However, today the sun came up. Hallelujah! Doesn’t make much of a difference because its 5 degrees right now with a wind chill of -14 or something. I did feel like I could not slack it today so off to work I went (much to my husbands dismay). I survived obviously. I even wrote my will this morning just in case I skidded off a bridge or something.
Actually wait, no! This is my ghostly spirit writing and I am in hell. I always knew I’d come here. It’s not as bad as you think. I mean the people you would think are here like Hitler, Stalin, Michael. There are a bunch of midgets running around. That makes sense cause I was always scared of midgets.
So to cheer me up from this horrible weather and the loss of my own life here are some distasteful (yet funny!) quotes that I found to brighten up my day. My day … not your day. Shit I’m dead. Your not! So fuck you. I am playing. Don’t go fuck yourself … you might end of here.
My Kid would have been an Honor Student but… I had an abortion!
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
Don’t marry a woman with big hands. It makes your dick look small.
And I think to myself… this world is so fucked up that people can’t even take a shit in a public restroom.
Don’t you think it’s just mildly ironic that most of the people against abortion are people you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place?
I think wet dreams are actually God giving you a handjob for being so good.
A good friend will bail you out of jail, But your best friend will be sitting next to you saying “That was fucking awesome!”
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Prevent inbreeding: Ban country music!
I’d rather have a dog over a guy because the worst a dog can do is piss in your shoe.
Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate fuckers.
Kill 1-20 and you’re a Murderer
Kill 30 – 1000 and you’re a Terrorist
Kill 10.000 – 20 million and you’re a Conqueror/Dictator
Kill Everyone and you’re God
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
I’ve always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can’t judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?
I celebrate Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invite everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we have an enormous feast, and then I kill them and take their land.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”
The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
I am sorry you’re not laughing … cause I am.