In the room where I sleep … my thoughts overflow.

Posts tagged ‘It’s Funny When Men Cry’

Alas, For I Am Without Pranks Today

I’m sad.

I have nothing to trick you with today! I’m without jokes today on this blessed day! Blast!

And I am terrified to read anything today because I am so guilable!

I ran through a possible list of things I could have pranked with …

I could tell you I am pregnant but that would be really just scaring myself. I thought I could tell you I was dying from a terminal illness but I actually haven’t had a physical since… I don’t think I have had one. So who knows, that may be true!  I also thought of telling you that Lindsey Lohan has turned to Jesus. But I think Jesus would be highly insulted further damning my soul to hell.

I am to lazy to plan anything. I have so many things I wanna do but laziness gets the better of me sometimes. So if it wasn’t for the laziness you would either be mad or laughing so hard right now. I am sure I would have dreamt up something epic. But again, too lazy.

So be weary today.

I am.

I carefully scanned my chair and desk before I sat down. I made others taste my coffee before I did.  You just never know. If someone scares you enough to cause a heart attack, remember they can and will get off because scaring someone to death is strictly only allowed today.

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So Optimistic I Wanna Kill Someone

Oh God… it’s Monday.

Even though I don’t want to be “here” I am still giving it my all. I am still a good mood. I am not taking out my internal anger on how the weekend flew by so fast on anyone here.

So here  I am happy and working at the office.

Then shit just got real!

Shit hit the fan.

And now I am royally pist that I wanna take my stapler and beat some people over the head with it.

I notice that one of the vendors is bringing in some donuts.

Preferably, I don’t care for sweets. I just don’t. If you made me choose between a steak and cake I will always pick the steak. Every time. We, in the office, see the vendor walking in and all I say is, “Man I wish he had brought some breakfast tacos. My stomach can’t handle sugar this morning.”

As soon as the vendor walks in I greet him and my co-worker throws me under the bus saying, “Tell him what you said.”

I was like what the fuck are you doing…

He goes and ahead and says that I said the old vendor used to bring in breakfast tacos.

Mother fucker!!

Are you kidding me? Are we in high school???

Then the ass hole co-worker tells me that now the vendor will bring breakfast tacos like if it was some sort of little plan he and I were in on!!

I did not say that. I didn’t even imply anything rude or mean. I didn’t even say it in a bitchy tone. If you know me, you will know that there isn’t any bitchiness in me.

Then the vendor goes and tells my boss. Oh they laugh it off like its a big joke.

I should never have opened my stupid mouth. I have no idea what is holding me back from spearing my co-worker in the eye with my purple BIC round stic Grip pen.

Then my boss asks me where a certain file it. I ask him what year it was done in. It was last year so I point him in the direction of  the 2011 files. Well he can’t find it so I get up and look for it. Then he gets exasperated and takes it upon himself to label all MY shit.

I spend the whole morning trying to find the damn folder come to find out that it wasn’t done last year but in 2010. It was his project you think he would know that. He has been here long enough, you would think he would know the system that THEY created and I just follow.

Then he feels like I am too messy and must label everything on my desk so he can find stuff. Nothing on my desk belongs to him!! I have nothing for him. The project folder was in the correct place according to year.

This is all just part of their plan to own me business-ly speaking… if that makes sense.

And I refuse. I refuse to be their little woman, their pet, their anything. I just work here and that’s all I wanna do. They seem to forget that I am the only women here and that my emotions can and will run wild. And if I ever was to murder them I would do it while I was on period. Women have got off for murder because they have pleaded temporary insanity.

We all can agree that we don’t need the only female in the office to go postal. God forbid, THOSE guys would have to actually do some work!!

So here I am clenching my fists, grinding my teeth trying to stay away from anything sharp.

Just breathe, smile…. its not everyone’s fault that you are surrounded by dumb asses.

Breathe….. smile….. breathe…..

Thursday Movie Review- Something to tickle the funny bone!!

I had no idea what I should watch for Thursday’s Movie Review. There are so many movies I wanna check out but I was wondering what would be blog-worthy.

After searching and searching I threw my hands in the air and said, “Its my time I wanna watch what I wanna watch.”

