In the room where I sleep … my thoughts overflow.

Posts tagged ‘Almost Poor’

If I Had a Nickel for Every Time I Said….

If I Had a Nickel for Every Time I Said….

  • Dude

“Come on dude! Move your damn car. Damnit dude!!”

  • Like

“Yeah he totally was like they made a secret stash of cans. He mentioned our secret pact.”

  • Totally

“Dude, totally!”

  • Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

(self explanatory)

  • No Prob

“Thanks for getting all these deliverable packages ready as quickly as you did, Marina. ”

“No prob.”

  • My legs don’t go that way

“Babe, my legs don’t go that way. Seriously babe they don’t bend like that. Ahhhh babe, I ain’t flexible. If you wanted flexible you should have married a

ow ow ow ow Babe!!! That hurt. Now I am gonna be sore tomorrow. Man, my thighs feel all weird!!!

 

I would be filthy rich! Yep dirty rich!!!

Sighhhhh, I need some nickels.

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Whoopee dee do

I am jealous of this homeless man.

Ok maybe I should explain why. That’s a hell of a statement for you to handle, I’m sure.

This homeless man was discovered!

The Columbus Discovery posted a video  interview with this man, Ted Williams, whom despite being homeless has a remarkable voice.

The man with the “golden voice” gave us a side story of his life at the time of the interview:

When I was 14 I kind of listened to one of our area radio announcers, and I went as a field trip to go meet the guy, and he looked nothing like what he sounded like. So I asked him about that, and he said to me, “listen, radio is defined — theater of mind.” And so when he said “theater of mind,” I just said, well, hey. I can’t be an actor, I can’t be an on-air personality, but the voice just became something of a development over the years and I went to school for it.

And then alcohol and drugs and a few other things became a part of my life. I’ve got two years clean, and I’m trying hard to get it back. And hopefully somebody from one of these television or radio stations will say, ‘hey, I need a voice-over,’ or ‘ I need something.’

 

Oh well, right? We all have dreams. I wanted to be the next Janet/Britney/Ani Defranco. I also wanted to be Katie Couric or that Asian reporter. Her name escapes my mind at the moment. We can’t have it all right? This is real life! Not a fairy tale!

WRONG!

Thanks to his little interview that was posted on You-tube obviously making it top rated (pfft!),  he is no longer homeless or jobless.

Groan!

The Cleveland Cavaliers have offered him a job and a home. Someone throw me a bone, will ya!

Now, the “radio man” has gotten lots of offers and tons of goodwill: Before the Cavs, made their bid, the station said a group of credit unions offered Williams a contract worth up to $10,000; a caller claiming to rep MTV expressed interest in having him guest-announce a show; and callers who said they were the voiceover actors behind plugs for “The Simpsons” and “Entertainment Tonight” said they wanted him to compete on their upcoming “America’s Next Voice” — where the prize includes a home studio.

Well whoopee dee doo.

I am happy for the guy. Homeless is not better off then what I have. I am certainly not ungrateful …. for that.  But damnit, I am ungrateful that my talents have not been discovered. Hello Spurs? Hello Kings? Anybody?  I can roll my tongue. I talk so fast sometimes you can’t understand me sometimes. Hell, sometimes you can’t understand what I write.

That’s something right?

Right?

I need a hug. And some of the 350 million from last nights lotto.

Factual Statements

*Nothing beats an egg and bacon burrito and salsa from Taco Cabana. If you have no idea what I am talking about, I will ask someone religious to pray for you.

*I am totally stressed out. I have not started my Christmas shopping. Can’t we just cancel the season? I am already depressed with the recent time change.  I just wanna cancel the rest of the year and move forward toward tax season.

*The 7th reason why I had two more kids. Tis the season for additional tax credit 2 and 3! Fa la la la la la la la la! When that check roles in, our home becomes the happiest place on earth. For one week.

*Prince William is getting engaged. So another $1,000,000.00 wedding? Oh, it’s not  one million anymore? That’s now too cheap?! What happened to the romantic old-fashioned way of running to the courthouse on your lunch break to get hitched?!?!

*Scratch that. Nothing beats a bacon and egg burrito with salsa and the perfect coffee. Like 50 creamers and sugars! I am snorting it right at this minute.

*Barking orders at your husband is fun. When he does it, it’s just annoying it. Why is that? Ahhh, the mysteries of the world.

*Can I have the Thanksgiving dinner catered at my house? Seriously like, can Emeril come  and just do the dinner for me? I’ll never leave his side as long as I keep getting refills of wine.

*I need to take multiple breaks at work. Staring at a computer all day just kills me. I think I will take up smoking. That or maybe snorting coffee more frequently.

*I saw my kids lists for Christmas. Oh my sweet Jesus Mother and donkey!  I am pretty sure I will need a second job just to accommodate them. And then after Christmas, when I see the bills for that, I’ll probably need to get another job for that.

*Don’t judge homeless people. It’s takes a real special person to go with out a shower for days and sit in the sun for hours.

*Dear Santa,

This is Marina here. All I want for Christmas or Kwanza is for a distant unknown relative to kick the bucket and have me as their sole heir to their entire fortune. The key is the relative needs to be lloooaaddeed! So if you can get some of your elf buddies to do this job, I will be extremely good the rest of the year.  Yes, that means no following the guys that cut me off in traffic and putting water in the oil tank. I understand that’s why I didn’t get jack last Christmas.

*On every mother’s Christmas list: Something hard like Vodka or Jack.

*My three-year old asked me what mistletoe was.  I looked at her, her eyes all big in wonderment. I answered very simply, “It a type of plant that gives you a very very bad red rash if you stand under it, near it, around it. Don’t even touch it! Not for 30 years.”

