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Archive for the ‘Zombies’ Category

Pick Me! Pick Me to Be Your End of the World Buddy!

Yesterday as my hubs and I were watching the movie The Darkest Hour….


I made a keen observation when dealing with these end of the world, apocalyptic events. I already know that whether it be by zombies, aliens, or nuclear weapon, I know that my hubby has a good chance of surviving. In fact, I could almost bet on it. He is a conservationist and can make do with anything. He has  common sense and strong survival skills. Example: all we have at the house to eat is tortillas, peanut butter and spaghetti O’s.  Bam! He just made a feast! Also, he can build anything and fix anything.  He is very good with guns and can make a shank like a prisoner!
So in the event of catastrophic events, look for him. We will probably be overtaking a Wal-Mart.

Now, I realized as I watch this movie that women aren’t really valued to survive. How can they? Most are panicking and screaming their heads off most of the movie or until they die. I realized in the movie and like most end of the world movies; there are two types of women.

It’s very rare that you will find a woman survivalist. I am not a survivalist by any means. So therefore women will be classified in two groups: Women who will die vs Women who won’t.

Women who will die are easy to spot. They are constantly screaming and panicking like a mother THROUGH THE WHOLE MOVIE. In the beginning when you  first see people killed or dead bodies, its normal to be distressed and a little freaked out. But really through the whole movie?! After a while, I am just rooting for you to die. These ladies usually make rash decisions, completely not listening to those with common sense and objection to survive and let their panic lead them to final death! (Finally!!) They are basically running around like a chicken without a head crying and being Debbie Downer!


Its excruciating! Where is your will to survive ladies?!?

Then there are those who will live. They may freak out at first but only in the beginning. After that, its game on. They get on a grip that this is their reality and GET THE FUCK OVER IT! They are constantly keeping themselves busy gathering supplies, keeping morale up, staying positive, learning how to use a gun, and just being whatever the group needs. Most importantly, they are listening to everything around them.

I would like to believe I am in that group. I don’t freak out or gross out easy. When my sister made me watch that clip of two girls one cup, I watched it all, while eating and not even flinching of disgust.  I am overly optimistic, I am constantly doing something and working especially in times of distress. I am also awesome under stress and pressure. In fact, that may be where I shine the best!  The only con is that I have late reaction to things . For instance, I don’t react to things the way a normal person would. I have no feeling for anything until hours later when I realize I should have been pist, insulted, or happy about something. That also may be a good thing but if I getting shooting at it may take me a while to realize that I am getting shooting at and that I should move to cover. Still just to be on the safe side I carry my survival handbook with me and I am currently working on an end of the world back pack complete with a  tomahawk, rope, duck tape, world map and USA map, nuts, granola bars, matches,  knives, and first aid kit.

That and also I plan to be attached to the husband’s hip. He increases my survival up to 40% as long as I listen and don’t get annoying.


The Essentials for Christmas/Zombie Apocalypse

Last night a discussion with my hubby reconfirmed my decision that I married the right guy.

We were talking about how nice the three wood shutters we have installed on some of the windows were and how they were really fancy. I expressed how much I loved them. Gus expressed that we should do all the windows but that it would probably be really expensive.

I frowned because I hate expensive things.

Gus cheered me up by saying, ” Well they would be really useful in securing the windows if there was a zombie apocalypse.”

That is how he normally gets me. He tells me he bought something and then adds in case there is a zombie apocalypse and I sigh a wave of relief.  I willingly admit it works on me every time because you never know. Crazier shit has happened! Okay, well that is not entirely true.
Nothing has happened that is crazier than zombies… at least not in my town.

Anyways, I have come to reason that not everything at our local Wal-Mart is we would need to survive a zombie apocalypse.

Here is a list I have put together with everything I would need:

1)  The Walking Dead Series

Never have I seen a more accurate portrayal of what would happen to the world if there really was a zombie apocalypse.  I will just remember, shoot anyone with the name of Carl.

