In the room where I sleep … my thoughts overflow.

Posts tagged ‘Pretty Woman Here I Come’

And God Said…. Let Her Be a Lesbian.

I’m just kidding. About the whole lesbian part.

Or am I????

I was thinking for today’s Wordless Wednesday I show you some ladies that I think are smokin hot. I have done a guy list hundreds of times here and alone at home with nothing on but the tv.

Mental Images! Mental Images!!

These lovely ladies I would definitely switch teams for!!

So here is my list of hotties… vagina style.

(note: There will be no actual vaginas shown here. Come on people, I wanna be Freshly Pressed.)

8. Monica Bellucci

One of the sexiest ladies, this woman can make a trash bag hot!

Can I have a hug Monica? Just a little one.

Dammmmmmmmnnnn!

7. Yes It’s Kim Kardashian Biotch,

Even though, she is a dumbass for getting married for 2 seconds then filing for divorce, you gotta give it to cause baby got back and front y’all.

I don't like you, but I love you.

6. Natalie Portman

Other then the fact that she is hot, looks good bald, and has a filthy mouth. Whoa that is actually quite a list.

Oooo la la

 

5. Elizabeth Banks

Something about this lady is really hot. I mean really hot. Her roles in movies are always funny and she just seems like a cool hot chick.

4. Anne Hathaway

First off, I have seen this chick naked. And she is just stunning. And hot. Naked and hot.

3. Scarlett Johanssan

Another yummy woman. She is soooo hot and yes a great actress, but that’s not why I watch her movies!!

Wow, she has pretty eyes right????

2. Sofia Vergara

When I see her I wish I could speak Spanish. She makes me wanna learn. Damn you smokin, Sofia!

Ay ay esta bien chingona!!

 

1. And my number one chick ever in the whole wide world…..

The Day I Fell in love

 

Yes you can bite me, Megan!

So people release you inner lesbian… who do you love???

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Happy Birthday to MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I am so excited!!! It’s my birthday!! I have turned 27 years old today. Time has certainly flown by. And I know people say this all the time but I seriously felt like I was 19 yesterday. I seriously feel it.  I was in such a hurry to grow up and now that I am  here….. its like fuck what did I do!??!

When I turned 19 years old, I was depressed. I knew that getting into my twenties was a big thing. And once I turned 20 it felt like the age progression just switched to top speed!

I panicked when I turned 25. I was seriously sad. I was middle age in my 20’s. 30 was fast approaching and I was scared shitless!!! Then 26 and I was so sad and I didn’t wanna talk about it. I find it funny that everyone thinks I am being stupid cause yes I am still young… however, its fleeting. And before I know it, I will 45 years!

Honestly folks, I didn’t think would it here. I was sure I would have been killed off in a zombie attack, a car accident, or even food poisoning!!  I was suppose to die before this age!!!

Yet this year I am OK with being 27 years old. It has some good vibe to it. First… 7 is my favorite number. So that’s a good thing.  Plus this is a good age… to be seen as intelligent, mature, and but yet still young.

I may not be intelligent or mature but once I will say 27…. I will have you all fooled!!

However I do have some resolutions that I wanna start doing this year! Ready?

1. Exercising. Ha!!! I have been saying that forever!! But I am vain and I wanna be a MILF and embarrass the shit out of my kids.

Idols I look up too:

Mrs. Robinson They named a movie and a song after her!!!!

 

Stacy's Mom

 

Stifler's Mom

 

2. I need to start speaking up. It’s starting to bother me that i don’t react. I am a really chill person and most things don’t bother me. Yet, I need to learn how to react, to say something and not just go with the flow.

The thing is I don’t know how. I don’t know what to say the matter arises. I just know that I am angry or upset or bothered. I am also worried that I will get out of hand.

I am not tired of being too nice but I need to have a backbone in case shit ever does hit the fan. Any suggestions on how to make this happen? Anyone?

So that’s it… before I know it this day will be over … and I will be another 27-year-old person waiting for 28.

Next year I promise you all the drama and depression!!

Velvet Bunny and I….

I will soon blog about my recent vacation as soon as I get the pics off the damn camera….

Till then here is a conversation between and my sexy ass buddy Velvet Bunny. She may have been drunk or her regular self. Its kinda hard to tell sometimes. I was definitely drunk.

