In the room where I sleep … my thoughts overflow.

Archive for the ‘Tongue and Cheek’ Category

A Petition For Your Help- Save the Biebs

People of the world,

I write today to urge, to plead with you in helping me save Justin Bieber.  If you not aware, a recent attempt on his life was foiled by police. A convicted felon and his nephew plotted to kidnap, torture, castrate and finally kill Justin Bieber.  The evil men intended to have the kidnapping take place in late November as Justin played two sold-out shows at New Your City‘s Madison Square Garden.

That is too close for comfort people!! Justin Bieber is a national treasure and he is very cute. Perhaps when he was younger he was a bit annoying to some. However now that he is legal ….  grown up and matured he has really crossed barriers and made a mark on our culture. Did I mention he is cute?

mgid uma video mtv.com 820040

Can you imagine this young cutie hurt? I can’t. I didn’t even like the mock beating he received in one of his recent music videos!! Honestly, he is just a kid. Who would want to hurt a kid?? A very cute kid who is legal and very cute and also very legal. Did I mention he was legal?
And also, I have a big problem with someone who wants to destroy all the little Bieber babies Justin may make one day?? I want my children’s children’s children to enjoy the fruits from Justin’s loins for as long as they can be…. er … fruitful. May the fruit be bountiful!!
So today I am asking that at the end this post, you leave a comment in your protest that we need a better way to preserve Justin, our dancing singing treasure. I feel that the only way to justify this horrific situation is that President Obama send some secret service to protect Justin Bieber.  We need some gentlemen with the mentality that they may need to take a bullet, or a castration for the Biebs.  In this way they will be doing their country a big honor!
I know that some may be feel a bit skeptical seeing how Justin wears his pants…
justin-bieber-2012-victoria-s-secret-fashion-show-inside-31but perhaps we can get the secret service to help with that matter too.
Again, thank you for your time and interest in something that is very dear to my heart. Oh yea and for my 7-year-old daughter as well. She would “just die” if something happened to him.  And remember Justin IS   legal!
keep-calm-and-love-the-biebs-126
Thank you,
Marina Sleeps

Dear Women of the Nation

Dear Women of the Nation,

 

I would like this time to express my condolences to our gender. A part of us died this week and I feel I need to bring attention to it.

For many years, our great great great grandmothers like Susan B Anthony fought for our rights and our equality. Somehow that great respect has been tarnished.

What am I talking about? Well, let me tell you a story.

The setting: Erwin, Tennessee.  The year: 2001.

A mother by the name of Mysti Potter was teaching her 3-year-old daughter to drive.

Yes! Her 3-year-old daughter.

Hmmm, why would you need to teach your 3-year-old to drive?? Ohhhh, maybe so she could run down to the store and get her mother a pack of cigarettes!! Totally makes sense.

Flash back to 2012:  Mysti’s daughter, at age 14, set off  driving a stolen car lead police in a two-state high-speed chase.

People I can’t even make this shit up! I can’t. I tried.

It gets better!!

Mysti’s daughter (unnamed BECAUSE SHE’S 14!) stole a friend’s mom’s Jeep and had actually picked her mother up so Mysti could get a pack of cigarettes. Mysti didn’t know the Jeep was stolen and WAS surprised her daughter elected for a high-speed chase — since she’s ALWAYS told her to pull over if the police flag her down.

Well now, how did the daughter not heed her mother’s advice?? Maybe since she has been driving since she was 3, she freaked out being pursued by a cop.

I really like how the mother doesn’t seem surprised at all. She was just chilling on the news smoking a cigarette.  Like if it was always a matter of time he daughter was going to be on a high-speed chase through two states!!

Really, what can you say? I am at a loss for words.

And you would think it would end there. That a woman with a IQ of 50 would be a once in a million thing.

I am sorry to disappoint you all… but there are more.

A Providence, Rhode Island woman was arrested Tuesday night by Rhode Island State Police troopers after she allegedly rear-ended them while drunk.

Ok, that is pretty stupid. No… that’s fucking retarded.  The only other thing she could have done that would be labeled as mentally insane would be to walk into a police station shouting that she was hammered!!

