It was the year 2004 .. OMG!!! Ha ha 2003 is now old. Anyhow I was 18, young, with a car and money burning through my pocket. I sat with my sister, and two of other friends eating. We were at a restaurant and it just so happened I knew someone working there and they were providing me with some tasty alcoholic beverages.
So I was having a good time sitting there having some drinks. One of my friends that was there was my very good friend who we will call David. He and I had been besties since we were little. We hung out usually every weekend. He was such a good friend but he was that losery friend that will always be a friend and nothing else. Yes, he liked both me and my sister clearly but it just was never gonna happen.
This wasn’t some teenage movie kids. Its real freakin life.
Nothing like the movie Some Kind of Wonderful was ever gonna happen.
So I don’t have to tell you the guy was a virgin and also super green. I don’t think he has kissed a girl or even held hands with one at that point.
So while we were at the restaurant, we all started to plan our evening. My sister took our other friend to the movies or something.
I got the idea of going to Foxy’s. A local strip club.
I believe it was his birthday that day. I had taken it upon myself to at least getting him some boobies up in his face.
Now before I get all cocky up on myself, let me tell you I had never been to a strip club before. Yet I had told him I had. In my head I had rationalized I have more or less ( emphasis on less!) what these girls had so nothing would be too shocking to me.
So we drove up to Foxy’s. Foxy’s is also one of our cities sleaziest strip joints. It’s all nude and they serve food! Ding Ding Ding!!
“May I please have an order of chicken wings?”
So I’ll admit as we were walking in I was kinda nervous. My buzz completely disappeared. It didn’t help that the bouncer basically yelled at us that if he caught us drinking he would beat the tar out of us.
We both were nervous but I think I played it off real cool. Always the instigator and boss, I shoved us into a table right near the stage.
We saw a few girls do their dance of seduction all nude of course. I asked David if he was having fun. I remember he could not speak and would not take his eyes off the stage. Total perv!
I remember it being real dim with dark fun colors and I was amazed how these chicks could work the pole. Such skill!
I remember getting up and recognizing a girl that I knew in high school. She wasn’t in my high school but a nearby one. We were in the same grade and sports. I think her name was Yvette. That name is pretty common here.
“Yvette! Hey what the hell are you doing here?”
She laughed, “I work here.”
I knew her family really well and was shocked. “Do they know you work here?”
“No I told them I work at Hooters.”
She told me she worked there as a waitress but she was going to dance tonight for the first time. She told she was scared and was drinking to calm her nerves.
After talking to her a bit, I started to realize she was freaking drunk. How the hell was she going to dance?!?!
I got bored with her and wandered back to David who didn’t notice I was even gone. I told him about my high school friend. Before I mentioned she was about to strip dance, she was just a girl. Then I mentioned it, and it was “All Hands on Deck!”
Dudes!!! Get it together!
I then said, “Hey David since it’s your birthday I will buy you a lap dance. Who do you want it from?”
He knew already and pointed to seriously the hottest chick I ever saw. She was blond, with big ass boobs and that’s all I remember. Nothing really needed to be remembered after that.
Seriously. I wanted one too!!!
So I went over and asked her if she would give my friend a lap dance. She said yes. She remarked that it was so cute I was giving my boyfriend a lap dance. I laughed and explained the situation to her. I asked her how much as she said $20.
WHAT THE FUCK!!! $20!!
She better do more than just sit on his ass!! I paid the lady and watched David drool all over her in his nerdy and uncomfortable way. She could have been crying for him to run off with her and he would have just stared at her dumbly.
I begin to walk back to the table when someone grabbed my hand. It was the gorgeous stripper. She told me she would give me a lap dance for free.
Really? Why? First she was all hustling me before and now she wanted to make nice. Ok???
I started to do the math. Ok technically our lap dances could be seen as $10 each other and that thought was making me feel more better. The stripper yanked me down and started dancing all erotically all over me.
So what do I do in any uncomfortable situation? Talk! Ask the chick that cuts my hair.
It was all good cause the stripper was all for talking. She told me how she was at another “high-class” stripper joint but all the girls hated her so she moved here and all the girls are nice. I asked her about how she gets such a close shave down there (I was fucking curious! It was professionally cut!) The whole time I was saturated like butter with her boobies, the sweet smell of vanilla, and glitter.
She was my favorite magical pony ever! She was like a white Jasmine!
After the dance was over, I went over to David. I told him I was in love and he laughed.
I’m kidding folks. However, the smell of Vanilla (or whatever her perfume was) stayed with me for a month. Strippers ain’t dirty … they smell like flowers.
Anyways, so we are talking and watching different girls take the stage when the lights go and the dj begins talking. He saying they are going to give free lap dances for five minutes. I was like hell yeah where is Princess Jasmine.
No! What they actually did was send out the bottom of the barrel girls. One girl jumped on me.
I think I screamed bloody mary. She scared me! I asked her what she was doing.
She was scary looking and I shit you not she looked like a baby monster!!
To describe her more accurately, she looked like a cyclops and she was humping my leg! I had my eyes closed the whole time. Once she was done trying to conceive with my leg, I turned to David and said, “I feel molested. And I think my leg needs an abortion.”
As we left, he told me this was the best birthday ever.
“I smell like vanilla!”
Me too David. Me too.