In the room where I sleep … my thoughts overflow.

Posts tagged ‘WTF!’

While You Were Out Trying to Figure if You Like Donkeys or Elephants, I Was Gathering Weekend News.

All women want their ultimate dream wedding whether it’s a destination wedding at Hawaii or a quiet, intimate garden wedding. Some want traditional and some want modern and sophisticated.  Others want something entirely different…

And some other want pizzazz… or violence.

Philadelphia police were called to a hotel early Sunday to break up a brawl between guests of two wedding parties, and when it was over one man was dead of a heart attack and three people were cited for crimes.

It was a straight up brawl of two wedding parties!! Like a little wedding riot.

Awwww. Nothing says lets celebrate love and family like throwing blows!!

Someone even decks the bride!!

I certainly hope the bride didn’t pay for a video photographer. That would have been a waste of  money. She now can see it forever on YouTube and to own the actual tape she just has to wait a couple of weeks for the police to release it from evidence.

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Would you eat at Lady Gaga’s restaurant?

Quite frankly, even before discovering this little tidbit I would have been a little hesitant. And I eat EVERYTHING!!

It’s a good thing because the New York City restaurant owned by Lady Gaga and her family this week scored miserably during a Department of Health inspection that found six “critical” violations, including failing to protect food from potential contamination.

Yikes!! Imagine then what her home kitchen may look like!!!

Restaurants that are found to have in excess of 28 violation points are given a “C” grade, the lowest issued by city officials. Lady Gaga’s place had 42!!! What the hell!!!

Some of the violations include: Food not protected from potential source of contamination, Personal cleanliness inadequate, Outer garment soiled with possible contaminant, Effective hair restraint not worn in an area where food is prepared, Food contact surface not properly washed, rinsed and sanitized after each use and many more.

Vomitrocious!!

Well finally the restaurant was reopened and “passed” an re-inspection.

Still… I am probably never going to eat there.

There you go… another weekend pass with some crazy stories to report. Hopefully you all don’t eat at any strip clubs or deck any brides. If you do, make sure to record it!!

WTF Wednesday- A Lesson in Teabagging

Have you heard this news story?

A video went viral on the Internet appeared to show someone in a University of Alabama jacket exposing his package  and tea bagged an unconscious man at a restaurant after the Crimson Tide beat LSU for the BCS football championship on Jan. 9.

Go search for it… I am at work so I can’t.

You know when you are drinking your favorite Earl Grey hot tea and you lift the tea bag in and out of the liquid …

that is not tea bagging.

Ha! (Hmmm… now I want tea…)

I knew that!

Great knowledge I will one day bestow on my kids.

No, tea bagging is when you are a dude and you place your balls on someone. And rub. Some also attempt to put the package in an unconscious or sleeping victim’s mouth.

Ewww I know… dudes are so gross. New hobbies gentlemen!! New hobbies!!

That Alabama fan was facing sexual battery charges but agreed to a lesser sentence of two years in prison.

Yikes!!

The LSU tea bagging victim has sued the guy, asking damages for “mental anguish, humiliation, embarrassment, anxiety and depression … damage to reputation” and lost tuition payments “for having to withdraw from school.”

Ok. I would totally prefer not to be tea bagged but I bet it’s not the end of the world. Clearly not mental distress. Just take a fucking shower.  And maybe a chemical peel….

In the end the tea bagger fucked himself. Why? Sure he shouldn’t have tea bagged someone but in reality the internet fucked him over. If you are going to do something criminal, don’t video tape it!!!

Retards!!

But back to the victim… do you honestly think you are the only victim of tea bagging ever?

There are male fraternities every where! I bet there is an orgy of tea bagging going on!!

I myself have been involved in tea bagging. And it was hilarious!!! Well not me per se. I lack the necessary equipment.

My best friend was drunk. And we were annoyed because he was falling everywhere. Finally, he collapsed at a field in a park. We were yelling at him for him to get his ass up but he was already in that stupid drunk faze.