2)M48 Apocalypse Tactical Tomahawk series

With a wide, up swept axe blade, the ATT has a massive slash for decapitating walkers. The secondary edge on the back of the head is specially sharpened on both edges for a hook attack guaranteed to puncture the spicy brains of any zombie. Lightweight enough to carry all day, toting the ATT won’t tire out before you get back to the safety of your camp.

Me likey!!!

3)  Bacon green beans

When I was doing zombie research, this kept coming up as an essential. I think the internet is trying to tell me something.  Plus this looks really good!

4) Dead On Annihilator Superhammer

  • Fourteen inches of forged steel multitool with rubber grip (forged steel!! *Tool man groan*)
  • Built-in:
    • Dead-On bottle-opener
    • Multi-purpose wrench
    • Nail puller
    • Demolition axe rips through dry wall, shingles, strips conduit, beheads zombies *
    • Chisel smashes through tile, brick, concrete, skulls *

    Need I say more! How is this  not issued to us once we are born? And… it will definitely fit in my purse!

    5) Plush Zombie Slippers

    Nothing shows more that your game face is on when you are sporting these babies!

    So if you are at a stand still on what to get me for Christmas, any of these will suffice. And you should probably think about adding some of this to your own collection.

    You’re Welcome!

The Greatest Trilogy According To Me

Over the weekend, I was able to re-watch some movies that I liked in the past. Oldies but awesome goodies!

If you haven’t seen this trilogy I could slap you. Come visit me in Texas for that slap in the face!!

Besides the fact that there are zombies, this movie is all about girl power. And who doesn’t like girl power?? I know I do!! Milla Jovovich kicks ass!!

This movie made its debut on the gaming system Playstation in 1996. It was a commercial success. If you ever played the game you will know how riveting it was as well as captivating. You were living this horror game, you were in control and it was horrifying and fun!

In 2002, it was released as a feature film.

In a nutshell, Resident Evil is about a virus has escaped in a secret facility called “The Hive,” turning the staff into hungry zombies and releasing the mutated Lab “Animals” that they were studying. The corporation sends in an elite military unit, where they meet Alice (Milla Jovovich), who is suffering from amnesia due to exposure to nerve gas. The military team must shut down the computer and get out, fighting their way past zombies, mutants, and the computer itself, before the virus escapes and infects the rest of the world. Alice must also come to terms with her slowly returning memories.

In Resident Evil: Apocalypse, Alice is awaken in a city torn by zombies and creatures created by the corporation Umbrella. Discovering she was an Umbrella experiment, Alice has been bio-genetically enhanced with new strengths, senses and dexterity–and she will need them.

Finally there is Resident Evil: Extinction. Years after the Raccoon City disaster, Alice is on her own; aware that she has become a liability and could endanger those around her, she is struggling to survive and bring down the Umbrella Corporation. Alice’s powers have escalated… she is almost god like!

I wanna say that this may be the first movie that introduced the concept of zombies. I tried looking it up and found nothing. So for the sake of the blog we will just it was. Yay for Resident Evil. Because of you, I built an underground shelter fully stocked for the zombie apocalypse that is sure to happen. I have decided that my hero is Alice from Resident Evil.

I wish I was a dude so I can mate with her and make little zombie fighting babies.

How awesome is that!!

So go rent this!! These movies are epic. I will have you wanting to mate with Alice too… for humanity!!

Duh people.

P.S. This blog was dedicated to Shane.

No one will understand you like me. You were crazy but that’s why we liked you!!

RIP Shane… may they welcome you in Zombie heaven.

I don’t know how Walking Dead will function without you!


Thursday Movie Review- Ummmm No I Haven’t Seen It

The Oscars are set to show on Feb 26th. I suddenly realized that I haven’t seen any of the movies except two.

So here are my reviews on the movies I have not seen based on what I know.

I know … weird.

But I apparently do everything half-ass so lets continue the half-assing!

  1. The Artist

   You know, I do wanna see this movie. I want to see if we, nowadays, can channel back when movies were picture perfect cinema.

The Artist takes place in Hollywood in 1927. The movie bases about a silent film star who feels he is fazing out because talking in films is now being introduced.  He then meets a young dancer who is looking for her big break.