I have been really wanting to watch this movie and now that it’s on Netflix. I was ecstatic.

Presenting….. I Love You Phillip Morris.

 

It is an unusual comedy starring Jim Carey and Ewan McGregor. It’s about a charismatic conman’s journey from small-town businessman to flamboyant white-collar criminal, who repeatedly finds himself in trouble with the law and all the  brilliantly escaping from the Texas prison system on four separate occasions – all in the name of love.

Yes love!

Steven Russell played by Jim Carey starts off with a regularly ole life. He is married to a loving Christian wife, is involved in his church, a great job in the police force, and a daughter. Just one thing; He is a gay. And he is hiding it from everyone.

After a near death experience in a car accident, he realizes that he is tired of living a lie. He wants to be who he truly is. GAY!

He begins to live life to the fullest, but soon realizes that being gay is kinda expensive.  He begins to commit fraud in order to live extravagantly for his then boy friend and himself.

However it all catches up to him and he is thrown in jail. And there is where he meets the love of his life, the kind-hearted, soft-spoken Phillip Morris played by Ewan McGregor.

His devotion to freeing Phillip from jail and building the perfect life together prompts him to attempt (and often succeed at) one impossible con after another.

Told with an uncanny sense of humor and a lot of heart, “I Love You Phillip Morris” is an oddball tale.

And you know what?

                                I loved it!!

It was hilarious. Emotional when it was supposed to be, and you end up rooting for the bad guy.

I am glad though that I did not wait to see this with my husband. He could not have handled the sex scenes that you don’t really see and all the touching and kissing.

It is a little crazy that two straight guys played the part of two gay guys (they are straight right?) but I think that’s what sells the movie the most. Why? Because Jim and Ewan did a great job. It was not over done. It wasn’t over the top. It was love … in a corky comedic kinda way. It’s totally believable!!

Their acting skills were superb!!!

And Ewan is hot even playing a gay guy!!

One of my favorite parts was when Russell was conning a company that he worked for. He got invited to go golfing. As he is preparing to leave to go golfing with his boss and other executives, Phillip catches him leaving with the bag of gold clubs.

Phillip says, “I’m trying to be understanding, Honey, I really am, but …. golf? Why don’t you just eat pussy?”

OMG I lost egg rolls!! I love the boldness in this movie. Oh Ewan you got a dirty mouth!

I Love You Phillip Morris pushed boundaries and was consistently funny.

And you know what makes this whole even better??

It’s absolutely one hundred percent true!!!

Steven Jay Russell is a con artist and imposter known for escaping prison many many times.

Not only did they make a movie about this guy, but also last year, his crimes were featured in the TV show I Almost Got Away with It in the episode “Got a Boyfriend to Support.”

Ask yourself, would your loved one impersonate a lawyer, a FBI agent, and feign a heart attack all in the name of love?

Yeah mine wouldn’t either. LOL.

So in the end …

TWO THUMBS UP!!!

 
So if you have any suggestions, wanna see a movie but are too chicken, or whatever, let me know…. I currently am at a blank.
Taking your suggestions…….now!!

 

Musical Revolution- Depressing Ass Songs That Make Me Wanna Kill Myself

It’s Friday and there is reason to celebrate!

The weekend!!

But not so fast, because its not 5pm yet!

So til then, we still gotta deal with real life and tough situation. Along with that is depressing ass music that makes you wanna off yourself.

Lets Get Started!!!!

Every time I hear this song, I seriously wanna jump into a lake in the Great Lakes. Its that depressing!

Walk With You-Edwin McCain

I heard this song… and I was like what?!?! Is it too late to return my kids?!?!

Truth is this was sister and dad’s song at this wedding. I still can’t listen to it in its entirety.

Fuckin song.

The next song is what I think would play when you finally have entered the mental institution cause you finally have lost your shit.

Mad World-Gary Jules

*Stop staring at the knives Marina!*

The next one I think we all might relate to!

It not only makes me depress but angry. I wanna find this guy that hurt the singer and rough him up!

Bastard!

You think you are happy but you are not!!