His cousin mentioned that he should tea bag him. At this point, we were like yea do it. And he did, and it was hilarious!! It was either that or draw a gigantic dick and balls on his face.

Yea… my friend was a little peeved at me for a while… but it was pretty funny. Ahhh, good times.

And I feel it taught him a lesson.  He never got that wasted again.  And what 10 years later… he is very well-adjusted. He hasn’t killed anyone… yet.

So gentlemen… stick to the actual lifting of an actual tea bag. No one wants your junk on their face. And if you must, please make sure you have washed thoroughly! Last thing we need is a tea bagging disease to end the world.

And please, no photography!!

Wordless Wednesday- YOU ONLY HAD ONE JOB!!!

I use this line a lot during football season when you are counting on your field goal kicker to get it between those goal posts for those extra points you so desperately need.

The feeling gets so intense as you watch THE FIELD GOAL KICKER miss the goal posts entirely.

Dude!!! You have one god damn job!! To get the ball in between the posts!

Aarrrraghhhhhh!!

So here is “YOU ONLY HAD ONE JOB!” to the rest of the world.

WTF Wednesday-Is That A…. ????

After finding these group of pictures, I think it would be wise to suggest that you singles out there need to hit up on weather men and women. They seem like they trying to communicate something.

This penis is named Isaac and its about to pound the hell out of New Orleans.

Its not just the temperature rising.

You wish buddy… you wish!

Are you telling me the weather or are you just happy to see me?

Mexico you have been a very very bad country!!

So its very clear…. weather dudes are horny.

While You Were Crashing the Kennedys’ parties/Running from West Nile I was scratching up some losers!

Seriously you guys… West Nile ain’t no joke. I have like 50 mosquito bites. The odds are one of them has to be West Nile infected. Geez, why couldn’t this disease stay in Egypt?!

While we are freaking out about these blood sucking little insects, there was real news going on out there. And in between scratches, I found some news that I think you need to know.

Plus I think reading about stupid people is a good ego boost for all of us regular sane people!!

Sometimes you think people must have a bit of a conscience or filter when they are committing crimes.  At least to the point where they can avoid getting caught.

Not this man.

 

World, I would like you to meet Joshua Basso.

This Florida man (again Florida? What are you guys smoking over there?)  was arrested and charged with misusing the 911 system after admitting to investigators that he made seven separate calls between last Wednesday and Friday requesting female deputies for sex.

Da fuck….

The funny thing is this guy was arrested for doing the exact same thing in November of 2009.

Back then, he claimed to be masturbating while he queried an emergency operator about her breasts and whether she would be willing to have sex with him.

Here is the link to listen to his 911 call from 2009. You know you wanna…

Perv 911 Call

This mosquito epidemic is hitting the nation in full force. I am right now scratching my legs with a razor.

And some people are calling 911 when they get bit!

A Fort Worth woman recently called the ambulance service to report that her 1-year-old nephew was apparently bitten.

“And I got scared because that bite looks like that mosquito bite like they show on the TV,” the woman said.

The 911 operator asked if the baby was awake and responsive.

“Yes, he’s playing around like normal,” the woman said. “I just want to make sure that it’s nothing, you know, dangerous.”

MedStar EMS say they have received a number of similar calls.

Ok, even as sit here covered in mosquitoes, I have to say that’s pretty funny.

People! I may be complaining but I know I should have brought my anti-itch creme and some alcohol to work to keep soothing my bites. And I also know too that if I start to feel flu-like symptoms, I should head to my doctor to get it checked out.  911 can’t do anything for your itchiness.

Sometimes… late at night…. I get scared for the future.

Before I go… back to work…. I would like to express my condolences to the family of our American hero Neil Armstrong.

Armstrong was the first man on the moon, followed shortly after by Buzz Aldrin. Yes, he is famous for something else besides ‘Dancing with the Stars’ on ABC. Seriously, if that’s the only reason you know him, just stop reading now. Anyway, like any other major historical event, there’s a group of freaks out there that think the whole event was staged. I’m talking about the moon landing, not ‘Dancing with the Stars’, by the way. I’m pretty sure “DWTS” is totally staged.

