Yesterday at approximately 8:15pm, my city was hit with an earth quake.
I am telling the truth.
Though I didn’t feel anything while I was vacuuming, this little nature terrorist attack has changed me completely. That 2.5 shake knocked some much-needed sense into me.
This revelation came to me as stared at the ceiling fan above waiting for the aftershocks to cause the fan to fall and crush me: THE END OF THE WORLD IS COMING!
I realized that I have been blinded all these years. And I see the light. I need to get my ass saved and fast. And who better to save my soul then…
No No… not him.
I need to follow the Mayans!!!
It all makes sense. They lived thousands of years ago. They predicted the world would end. They probably also predicted the earthquake last night.
So last night while you were watching the Bachelor/masturbating/refreshing the soil on your Mary Jane patch, I was experiencing the Mayan lawd. And now, I will begin my faith today with a bit of common practices by the great Mayan nation.
If you feel you need saving, I have dug up what we need to start doing as new Mayan members to ensure our ass is not grass.
To be a Mayan, you have to like art, architecture, and mathematical and astronomy. I suck at Math so until I am 100% I will be attending Sylvan for awhile. Also we constantly built shit like empires, kingdoms, palaces and temples so feel free to take the credit for all those.
This one is mine.
Our religion is based on religion. We believe we can tell the future and we do a lot of cloud watching. It’s all very technical.
Also we believe in human sacrifice. For reals. I am extremely excited for this part. My human sacrifice technique could use a little work. But mostly we just take out the heart of people with any anesthesia . That is totally cool.
And for the record, we don’t sacrifice our own people. That would be cruel and inhumane. We sacrifice our neighbors. I bet you can totally think of some neighbors that need sacrificing. Think of that bastard that plays his music too loud. Think of the lady who lets her trash roll into your yard. Sacrifice! And it’s for the good of the truth!! Mayan truth!!
For the record, we Mayans can grow shit like no body’s business!
We discovered sunflower seeds!! I love sunflower seeds. They are so addictive!
Mayan also were ahead of the fashion curve. Its true.
I’m telling you, I have never been more convinced.
I am currently making my head-dress now.
And now that I am on the saving team, I can lay back and grow sunflower seeds with a bit of peace of mind.