In the room where I sleep … my thoughts overflow.

Archive for the ‘Random Thoughts’ Category

The Wind in My Sail

Sometimes there are things in life that make you extremely sad. That devastate you, that take the wind right out of you. It’s like to know the course of the ship and where it’s suppose to go, but all these waves and harsh weather make it feel like it’s impossible to get to the destination. In my case, I know I will get there but I will be badly damaged. There are things that just can’t be helped. The way a person feels, the way things used to be, and maybe the truth that you already know.

The inevitable.

I never been one to beat around the bush or linger in limbo but at this moment, that’s where it feels safer. I already know what’s going to happen. I don’t have to be psychic to see the damage that is lingering on the horizon. I feel it. I sense it. I know it. The way you see the sky darken and the clouds descend from the sky. The way you know that there is a storm coming.

There is a storm coming.

And I have no one to brace myself with. I am envious of  those around me that do. I am sick of seeing it. But like all things, you must swallow it and just move on. Cause that is all I have ever done. Move on.

There is no more time to review on what I could have done, or where I went wrong in the past. It doesn’t matter; and I’ll spend the rest of my life beating myself about it.

For now I will just have to figure a way to sail…

Sail without wind.

Reality Shows Stupid but Entertaining

There are some really dumb shows on TV.For some reason, my husband is really into the reality ones that come out on Discovery and A&E like Big Catch or Moonshiners.

Have you seen that Amish Mafia one? Freaking stupid!! I can’t believe people watch it!! It’s absolutely horrible that it is funny! If there is an ounce of truth in the show, these must the stupidest people ever. Yes, there are shows like Honey Boo Boo that are dumb as well. But that’s the purpose of those shows. So when you watch them, you can sigh a breath of relief that you are doing something right. Shows like the Amish Mafia are trying to be serious and act like they are so hardcore.

My husband over the years has really been into this one show called The Devil’s Ride.

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Its about a biker gang, The Laughing Devils,  and  their reign in San Diego. Up until recently they were the most popular and biggest gang there until an ex-member decided to start his own rival gang, Sinister Mob, with the same colors!! So now, both gangs can not co-exist. It just can’t be done.

devil-600-1391104674    Do they do illegal things? I haven’t watched enough to say yes. However, I saw last night’s episode and rival gang Sinister Mob went around beating the tar out of members of Laughing Devils. And they showed it. Happily.

  And I am just wondering, is this for real? Where is Hell’s Angels show? Would they be stupid to air all their activity on Discovery? I don’t know how real this show is. So far all the information verified that these are real bikers with a real gang. If that’s true, then why aren’t the San Diego police pounding on their doors?

  Another thing too, these bikers talk a lot of shit. A lot of the show is about them planning and planning and raising hell with words, puffing their chest out acting all bad ass. BUT THEN NOTHING HAPPENS!! Yesterday, there were actually fists raised but I think that was the first time I have seen that and not just talking about it. This show is an embarrassment to bikers every where I bet. It’s almost cringe worthy.

I watch another episode tonight.

Yes, I am still watching it. Everyone likes drama!! I am hoping someone cries!!

While You Were Examining What Beads Went With What Outfit I Was Sleuthing It On The Internet

First things first… I didn’t watch the Grammy’s.

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So I don’t know anything that happened last night. A great sleuth has to make their sacrifices. Well, that and Walking Dead was on.

Hello!! Priorities!!!!

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But I will get to the Grammy’s tonight after I watch my recorded episode of SNL. Justin Bieber was on people!!

I am sure everyone has heard of the manhunt in LA of the ex-cop who felt he was wrongly terminated from the police force and thus took revenge into his own hands. So ex-cop known as Christopher Dorner is accused of shooting three people. Dorner also made an online manifesto stating the corruption he faced in the police force puting the LAPD in a negative spotlight.

Does he look like LL Cool J to you??

Does he look like LL Cool J to you??

