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Thursday Movie Review- Stupid Movies Rule

During my two week holiday/hiatus from life, I saw a lot of movies.

Yay!

I tried to see movies I hadn’t seen, I saw movies I had not seen in a while, and also just saw movies to pass the time. A few of the movies I saw was Ted, Friends with Benefits,  Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, The Rite, Legendary, The Eagle, and many more. However the best one for me was Your Highness.

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Most people I think would regard this movie as stupid and not even bother. However I loved it. It was funny, crude, rude, gross, and very good-looking people in it, and even a hero to root for!
It was actually a very fun movie. Sometimes you just wanna enjoy a movie.

This fantasy lowbrow comedy was directed by David Gordon Green who also directed Pineapple Express.  Pineapple Express was alright but this movie was way better.  It had the same leads as in Pineapple; James Franco and Danny McBride also staring Natalie Portman and Zooey Deschanel.

It is a blend of  genres with the sword and sorcery quest adventure combined with stoner film profanity and lowbrow humor.

Thadeous and Fabious (Danny McBride and James Franco) are sons of the King. They are warriors: Fabious is dashing and skilled and Thadeous is lazy and ineffectual.  Fabious is your typical Knight: handsome, rescues fair damsels, slays dragons and conquers evil.

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Thadeous has spent his life watching his perfect older brother Fabious  embark upon valiant journeys and win the hearts of his people. Tired of being passed over for adventure, adoration and the throne, he’s settled for a life of wizard’s weed, hard booze and easy maidens.

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When Thadeous’s bride to be gets kidnapped by an evil wizard who wants to “mate” with her to create a dragon, the brothers both on the journey to rescue her.

This movie looked like it was really fun to make.  There was lots of balls, penis, and other sexual references that were just so funny. There are parts that would totally offend people. I think those were my favorite parts. And yes there were parts that I was laughing at and covering my eyes too.  Also the dialogue was awesome! I loved every character in this movie. Especially Thadeous’s squire Courtney. He was hilarious!

Knights, wizards, trolls and fair maidens, and they were all congregated for your amusement in a fabulous comedy-adventure with quite the lustrous cast. Its very entertaining in all its vulgar and boundless sense of humor. I love the F-bombs that where everywhere.

I hope someone buys me this movie! Bonus: Natalie Portman in a thong!

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Thursday Movie Review- We Are Not Alone-Just Kidding-Maybe

You guys, aliens are real!!!

At least according to the movie The Fourth Kind.

Set in the fall of 2000 and purportedly based on actual events, The Fourth Kind stars Milla Jovovich as Dr. Abigail Tyler, a Nome, Alaska-based psychotherapist whose videotaped sessions with her patients offer the most compelling evidence of alien abduction ever documented.

Its freaking creepy. I saw this the summer it came out… alone… at night…. with only small children in their beds to protect me. And for a week straight, I was scared outta my mind.  I had seen the movie!! And even though I didn’t believe in aliens, that thought brought no comfort. I was scared because if by some crazy off-hand chance that aliens were real then I was fucked. I saw the movie… I knew their secret!!

The critics tore this movie apart. But probably cause they shit in their pants watching it!

The acting isn’t the best but the story itself is terrifying. They show actual tape footage of the people recounting the events of being taken by a strange thing (hello aliens!!).  Then it becomes like you are visiting the Exorcist!!!

First, Tyler’s husband, Will, is mysteriously murdered one night in his sleep, leaving her to raise their two children. She is left distraught and broken.

People of the town come to her with terrifying stories. Using hypnosis, Dr. Tyler  uncovers memories from her patients of alien abduction, and finds evidence suggesting that she may have been abducted as well.

The sessions with three different patients, all  have the same experience: every night they see a white owl staring at them through their windows and recount similar terrifying stories of creatures attempting to enter their homes.Throughout the film, Abbey is shown being interviewed on television during 2002, two years after the abductions occurred.

After hearing the similarities in the accounts of nightly occurrences, Abbey suspects these patients may have been victims of a non-human kidnapping. There is evidence that she herself may have been abducted when an assistant of hers gives her a tape recorder, the tape plays her voice and then there is the sound of something entering her home and attacking her. The attacker speaks in an unknown language. Abbey, though, has no memory of it.