It’s a romantic comedy and it looks cute. Plus the fact that  I never heard of the main actor and actress at all.

So two thumbs up for originality and the whole black and white idea until further notice.


2. The Descendants

    I have heard two different opinions on this movie. One said it sucked and the other said it was very good.  So I am a bit conflicted.  I would rent this movie rental worthy. So in case it does suck at least I didn’t sell my soul for a theater ticket.  What am I talking about? I am a mother with three very small kids of course I would sell my soul to go see a movie in an actual theater!!!

Oh yeah, the movie. From what I hear, George Clooney plays the part of a father who tries to reconnect with his two daughters after his wife suffers a boating accident.  The wife is on life support. Somewhere in between, George Clooney finds that his wife was cheating on him. So he takes his daughter with him to confront the young real estate broker, who was having an affair with his wife.

This sounds emotional and thought-provoking.

And I hope he pounds the shit outta that real estate broker.

I am going to say one thumbs up and the other is still in the bathroom after finishing some Taco Bell so he is undecided.




3.  Hugo

   Nope. Don’t wanna see it but I know I am going to see it against my will!!!











4. War Horse

I am a bit disappointed. This movie looks really awesome. However, it seems like it’s about a love story between a young boy and a horse.

*scratches head*

A boy and his horse are inseparable. However, when the family falls onto hard times, the horse is sold to the British cavalry. The boy meanwhile joins the army and soon finds his horse. Little does he knows the horse has been through a crazy ordeal. Now the horse must be sold.

Will they be able to stay together?

God I don’t wanna cry already!!!!

Two thumbs down for the pressure in my head!!!




So there you go, a quick highlight on a few of the nominees of best picture. Please let me know if they were good or not, or if, as usual, I am full of shit.

Thank You

P.S. Where are the zombies?? Zombies deserve Oscars too!!

Wacky Wednesday – Vermin Supreme for Prez!!!

With a name like Vermin Supreme, how can you not vote for him??

He has a plan!!

Ponies for everyone!

He is creating a secret dental police!!

We all need to donate a kidney!!

Zombies will be used for power source!

And he wears a boot on his head!!


I say yes!!

Shitting In Your Pants is Not An Option

Remember in the movie Zombieland

how the main character “Columbus” had a set of rules when the Zombie apocalypse hit America?

I do.

Little did this little gem of a movie know that you don’t need a zombie apocalypse to put these rules into action.

For instance, rule number 1 is cardio.

How essential is this?!?! You never know when you are just going to pop yourself into a devastating situation and need the use of your legs to help you.

For example, when I was like 12 years old, I was playing ball in the backyard with some friends. The ball went over to my neighbor’s back yard. So I hopped the fence to retrieve my ball.

Did my neighbor have a dog? Yes.

Was I aware of this? Yes I was.

I figured though that even though that Spawn of Satan barked at me constantly it would get friendly when I jumped back there. I didn’t dilly dally. I jumped in grabbed the ball and ran over to the fence as fast as these little legs could carry me while the entire time the dog was in a corner barking. As I running to the fence to climb, the stupid dog charged me.

Vicious ass cocker spaniel!!!

It chased me around as I run in circles trying to get away from it. Finally it  attacked my thigh and took a small chunk outta me as I was climbing up.

Stupid dog!! To this day, I still have a scar. And I also lost my innocence. Before that I was very trusting of animals. Then, I was forever changed.

I should have gone for basketball that summer like I said I would. The only reason I didn’t is because I wanted to sleep in everyday and do nothing.

Laziness is a cool mistress my friends. Always remember your cardio.

Another important rule that I use is rule number 31: Check the Backseat.

Always check the backseat!!

You never know when there is going to be a mass murder, a serial killer, or a just a freak who saw that I was a fine piece of alone ass walking through Walmart and thought how romantic would it be to surprise her in the back of her Tahoe with a knife and some rope!!

I always check. Murder movies have taught me people will try to get you from your backseat. What scares me is that I have two back seats. My Tahoe seats eight people so it has an extended back seat. And even if I look back there , I still uncomfortable. I can’t tell you how many times I look in my rear view mirror just to make sure no head pops up.