Dorner made a online manifesto (which you could read here ) went into detail about the type of misconduct he witnessed in the LAPD. He goes into detail and detail and you learn a lot about that guy. For instance in his ridicule of his superiors downgrading the president and the first lady he side notes, “Off the record, I love your new bangs, Mrs. Obama.

Thats nice of him!!

Then I guess in a way of saying goodbye he starts shout out thank you’s to everyone is has met and maybe not met:

I thank my friends for the awesome shared experiences. I thank the unnamed women I dated over my lifetime for the great and sometimes not so great sex. It’s kind of sad I won’t be around to view and enjoy The Hangover III. What an awesome trilogy. Todd Phillips, don’t make anymore Hangovers after the third, takes away the originality of its foundation. World War Z looks good and The Walking Dead season 3 (second half) looked intriguing. Damn, gonna miss shark week…. Hillary Clinton: You’ll make one hell of a president in 2016. Much like your husband, Bill, you will be one of the greatest. Look at Castro in San Antonio as a running mate or possible secretary of state. He’s (good people) and I have faith and confidence in him. Look after Bill. He was always my favorite President. Chelsea grew up to be one hell of an attractive woman. No disrespect to her husband.”

He gives Anderson Cooper and Pier Morgan some advice! He states how much he adores Ellen DeGeneres.

Tebow, I really wanted to see you take charge of an offense again and the game. You are not a good QB by todays standards, but you are a great football player who knows how to lead a team and WIN. You will be “Tebowing” when you reach your next team. I have faith in you. Get out of that circus they call the Jets and away from the reality TV star, Rex Ryan, and Mark Rapist Sanchez.

Then he lists a number of actress that he finds the most beautiful women in the world. Hey…. Maxim this is where next year’s list resides!

Dorner lists everyone gives them kudos and telling them how much he enjoys them.

He even says “Charlie Sheen, you’re effin awesome.

Awwww how nice. Fittingly Charlie Sheen has responded. In fact, he is the only one that has.  Sheen has recorded a video plea, sent to ABC News, asking the ex-Los Angeles police officer to call him so they can talk things out.

gty charlie sheen jef 130211 wblog Charlie Sheen Tells Fugitive Christopher Dorner Call MeDonna Ward/Getty Images

“Mr. Dorner, this is Charlie Sheen,” the actor said in the video. “You mentioned me in your manifesto, so thank you for your kind words. I am urging you to call me. Let’s figure out together how to end this thing.”

“Call me,” Sheen added. “I look forward to talking to you.”

Sheen, you are my hero. Seriously, you are the coolest man!!

Man the least the others could have done like Serena Williams, Jay-Z, or Jon Stewart could have done was shot the wanted man a thumbs up.

Charlie, all that coke has made you a man after my own heart!

And finally I was thinking who make a good pope since Pope Benedict gave his resignation.

Here is my top five:

1). Gary Busey: Imagine the crazy adventures. I’ll definitely start going to church.

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2) Pope Keith Richards has a nice ring to it

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3) Blake Shelton: The Vatican has use some Honky Tonky if you know what I am saying.

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4)Denzel Washington… this is for mother!

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5) The Rock: Le Sigh

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This Just In:Moving Sucks

So for the past week I have been moving. I have never been more tired in life. Except after child-birth… and all those times I woke up every two hours to feed my baby… and all those times I just was like fuck sleep because I was too paranoid watching my baby sleep making sure they were breathing… and every day after that.

So no, I have been this tired. I take that back.

I have come to reason that I hate moving… hate it!

If you have never moved, then don’t. Ever!

They need to invent this machine that can carefully pick up your house and put it in different areas that you need it too.  I know that’s what you do with mobile homes… but fuck that I am talking about a house!!

Where is that invention??

I get that Apple has to make a new iPhone, a better iPad, a smaller iMac every year. I totally get it being an Apple fan myself. However, I think it would  suit us all well if they took a year break and worked on figuring out teleportation or beaming up houses and moving them to where ever you dial in.