Velvet Bunny

 VS

VB: So I’ve decided to leave the 70’s era.
MS: Wahoo. Do it!
MS: Ok you lost me.
VB: Ha ha ha! Wait for it…. wait for it….
VB: I am no longer fro’ing.
MS: Well I am glad you didn’t say jerry curl.
VB: I could have gone that direction but it was becoming a jungle down there. *wink wink*
MS:  So what era you thinking about now… oh go back a decade and get a beehive do. I got one once.  Its magical and the honey is free!
VB: Ha ha ha! I went crew cut but I think I went to short. Its feels colder.
MS: What era is that? Did the lesbians have an era? Oh wait… the 80’s!!
VB: Yup 80’s went short. On the upside  I think I instantly lost a pound.
MS: Yep from all that disco dancing and coke!
VB: Both of which I enjoy very much
MS: I would never leave the 60’s… free weed, love, and STD’s!!
VB: I’ll take the weed and leave the love which in return saves me from STD’s
MS: You will never understand us hippies… it’s all about the experience man!
VB: I heard about a sex party around here on a podcast.And I’m interested in going.
MS: Like an actual party that you attend?!?!
VB: Yeah an orgy event
MS: And you are gonna watch?? That’s not fun….
VB:You can attend as a watcher not a player
VB: Well I am curious to see one bot participate.
MS: Hey totally take pics…like put you face next to someone’s ass and smile and take a pic. Throw some thumbs up signs or something.
VB: ha ha ha!!!!
VB: It would be awesome but they don’t let you take pictures.
MS: Dude come on… that would be rad.
MS: Is it like some secret society or something?
VB: Not sure how it works…if its by invite only or what
MS: Dude just for research watch Eyes Wide Shut and maybe some 8mm. You need to be educated before you go in.
VB: Will do captain! I knew my new crew cut would come in handy.
MS: Your tough crew cut will intimidating.
MS: Sigh…. I feel like I made a difference … and I have you to thank for that. You are awesome Velvet Bunny!
VB: You’re welcome.
Hope you have a great time Velvet Bunny!

Thursday Movie Review- That Ass is Flat

Somewhere in my o so busy schedule between my corporate job, celebrity lunch and dinners, and of course all the red carpet walks I do … I made time to see a movie for this week’s movie review.

This week I saw the movie GIA starting Angelina Jolie and some other people.

It’s about a true story of  a girl who became a “America’s first model”  and it shows her quick jump into fame and her downward spiral into drugs and finally AIDS.

Question: Wasnt Janice Dickerson the first model? I am so freaking confused!

Anyways, this movie was not viewed as controversial but it should have been! What was controversial was Angelina Jolie’s ass!

OMG.. first off…Angelina Jolie is supposed to the hottest woman alive! She is supposed to be! In this movie, I found her body so gross I immediately wanted to turn it off. Seriously!  Her flat ass ruined the whole movie for me! The blonde hair girl in the movie had more booty!

Nudity is very important to me…especially women nudity! These are the women I am supposed to be yearning to be like. You know? Like when I am on the 12th taco and I suddenly catch a glimpse in the mirror and think… “Would Angelina Jolie in Mr and Mrs Smith eat this 12th taco?”

Fuck no!

I found her body in this movie to be kinda gaunt looking… but she was playing a model… so I get that.

Back to the movie: So Gia becomes this instant hit because she does just look so sexual.  And yes in the movie she is a bad ass, a rebel if you will.  What is crazy is that she falls in love with a girl… like she is love with this girl. And yes you see them get it on… which is the only reason to see this movie. THE ONLY REASON TO SEE THIS MOVIE!

I understand that this does open a bag of worms about me. Am I closeted lesbian? Probably. Was I lesbian in my past life? I wouldn’t be  surprised!  Truth is… I do love men… but there is no denying a hot chick. Can I get a Amen?

Gia is pushed into this life of fame and drugs and she slowly starts losing control. With being the hottest most wanted model in the world, she leans more and more on drugs. After failed relationships and rocky family issues, she finally loses control and gets AIDS.

  It is a tragic story. Gia began her modeling career at 17 add died at the age of 26.

  I understand that this was if not the first, one of the first films  Angelina Jolie made. However, her acting seemed over exaggerated to me. In fact, I didn’t find her worth watching.  She is a better actress now but in this movie I felt it was all forced. She was totally over doing it. That and her ass was too small and flat. Seriously I saw her from the back side… I cried and hugged my own ass!

 After I saw the movie, I looked up the real Gia.

 Her full name was  Gia Carangi and OMG that girl was hot!!

 Yes yes Angelina has some sexiness going on but the real Gia … god damn was hot!

Don’t you think?!

She is freakin hot!

