In the room where I sleep … my thoughts overflow.

Posts tagged ‘It’s Funny When Men Cry’

Alas, For I Am Without Pranks Today

I’m sad.

I have nothing to trick you with today! I’m without jokes today on this blessed day! Blast!

And I am terrified to read anything today because I am so guilable!

I ran through a possible list of things I could have pranked with …

I could tell you I am pregnant but that would be really just scaring myself. I thought I could tell you I was dying from a terminal illness but I actually haven’t had a physical since… I don’t think I have had one. So who knows, that may be true!  I also thought of telling you that Lindsey Lohan has turned to Jesus. But I think Jesus would be highly insulted further damning my soul to hell.

I am to lazy to plan anything. I have so many things I wanna do but laziness gets the better of me sometimes. So if it wasn’t for the laziness you would either be mad or laughing so hard right now. I am sure I would have dreamt up something epic. But again, too lazy.

So be weary today.

I am.

I carefully scanned my chair and desk before I sat down. I made others taste my coffee before I did.  You just never know. If someone scares you enough to cause a heart attack, remember they can and will get off because scaring someone to death is strictly only allowed today.

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So Optimistic I Wanna Kill Someone

Oh God… it’s Monday.

Even though I don’t want to be “here” I am still giving it my all. I am still a good mood. I am not taking out my internal anger on how the weekend flew by so fast on anyone here.

So here  I am happy and working at the office.

Then shit just got real!

Shit hit the fan.

And now I am royally pist that I wanna take my stapler and beat some people over the head with it.

I notice that one of the vendors is bringing in some donuts.

Preferably, I don’t care for sweets. I just don’t. If you made me choose between a steak and cake I will always pick the steak. Every time. We, in the office, see the vendor walking in and all I say is, “Man I wish he had brought some breakfast tacos. My stomach can’t handle sugar this morning.”

As soon as the vendor walks in I greet him and my co-worker throws me under the bus saying, “Tell him what you said.”

I was like what the fuck are you doing…

He goes and ahead and says that I said the old vendor used to bring in breakfast tacos.

Mother fucker!!

Are you kidding me? Are we in high school???

Then the ass hole co-worker tells me that now the vendor will bring breakfast tacos like if it was some sort of little plan he and I were in on!!

I did not say that. I didn’t even imply anything rude or mean. I didn’t even say it in a bitchy tone. If you know me, you will know that there isn’t any bitchiness in me.

Then the vendor goes and tells my boss. Oh they laugh it off like its a big joke.

I should never have opened my stupid mouth. I have no idea what is holding me back from spearing my co-worker in the eye with my purple BIC round stic Grip pen.

Then my boss asks me where a certain file it. I ask him what year it was done in. It was last year so I point him in the direction of  the 2011 files. Well he can’t find it so I get up and look for it. Then he gets exasperated and takes it upon himself to label all MY shit.

I spend the whole morning trying to find the damn folder come to find out that it wasn’t done last year but in 2010. It was his project you think he would know that. He has been here long enough, you would think he would know the system that THEY created and I just follow.

Then he feels like I am too messy and must label everything on my desk so he can find stuff. Nothing on my desk belongs to him!! I have nothing for him. The project folder was in the correct place according to year.

This is all just part of their plan to own me business-ly speaking… if that makes sense.

And I refuse. I refuse to be their little woman, their pet, their anything. I just work here and that’s all I wanna do. They seem to forget that I am the only women here and that my emotions can and will run wild. And if I ever was to murder them I would do it while I was on period. Women have got off for murder because they have pleaded temporary insanity.

We all can agree that we don’t need the only female in the office to go postal. God forbid, THOSE guys would have to actually do some work!!

So here I am clenching my fists, grinding my teeth trying to stay away from anything sharp.

Just breathe, smile…. its not everyone’s fault that you are surrounded by dumb asses.

Breathe….. smile….. breathe…..

Thursday Movie Review- Something to tickle the funny bone!!

I had no idea what I should watch for Thursday’s Movie Review. There are so many movies I wanna check out but I was wondering what would be blog-worthy.