Tyler befriends a language specialist who helps decode the unknown language.

Later, Tyler’s daughter, Ashley, is abducted. The local sheriff doesn’t believe Tyler and accuses her to be linked to her daughter’s disappearance. Tyler undergoes hypnosis in an attempt to make contact with these beings and reunite with her daughter.  Its videotaped and once hypnotized, it is revealed that Tyler witnessed the abduction of her daughter and also shows scenes of her own abduction, showing part of the abductors ship and it is hinted that they possibly took some human egg cells from Abbey as well. The camera scrambles, and Abbey begs to the alien that abducted Ashley to return her, the creature replies, saying that its own child was never returned to it and then calls its self the savior, then the father and finally ends with “I am…God”.

I have no idea what that could mean. Shivers ran through my body when I heard that part. Is it hinting that its child was taken for Jesus?

The film cuts to an interview with Tyler in which she explains that all three doctors with her were all abducted during that hypnosis session and none have memory of what happened.

Tyler then states that after the encounter she wakes up in a hospital after breaking her neck in the abduction. There,  the Sheriff  reveals that Will had actually committed suicide, showing that Abbey’s belief that he was murdered was merely a delusion. Later it is shown that Abbey is paralyzed, presumably due to her neck injury.

In the end, Tyler was never charged with anything and soon leaves Alaska for the East Coast, but still continues to search for Ashley. One of the doctors involved remains a psychologist and Odusami, the language decoder,  becomes a professor at a Canadian university. Both men, as well as the Sheriff refuse to be involved with the interview. And still, Ashley is never found. The TV host then leaves the conclusions up to the viewer.

So is any of this true??

According to a CNN story, there was a real string of disappearances in Nome. The FBI did investigate the disappearances, which took place between the 1960s and 2004, and concluded in 2006 that alcohol and harsh climate  was a  common factor in most of the disappearances.

Then the Alaska’s state examiner reported that she could not find records of an Abigail Tyler ever being licensed in any profession in Alaska. No one by that name lived in Nome in recent years, according to a search of public record databases. The president and CEO of the Alaska Psychological Association said they’ve never heard of the Alaska Psychiatry Journal (a magazine by Tyler), or of Abigail Tyler.

However what is interesting is that ufologist Budd Hopkins commissioned a survey of around 6,000 American adults regarding unusual experiences. Included were five which Hopkins and colleagues claimed were often indicative of alien abduction (the percentages in brackets indicate those who said it had happened to them at least once):

Waking up paralyzed with a sense of a strange person or presence or something else in the room [18%]

Experiencing a period of time of an hour or more in which you were apparently lost, but you could not remember why or where you had been [13%]

Feeling that you were actually flying through the air although you didn’t know how or why [10%]

Seeing unusual lights or balls of light in a room without knowing what was causing them or where they came from [8%]

Finding puzzling scars on your body and neither you nor anyone else remembering how you received them or where you got them [8%]

Three of the above items describe common symptoms of sleep paralysis. Needless to say, there is no convincing evidence for a link between any of the experiences described above and alien abduction. However, according to Hopkins, if you answered “yes” to four or five of the above items, you have probably been abducted by extraterrestrials.

So in whole, 3.7m Americans claim to have been abducted by aliens.

People … it was just a movie!! A pretty freaky one. So  I don’t know what you believe but I still don’t believe in aliens. And I still will prefer zombies to aliens any day!

Thursday Movie Review- Retarded but in a Good Way

This week thanks to a freebie at Redbox I was able to finally see Casa de mi Padre.

It stars Will Ferrell, Diego Luna, Gael Garcia Bernal and the very very very very smokin hot actress Genesis Rodriguez.

The guys co-staring with Will are pretty tasty as well.

So, Will Ferrell plays Armando Alvarez who has lived and worked on his father’s ranch in Mexico his entire life. He is just a simple rancher.  He is treated with little respect from his father, who though loves him, doesn’t see him as smart.

The father rationalizes that Armando can never run the ranch. All Armando is good for is tending to the cattle.

Oh and one more thing… the movie is all in Spanish. Like you Americanos, I have to read the English subtitles cause I don’t speak a word of Spanish.