This morning I freaked out. There was  some rustling sound in my back seat. I kept looking in the rearview mirror, thinking ‘Show yourself fucker!’ and finally I realized that someone had left an empty bag of cheetos and it was rustling around.


I can’t you tell you enough… always look in the back seat.

And that leads me to another rule that is very important. Rule number 2: Double Tap.

What does this mean?

Have you ever seen a movie where someone is in danger and they are able to hit their killer with something heavy? And then they walk away and then the killer wakes up and kills them. Then those fools deserved to die!!

They should have double tapped!!

Strike again! Again and again if you have to but always to it more than once!!

Clobber that mofo!! Once, twice …. three times a lady!!!

Because wouldn’t it a bitch if you hit a zombie/killer/ Buffalo Bill as hard as you can then you begin to run away and they grab your leg and pull you down and start strangling the living day lights outta you?!?!?

Haven’t we learned anything from movies?? They are there for a reason. Movies predict a time when Jasons, Micheal Myers, and zombies will roam. Preparation is key.

Double Tap people!!

Always double tap!!

I saw a saying tagged on a truck on my way to work. The tagger wrote, “the strong will survive”. He knows whats up!

Inform yourself!! Watch movies!! Learn new methods to defeat the enemies!!

Shitting in your pants is not an option!!!

That or buy a taser gun!!!

I yearn for… for …. for zombies….

During these wonderful holidays  family visited often and I was able to trick some of my family members.

One family member reported that they ran across an article online of a case involving rabies somewhere in the south. It was the first rabies account on a  human in many years. I have no idea why the hell she told us girls that. Maybe to fill the awkward silences of conversations, I don’t know. I mean you only can only complain about men for so long

So I turned around all stone faced and told my sister-in-law and her sister that this was indeed serious.

I said, “Every one knows that if the rabies virus isn’t taken care of, humans can become zombies. Flesh eating monsters are no joke!”

I expected to get a laugh outta that… cause I am such a jokester.

Alas, their mouths hung open and they stared at me. After awhile, they started to reason that it was true!!!

One said,” Well yea that’s true. Dogs wanna attack and eat human flesh. (HUH??) They foam at the mouth, their eyes turn red (What??? Zombies not vampires!!), and they are extremely angry!”


I wouldn’t call a zombie angry. I would a call a zombie more carnivorous, leaning toward ‘I am so hungry, I can eat a horse’ hungry!

Actually more like a pregnant woman as soon as she wakes up. If she doesn’t eat in the next five minutes, the mother fucking house is gonna burn down!!

You know what I am talking about. There were times I remember I was so hungry and when the anger was rising up, I swear I spit fire!

Zombies are not pist off. They don’t have daddy issues;  their jobs don’t suck because there is no corporate ladder to climb as a zombie. They are dead!!! Oh excuse me…. they are the undead. Dead but not quite. Like 50/50.

Animals that have rabies aren’t dead!! They aren’t the undead coming back to life. Its an infection in the brain!! And the end result is that rabies kill!


I watch these girls continue the conversation without me talking about how becoming a zombie is so possible now.

 What the fuck!! I mean… normally I would  jump on any bandwagon that included zombies especially if it meant it was now more than ever of great importance to use my entire credit card to purchase the badass 1911 pistol.

 Fuck the credit card because we are all gonna die anyway.

 However, even I know (sadly) that zombies don’t exist. And rabies are not the starting point.

Or is it….

No no it’s just not possible. It has to be man-made! Fuck!! We can’t even cure zits how the hell we gonna make a zombie virus!!!

I mentioned this whole conversation later to the hubs. He couldn’t believe that I actually said someone needed to create this zombie virus. He asked if I was some kind of monster or something.  Zombie? No! Monster? Maybe.


A zombie apocalypse is just what we need. It would certain liven 2012 up. How many of us would be forced on a exercise plan in order to flee from zombie. America would no longer be the fat country of the world!

 Just imagine eating flesh, brain eating, moaning, dancing the Thriller dance….

I need something til Walking Dead comes back on.


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