After searching and searching I threw my hands in the air and said, “Its my time I wanna watch what I wanna watch.”

I have been really wanting to watch this movie and now that it’s on Netflix. I was ecstatic.

Presenting….. I Love You Phillip Morris.

 

It is an unusual comedy starring Jim Carey and Ewan McGregor. It’s about a charismatic conman’s journey from small-town businessman to flamboyant white-collar criminal, who repeatedly finds himself in trouble with the law and all the  brilliantly escaping from the Texas prison system on four separate occasions – all in the name of love.

Yes love!

Steven Russell played by Jim Carey starts off with a regularly ole life. He is married to a loving Christian wife, is involved in his church, a great job in the police force, and a daughter. Just one thing; He is a gay. And he is hiding it from everyone.

After a near death experience in a car accident, he realizes that he is tired of living a lie. He wants to be who he truly is. GAY!

He begins to live life to the fullest, but soon realizes that being gay is kinda expensive.  He begins to commit fraud in order to live extravagantly for his then boy friend and himself.

However it all catches up to him and he is thrown in jail. And there is where he meets the love of his life, the kind-hearted, soft-spoken Phillip Morris played by Ewan McGregor.

His devotion to freeing Phillip from jail and building the perfect life together prompts him to attempt (and often succeed at) one impossible con after another.

Told with an uncanny sense of humor and a lot of heart, “I Love You Phillip Morris” is an oddball tale.

And you know what?

                                I loved it!!

It was hilarious. Emotional when it was supposed to be, and you end up rooting for the bad guy.

I am glad though that I did not wait to see this with my husband. He could not have handled the sex scenes that you don’t really see and all the touching and kissing.

It is a little crazy that two straight guys played the part of two gay guys (they are straight right?) but I think that’s what sells the movie the most. Why? Because Jim and Ewan did a great job. It was not over done. It wasn’t over the top. It was love … in a corky comedic kinda way. It’s totally believable!!

Their acting skills were superb!!!

And Ewan is hot even playing a gay guy!!

One of my favorite parts was when Russell was conning a company that he worked for. He got invited to go golfing. As he is preparing to leave to go golfing with his boss and other executives, Phillip catches him leaving with the bag of gold clubs.

Phillip says, “I’m trying to be understanding, Honey, I really am, but …. golf? Why don’t you just eat pussy?”

OMG I lost egg rolls!! I love the boldness in this movie. Oh Ewan you got a dirty mouth!

I Love You Phillip Morris pushed boundaries and was consistently funny.

And you know what makes this whole even better??

It’s absolutely one hundred percent true!!!

Steven Jay Russell is a con artist and imposter known for escaping prison many many times.

Not only did they make a movie about this guy, but also last year, his crimes were featured in the TV show I Almost Got Away with It in the episode “Got a Boyfriend to Support.”

Ask yourself, would your loved one impersonate a lawyer, a FBI agent, and feign a heart attack all in the name of love?

Yeah mine wouldn’t either. LOL.

So in the end …

TWO THUMBS UP!!!

 
So if you have any suggestions, wanna see a movie but are too chicken, or whatever, let me know…. I currently am at a blank.
Taking your suggestions…….now!!

 

Musical Revolution- Depressing Ass Songs That Make Me Wanna Kill Myself

It’s Friday and there is reason to celebrate!

The weekend!!

But not so fast, because its not 5pm yet!

So til then, we still gotta deal with real life and tough situation. Along with that is depressing ass music that makes you wanna off yourself.

Lets Get Started!!!!

Every time I hear this song, I seriously wanna jump into a lake in the Great Lakes. Its that depressing!

Walk With You-Edwin McCain

I heard this song… and I was like what?!?! Is it too late to return my kids?!?!

Truth is this was sister and dad’s song at this wedding. I still can’t listen to it in its entirety.

Fuckin song.

The next song is what I think would play when you finally have entered the mental institution cause you finally have lost your shit.

Mad World-Gary Jules

*Stop staring at the knives Marina!*

The next one I think we all might relate to!