Here is how Buzz Aldrin reacts to one of those nay-sayers.

God Bless America!!!

While You Crying Over the Olympics/Cutting Your Toe Nails I Was Trying Not to Dislocate My Hip

As some of you may know … or not know …. I can’t remember whether I announced to the world or not that I went camping last week for four fucking days.

I am such a glass house.

I like camping and have been going since I was young. The only thing that sucks is the whole bathroom/shower and the lack thereof.

However we went to a location where there were flush-able toilets and public shower. So it worked out. All I had to be weary of was not catching foot athlete, hepatitis, or dislocating my hip climbing the big rocky hills to get to the bathroom and back to the camp site.  I went to the bathroom every 30 minutes!!

Why?

Because I have kids with bladders the size of grape nuts!!!

Ha ha I said nuts….
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So this weekend…. I have no idea how I stayed in the loop with the going on’s of the world but I did. Because I care people…. I care.

I especially fear for you guys safety at Wal-Mart. Apart from the usual crazy people … there are REAL psychos there.

Be warned!!!

Meet Aaron Morris.

This guy is in jail because he couldn’t help himself.

Morris is accused of groping a woman’s buttocks outside a dressing room at a Wal-Mart in North Lauderdale.

During questioning by law enforcement, Morris copped to grabbing the victim’s rear end and provided an explanation, of sorts, for his behavior, “Her booty looked so good,” he noted, “I just couldn’t resist touching it.”

Shudder….

Seriously why wasn’t this guy’s face mased to death!

So next time you need to shop for dinner…. don’t!

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A successful businessman is selling his life on eBay.

What the ….???

After working hard to build a business and achieve millionaire status, a Florida entrepreneur is selling it all on eBay. This includes his successful video game stores, two beachside condos, several expensive cars and three kayaks. All for the small price of $3.5 million.

Small?!?!? If you have that money, you are rich!! You don’t need this guy’s life. You obviously have your own!!!

At least make it affordable!! Can we do it in payments?? Can he finance me??

 ”My name’s Shane, and I’m putting my American dream up for sale,” the young businessman says in his Ebay ad. Shane got the idea to pass on his success to somebody else after he heard about other people doing something similar. What?!?!? There were others??!!

He and his family are in search of a new challenge, and want to visit the world, so they decided to sell everything they’ve built so far. “If you build a castle, it’s awesome to sell it and then start building another one, hopefully bigger and better,” Shane said.

Excuse me for being shallow but …. I wanna buy this!! This is happiness. I want it!!!

Get this guy a brain scan just in case….

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And everyone is just going gaga over Miley Cyrus’ new do. If you just went huh to that sentence … lucky lucky you!

It is apparently a pixie cut.

This is soooo not a pixie cut!! Isn’t a pixie hair cut suppose to be cute?!?!

Help me here people.

It’s like my mother used to say….

“Did she get in a fight with a lawn mower?”

The answer is yes … yes she did.

 

WTF Wednesday- Perfecting the Photobomb

Photobombing.

 

The urban dictionary states Photobomb: (verb)- to drop in a photo unexpectedly…to hop in a picture right before it is taken. (2) An otherwise normal photo that has been ruined or spoiled by someone who was not supposed to be in the photograph.

How does one perfect the photobomb?

First you must notice someone in the process of about to take a picture. You must act randomly and rather quickly to ensure true authenticity of the photo bomb. Get into the background of the person getting a picture taken and basically hijack the original focus.

Here are some examples:

Excellent!!

 

Brilliant!!!

 

What the ….. !!!

 

Afghan-a-bomb!!!

This is epic!

 

I hope you learned something today. Now go forth…. and hijack someone’s photo today!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Women of the Nation

Dear Women of the Nation,

 

I would like this time to express my condolences to our gender. A part of us died this week and I feel I need to bring attention to it.

For many years, our great great great grandmothers like Susan B Anthony fought for our rights and our equality. Somehow that great respect has been tarnished.

What am I talking about? Well, let me tell you a story.

