In the room where I sleep … my thoughts overflow.

Archive for the ‘Work’ Category

How To Be Really Annoying At Work

I, MarinaSleeps, have tested the boundaries and limits of my co-workers. I almost led them to going postal… on me.

YeahI did that!

I got on people’s’ nerves! And you can do it to. Just follow my free easy steps and I will assure you that you will be on your way to being the jerk everyone KNOWS and LOVES despises.

1. Involve yourself in a discussion you know nothing about

And do it often. If you are new at this, you may need a little help. Doing this sober is only to cause you to hang back and look like an amateur. You need to get hammered. Pour a bottle of Bailey’s in your coffee or Vodka in your water. Whatever you need to do, do it to get hammered.  This way you wont be afraid to show your ignorance. You soon will discover once the room starts spinning that you have VERY STRONG VIEWS on everything.  You’ll be a WEALTH of information. You’ll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.

2.  Make Things Up

Suppose your co workers are talking about Bangkok’s economy (again something you know nothing about) and you are trying to  that Bangkokians (is that right? Oh well fuck it.. Hell yeah It Is!!) are underpaid. This is all based on the fact that you are UNDERPAID so hell yea you got an opinion even if it has nothing at all to do with the topic at hand.  Plus, you will be damned if the people of Bangkok are doing better than you.

Don’t say: I think the people of Bangkok are underpaid.

Say: Say instead: “The average Bangkokian’s salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level.”

What?!

I don’t know but it sounds awesome. Always make up exact figures.  And if you are asked where you got that info from… make that up also.  Say: “This information comes from Dr. Samuel L. Dell’s study for the Scotch Report published on May 7, 1982. Didn’t you read it?” Say that in the same tone of voice you would use to say, “You left your shit covered underwear in my bathroom.”

3. Use Words that are Meaningless but Sound Important and Weighty

First memorize this:

Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
Ipso facto
Ergo
So to speak

Also, memorize some Latin abbreviations like “i.e.” and “e.g”  which are all short for “Naa Naa Naa Naa Na I can speak Latin and you can’t.”

Add these words in any part of your sentence. For instance, say: Let me put it to you this way. In terms of the ratio vis-a-vis cheese dip qua tostados,  there would need to be an even amount so to speak but there is an always lack of cheese per se, as it were. Ergo, ipso facto, case closed. E.G.

No one could give a possible retort to that.

4. Use an abundance of irrelevant comebacks.

Crap like:

 

  • You’re begging the question
  • Don’t Compare apples to oranges
  • What are your parameters?

That last one is extremely important because I don’t think anyone knows what parameters are other than engineers.

And also don’t forget the classic: You’re so linear.

Here is how to use these babies….

You say: As JFK said in 1969…

Coworker: JFK died1963.

You say: You’re begging the question

You say: Mexicans like most Europeans…

Coworker: Mexicans aren’t Europeans.

You say: You’re just being defensive.

You say: Since the invention of electricity….

Coworker: Electricity is not an invention.

You say: Well DUH!

5.  And to really drive your point across… Compare people to Hitler

This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say, “That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say,” or “You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler.

My favorite is: He has a Hitler-esque  thing going for him.

Follow these instructions closely.

Only then can you get a paid leave of absence without even asking for time off!

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This Just In: Mondays are More Depressing than We Thought

I cursed the day this morning. As soon as I heard the alarm, I heard the most horrible livid words come spewing out of my mouth.

Me? The Saint.

I know right? I am just as surprised as you. Mother fucking Monday ruining my day.

Mondays make it hard for a me to smile. In fact, I probably won’t smile until 11:18 A.M. and not a minutes less.

Studies show that I am going to arrive  late to work and actually work only 3 hours.  I am fucking screwed today people!! All because it’s a Monday.

I figured that there has to be way…. there has to be a way to beat the negativity that Mondays bring.

Work is my tribe.  I spend more time here then I do at home (someone needs to fix that!!). I need to reconnect with these people cause though, I hate the majority of them, they are still my tribe. We  are essentially cavemen in city suits.  And we are experiencing this Monday together.

Sure there are some I would let the Saber tooth tiger of life eat like the crazy always cheerful receptionist in Admin who I think is high on Meth and not the supposed “high on God” she so claims.

Perhaps I need to linger around the ole coffee pot and connect. You know, feel part of the tribe.

But oh God, there is “Dipweed” of Purchasing that sooooooooooo wants to tell you about his weekend. He stands there staring at you with his goofy smile, watching you prepare the shit you call coffee but can actually fuel a 18 wheeler.

He asks how was your weekend. I know he doesn’t really wanna know about my weekend…. I answer him anyways counting down in my head how long it will take him to interrupt me…

1…2…3…

“That’s great… we had a barbecue this weekend. Had the in-laws over. You know how that goes… my daughter said the cutest thing…. blah blah blah…”

Why isn’t this coffee poison?!?!