It not only makes me depress but angry. I wanna find this guy that hurt the singer and rough him up!

Bastard!

You think you are happy but you are not!!

Someone Like You-Adele

The next one…. geez when I hear it I break down crying. I could be having a perfect day… then this song just send me to looney ville.

Breathe me-Sia

And finally, if you weren’t clutching to life already, here is another pincher that kills me… everytime!

Nothing Compares to You-Sinead O Connor

Ohhhhh god why?!?!?!

I needed a good cry… just not here at work.

Hold me …. someone.

Well, at least I am ready for a nice cold beer.

Revisiting the Smart Car…. That Still Sucks.

Over the weekend I ran to the store and as I was walking in I saw parked up front a smart car.

Awwwwwww am I right??

However, I got angry! My Tahoe could have used that space!!! Notice how the smart car is this tiny thing in this space!!! You could fit five Smart cars in there!!! Why don’t we do that for now on?!?! Lets just cram five of them in one space.  I like that idea!!

Yeah let’s do it!!

I don’t know if you remember but I wrote a blog many moons ago about the Smart Car and basically how they sucked. At the time, I was just being stupid and sarcastic. However a lot of people gave me grief about my blog in turn making me actually hate the Smart Car and their “supposed” purpose.

My theory is its a conspiracy by the government for control on the growing population. Convince the masses that it’s a cool unique smart car, have them by it, then BOOM! a 18 wheeler comes crashing into you leaving nothing but broken glass everywhere.

Touche government, touche.

Feel free to read up ….. What\’s the Deal-Smart Car

I love the Smart Car’s slogan. It’s so uncar or open your mind to the car that challenges the status quo.

Here is the so-called benefit to the Smart Car: Over 96 million Americans drive to work alone each day. That means there are about 288,675,000 empty seats commuting to and from work. Astonishing. That’s why we got rid of the backseat entirely.

I am sorry but that is stupid. If that is the case… then the whole of this car is for lonely fucks!! Fucks that don’t have kids or a lover!!! If  a guy got rolled up in a Smart Car…. jaaaaaaaaaaaaaa,  I can just imagine what the “real package” looks like.

I’ll be like…  I didn’t order a smart car! I ordered a bull dozer baby!!

People who drive these cars probably sing… Eric Carmen’s All By Myself!!

Yeah yeah I said!

Also, what the fuck is this!?!

“Look son, this is what you will inherit.”

“Gee Dad doesn’t look much bigger then the car I drive now.”

“I know what it looks like but it will save you a lot of gas and it will keep you very unlaid.”

“Awww really dad!! That’s what I always wanted…. a non pimp-mobile! I wanna stay a virgin forever. “

“Well here it is. I just gotta make sure no one sneezes on it til you turn 16!”

Damnit!!

Well at least, you got the extended warranty.

Why is it called Smart Car anyways?

Is it just because it saves on gas? Is it because you not only bought a car but also a coffin and burial plot in one??

I am sorry but that ain’t very smart.

You know what is smart though??

A car that would prevent you from crashing. Yeah, that would be smart!

You know what would be smart… if there was a radar that would alert you when you got to close to another car. That would be smart!!

And lets say you ignored the alert, then a brake assist system would kick in and apply the brakes, bringing the car to a stop, if needed. Yes! That would be fucking intelligent!!

Too bad we don’t have this technology!

Wait!!!

We do!!

Mercedes has it! And yes Mercedes is actually a real life car!!!

Now shouldn’t that be called a Smart Car?

Just because Justin Bieber now wears glasses doesn’t make him smart…. so we wouldn’t call him that  unless he was actually fucking smart, right??

I get the angle of the Smart Car but it doesn’t make sense!! I say this as I hit my head with my fists!

All these yuppie loving Smart Car drivers need to find an island and not shower together!!

(dropped the mic and walked away George Jefferson style)

Wordless Wednesday- Shhhh just tweet!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wordless Wednesday – When there is nothing else….

This is why its great to be a Latina.