The setting: Erwin, Tennessee.  The year: 2001.

A mother by the name of Mysti Potter was teaching her 3-year-old daughter to drive.

Yes! Her 3-year-old daughter.

Hmmm, why would you need to teach your 3-year-old to drive?? Ohhhh, maybe so she could run down to the store and get her mother a pack of cigarettes!! Totally makes sense.

Flash back to 2012:  Mysti’s daughter, at age 14, set off  driving a stolen car lead police in a two-state high-speed chase.

People I can’t even make this shit up! I can’t. I tried.

It gets better!!

Mysti’s daughter (unnamed BECAUSE SHE’S 14!) stole a friend’s mom’s Jeep and had actually picked her mother up so Mysti could get a pack of cigarettes. Mysti didn’t know the Jeep was stolen and WAS surprised her daughter elected for a high-speed chase — since she’s ALWAYS told her to pull over if the police flag her down.

Well now, how did the daughter not heed her mother’s advice?? Maybe since she has been driving since she was 3, she freaked out being pursued by a cop.

I really like how the mother doesn’t seem surprised at all. She was just chilling on the news smoking a cigarette.  Like if it was always a matter of time he daughter was going to be on a high-speed chase through two states!!

Really, what can you say? I am at a loss for words.

And you would think it would end there. That a woman with a IQ of 50 would be a once in a million thing.

I am sorry to disappoint you all… but there are more.

A Providence, Rhode Island woman was arrested Tuesday night by Rhode Island State Police troopers after she allegedly rear-ended them while drunk.

Ok, that is pretty stupid. No… that’s fucking retarded.  The only other thing she could have done that would be labeled as mentally insane would be to walk into a police station shouting that she was hammered!!

Of course, the police pull her over. And what do they find?

The woman had her two young children in the car at the time she did it, but luckily they were not injured.   A breath test showed her blood alcohol level was three times the legal limit.

So… to recap… a woman drunk as hell reams a cop car with two children in her car. And she wasn’t even a little drunk. She was like Hangover Part 3: Reaming into to Cop Cars drunk!

The 32-year-old mother’s  3-month-old was in a booster seat (Booster????!!!!!) but the seat wasn’t connected to the car and wasn’t properly restrained.  The 6-year-old was not restrained in any way.

SMH!!!

I am so glad she hardly ever (HARDLY EVER… so not never) drives drunk with her kids.

What the hell??

Everything is just going to hell!! I actually fear for the future. Hopefully I don’t make it pass 30 years old.  It’s just too scary out there.

We all need to form a group and not only get these kids outta these environments, but we also need a way to confiscate these women’s ovaries! Stop mass producing women!! Just stop it! I beg you!!

Can we do it? Can we confiscate women’s ovaries? Think how many kids we could save!!

So  while I try to figure out how to commence Save the Ovaries from Stupid Women 2012, watch this:

Will is the only other person that feels as I do!!

 

 

Wordless Wednesday- Call Me Batman

You guys…

I really needed this laugh.

I need anything to stop me from slapping Kristen Stewart in the face for cheating on Robert Pattinson.

I mean who are you Kristen!!!

Who are you?!?!

I am screaming obscenities in my head to you!!

Damnit I need to watch that Batman video again.

WTF Wednesday-I totally want this

I like to exercise even though I never do.

That was a pretty dumb statement but its true. I love exercising especially lifting weights. I really want a total gym but I can’t afford it.
(Will take donations…. just saying)

There is always something new on the market that promises you results and the body you always dreamed of. For the most part, these industries know how to make results.

Except for this one. I don’t know what they are insinuating.

What is this working out? Your vajajay? Your penis?

What?!!

Is it promising results on how long you can squat when you doing position #137 of the Karma Sutra… the eager Froggy?

I just don’t get it. But, I do think this is funny as shit. And I would like to believe that those Koreans were honestly trying to make an exercise machine and don’t see what they actually made. But no one can be that dense right?

So I guess I gotta add this to my collection.

Sex swing… check.

Ace Power…. check!

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