That way, I am trying my hardest not kill people or family members.

I also think a whole year will be enough time for me to catch up to where ever Apple is at with the iPhones iPads and iMacs.

So Apple… more of this:

And less of this:

More of this:

And less of this:

More of this:

And less of this:

I am sure you get what I am going with this.

WTF Wednesday- A Lesson in Teabagging

Have you heard this news story?

A video went viral on the Internet appeared to show someone in a University of Alabama jacket exposing his package  and tea bagged an unconscious man at a restaurant after the Crimson Tide beat LSU for the BCS football championship on Jan. 9.

Go search for it… I am at work so I can’t.

You know when you are drinking your favorite Earl Grey hot tea and you lift the tea bag in and out of the liquid …

that is not tea bagging.

Ha! (Hmmm… now I want tea…)

I knew that!

Great knowledge I will one day bestow on my kids.

No, tea bagging is when you are a dude and you place your balls on someone. And rub. Some also attempt to put the package in an unconscious or sleeping victim’s mouth.

Ewww I know… dudes are so gross. New hobbies gentlemen!! New hobbies!!

That Alabama fan was facing sexual battery charges but agreed to a lesser sentence of two years in prison.

Yikes!!

The LSU tea bagging victim has sued the guy, asking damages for “mental anguish, humiliation, embarrassment, anxiety and depression … damage to reputation” and lost tuition payments “for having to withdraw from school.”

Ok. I would totally prefer not to be tea bagged but I bet it’s not the end of the world. Clearly not mental distress. Just take a fucking shower.  And maybe a chemical peel….

In the end the tea bagger fucked himself. Why? Sure he shouldn’t have tea bagged someone but in reality the internet fucked him over. If you are going to do something criminal, don’t video tape it!!!

Retards!!

But back to the victim… do you honestly think you are the only victim of tea bagging ever?

There are male fraternities every where! I bet there is an orgy of tea bagging going on!!

I myself have been involved in tea bagging. And it was hilarious!!! Well not me per se. I lack the necessary equipment.

My best friend was drunk. And we were annoyed because he was falling everywhere. Finally, he collapsed at a field in a park. We were yelling at him for him to get his ass up but he was already in that stupid drunk faze.

His cousin mentioned that he should tea bag him. At this point, we were like yea do it. And he did, and it was hilarious!! It was either that or draw a gigantic dick and balls on his face.

Yea… my friend was a little peeved at me for a while… but it was pretty funny. Ahhh, good times.

And I feel it taught him a lesson.  He never got that wasted again.  And what 10 years later… he is very well-adjusted. He hasn’t killed anyone… yet.

So gentlemen… stick to the actual lifting of an actual tea bag. No one wants your junk on their face. And if you must, please make sure you have washed thoroughly! Last thing we need is a tea bagging disease to end the world.

And please, no photography!!

AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU JUPITER?!?! AM I NOT!?!?!

Last year around this time I posted this POST.

Go ahead and read it and marvel at my hilarity and incompetence of  spell check.

……….

In exactly, one month and two days I will be…. 28.
So that means I didn’t die. I apparently am not good enough for the The 27 club.

I didn’t die!

I repeat … I didn’t die!

And I must tell you… I am really disappointed! I am not a celebrity of any kind you guys?!?! My 274 blog followers apparently mean nothing to Jupiter! I know Lindsey Lohan doesn’t have that many! Even if she does… it is only because we are all waiting for her to kick the bucket. She better not do it when she is 27 or I will riot the streets of Beverly Hills!!

True, I did find the most unflattering pic of her.
I can totally open my mouth wider than that!

What do I have to do? What do I gotta do to be recognized?

Do I gotta make  a sex tape? I think the dim lighting would do wonders for my skin.

Do I have to get drunk in public and fall over the place…. possibly squat on the side of the road and take a piss? I have mastered the squat.