Seriously I do these moves as much as I wash the dishes.  This move is passed down from generation to generation.

Hey, some of you pass down you Chilli recipe, your gold watch.. we pass down the seduction of love!!

And right after that …. we fucking slay everyone in the damn room!!

Hey vampires are way cooler then zombies.  Zombies aren’t as graceful and that’s a fact.

Thursday Movie Review- An Oldie and actually a Goodie

Disclosure: I wanna apologize right from the being if you get the feeling I am being highly emotional.  I just started my period … and well … my emotions get the best of me. Everything tends to overwhelm me.

Have you ever heard of this movie?

The movie came out in 1956 and at the time it was very controversial.  It basically is about two Southern cotton gin rivals and a sensuous 19-year-old.

There was really no one I recognized in the movie… obviously since I wasn’t born yet.  The only person I do recognize now that I think about it is Karl Malden though I can’t say from where.

Karl plays cotton gin owner Archie. Archie is married to “Baby Doll” his 19-year-old wife.

As soon as the movie starts, you see Archie is supervising some remodeling  to his extremely run down house. Extremely run down. Ok, so it’s a piece of shit.  He goes into his house and into a room where there is somewhat of a hole in the wall.  He peeks through and watches his wife sleep.

Yes…she sleeps sucking her thumb in a day bed in the room called the nursery. 

Uhhhh…

That’s like the most fucking weird thing I have seen today.

 His watching startles her and she wakes. You learn right away that they are married by law  but they have not consummated the marriage. He has agreed to wait til she is 20 years old and her birthday is actually two days away.

As you watch them react with each other, you see that “Baby Doll” is very demanding and actually quite spoiled. She came from a family of wealth and was married to Archie on the promise that he would provide her financial security. He has not due to a rival who has taken complete control over the cotton in the area.

You also learn that Archie has no balls. He lets the girl walk all over him. As the movie plays out, you see what a nervous wreak he is.  His business is living him broke, and he ain’t getting any ass. He is slowly losing his mind.

When he and his “Baby Doll” go into town, you notice how everyone eyes the girl. She really works the whole “Baby Doll” act in a very sensual way. People also laugh behind Archie’s back; they are all aware of his situation.

All of the cotton fields are now working with the Syndicate Gin run by a Sicilian, Silva Vaccaro.  Vaccaro has put many local business owners out of work with his large operation.

As Archie and Baby Doll are going home they see the Furniture company heading to their house to remove their furniture from their home. She runs screaming down the road after them embarrassing Archie.

Once they get and their furniture is removed, Baby Doll angrily threatens Archie she is going to leave him. He has failed to provide for her. He is so stressed out by his bride, his business going under, and the lack of respect he does not get, he leaves the house and heads back into town.  During a party in honor of the Syndicate Gin, Archie  burns the gin house to the ground. When the local authorities refuse to pursue an investigation because Vaccaro is an outsider, Vaccaro vows to take matters into his own hands. He realizes that Archie was the only person not at the party and determines to prove his guilt.

 Clearly, Archie is desperate.

The following day Vaccaro takes his cotton to Archie Lee to have it ginned. While Archie  tries to get his antiquated machinery working, Vaccaro flirts with Baby Doll.  Throughout the movie, I am very annoyed with Baby Doll. She is a brat, a pampered spoiled brat. She is also very naive.

To some, this movie might be considered tame. There is no nudity, sadly, but this next scene with Vaccaro and Baby Doll is very intense.

As he talks to her, he is gets really close. He tells her is aware that her husband burnt down his gin. He plays with her invading her personal space and getting rather close to her. Vaccaro is very smooth and cunning. And you can feel the sexuality of the moment. She is uncomfortable but doesn’t move.

His expression and boldness excites her in a way that she doesn’t understand.

She finally gets away from him and says, ” I feel so weak. My head is buzzy… Fuzzy and buzzy.”

If you don’t feel as she does in this exact moment, you are dead. Seriously check your pulse.

   She becomes afraid and runs to her husband for protection and to warn him of Vaccaro but Archie who is frustrated at the moment slaps her and yells at her.