Where was Eva Mendes for this role? Or Eva Longoria?!

 

Anywho, so this movie was alright. Again I can’t stress enough how  I almost walked away from this movie all because Angelina’s ass just was not right. It was a catastrophe!

Sigh…. you be the judge.

Revolting Moments of the Past or More Like I Can’t Believe This Ain’t Butter

It was the year 2004 .. OMG!!!  Ha ha 2003 is now old. Anyhow I was 18, young, with a car and money burning through my pocket. I sat with my sister, and two of other friends eating. We were at a restaurant and it just so happened I knew someone working there and they were providing me with some tasty alcoholic beverages.

So I was  having a good time sitting there having some drinks.  One of my friends that was there was my very good friend who we will call David. He and I had been besties since we were little. We hung out usually every weekend. He was such a good friend but he was that losery friend that will always be a friend and nothing else. Yes, he liked both me and my sister clearly but it just was never gonna happen.

This wasn’t some teenage movie kids. Its real freakin life. 

Nothing like the movie Some Kind of Wonderful was ever gonna happen.

Yeah..... no!

So I don’t have  to tell you the guy was a virgin and also super green. I don’t think he has kissed a girl or even held hands with one at that point.

So while we were at the restaurant, we all started to plan our evening. My sister took our other friend to the movies or something.

I got the idea of going to Foxy’s. A local strip club. 

I believe it was his birthday that day. I had taken it upon myself to at least getting him some boobies up in his face.

Now before I get all cocky up on myself, let me tell you I had never been to a strip club before.  Yet I had told him I had. In my head I had rationalized I have more or less ( emphasis on less!) what these girls had so nothing would be too shocking to me.

So we drove up to Foxy’s. Foxy’s is also one of our cities  sleaziest strip joints. It’s all nude and they serve food! Ding Ding Ding!!

“May I please have an order of chicken wings?”

So I’ll admit as we were walking in I was kinda nervous. My buzz completely disappeared.  It didn’t help that the bouncer basically yelled at us that if he caught us drinking he would beat the tar out of us.

We both were nervous but I think I played it off real cool. Always the instigator and boss, I shoved us into a table right near the stage.

We saw a few girls do their dance of seduction all nude of course. I asked David if he was having fun. I remember he could not speak and would not take his eyes off the stage. Total perv!    

I remember it being real dim with dark fun colors and I was amazed how these chicks could work the pole. Such skill!

I remember getting up and recognizing a girl that I knew in high school. She wasn’t in my high school but a nearby one. We were in the same grade and sports.  I think her name was Yvette. That name is pretty common here.

“Yvette! Hey what the hell are you doing here?”

She laughed, “I work here.”

I knew her family really well and was shocked. “Do they know you work here?”

“No I told them I work at Hooters.”

Made sense.

She told me she worked there as a waitress but she was going to dance tonight for the first time. She told she was scared and was drinking to calm her nerves.

After talking to her a bit, I started to realize she was freaking drunk. How the hell was she going to dance?!?!

I got bored with her and wandered back to David who didn’t notice I was even gone. I told him about my high school friend. Before I mentioned she was about to strip dance, she was just a girl. Then I mentioned it, and it was “All Hands on Deck!”

Dudes!!! Get it together!

I then said, “Hey David since it’s your birthday I will buy you a lap dance. Who do you want it from?”

He knew already and pointed to seriously the hottest chick I ever saw. She was blond, with big ass boobs and that’s all I remember. Nothing really needed to be remembered after that.

Seriously. I wanted one too!!!

So I went over and asked her if she would give my friend a lap dance. She said yes. She remarked that it was so cute I was giving my boyfriend a lap dance. I laughed and explained the situation to her. I asked her how much as she said $20.

WHAT THE FUCK!!! $20!!

She better do more than just sit on his ass!! I paid the lady and watched David drool all over her in his nerdy and uncomfortable way. She could have been crying for him to run off with her and he would have just stared at her dumbly.

I begin to walk back to the table when someone grabbed my hand. It was the gorgeous stripper. She told me she would give me a lap dance for free.

Really? Why? First she was all hustling me before and now she wanted to make nice. Ok???

I started to do the math. Ok technically our lap dances could be seen as $10 each other and that thought was making me feel more better. The stripper yanked me down and started dancing all erotically all over me.

So what do I do in any uncomfortable situation? Talk! Ask the chick that cuts my hair.