Do I gotta flash the lady tiddy-bits? I’ll show you all right now!!!

What?!?! What?!? What must I do?

My plan was never to see 28… alive! And now it’s staring me in the face like a demon monkey.

And now I am starting to feel the effects of the age….

My hip makes popping nose.

I ache to go to bed at 8:00 p.m.

I suddenly have an interest on pooping on regular basis thus all the fiber vitamins!

I read the newspaper… gasp!!

I was driving at speeds of 30 on a 65 mile highway!

I called someone a whippersnapper.

The latest offense … I told my kids back in my day …. blah blah … I tuned my self out too so I have no idea what I said.

If I find a white pube…. I will lose my shit. Literally …. I am wearing Depends as we speak. You know how those bowel movements come and go.

True …. I have 32 days for something to happen but I need a Plan B.

No not the emergency birth control pill… I mean I need an alternate idea.

I think its time to embrace … gulp… this getting older thing. I might make an excellent cougar!

I still have the whole die in the woods of Montana fighting a bear if I make it to 35 years old thing to look forward too. So there’s that.

Or I could work on being a Stacy’s Mom Got it Going On thing.

Or shoot for becoming Stifler’s mom…. just less chipmunk cheeks.

So if nothing kills me within the next thirty days … well old age here we come. I will just start my mid-life crisis now.

Friday Nonesense of Wasting Your Time: You’re Welcome!

Inspired by Irene’s post yesterday, I too will take the challenge. I too will give you useless drivel about me. Not only will it have no affect on your sleep, but you will continue on with your day as if nothing happened.

How is that not a deal?!?!?

Nothing for nothing!!

So, the rules of this “tag-you’re-it” are:

1. Post the rules. Check!!

2. Post 11 facts about yourself. Awesome! I love talking about myself… that’s why I have a blog!

3. Answer the questions the tagger has put in their post and come up with 11 of your own for those who you tag. I’m not tagging shit people! This is effort-free Friday.

4. Tag 11 people and put them in your post. How about no and say I did?

5. Let them know you’ve tagged them. Sighhhhhhhh

So awesome things about me so you will like me are:

1. I am obsessed with food. It’s a wonder why I am not 437lbs!!

2. I love my kids more than anything in the world… but my iPhone is a close second.

3. I have been attacked by one dog in my life. A fucking Cocker Spaniel! Seriously!!

4. I love babies. That’s probably why I had so many kids. So if you don’t want yours, I will gladly take your baby!

5. I am trying real hard to become an alcoholic. I keep forgetting to drink! And believe me, I have reason in the world to be the President of AAA!

6. I like to make CD’s for people of music I like. Except no one likes my music and I don’t  know anyone who would like me to make a CD for them. I used to make mixed tapes all the time.

7. I have an obsession with planes. I could watch them land and take off all day.

8. I am gonna have a mental breakdown when I turn 28 in two months. Just a warning if I make no sense in the next month or so.

9. I don’t understand why everyone loves Beyonce. I just don’t see it. She isn’t that wonderful. She even dances weird. Please see this video if you don’t know what I am talking about.

10. I am totally a yes lady. I say yes to everything. I am like down for anything. For instance, when I was 16 I was at drivers ed class. Nearby was a huge hill of concrete. I was dared to get in a shopping cart and go down the hill. I did it…and I totally did not die!

11. I have no shame and I don’t embarrass easy. I totally don’t mind me being the but of a joke.

Now to the questions that Irene so thoughtfully prepared.