Armando’s friends joke with him that he has never been with a woman. He acknowledges that this is true but because he has not found the right one.
The ranch encounters financial difficulties, and soon, Armando’s younger brother Raul shows up to ease his father’s woes. Raul also brings with him his new girlfriend Sonia.  It seems that Raul’s success as an international businessman means the ranch’s troubles are over as he pledges to settle all debts his father has incurred.

Armando is suspicious of the is beautiful woman and questions her and her love for his brother.  Through Sonia, he learns of her treacherous past and also the true dealings of his brother, Raul.  As expected,  Armando falls for Sonia, and Raul’s business dealings turn out to be less than legit. He is a drug dealer.

Soon Sonia becomes involved in a war with Raul and Mexico’s most feared drug lord, the mighty Onza.

And Armando is the only one who can save her and his ranch.

This movie was sooooooo damn retarded. However, I liked it. It got ripped to shreds by the critics. Of course it wasn’t Oscar worthy. It was purely for entertainment.  The humor is pretty old-school which you rarely see these days. They don’t spoon-feed the audience a lot of obvious HAW and BAHAHAHA moments which is what makes this movie clever. Loved the way it was shot, especially the cut scenes where the director really had some fun. For those of you who enjoy comedy on many different levels, this one is a must.

Casa de mi Padre is a spoof of soap operas, the ones in Latin America in particular, and westerns. If you have seen these novellas or soap operas you will know that they over-react like a mother. Scenes are drawn out more than that have too and dramatic music is overplayed and overused.  However, it’s all in good fun.  The movie does ridiculous stuff such as obvious fake backgrounds, revealing the camera crew in reflections and obviously fake animals in the scenery.

“Casa de mi Padre” is a bizarre experiment but it works. The film is played VERY seriously while insanely stupid things happen all around him. It’s very surreal and very odd–and the sort of experiment many will find baffling and unfunny. However, you got to see it as it is. And what it is trying to do.

This film is based on clichés and is predictable. It is the way Ferrel portraits his character with HIS kind of humor. Mixed with typical buildups and “one-take” shots, seen in Mexican movies and Spanish series… The facial expressions and timing makes this film. It’s not a bad film but it is a mater of taste.

I can’t help it I am a sucker for retarded things.

 

While You Were Out Trying to Figure if You Like Donkeys or Elephants, I Was Gathering Weekend News.

All women want their ultimate dream wedding whether it’s a destination wedding at Hawaii or a quiet, intimate garden wedding. Some want traditional and some want modern and sophisticated.  Others want something entirely different…

And some other want pizzazz… or violence.

Philadelphia police were called to a hotel early Sunday to break up a brawl between guests of two wedding parties, and when it was over one man was dead of a heart attack and three people were cited for crimes.

It was a straight up brawl of two wedding parties!! Like a little wedding riot.

Awwww. Nothing says lets celebrate love and family like throwing blows!!

Someone even decks the bride!!

I certainly hope the bride didn’t pay for a video photographer. That would have been a waste of  money. She now can see it forever on YouTube and to own the actual tape she just has to wait a couple of weeks for the police to release it from evidence.

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Would you eat at Lady Gaga’s restaurant?

Quite frankly, even before discovering this little tidbit I would have been a little hesitant. And I eat EVERYTHING!!

It’s a good thing because the New York City restaurant owned by Lady Gaga and her family this week scored miserably during a Department of Health inspection that found six “critical” violations, including failing to protect food from potential contamination.

Yikes!! Imagine then what her home kitchen may look like!!!

Restaurants that are found to have in excess of 28 violation points are given a “C” grade, the lowest issued by city officials. Lady Gaga’s place had 42!!! What the hell!!!

Some of the violations include: Food not protected from potential source of contamination, Personal cleanliness inadequate, Outer garment soiled with possible contaminant, Effective hair restraint not worn in an area where food is prepared, Food contact surface not properly washed, rinsed and sanitized after each use and many more.

Vomitrocious!!

Well finally the restaurant was reopened and “passed” an re-inspection.

Still… I am probably never going to eat there.

There you go… another weekend pass with some crazy stories to report. Hopefully you all don’t eat at any strip clubs or deck any brides. If you do, make sure to record it!!

Thursday Movie Review-The Road

I had been wanting to read the book The Road by Cormac McCarthy.

Instead I just saw the movie.

