Recently we moved to a bigger house
so I can send the kids somewhere else for a while because we really needed more space. It’s really only 20 minutes away from our former house but it might as well be another country.
Before, we had all the necessities surrounded us in our nice suburban area. Now we are living in a rural area that is growing but barely. We live near the valley where there are ranches, farmland, and areas of desert.
Now I am not a big girly girl when it comes to nature. I love to camp, I love to hike. I find bugs or snakes and I don’t fret. I can stand my ground. However, now that I am living in the outskirts of the city I have had to get used to wildlife a little more. I have had to screech to stop to avoid hitting quail, foxes, coyotes, rabbits. I have seen field mice (or was it rats) running through my yard. I have seen the remains of knocked over trash cans. And I have seen spiders.
Spiders that are bigger than my palm spiders. At this point, I don’t think they should be called spiders anymore. They should be like desert crabs or something. The horror. Those damn suckers are everywhere. I have no probably killing these “bird killers”.
Wait, I do have one condition. I must have clothes on. The only way I can not kill a bug is if I am naked. I know total mind fuck but its true. For some reason, I have this fear that bugs/spiders can’t hurt me as long as I have t-shirt and shorts. I almost wanna say I am more concerned about them jumping on bare skin and going into my vagina or something. I can be barefoot and still be fine. I just have to have clothes. So yes, in the shower, I am a total blonde chick in a horror film.
However, lately I have had a hard time killing them. And yes I say kill. There is more of those bastards then there are of me so I am not going to release it in back in to the wild only for it to try to come back into my house. The reason I am now freaking out about spiders is because lately I have been finding what my husband calls are Wolf Spiders.
They are huge and brown and just god damn huge. I have yet to be bitten but I do know that it hurts like a mother. These god damn spiders aren’t like normal spiders spinning webs and trying to save pigs.
These fucking things climb, can swim, and hunt, well like a wolf.
And I haven’t even told you the worst part.
So I found one in the middle of our living room where we sit on the couches or sit on the floor to watch TV. I grab a house shoe and smash it really good and hard making a loud disgusting crunch. The spider died instantly smashed against the tile. But then a million babies crawl outta the spider and start fleeing in all directions.
Never have I ever been more disgusted or horrified. I have never seen anything like that. Where I come from spiders don’t have tricks up their damn sleeves. These fucking spiders carry their kids on their back?!?!?! So here I am trying to kill the reinforcements with my massive shoe against these microscopic devils and I am failing. They are moving fast and in all directions. I grab a house spray and I think I got a few of them but who knows where the hell the others went.
So now I totally the joke that people say about burning down your house once you encounter a spider. Well, I encountered hundreds.