  • What’s your favorite meal? Anything that involves crab legs. I got a thirst for buckets of crab!
  • What would you do for a Klondike Bar? Throw in a Snickers bar and it will be like what will it take Marina to stop!!!
  • What’s in YOUR wallet? receipts that are not important, my ID for buying fictional alcohol, and my debit card. Pretty lame…
  • Who’s your secret crush (be careful, it won’t be a secret if you answer)? My secret crush Kim Kardashian. In my next life I am coming back as Kanye West!
  • What car do you drive (do you really think I was going to do something like this without mentioning or making a reference to an automobile?)? I drive a Chevy Tahoe. What I really wanna drive is a 2012 Camaro or 1984 Chevy lifted truck with a short bed. Oh god, I may have just orgasm-ed envisioning this.
  • What is your favorite vacation destination? Anywhere at this point… even my bed is sounding fucking nice right now!
  • Who’s yo daddy? Well, I am not sure what you mean. My biological daddy? My sugar daddy? My pimp daddy?  My biological daddy is a guy named Eduardo Rodriguez. My sugar daddy & pimp daddy is Gus Sanchez.
  • Do you believe this planet will implode on December 22 of this year? I fucking hope so. I need some chaos in my life. Plus I want to put my survival skills that I learned from Bear into use.
  • What’s your zodiac sign? Virgo… I am a virgin.
  • Will Justin Bieber ever go away? I hope not. Big Fan!! Baby baby baby ….
  • Will Michele Duggar have more babies? Yes then they should do a documentary on what she looks like down there so everyone can know. Lets wear out that dirty laundry.

My turn!!!

  • Do any of you people know where I can find a distant relative that is dying and looking to give his money to someone?
  • What do I do if I got an itch down there and I am in the middle of a public area with no place to hide?
  • How bad will a Brazilian wax be?
  • I feel like making another crazy video. What should I do? My version of dubbsteping? Any suggestions?
  • Is Nancy Kerrigan still pist about the whole breaking her leg? She should let that go.
  • How can I get my husband to massage my back more? Is there a way I can train him to do every time I ring a bell?
  • Is there a way to get people to like you? I open to beating people down.
  • Does anyone else think Tom Cruise’s daughter look kinda alien-ish? Whoa maybe I should not ask that and maybe you shouldn’t answer. You know, for safety reasons.
  • Do you believe in Aliens? I totally want to believe in them. I believe in zombies. So why not?
  • Do you have a zombie apocalypse plan? I do… its become redneck. They survive everything.

  • Which celeb do you hate??

There ya go.

God damn… I wrote a book.

You’re welcome!

HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF

This list was not created by… sadly… but I discovered it… so that means something right.

HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF

  1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
  2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors.”
  3. Specify that your drive-through order is “TO-GO.”
  4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
  5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
  6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
  7. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what you think.”
  8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
  9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc” them to your boss.
  10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
  11. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”
  12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
  13. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.
  14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
  15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
  16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
  17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
  18. Honk and wave to strangers.
  19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
  20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
  21. type only in lowercase.
  22. dont use any punctuation either
  23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
  24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
    “DO YOU HEAR THAT?”
    “What?”
    “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
  25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
  26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “No, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.
  27. Ask people what gender they are.
  28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
  29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
  30. Sing along at the opera.
  31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
  32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”

 

I really wanna do some of these. Like really….

My Multiple Personalities.

Uhhhhhh who invented Mondays??? Was it Hoover, Roosevelt??

Who made rainy cold Mondays??

Satan??

Figures….

So this weekend I finally divulged myself in one my favorite shows, United States of Tara.

I know I have blogged about this show before but in case you still have no idea what I am talking about… I will refresh your memory.

Prepare to be enlightened.

It’s a show about a mother, wife, and also a crazy lady. She suffers from dissociative identity disorder.  Her personalities are so different from each other and all very crazy but they all protect her from her self and the pain people have inflicted on her. Whenever she is stressed, she transitions into one of her alternate personalities: wild and flirty teenager T; 1950s housewife Alice; and male, loud, beer-drinking  Vietnam vet Buck. A fourth personality,  Gimmie, is introduced later in the first season. During the second season of the series, two further personalities were introduced. The former, called Shoshanna, is Tara’s “therapist” of sorts, while the sixth personality’s name is Chicken, an infantile representation of Tara when she was 5 years old. Another personality emerges in Season 3; that of Tara’s previously unknown half-brother Bryce.