Of course, the police pull her over. And what do they find?

The woman had her two young children in the car at the time she did it, but luckily they were not injured.   A breath test showed her blood alcohol level was three times the legal limit.

So… to recap… a woman drunk as hell reams a cop car with two children in her car. And she wasn’t even a little drunk. She was like Hangover Part 3: Reaming into to Cop Cars drunk!

The 32-year-old mother’s  3-month-old was in a booster seat (Booster????!!!!!) but the seat wasn’t connected to the car and wasn’t properly restrained.  The 6-year-old was not restrained in any way.

SMH!!!

I am so glad she hardly ever (HARDLY EVER… so not never) drives drunk with her kids.

What the hell??

Everything is just going to hell!! I actually fear for the future. Hopefully I don’t make it pass 30 years old.  It’s just too scary out there.

We all need to form a group and not only get these kids outta these environments, but we also need a way to confiscate these women’s ovaries! Stop mass producing women!! Just stop it! I beg you!!

Can we do it? Can we confiscate women’s ovaries? Think how many kids we could save!!

So  while I try to figure out how to commence Save the Ovaries from Stupid Women 2012, watch this:

Will is the only other person that feels as I do!!

 

 

THE DAY AFTER… the dentist

I bet you are dying to know what happened with my visit to the dentist. I know the suspense is killing you!

So I won’t hold back this valuable information any longer.

So here we go… yesterday. A day at the dentist’s office.

I had no trouble finding the place. Gus (The Hubs) was their previously a few weeks before . The office was currently under construction and was adding an addition building to the place so parking was a little confusing.

Once I found the place, it was enormous.

Inside the building, it was overwhelming.

Who is their decorator, I wondered. I got to get their number. It was so beautiful and sophisticated looking. It was not at all how a dentist office should look. Right away the beauty and sophistication made me nervous. What are they hiding??

A dentist office should put it all out there.They need to decorate to show the pain that will occur in the next few minutes.

They immediately put me on a computer to sign in and fill out forms. I was blown away by this. Is this how all dentist offices are? Is everything all high-tech?? Could I log onto Twitter with this machine?

Dentist office sure ask a lot of questions. They ask the important ones like if you have any diseases, if you are allergic to anything, are you currently taking any medicines? These I understand. The rest I was thrown off by.

Have you had any neck or head injuries?

Uhhh not that I remember.

Do you have any back pain?

Yes… what does this have-

Does your mother know you are gay?

What? Of course she doesn’t!!

When was your last sexual encounter?

Uhhhhhh

You need to have more sex with Gus.

That’s not even a question, wait… did Gus rig this??

Finally I was called.

I swear I panicked when I saw the dentist nurse. She was so little!! Smaller than me!!! And lucky me got her on her very first day!!

Granted, I gave her the benefit of the day cause we all have been there. We all had a first day.

But when it came to x-ray-ing… I sure didn’t like being the guinea pig.  She put this weird mouth piece in my mouth and I had to bite down on it in all angles of my mouth while she tried to take pics. The piece was making me gag. I was finding the urge to puke all over the seat.

FYI… I am not a puker… but I can’t handle anything in my mouth for long periods of time. I don’t what it is. It’s just a reflex … either swallow or puke it out. That is probably why I eat so fast.

The girl took a hundred pics. Seriously. I was about to get off the seat and do it for her!

Alas the doctor came in. A dude. And I must say he was the most nicest doctor I have ever met. Like seriously, he wanted to know everything about me. Everything. I felt loved.

The only thing is he asked all these questions as he was in my mouth. Why do they do that???

But if you know me, I am never one to run from a conversation. So yes, I answered him. But it come out more muffled and slobbery.

Hmmm hbrisdfjhmmmm sdjjfgm.

That is what I said. A bunch of times.

And he would keep talking to me. He must understand this dentistry lingo.

Finally he was outta my mouth…

2 cavities, one tooth that needed a crown and one dislocated jaw.

Wait… what??

A dislocated jaw??

He made it seem like it was no big deal. Sure everyone has to cut up their food in  smaller bites and take apart their hamburgers  bit by bit.