 And after that … well its all down hill after that.

The next few hours are for remorse…. remorse and regret about not fully enjoying the weekend, not taking more naps, not watching more tv, not appreciating the bed/sofa/refrig.

Monday …. you suck. No matter how I try to see it you are trouble. You bring more days just like you!  You remind me how short life is and how I can’t do it because I am too busy doing the responsibilities you bring in!!  It’s the longest day of the week; it’s a proven scientific fact. Each second is .88892% longer. Just because it’s Monday.

Plus I heard that Monday eats small children, puppies, and little people.

So Optimistic I Wanna Kill Someone

Oh God… it’s Monday.

Even though I don’t want to be “here” I am still giving it my all. I am still a good mood. I am not taking out my internal anger on how the weekend flew by so fast on anyone here.

So here  I am happy and working at the office.

Then shit just got real!

Shit hit the fan.

And now I am royally pist that I wanna take my stapler and beat some people over the head with it.

I notice that one of the vendors is bringing in some donuts.

Preferably, I don’t care for sweets. I just don’t. If you made me choose between a steak and cake I will always pick the steak. Every time. We, in the office, see the vendor walking in and all I say is, “Man I wish he had brought some breakfast tacos. My stomach can’t handle sugar this morning.”

As soon as the vendor walks in I greet him and my co-worker throws me under the bus saying, “Tell him what you said.”

I was like what the fuck are you doing…

He goes and ahead and says that I said the old vendor used to bring in breakfast tacos.

Mother fucker!!

Are you kidding me? Are we in high school???

Then the ass hole co-worker tells me that now the vendor will bring breakfast tacos like if it was some sort of little plan he and I were in on!!

I did not say that. I didn’t even imply anything rude or mean. I didn’t even say it in a bitchy tone. If you know me, you will know that there isn’t any bitchiness in me.

Then the vendor goes and tells my boss. Oh they laugh it off like its a big joke.

I should never have opened my stupid mouth. I have no idea what is holding me back from spearing my co-worker in the eye with my purple BIC round stic Grip pen.

Then my boss asks me where a certain file it. I ask him what year it was done in. It was last year so I point him in the direction of  the 2011 files. Well he can’t find it so I get up and look for it. Then he gets exasperated and takes it upon himself to label all MY shit.

I spend the whole morning trying to find the damn folder come to find out that it wasn’t done last year but in 2010. It was his project you think he would know that. He has been here long enough, you would think he would know the system that THEY created and I just follow.

Then he feels like I am too messy and must label everything on my desk so he can find stuff. Nothing on my desk belongs to him!! I have nothing for him. The project folder was in the correct place according to year.

This is all just part of their plan to own me business-ly speaking… if that makes sense.

And I refuse. I refuse to be their little woman, their pet, their anything. I just work here and that’s all I wanna do. They seem to forget that I am the only women here and that my emotions can and will run wild. And if I ever was to murder them I would do it while I was on period. Women have got off for murder because they have pleaded temporary insanity.

We all can agree that we don’t need the only female in the office to go postal. God forbid, THOSE guys would have to actually do some work!!

So here I am clenching my fists, grinding my teeth trying to stay away from anything sharp.

Just breathe, smile…. its not everyone’s fault that you are surrounded by dumb asses.

Breathe….. smile….. breathe…..

Traffic- A Post About Whatever

Every morning as I get onto Interstate 10 to make my 40 minute commute to the other side of town I must deal with horrific traffic.

It’s always bumper to bumper. And for some reason, there are always areas that are the worse. Everyone seems to go to extremely slow in certain parts. And then there is always some accident, some fender bender, that slows up the whole process.

You know the purpose of traffic??

The government invented it to thin out the herd.

Its true… I blame everything on the government. However, until the government starts releasing information on whether aliens are real or not, George Bush Jr’s IQ scores, or what really is behind the Declaration of Independence, they will always be a suspect!!

So back to what I was saying… Oh yea… traffic and how it’s all part of the government’s plan to control population.

The USA can’t just come out and go all China on us. Who wants to be like China?? Not us!!

So instead of commanding how many babies you can have, they think of ingenious ways that we can or will off ourselves.

What is more life threatening than traffic?!?!

Death does a three-way with traffic.

Yes there is sex in everything!!

First, traffic gets so crazy it affects us physically. Thus we create accidents. Traffic will enrage us because a) a slow dumbass is in the fast lane b)18 wheelers are part of traffic c)someone is always running late.

And due to traffic, we will make mistakes. And those mistakes will cost us… dearly. And then we will be dealing with the traffic into getting heaven. But that’s all whole different conspiracy!

We will change lanes too suddenly without warning or the classic move where we are riding someone’s ass and BAM! we smashed into them.