 

She goes back to the house and Vaccaro begins to play games with Baby Doll first scarring her and finally getting her to admit that her husband did in fact start the fire. Baby Doll believes the plantation house is haunted. Vaccaro playfully uses this to “scare” Baby Doll and eventually get her to lower her guard. They play hide and seek, and Baby Doll hides in the attic. The floorboards are dangerously loose. Vaccaro, now forceful and angry, tells Baby Doll that she can’t come out of the attic until she agrees to sign his handwritten “affidavit” that Archie Lee burned down the gin house. Baby Doll signs it. Vaccaro lets her out and prepares to leave. After the near death experience, she has grown fond of him and asks him not to leave. Baby Doll persuades him to stay and take a nap with her in the crib, one of the few pieces of furniture left in the house.

When Archie comes home, he finds that Vaccaro and his wife have gotten chummy. No actual sex but she finally wants to do it with someone!!! 

Archie is angered and embarrassed to discover that Vaccaro has begun to take over his business. These emotions are only amplified when he discovers Baby Doll lounging around the house with Vaccaro,  only in her slip.

 For the main hot dish in the movie, she doesn’t have much of a body. I guess cause she is a “virgin” …blah blah blah.

Baby Doll suggests that Vaccaro is interested in becoming partners with Archie  and suggests they discuss it over dinner. When Archie  sneaks away to make a phone call to friends in hopes they will come over to hia house and help him deal with Vaccaro, Baby Doll kisses Vaccaro. Over dinner, she and Vaccaro taunt Archie about his poor luck and flirt openly. When Archie  tries to take his anger out on Aunt Rose (the cook) by threatening to evict her from the house, Vaccaro offers to hire her as his cook.

Humiliated, Archie  loads his shotgun to kill Vaccaro. While Baby Doll calls the police, Vaccaro hides in a tree. Drunk, Archie wanders the house and front yard looking for Vaccaro but can’t find him. When the police arrive, they disarm Archie ; when Vaccaro shows them the affidavit signed by Baby Doll, they arrest Archie  as well. Baby Doll hopes Vaccaro will stay with her but he is more interested in ensuring his cotton is processed and goes home. Resigned, Baby Doll leads Aunt Rose back into the plantation house, telling her they will have to see what tomorrow brings.

I actually liked the last line.

Baby Doll says to her Aunt, “Well, let’s go in now. We got nothing to do but wait for tomorrow and see if we’re remembered or forgotten.”

As soon as this movie started, I was immediately waiting to make fun of it. The thought of a girl sucking he thumb was crazy to me. Yet the more I watched this movie, the more I began to feel sorry for Archie.  He couldn’t speak up and take charge. And that was his biggest fault.

I saw myself in his character. Sometimes during desperate times you take desperate measures even if they are wrong or make a fool out of you.  He never caught a break and picked the wrong girl. I wonder if any us will admit to taking desperate measures like this. No not burning down a gin house but what would you do to keep the one you love? What would you do when you have been mocked repeatedly or felt so underappreciated? 

In the movie Hancock there are scenes where one word pushes the character of the edge. Mine is crazy. When I am trying to explain myself so hard and it’s not coming out, the worst thing to tell me is calm down or your crazy. I completely lose it. I start thinking… Oh you wanna see crazy? I’ll show you cra cra!

When I think back at these times I think whoa… why did I lose it? Why did I get so overwhelmed in emotion? It’s because no one is listening to me. And I just wanna scream. Feeling unheard is the worst. So is being ignored.

I totally understood Archie. He was immensely desperate but he was scrapping for a happiness that just wouldn’t exist. That’s sad. There was no actual enemy in this movie. There was no direct villian. Archie was his own worst enemy.

I thought the actors and actresses in the movies were awesome. Seriously the acting was great. I don’t think I have ever said that. Remember its an old movie so scenes are up to par with lightning and sound. In fact I had a fair share of laughter on the goofs but all in all I totally understand why it won awards.

I was actually impressed with this movie.

