I will really wanna read the Bible after I saw the Book of Eli.

The Book of Eli was awesome.

My Kind of Holy.

I love violence. For that I am going to hell. It’s ok. I am aware.

However, did it make me wanna read the Bible? Funny, cause that’s what my hubby asked me immediately after watching it.

My answer, “Maybe not so much as read it.  It doesn’t have the Dan Brown and James Patterson feel I like. Maybe I could hold it. Like in my hands. But that’s it. I am good.”

Again, I know already. Will Burn in Hell. Hey maybe I can stand on the street and beg for money with a sign that say, “Going to Hell so Need Money Now!”

Legion was really cool.

It was like 300 but with Wings!

I totally was digging the hot angels in their armour. I mean whoa! That’s definitely how firemen should dress when they come rescue you.

I think the wing size for angels is the way it is for men and their need for a big “disco stick.” The bigger the better. Well, wouldn’t you want an angel that’s coming to save you to have 8 ft long wing span or a  2 ft? Yeah, that’s right 8ft!  2 ft could probably do the job. But do you really wanna risk it? Here is another way to look at it. Do you really wanna fly Coach or would you rather fly First Class?


Yes, I know. I know. Hell. I got it.

Sunday we took the kids to the circus. It was their first time. I have been before but who can remember these things. Am I right?  So I am sitting there and the thought rushed to my head. THESE ARE REAL LIVE CARNIE PEOPLE!

Gus said, “No they are just regular people.”

But I insisted. They are real life Carnie people! I mean I didn’t see anything out of the ordinary. No two headed bearded ladies. Then I went to buy snacks for the kids. Popcorn: $5, Bottle Water: $3, Cotton Candy: $4. Elephant Ride: $10. WTF! Does he do any tricks?! Pony Ride: $7. Again, WTF man! That pony better have wings. Freakin carnies! They are freaks!

Sincerely though, the shows were great. I had my video phone on hand in case anything went down. The tiger show was on and there was one really feisty tiger. Every time the trainer turned around, the tiger tried to swipe his head. I was like, “Here we go. When animals attack!” And I aimed my video phone. Nothing.

Later on, Gus and I were waiting for the kids to get their ride on the elephant. And he says, “Imagine the elephants go berserk and start running and stepping on people. Like animals attack.”

Tears came to my eyes. I remembered why I married this man.

“They definitely should put snipers in the ceiling in case these animals get a hair in their ass.”

And right there, this one elephant decided that nature was calling and right there was as good as time as any. It took a massive pee and shit.


And we got front row seats for that.

All in all, it was a great experience. The kids loved it. We all had fun and I got to see an elephant’s ding-dong!

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