It’s all part of the plan.

You die and that is one less person the government has to worry about. The population gets thinner every morning.

The other way traffic is psychologically.

Its gets into our mind man. Traffic will infuriate us making us become natural-born killers. We start to think evilly.

Case in point: Yesterday morning as I was approaching the exit to get on the interstate, I saw the massive traffic jam. And then I thought, if there are so many accidents every morning, why is there still traffic?

I, and I am ashamed to admit it, was thinking if half of these people were gone, there would be no traffic! Getting to work would be a walk in the park!!

Traffic got into my mind… and my soul!!

God damn traffic.

I wished everyone dead.

Why?

Just so I could to work.

Fuck work!!

Work can wait.

Its time we take back America folks!

We need to smash this greed and evil that lurks on the corners of highways!

I plan to plant sunflowers in every part of the freeway!!

Then maybe, start putting hobos to work holding inspirational signs reminding us to love and think of peace.

Maybe we can join hands in the morning and sing songs by The Byrds and Jefferson Airplane!

Ok Ok, you got me. I am trying to bring back the 60’s.

However, we can all agree that traffic is still the devil.

What’s the Deal- The Spirit of Looking Better than Everyone Else

So, I am here at work and I totally forgot that I was committed to this committee thing of Community Service and getting our company involved.

How can I say this?

Pompous pricks!

Well not all of them, just the majority of them.

Ok so through this group we have organized a can food drive that went off successful. We now in the promise of having a Christmas tree filled with names of children and their mothers from a local shelter. And also tomorrow, we plan to have our Thanksgiving feast and we are hosting soldiers lunch tomorrow.

So yes this little group of five has pulled some shit out of their ass, yet the shit that comes outta their mouths during these meetings makes me wanna yell and throw over the table.

I suggested for next yea we should do a walk for the cure thing, as a company. Then the Vice President was all like well its sad because I heard that some of the profit goes to places that are pro abortion.

And everyone was like yea… we can’t do that.

OMG you fucking …… Just because you all are god damn republican Christian slaves

First off, are you serious??  Is that based on here say??  So you are telling me that charity solely known for raising money for cancer patients also funds abortion clinics or planned parent hoods?

For the record, I am pro-choice. Thats just my thinking. Doesn’t mean I would have an abortion my self but I feel its in a woman’s right to choose. However, I am throwing my satanic views on them. No!!!

Then my VP suggested that we give awards on people who gave the most to the community or others in the company.  This is attempt to get more people eager to win an award so they will do their utmost to be more giving.

Does anyone think this a bit stupid? For lack a better word, I  feel that this competition just seems to be fixed to me. Who is gonna win??? Everyone that has money in the company. Let me just say that I could give a rat’s ass if I win, but its a given if you have money you can give the most. You can spend the most.

One sales girl was all, “Maybe we should a put a limit on how much we spend on the gift tree for the kids and their moms. I don’t wanna embarrass anyone with my gifts.”

Are you kidding me????

We don’t even know what these kids are gonna ask for! You gonna buy them a Xbox?!?!?

Like my VP went on the say the canned food drive was due to end and purchased $100 worth of food and ultimately his side won the canned food drive.

I just wanna beat people with a thorny stick today.

I mean the spirit of giving is here… but in a very assholery kind of way!

Just a Reminder that Work is for Shenanigans

If you are like me…. you are working hard for your money working in some form or another … am I right?

So some of us come here to rest…

Don’t judge.

If you are like me… you wanna make the best out of the situation.

I wish I could show you proof of the pranks I have pulled. I am an idiot and I never took pictures…

FUCK!

Recently, we set up a realistic mouse and spider and scared the shit out of anyone coming to our side of the building.  There is also a guy that hoards his root beer. You can offer him money, and he still won’t share. So I decorated all root beer can in Budweiser labels. I was able to drink them for two weeks before he realized that they were actually his root beer.

There is this annoying Red Sox fan who has his entire cube decorated in Red Sox stuff took a month to realize that we tampered with his stuff. Like putting mustaches on his posters and a dead cockroach in his mini model of the Pen Way park.

The root beer guy gets a lot of shit from me…. he has special place in my heart I guess.  His window was smashed in by some high winds…. over a seven months ago!

And he has yet to fix it!!

So I decorated it for him.

Hey …. there is some down time.

And I am glad I am not the only one who is in the mood for shenanigans.

Wordless Wednesday- An UN-Likely Sanctuary

Believe it or not … I love my desk. It used to be a lot more organized until I said I had nothing to do and they changed my position entirely and now I have more work then kingdom come!!

But I love it… its my desk. Its my safe zone. Its where I keep all my pencils and my new desk decorations. I am currently still looking for desk decorations.

One of these days I will get it looking great …. again.

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