He said it was  something he could not fix.

I feel like a horse… someone should seriously put me down. I will be damned if I can’t eat a double meat with cheese and bacon correctly!

Sighhhhh….. major bummer. My life in those five minutes forever altered. If I had anything going for me, it was that I was this tiny petite girl  could eat steaks and double meat burgers in seconds. Now?It could take up to 20 minutes to eat. Who has this time????!!!!

I am still trying to figure out how this could have happen.  I think I would remember a car accident or getting nailed in the jaw.

And now that explains why there is a slight pain in my jaw at times.

I am going to apply for a disabled sticker…. that way I can get all the best parking. Hello… I am handicapped!! My jaw is dislocated!!

The disability office needs to understand how this has changed my life.

I can no longer eat burgers like a normal human being. Key word: normal. Me: disabled!

I can’t take punches to the jaw anymore. And I was always down for getting down at bars!!!

And sadly….

I sadly can’t keep my mouth open for  more than a few minutes.

Once I relayed the information to the hubs, he was deeply saddened by that last one especially. His quality time is suspended for as long as I can milk it!!

The only thing is if he sees me eat a massive burger the way I am not supposed to he is going to make sacrifice in other areas!!

Must listen to doctor orders!!

Wordless Wednesday- (Facebook) Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

I don’t have a Facebook.

Part of me doesn’t want one. I can not handle people that I went to school with trying to reach me. Seriously. I see old classmates and I duck and run. I am constantly checking the local arrest photos secretly hoping to run into a photo of someone I knew from high school.

I am evil … no need to tell me twice.

But when I see instances like these it kinda makes me wanna join Facebook to see these retards first hand.

Its like you don’t wanna be a part of the car wreck but you don’t mind watching from a  safe distance. Hopefully the people in these depictions are in that wrecked car.

Is there such things as too much information?

You may not know this but your pain is funny.

What is that face you make when you are Twitter stunned?

O0

-

Something like that.

All I can say is this status definitely wins Most Likely to Have the Cops Called.

Hey self-righteous chick, its the truth! If anything the positivity should be applauded even if it sounds trashy!

Yikes! That premature ejaculation is always a kicker.

I’m appalled that no one mentioned the good sense that occurs on Facebook every so often!

Never piss off someone who can not spell!

Whoa people of Facebook! The only winner here is Jason!

Round of applause for Jason!!

So there you have it… a sample of  sweet technology being used to air out all your dirty laundry.

Just make sure to air it out a safe distance from the general population!

Wordless Wednesday- The Kids Ain’t Alright… or Are They?

I hate when people compare the kids in our nation to others kids in other countries. That is just messed up y’all.

So what if China is smarter than us… so what?? USA is still top dawg!!

Wow… I think that sentence alone just demonstrated our ultimate doom.

If that didn’t… this will for sure will.

Ok so technically this is incorrect. Technically. Yet, I would reckon that  STDs do make a person sad.

I don’t know about any of you guys but this kid right here has a strong personality. If you didn’t know, that is something very valuable in our line of politics. I can just see this kid becoming a senator… then having an affair, lying about it, then being acquitted of using funds inappropriately to take care of his mistress and love child.

When in doubt …. I don’t know… fucking guess!

Could the sudden decline of our kids because of our parenting??

I can’t say. This could have been about me except I’m actually 77 feet and a half.

Blasphemy!! May the gods have mercy on this child’s soul!

You don’t take away a parent’s right to drink!! What would be the purpose of getting up the morning?!?!?

Maybe the problem is that we are setting up our kids to fail. We should all know our limits. Like this kid.

That’s exactly why I am not a nurse. That and I really don’t like people. Or touching them.

Ummmmm….. staying positive all the time. Other countries could learn from this. Despite problems, you can keep your life upbeat and very colorful.

Never let people question you!

This teacher is definitely a hippie. I never have been punched in the vajay jay but I have punched someone there. It was no picnic for them. Trust me!!

Clap…. Clap …. Clap….

 I don’t about any of you guys but I learned that our kids are very realistic. Maybe we don’t know what x-x(2) is but we got street smarts…. hell we can hustle our way through life!