It’s a comedy drama.

I love it.

And it makes me wonder, if I had a multiple personalities what would they be like, what would I call them.

After much thought, I decided I would definitely have an artistic side. I would have a personality that could draw… cause I can’t draw worth crap.

 I would name her Serenity. She would take LSD, would be a hippie, and would go into random trances.

Another personality would probably be a stripper/porn star.

Her name would be Princess Cuernavaca. Yes that was my first dog’s name and the street I live on as a kid.

She would be the sexual defiant that I know not of.

Then there would be Edna… she would be the old grandma. She is a gypsy and follows the stars and plays tarot cards.

She scares me and speaks of Poland like she has been there.

Then there would Leo.

He would be Italian because I know I can do an Italian accent better than a hillbilly accent.

He would be gay.  And have impeccable fashion tastes, could cook like a professional chef, and love tanning.

Thats all I could come up with.

I totally am going to see if I can at least muster up one these character… preferably Serenity.

I like her already in my head.

I yearn for… for …. for zombies….

During these wonderful holidays  family visited often and I was able to trick some of my family members.

One family member reported that they ran across an article online of a case involving rabies somewhere in the south. It was the first rabies account on a  human in many years. I have no idea why the hell she told us girls that. Maybe to fill the awkward silences of conversations, I don’t know. I mean you only can only complain about men for so long

So I turned around all stone faced and told my sister-in-law and her sister that this was indeed serious.

I said, “Every one knows that if the rabies virus isn’t taken care of, humans can become zombies. Flesh eating monsters are no joke!”

I expected to get a laugh outta that… cause I am such a jokester.

Alas, their mouths hung open and they stared at me. After awhile, they started to reason that it was true!!!

One said,” Well yea that’s true. Dogs wanna attack and eat human flesh. (HUH??) They foam at the mouth, their eyes turn red (What??? Zombies not vampires!!), and they are extremely angry!”

Angry?

I wouldn’t call a zombie angry. I would a call a zombie more carnivorous, leaning toward ‘I am so hungry, I can eat a horse’ hungry!

Actually more like a pregnant woman as soon as she wakes up. If she doesn’t eat in the next five minutes, the mother fucking house is gonna burn down!!

You know what I am talking about. There were times I remember I was so hungry and when the anger was rising up, I swear I spit fire!

Zombies are not pist off. They don’t have daddy issues;  their jobs don’t suck because there is no corporate ladder to climb as a zombie. They are dead!!! Oh excuse me…. they are the undead. Dead but not quite. Like 50/50.

Animals that have rabies aren’t dead!! They aren’t the undead coming back to life. Its an infection in the brain!! And the end result is that rabies kill!

 Fatality!!!

I watch these girls continue the conversation without me talking about how becoming a zombie is so possible now.

 What the fuck!! I mean… normally I would  jump on any bandwagon that included zombies especially if it meant it was now more than ever of great importance to use my entire credit card to purchase the badass 1911 pistol.

 Fuck the credit card because we are all gonna die anyway.

 However, even I know (sadly) that zombies don’t exist. And rabies are not the starting point.

Or is it….

No no it’s just not possible. It has to be man-made! Fuck!! We can’t even cure zits how the hell we gonna make a zombie virus!!!

I mentioned this whole conversation later to the hubs. He couldn’t believe that I actually said someone needed to create this zombie virus. He asked if I was some kind of monster or something.  Zombie? No! Monster? Maybe.

Sigh….

A zombie apocalypse is just what we need. It would certain liven 2012 up. How many of us would be forced on a exercise plan in order to flee from zombie. America would no longer be the fat country of the world!

 Just imagine eating flesh, brain eating, moaning, dancing the Thriller dance….

I need something til Walking Dead comes back on.

 

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