It was all good cause the stripper was all for talking. She told me how she was at another “high-class” stripper joint but all the girls hated her so she moved here and all the girls are nice. I asked her about how she gets such a close shave down there (I was fucking curious! It was professionally cut!) The whole time I was saturated like butter with her boobies, the sweet smell of vanilla, and glitter.

She was my favorite magical pony ever! She was like a white Jasmine!

After the dance was over, I went over to David. I told him I was in love and he laughed.

I’m kidding folks. However, the smell of Vanilla (or whatever her perfume was) stayed with me for a month. Strippers ain’t dirty … they smell like flowers.

Anyways, so we are talking and watching different girls take the stage when the lights go and the dj begins talking. He saying they are going to give free lap dances for five minutes. I was like hell yeah where is Princess Jasmine.

No! What they actually did was send out the bottom of the barrel girls. One girl jumped on me.

I think I screamed  bloody mary. She scared me! I asked her what she was doing.

She was scary looking and I shit you not she looked like a baby monster!! 

To describe her more accurately, she looked like a cyclops and she was humping my leg!  I had my eyes closed the whole time. Once she was done trying to conceive with my leg, I turned to David and said, “I feel molested. And I think my leg needs an abortion.”

He laughed. 

As we left, he told me this was the best birthday ever.

“I smell like vanilla!”

Me too David. Me too.

Love Peace & Chicken Grease!

Wow …. what a day!!  I woke up and dropped of the kiddies and drove all the way to hell work. Is it over yet??

Well at least I accomplished staying alive… playing dodge the car assassins gets old after a while.  I guess I need to worry about my retirement plan.

Quit now and when I get old I can get a job at Walmart as a greeter!

Yeah... how do you like them apples??

 So I was nominated for an award and won it but it was a tie between me and some other bloggers. That’s a bunch of BS! Clearly, I am not top dawg no longer.

Shout out to my new special lady Tiny Temper who gave me the Stylish  award.  If only she knew that I woke up late bathed in the sink (yes like a homeless chick) smelled checked my clothes, and threw everyone in the car! Stylish indeed!  Thanks anyways Tiny.

I wanna say thanks to my fans and stalkers which I kinda consider is the same thing . Damnit, ladies there is enough of me to go around! Hey Hey Hey!

Lets see what do I want …. I want World Peace so gas prices can go down, I want people to  think of the children and I also want me to stop sexually harrassing bears in the woods!!

It has to be consensual! Thats all I am saying!

And as any award there are laws of nature that have to be observed. I must share even things about myself …

1. I love to cuss … I am not known to actually say bad words only when I am extremely mad but on paper I can cuss like the best of them.

2. I love to sleep. Even when I was young, I snuck in naps everywhere!

3. Weeping Willow trees make me sad. They are pretty but they seriously depress me. Why are you sad tree? Why??!

4. Work cramps my style .. seriously! I am unprofessional, I am very hood (lol) and I eat like its my last meal everytime. No professional wants to see that!

5.  I am constantly eating… I eat when I get bored, when I watch tv, when I sad, lonely and happy. Food is more than a comfort friend. Its my child. GET IN MY BELLY!!

6.  I am constantly searching for the best sweet iced tea. It’s my life’s work!

7. I think in my past life I was either a man or a large animal. You should see how much food I can consume in a day. I shock the men I work with it. But they are a bunch of bitches with their V-8’s and salads.

And now to pass this award to 6 other bloggers so they can fight in mudd and bikinis to the death!

http://dontmakethatface.com/ She is hilarious and she find the craziest things on the internet. She is now the queen of the internet.

http://thypolarlife.wordpress.com/ She is so nice and sweet and she knows how to make a good story and keep you interested. I must have me some thypolar everyday! In fact… I am seriously lacking right now!

http://fnkybee.wordpress.com/ Lol her mind is warped and all over the place. And we would stop reading if she wasn’t. Therapists stay away from Fnky. She has a good thing going!!

http://pkitass.wordpress.com/ This girl is witty. The stuff she says is crazy. I think she is actually the female Chihuahua puppy in Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

http://rubhub.wordpress.com/ I have been reading her blog for a while and I must say she is very smart & very strong! She takes life by the horns even if she is unsure about it. Her blog is her journal and each post we get to see her life by her permission. I’m always rooting for Rub Hub!

http://firecracker3.wordpress.com/  She is my Samantha from Sex in the City! Except she is an awesome brunette. She is sexy and smart and independent but she also knows how to choke the balls!

So there you go … now I am going to make something to eat so I can watch the hot mud wrestling match that is beginning now!

Party Party Party Party

OMG I had the best weekend ever … like totally!