Our kids are keeping things in perspective. They get the point of life… obviously! STDs suck, we get our parents …generally, and sometimes the most important things are the little things … (sea horses over barnacles!).

Team America … Fuck Yea!

HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF

This list was not created by… sadly… but I discovered it… so that means something right.

HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF

  1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
  2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors.”
  3. Specify that your drive-through order is “TO-GO.”
  4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
  5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
  6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
  7. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what you think.”
  8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
  9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc” them to your boss.
  10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
  11. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”
  12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
  13. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.
  14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
  15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
  16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
  17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
  18. Honk and wave to strangers.
  19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
  20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
  21. type only in lowercase.
  22. dont use any punctuation either
  23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
  24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
    “DO YOU HEAR THAT?”
    “What?”
    “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
  25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
  26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “No, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.
  27. Ask people what gender they are.
  28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
  29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
  30. Sing along at the opera.
  31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
  32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”

 

I really wanna do some of these. Like really….

While You Were Partying/Getting Hammered/ Throwing Up I Was Digging Up Some News

This weekend… I read.  And I don’t mean looked at comic books. I read some interesting stuff and I thought … use this in a blog enlighten the masses that were too busy living during the weekend.

Wait… I did go balls to the wall at K-Mart over kids clothing. Oh yea…. gangsta!!

I am sure you all  saw the important news  like the  secret service getting in trouble for getting some ass in Brazil or somewhere or the fact that it was 100 year-anniversary for the Titanic.

Well, I am here to show you the news that you didn’t see. The kind of news you gotta dig through the important stuff to find.

You know what I am talking about??

The filth.

  1. Help Find the Man who Impregnated Woman in Megadeth/Motorhead Concert Bathroom

 

If you ain’t getting laid and impregnated at a concert, then I can only assume your concert experience must suck!!  This woman had the ultimate experience which she shared… with the world…. on Craigslist.

A woman who was impregnated in a bathroom at a Megadeth/Motorhead concert took to Craigslist’s Missed Connection section to find the father.

The post which was so rightfully titled: Did we hook up at at the Megadeth/Motorhead concert? -w4m-28 (Aragon Ballroom)-  the anonymous woman goes on to write:

“Me: Blue hair, silver tube top, fishnets, Knee high black biker boots.
You: Red mohawk, black pentagram gauges, viper piercings.

I was grinding on you in the pit, then we went to the bathroom, and got fucked up. You had a nice cock and I was wasted so I let [you] raw dog it in the stall. You were really good and you had to gag me so I would make too much noise. 

Anyway I’m pregnant. It’s yours. contact me if you want to be part of your child’s life.”

Bringing people together.... that's what it's all about

I had to look up raw dogging. Well that explains the child.

Man, this is the most heartbreaking post I’ve seen all day. Email c9kpp-2948959310@pers.craigslist.org if you have any leads.

2. What the Hell is a Hipster??

After doing research,I still don’t know. Something about men and women typically in their 20′s and 30′s that value independent thinking, counter-culture, progressive politics, an appreciation of art and indie-rock, creativity, intelligence, and witty banter.

So like the kids from Dawson’s Creek? Remember that show? Who understood those high school??!?!!? I had to use a dictionary when I watched that show!!

Shut up and have sex!

 

And this what they look like….

Is it cold where these hipsters live cause they always have scarves? If we aren’t careful, these hipsters will put hair stylists outta business BY NOT USING THEM.

I hope I clarified something.

3. Mel Gibson… again!!!

The story goes that Mel Gibson acquired the writing abilities of Joe Eszterhas (who made such work of arts like Showgirls, Flashdance and Basic Instinct).  The plan was create the a movie called  The Maccabees,” a project envisioned as “a Jewish ‘Braveheart’” to be produced and possibly directed by Gibson and written by Eszterhas.

Apparently the studio nor Gibson liked the script written.

The idea of the movie was being condemned because it was viewed insensitive of Gibson who had made anti-Semetic remarks and allegations of domestic violence — to make a film about Maccabee, whose revolt against the Seleucid Empire is the catalyst for the holiday of Hanukkah.