Someone Like You-Adele

The next one…. geez when I hear it I break down crying. I could be having a perfect day… then this song just send me to looney ville.

Breathe me-Sia

And finally, if you weren’t clutching to life already, here is another pincher that kills me… everytime!

Nothing Compares to You-Sinead O Connor

Ohhhhh god why?!?!?!

I needed a good cry… just not here at work.

Hold me …. someone.

Well, at least I am ready for a nice cold beer.

Revisiting the Smart Car…. That Still Sucks.

Over the weekend I ran to the store and as I was walking in I saw parked up front a smart car.

Awwwwwww am I right??

However, I got angry! My Tahoe could have used that space!!! Notice how the smart car is this tiny thing in this space!!! You could fit five Smart cars in there!!! Why don’t we do that for now on?!?! Lets just cram five of them in one space.  I like that idea!!

Yeah let’s do it!!

I don’t know if you remember but I wrote a blog many moons ago about the Smart Car and basically how they sucked. At the time, I was just being stupid and sarcastic. However a lot of people gave me grief about my blog in turn making me actually hate the Smart Car and their “supposed” purpose.

My theory is its a conspiracy by the government for control on the growing population. Convince the masses that it’s a cool unique smart car, have them by it, then BOOM! a 18 wheeler comes crashing into you leaving nothing but broken glass everywhere.

Touche government, touche.

Feel free to read up ….. What\’s the Deal-Smart Car

I love the Smart Car’s slogan. It’s so uncar or open your mind to the car that challenges the status quo.

Here is the so-called benefit to the Smart Car: Over 96 million Americans drive to work alone each day. That means there are about 288,675,000 empty seats commuting to and from work. Astonishing. That’s why we got rid of the backseat entirely.

I am sorry but that is stupid. If that is the case… then the whole of this car is for lonely fucks!! Fucks that don’t have kids or a lover!!! If  a guy got rolled up in a Smart Car…. jaaaaaaaaaaaaaa,  I can just imagine what the “real package” looks like.

I’ll be like…  I didn’t order a smart car! I ordered a bull dozer baby!!

People who drive these cars probably sing… Eric Carmen’s All By Myself!!

Yeah yeah I said!

Also, what the fuck is this!?!

“Look son, this is what you will inherit.”

“Gee Dad doesn’t look much bigger then the car I drive now.”

“I know what it looks like but it will save you a lot of gas and it will keep you very unlaid.”

“Awww really dad!! That’s what I always wanted…. a non pimp-mobile! I wanna stay a virgin forever. “

“Well here it is. I just gotta make sure no one sneezes on it til you turn 16!”

Damnit!!

Well at least, you got the extended warranty.

Why is it called Smart Car anyways?

Is it just because it saves on gas? Is it because you not only bought a car but also a coffin and burial plot in one??

I am sorry but that ain’t very smart.

You know what is smart though??

A car that would prevent you from crashing. Yeah, that would be smart!

You know what would be smart… if there was a radar that would alert you when you got to close to another car. That would be smart!!

And lets say you ignored the alert, then a brake assist system would kick in and apply the brakes, bringing the car to a stop, if needed. Yes! That would be fucking intelligent!!

Too bad we don’t have this technology!

Wait!!!

We do!!

Mercedes has it! And yes Mercedes is actually a real life car!!!

Now shouldn’t that be called a Smart Car?

Just because Justin Bieber now wears glasses doesn’t make him smart…. so we wouldn’t call him that  unless he was actually fucking smart, right??

I get the angle of the Smart Car but it doesn’t make sense!! I say this as I hit my head with my fists!

All these yuppie loving Smart Car drivers need to find an island and not shower together!!

(dropped the mic and walked away George Jefferson style)

Wordless Wednesday- Shhhh just tweet!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wordless Wednesday – When there is nothing else….

This is why its great to be a Latina.

Seriously I do these moves as much as I wash the dishes.  This move is passed down from generation to generation.

Hey, some of you pass down you Chilli recipe, your gold watch.. we pass down the seduction of love!!

And right after that …. we fucking slay everyone in the damn room!!

Hey vampires are way cooler then zombies.  Zombies aren’t as graceful and that’s a fact.

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