If you guys know anything about me, you know that I don’t get out much. In fact, the last time I went out on a date with my hubby it was last year in July. A dinner and a movie.  Who knows before that!  It’s just hard with three kids that are all real young. And then when we have my husband’s son that’s 4 kids. I mean who can watch all 4? It trips me out that people have babysitters. Where do these babysitters live and how can I get one?

My sister in law’s birthday was Saturday and she reserved a party bus the night. And so my husband and I went. My sister (Thank you Laura!!) knew that we needed a night out especially with Gus going out town, so she said she would do it.

So we were set for the Party Bus.

Have any of you been to Mexico? There are these huge tall buses there. They are like white and green and run down. Well these guys renovated the bus. Put nice seats in there, a stripper pole (very necessary apparently!), and a DJ area. You bring your own beer and liquor and stuff so you can drink on the bus. You arrange where you want to go and drink til you get there.

The last time I went to a club I was 19 maybe. So times have changed.

First off, I was totally freaking out cause I didn’t know what to wear. How do people dress to these things? I wasn’t about to go shopping for an outfit either. So I put on some gray slacks and this red cut off turtle neck shirt.  All the girls that I was with were in shorts skirts and boob busting outfits. At 19, I would have been intimdated. I was expecting to feel that way too!

Low and Behold, somewhere along the lines of busting out three kids and raising them…. I stopped giving a shit about what other people thought! And I didn’t realize it til then. It seriously didn’t bother me. I was in such a good mood, I was ready to have a good time.

I was nervous. Where were we going? Would I be uncomfortable? Why was I freaking out about not being with my kids? Am I just totally out of my element? Why am I so lame? Why can’t I stop twittering?

So we met everyone at this country western bar called Whiskey Dicks. It was so cool! I have been there with Gus like in 2007 to see a concert. The atmosphere is great. It’s for an older crowd but it’s so comfortable and relaxed. Plus you could wear jean shorts there! At least the women I saw were. Totally cool!

I had two drinks there. My signature drink: Rum and coke. After two I was slightly buzzing and I started to get excited. Finally the Party Bus arrived.

Ok so this pic sucks. I will get better ones… no promises.

So here we go into this bus that has.no.windows! So should I have not even done my hair? Probably!

I got my signature drink and began the party.

We first went to this club called The Loft.  This club was the size of my living room. Small! It was a like buy a drink and dance where you are at. So I did. I had two of the strongest drinks ever. Seriously I was already ready to vomit then. But I man-ed up people. And my friend passed me a beer. Which I used to rinse out my mouth! And drink of course. The economy is still shaky!

 I loved that all the clubs we went to had tvs. I got to watch music videos. Totally awesome!

Back on the bus, people started to get rowdy. Dancing all over the place, jumping on the seats. Total chaos. Total awesomeness!

Third club was at The Republic. This was so fun. There were go-go dancers. Everyone was dancing. It was crazy and fun. I had two more drinks something with vodka and shot that was yummy! At this point we were all going crazy. And I was peeing a lot!

I noticed too that all the clubs had bathroom attendants. I made friends with two out of three. The last room attendant didn’t look to friendly especially when one girl slipped in her own pee.

I also noticed that even though I was drinking a lot I wasn’t getting drunk or anything. First it was hot in these clubs. True,  body heat is responsible but how about some refrigerated air or something! Second, I was the only mom within the group so I was taking care of people & making sure we were all together and looking for missing people. That didn’t bother me cause I just wanted us to be all safe.

The time in the bus was getting crazy and ex-rated. It was such a blast. People were riding the pole, each other, climbing on the bus, and dancing. I had so much fun! Never have I danced on leather before. It was quite nice. Then I did these  things called Cherry Bombs. They’re cherries saturated in vodka, gin, tequilla, everclear, you name it, its in there. I did 4.

Even after all that, when it was over and time to go home, me the mother who never goes out to clubs, hasn’t drank for 4 years, was the only one good at the end of the night. I drove everyone home!

Who’s Da Boss?

I’m the boss!

So all in all it was a great night. I had a blast. It was awesome doing this with Gus and dancing. He and I both needed. I love it when we go out cause then we rediscover each other again and how we like to cut loose and have fun.

However, I was ready to end it and go home where my babies were.

After the whole night, I was so proud of myself.  And somewhere in all these years, I freaking matured. What the fuck?!?!

However, I feel like a bus hit me… today!

My thighs are sore from wearing heels and dancing.  My arms hurt from holding onto the bars in the bus.

And is my stomach upset?

WTH?

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