But the heat will get hotter thanks to allegations made by Eszterhas who accuses Gibson of using the film “to deflect continuing charges of anti-Semitism” against him, and that he had no intention of making the film. “I’ve come to the conclusion that the reason you won’t make The Maccabees is the ugliest possible one,” Eszterhas reputedly writes. “You hate Jews.”

Ezsterhas then goes on to list a series of exchanges he allegedly had with Gibson in which the Oscar-winning director called Jews “Hebes,” “oven-dodgers,” and “Jewboys,” and calling into question the veracity of the Holocaust. The letter also alleges Gibson threatened to have ex-girlfriend Oksana Gregorieva killed.

Ezsterhas said that Gibson stated that the holocaust was basically like a big lie. And that he recently befriended two former FBI agents who would do Oksana in for Mel.

We all know Mel Gibson is crazy.

But this is just crazy right? This is social suicide if any of this is true.

No wait …. those rants where!

So there you have it. My work is complete. All I ask is that you pay me in food and sweet tarts.

You may return to CNN or Nancy Grace.

 

Wordless Wednesday: I Don’t Want to Live On This Planet Anymore

Thanks to James Cameron (seriously James stop!!) we get to have Titanic be re-released in 3D!!

Uhhhhh… yay??

Wow…. I can think of a billion things off the top of my head that I would rather do then see Titanic.

Again!

1. Cut my toe nails

2.  Super glue my self to vagina

3. Organize my stamp collection.

  4. Chew gum

But this post isn’t about me…. nooooo. It’s about other dumb people. Yes!! Other dumb people who tweet.

After reading this…. you might need a hug.

There are no words for this.

I mean… how? Who? What?

(Shakes head)

The End of the World is Coming: Repent!!!

Yesterday at approximately 8:15pm, my city was hit with an earth quake.

I am telling the truth.

Though I didn’t feel anything while I was vacuuming, this little nature terrorist attack has changed me completely. That 2.5 shake knocked some much-needed sense into me.

This revelation came to me as stared at the ceiling fan above waiting for the aftershocks to cause the fan to fall and crush me: THE END OF THE WORLD IS COMING!

 I realized that I have been blinded all these years. And I see the light. I need to get my ass saved and fast. And who better to save my soul then…

No No… not him.

I need to follow the Mayans!!!

It all makes sense. They lived thousands of years ago. They predicted the world would end. They probably also predicted the earthquake last night.

So last night while you were watching the Bachelor/masturbating/refreshing the soil on your Mary Jane patch, I was experiencing the Mayan lawd. And now, I will begin my faith today with a bit of common practices by the great Mayan nation.

If you feel you need saving, I have dug up what we need to start doing as new Mayan members to ensure our ass is not grass.

To be a Mayan, you have to like art, architecture, and mathematical and astronomy. I suck at Math so until I am 100% I will be attending Sylvan for awhile. Also we constantly built shit like empires, kingdoms, palaces and temples so feel free to take the credit for all those.

This one is mine.

Our religion is based on religion. We believe we can tell the future and we do a lot of cloud watching. It’s all very technical.

Also we believe in human sacrifice. For reals. I am extremely excited for this part. My human sacrifice technique could use a little work. But mostly we just take out the heart of people with any anesthesia . That is totally cool.

Ain't no party like a Mayan party cause a Mayan party don't stop.

 

And for the record, we don’t sacrifice our own people. That would be cruel and inhumane. We sacrifice our neighbors. I bet you can totally think of some neighbors that need sacrificing. Think of that bastard that plays his music too loud. Think of the lady who lets her trash roll into your yard.  Sacrifice! And it’s for the good of the truth!! Mayan truth!!

For the record, we Mayans can grow shit like no body’s business!

We discovered sunflower seeds!! I love sunflower seeds. They are so addictive!

Mayan also were ahead of the fashion curve. Its true.

I’m telling you, I have never been more convinced.

I am currently making my head-dress now.

And now that I am on the saving team, I can lay back and grow sunflower seeds with a bit of peace of mind.

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