You know what is awkward for me?
Getting pampered… Yeah, I have never any idea how I should act, or what to say. That is part of the reason why I don’t regularly get my hair done, or get my nails or anything like that.
For instance, I went to get a massage. And not because I had money lying around aching to be used or because I was having a girls’ day (what is that?). I genuinely needed a rub down. My back has been killing me.
I go into the room and they tell you take off all your clothes. What??? I have gotten a massage at least three times in my entire life and I never can figure this out!!
Do I undress all or not? Leave the undies on or not??
If I leave them off, my God I am exposed! My nether regions are placed on table for all to see and judge!
What would happen if their was a fire and I was laying there naked?!?! What if their was a bomb threat?!? Or some fired past employee had a little too much to drink and decided that it wasn’t their fault that they got fired but their evil masseuse of a boss’s??
There are so many what if’s it could literally drive you crazy.
I clearly was not made for stripping because I am terribly shy.
However, I leave the undies on…. then I am a prude!!
Prude like Tipper Gore!!
Prude like uptight Christian woman!!
Prude like my 85-year-old grandma!!
I can’t go to church or wear knee-high stockings!! I just can’t!!
I spend the whole ten minutes that should be getting undressed and comfortable in the bed trying to figure this out!
Finally, after I decide and run into the bed hoping and praying that there is a warning alarm for any potential fire, earthquake, or tornado. And I pray that they work and that I have mastered my art on getting my clothes on as quickly as possible.
(Being married with kids usually keeps your ninja skills of removing clothes, having sex, and then putting them on faster than their cartoons break for commercial on target!)
So once the masseuse comes in, she starts right away on my back.
How to kill the awkwardness??
“So hey…. how are you today?? Been busy??”
No no that’s lame.
How about, “So been doing this long?”
No no she is going to think I am questioning her skills!!
Yesterday, I tried to stay quiet. I really did. I thought I would do something different than chattering nervously to keep her company. I do it because in all honesty she is working and I am not. Fuck I was just laying there. I could have folded some towels or something!
I thought, this is only awkward for me not her. This is her job. But this is sooooo weird….I should say something. No no, for once I should just shut up and relax. Enjoy the massage. I just feel bad for her working while I am laying here getting a massage. What if she doesn’t feel like talking?
I am not doing her any favors. Wait, what if I am? Maybe she is waiting for me to speak. How do you break this tension?? “Man this music sucks huh??”
God of course it sucks Marina!! Its Indians playing a fucking harp and something that sounds like rain!! That’s not fucking soothing. Sounds like my head is gonna get scalped in any minute! Hmmm, I wonder if she can see my side boob. Who am I kidding?? You gotta have boobs to have any sides!!
Did I remember to put deodorant on?? I can’t remember. And even if I did that that was well in the morning!! Damn discounted deodorant!!
Then; OMFG!! That shit is killing me!!! I am hurting there so much!! Fuck Fuck Fuck!!! God not the elbow. Stop being a pussy Marina!!! Take it Take it!! You had three kids for Christ’s sake!! You pushed out watermelons!!
She will ask, “Does that hurt? Are you feeling pressure?”
Me, “Oh no I am fine. You are getting it. You are doing great.”
Mother of fucking god I have another shoulder!! Work on that!!! This breathing shit is not working!! I can’t breathe!! This girl is so strong!!! Why is my whole arm tingling?? Is this a stroke?? Fuck I am naked!! I am going to die on this table… naked!!!! Is it my mother’s fault for my sexual awkwardness!! Damn you mother!!
Man I just wanna feel my cotton fruit of looms one more time!!!
And just when I think I am going to pass out, my session is over.
As you can see, I have a high tolerance of pain.
That is just one hour. That is why I refuse spa packages. I can’t handle all the pain at one time. I am always the little bitch crying during waxes, crying during mani’s and pedi’s because they are pushing my cuticles up.
And they always want you to get naked!! Is there some spa orgy thing going on?!?
And what the awkwardness!! Asian people always look at me funny when I talk to them. Does that mean shut the eff up?!?!