But I did learn something…

My daughter Si needs to stop sucking her thumb… like now!

Singing the Monday Blues

Just so you know: You cannot put the car in reverse without it being actually on. Yeah… it’s already that kind of Monday.

This retardness on my part is a fine example of why there should not even be weekend. I end up forgetting how to function on a regular work day. In fact, even as I sit here at the office, I feel a little lost. My brain is trying to figure up why the hell I woke up so early.

This weekend I did absolutely nothing… nothing. So when I finally went to Walmart last night… I felt a little giddy. In fact we all did! Walmart is nice when there is no one there… and you can leisurely wander the store without confining the chillins’.

Part of the isolation from the world this weekend was because Sienna got sick. She got some stomach bug that apparently is going around. Poor her. She was in the bathroom all Friday evening, all Saturday and didn’t start feeling somewhat normal until Sunday evening.

So I was on Wipe Control, and as any mother knows, being in servitude humbles you.

“Moommmmmeeeeeeee”

“Yes Master.”

“Come wippeeee me.”

“Yes master.”

—————

The last time I wrote retard in my blog, I was attacked by a commenter upset that I used the word retard and how that was offensive to Mentally Handicapped people everywhere.

I was like what???? I didn’t call anyone retarded. The only person I retarded is me, my husband, the dog, and things like my car and such. And I use that term in the most loving way possible. God, that’s retarded!

———-

I introduced my kids to Indiana Jones this weekend. There was a marathon and I made my kids watch it. After awhile they all disappeared. Ahhh Harrison Ford … you were so hot! 

 

—————–

Have you guys seen Kick Ass?

It is so Kick Ass! Why didn’t have a dad who taught me how to kick ass, shoot guys, and perfectly throw knives in order to amend his vendetta against the local bad guy?

Ahhh, to dream.

—————

I got in two retarded arguments with my hubby.

Number 1: I told him that I wanted to work on being an early bird. God knows that I hate to wake up early and I would like to be a real responsible Mom and try to get up earlier… like 9am…ish.

I am trying people!!

I went on to explain that I was not a morning person…

And then he stated his opinion basically saying that was a bunch of hogwash!

“Marina there is no one that likes to get up early. I hated to get up early when I was younger. So there is no such thing as this whole ‘I am not a morning person thing’. Why be a jerk to people just because you want more sleep! If you have to wake up, what’s five minutes gonna help you with? “

Ok first off, I have a friend that loves  to wake up early. She wakes up at 5:30am for the hell of it!

Secondly, shut up!! If I say I am not a morning person that means I don’t like waking up early! I don’t harass people. I simply ignore them til I feel ready that I won’t kill them.

Number 2: I love conspiracy theories.

It’s like watching scary movies. You don’t honestly believe in it but its scary and fun to think about it.

I was telling Gus that right after the last Indiana Jones movie about alien-like skulls being found in South America, a documentary came out about actual alien-like skulls being found in the 20’s I believe.

I was telling Gus this and he completely blew me off!

He could not believe I believed in aliens. When the hell did I say that?

And what if I did? Who gives a rat ass!!!

I started telling him all the weird reports of aliens even been found in Roswell, NM. Again, not saying I believe it but just putting out there of what other people have said.

He went nuts on me!!

He told me I was on the verge of becoming a loony like Jesse Ventura.

Is there anything looney about this man other then hair do??

I got annoyed and cut him off. I don’t believe in aliens but its cool to think about especially regarding all the reports and various stories out there.

He obviously was not gonna believe me.

What I find interesting is that aliens from another planet is so  freakin hard to  believe but yet there is this dude in the sky somewhere watching us who created everything out of nothing.

Riiiiiggghhht …. And I am crazy.

Ok?

 

Wordless Wednesday…. How can you stay quiet with this?!?!?

Ya’ll remember that blog I wrote about guys and how to get rid of these douche hound dogs when they do creepy things to get your attention ?

Me neither.

But I found the answer.

Praise the lord for Jenna Marbles!

 

You’re fucking welcome.

 

 

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