*After the circus, my kids now want an elephant. I immediately called the zoo if they have kid placement centers somewhere near the elephant exhibit.

*If I have to question if you’re gay, you probably are gay. If you don’t realize it yet, that’s fine. Many people don’t know that they are douchebags, stupid, etc. Hell, I just found I am eccentric.

*If there is a conversation around you but doesn’t include you, don’t get up laughing and immediately join in on the conversation. That’s just sad.

I ain’t your bitch, oh wait yeah I am

 

Yesterday, as I was putting gas I noticed something as I never noticed before. As  I finished putting gas, I topped off and then immediately freaked cause the instructions say to clearly not do that. So I jumped in my car and started touching anything I could find. I touched the leather seat and steering wheel. I touched my sweater, my purse, the roof of the car. I sat there and wondered, did I get rid of all the  electro waves received from putting gas. Hopefully I had. I touched nearly everything in the car. Then it dawned on me. I am a media freak. Since the news about people blowing up after putting gas in their car, I have been so paranoid. I am sick sick sick. Obviously, you don’t smoke while putting gas. But can you really blow up by just touching the ignition after putting gas? I don’t know. I guess until there is actually scientific proof I will continue my 10 minute impulsiveness of touching everything in the car and hoping that my car won’t blow up as I start it.

What I subconsciously worry about when I put gas!

Then I started thinking, “Hey I might be Media’s bitch.” Then the light bulb clicks! I am, I am media’s bitch. God why? How did it get this way?? I started to look around. My car radio was on. My phone was blowing up with news alerts and more twitter reports. When I got home, the TV was turned on and then I jumped on my computer. It was a smear the Marina day. Media was every where, and it was making me its woman as if we in a prison shower! (“I swear, sniff sniff, I didn’t drop the soap. Sniff Sniff Sobs!)

I started panicking. My chest hurt.

Then the tv asked, “Are you having a panic attack?”

I said, “Yes,”. The TV was talking to me! 

“You need Zoloft!” I do?

“Yes you do! It will stop your extreme worrying , panic and wondering if the media is controlling you.”  I do need Zoloft!  “Yes you do.”

So I have an appointment with my doctor to ask for Zoloft. Hey the TV said so.

I kept thinking though. There is a reason I refuse sweet-in-low and other artificial sugars. I don’t want cancer! News everywhere said artificial sugars cause cancer.

Run! It's Artificial Sugars!!!

I realized that I have been this way my entire life. If an ad said, don’t use this shampoo because after 300 trillion uses, you could get cancer. I said fine.

If the commercial said I needed this type of jeans because then I would finally get accepted by my peers and not spend another homecoming dance dripping in pig’s blood. I was sold!

Carrie was totally not cool! Her purse was a fake coach!

I realized the error of my ways. It was time for a change. I no longer will let media, commercialism, or anything else make choices for me. I am making the choices now. I am taking a stand!

“Um, mommy can you by me a Pillow Pet?  The TV said only the best mommies get Pillow Pets for their kids. Please?!?!”

Before even answering, I knew I would the media’s bitch forever.

My Daughters School is on a Mission to Making me Broke.

" I win again. Another school project! Yea!!! "

Ok so far, its been my daughter’s first year in school. She has been there a total of 32 days.  Truth is I so excited. Probably more excited than her. I go crazy over homework. I go crazy over projects. I go crazy over all the fundraisers. I go crazy when she is the leader for the day and I need to provide the snacks. She is excited because I am excited. But I get the feeling she is doing it for my sake. She just wants to run and play with all her new friends.

So I play the role and the crazy, eccentric, overly excited mother about everything! However, I think the school is taking advantage that I am newly-child-at-school-mother. They see that I am overzealous and crazed. So they have been on a mission to making me broke.

Broke. Penniless. No money in the bank. Please put it on the tab. I think this cardboard will make a lovely house.  Ok, first is all the weird and unexplainable school supplies. I understand the colors but do you honestly need 12 boxes? I get the majority of it but why wipes. These kids can’t get that dirty can they?  Were those Dry Erase markers really for you? Then it was uniforms. And god, its not a lot of choices. Its beige and black. But those are some expensive buggers. And the shirts that have to be embroidered. Ok. That was the beginning of August.

Then it is was picture day. New Dress? Yeah and shoes. Cha Ching! And have you ever seen all the selections for the type of pictures you want? What did they all even mean?

Oh Einstein help me make a choice.

And it wasn’t just a few selections. It was Choice A – Q. Price ranging from $10 to $75. Then I realized this was just a game. How  much do love your kid? $10 worth. Or $75?!?!? I picked somewhere near the middle. Cause at this time, every time she was handing me something from school, I felt my pockets getting lighter. So the love was there but with a slight annoyance. Then it was College week. In kinder??!? Is there a possibility my kid was gonna skip some grades to college? 

She needed a cap with a college on it. A shirt with college on it. Sunglasses. I don’t know why. That has nothing to do with college. Perhaps referring to the partying days of college. And a nice outfit for Dress for Success day. You mean she was getting a job? Sweet! Nope. It was just more cha ching.

Lately its been crazy projects, fundraisers of pointless items, cowboy/cowgirl day. Yes, the whole get up. That took me going to 8 stores to get her entire outfit. Cha chin cha ching. Book fair was this week. And a school pizza party today at our local pizza place.

I am excited and I want Savannah to apart of everything. I wanna be apart of it a well. Well my money does especially. And it’s weird that she doesn’t care . But she will, right? In high school. She will need the newest clothes, be in extracurricular classes, sports, cheerleading, dance, ahhhhhhhhhh.

By that time, I might be living in a cardboard box.  

And I thought Kinder was all coloring, recess, napping, and more coloring. I have been bamboozled. Fun word!

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