I, MarinaSleeps, have tested the boundaries and limits of my co-workers. I almost led them to going postal… on me.
YeahI did that!
I got on people’s’ nerves! And you can do it to. Just follow my free easy steps and I will assure you that you will be on your way to being the jerk everyone KNOWS and
1. Involve yourself in a discussion you know nothing about
And do it often. If you are new at this, you may need a little help. Doing this sober is only to cause you to hang back and look like an amateur. You need to get hammered. Pour a bottle of Bailey’s in your coffee or Vodka in your water. Whatever you need to do, do it to get hammered. This way you wont be afraid to show your ignorance. You soon will discover once the room starts spinning that you have VERY STRONG VIEWS on everything. You’ll be a WEALTH of information. You’ll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.
2. Make Things Up
Suppose your co workers are talking about Bangkok’s economy (again something you know nothing about) and you are trying to that Bangkokians (is that right? Oh well fuck it.. Hell yeah It Is!!) are underpaid. This is all based on the fact that you are UNDERPAID so hell yea you got an opinion even if it has nothing at all to do with the topic at hand. Plus, you will be damned if the people of Bangkok are doing better than you.
Don’t say: I think the people of Bangkok are underpaid.
Say: Say instead: “The average Bangkokian’s salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level.”
I don’t know but it sounds awesome. Always make up exact figures. And if you are asked where you got that info from… make that up also. Say: “This information comes from Dr. Samuel L. Dell’s study for the Scotch Report published on May 7, 1982. Didn’t you read it?” Say that in the same tone of voice you would use to say, “You left your shit covered underwear in my bathroom.”
3. Use Words that are Meaningless but Sound Important and Weighty
First memorize this:
Let me put it this way
In terms of
As it were
So to speak
Also, memorize some Latin abbreviations like “i.e.” and “e.g” which are all short for “Naa Naa Naa Naa Na I can speak Latin and you can’t.”
Add these words in any part of your sentence. For instance, say: Let me put it to you this way. In terms of the ratio vis-a-vis cheese dip qua tostados, there would need to be an even amount so to speak but there is an always lack of cheese per se, as it were. Ergo, ipso facto, case closed. E.G.
No one could give a possible retort to that.
4. Use an abundance of irrelevant comebacks.
- You’re begging the question
- Don’t Compare apples to oranges
- What are your parameters?
That last one is extremely important because I don’t think anyone knows what parameters are other than engineers.
And also don’t forget the classic: You’re so linear.
Here is how to use these babies….
You say: As JFK said in 1969…
Coworker: JFK died1963.
You say: You’re begging the question
You say: Mexicans like most Europeans…
Coworker: Mexicans aren’t Europeans.
You say: You’re just being defensive.
You say: Since the invention of electricity….
Coworker: Electricity is not an invention.
You say: Well DUH!
5. And to really drive your point across… Compare people to Hitler
This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say, “That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say,” or “You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler.
My favorite is: He has a Hitler-esque thing going for him.
Follow these instructions closely.
Only then can you get a paid leave of absence without even asking for time off!