The movie is about a father and son who try to make their way across a post-apocalyptic United States in hopes of finding civilization amongst the nomadic cannibal tribes. The boy was born into this world where his father was not. He is from the life you and I are familiar with.

America is in shambles. The sun seems as if it has disappeared. Nothing moves in the ravaged landscape save the ash on the wind and water. It is cold enough to crack stones, and when the snow falls it is gray. The sky is dark.

Right before the Man’s wife left him outta despair for their new type of life she told him to travel south. So the father and son travel south everyday in hopes for warmer weather. However, their travels  leave them with a great unknown.  Their journey only gives them harsh weather, no food or safe drinking water, and people who have become cannibals.

They have nothing: just a pistol to defend themselves against the lawless cannibalistic bands that stalk the road, the clothes they are wearing, a rusting shopping cart of scavenged food–and each other.

The Man teaches his son everything he knows about survival and endurance and hope. His Son reminds him constantly to never lose his humanity. Both are tested each day.

What’s interesting is that you never know The Man’s or The Son’ s name.  I think that has a profound effect on the story.

I can’t imagine the performances being any better from any of the actors, starting at Viggo Mortensen and working my way down to the smallest roles. I can’t imagine the bleak post-apocalyptic world being portrayed any more realistically. I can’t imagine the general feeling of sadness, desperation, hopelessness, terror and pain being captured more accurately.

You feel what the actors feels. You feel the exhaustion, the insanity of despair, the hunger pains. The story was extremely captivating.  You hang on to yourself for dear life, resisting belief as best you can in the face of powerful acting, persuasive filmmaking and the perversely compelling certainty that nothing will turn out all right.

The Road is a haunting portrait of what it means to be a parent. It gives new meaning to the words, “To the end of the world”.

There are really some thought-provoking truths that are brought out in the movie as well as from The Man as he narrates the movie or is simply talking to his son. They linger in your thoughts making you question yourself on how you would handle the situation, how could you face the day knowing it could be your very last. It’s a real cold slap of mortality.

Despite the sadness and bleak of hope, I really liked this movie. It was compelling, un-nerving and very beautiful.

Thursday Movie Review- Who Wants to Be A Millionaire?

I finally saw the movie Slumdog Millionaire.

I know… I know I am late to the game. When did this movie come out?  Three years ago. Hey I wanted to the see “the movie of the year” but it got put on a list and the list just grew and grew.

What is important is that I finally saw it. In case you are like me and doing a big, “huh? What is she talking about?” ,  I will explain this crazy but wonderful movie.

First off, I hate when bad shit happens to good people. In this movie, its kids so its even more intense and sad.

 Right away, you see a bit of the end. A Mumbai teen who grew up in the slums, becomes a contestant on the Indian version of “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?” He is doing very well for a poor kid with no real education.

Under suspicion of cheating and fraud, he is arrested and interrogated. He is asked by the detective how he knows that answers to the questions. The events from his life history are shown which explain why he knows the answers. From there, he tells his story.

As young boys, Jamal and his older brother, Salim, lived in squalor, and lost their mother in a mob attack on Muslims.

Subsequently forced to rely on their own wits to survive, the desperate siblings fell back on petty crime, eventually befriending adorable yet feisty young Latika as they sought out food and shelter on the unforgiving streets of Mumbai.

They go from being reeled into one of India’s evil child laborers who forces the children to beg and will cripple them or even blind them for more profit to living a life on the train stealing and  selling items. In between events young Jamal grows closer to Latika. When he loses her running from henchmen he never stops thinking of her from adolescence to his teens.

Jamal is still good-hearted boy whereas his brother, Salim, only knows of money and how to make a quick buck. Salim seems to resent Latika and Jamal’s relationship right from the start. He is also a part of the reason  Jamal  looses Latika each time.

Though life on the streets was never easy, Jamal’s experiences ultimately instilled in him the knowledge he needed to answer the tough questions. Each chapter of Jamal’s increasingly layered story reveals where he learned the answers to the show’s seemingly impossible quizzes. But one question remains a mystery: what is this young man with no apparent desire for riches really doing on the game show?

I really liked this movie. My only regret is that I had not seen it earlier. It’s simply amazing. The story line is seriously top-notch and the acting is beyond great. This movie is a  brilliantly woven masterpiece.

Your emotions will be on an imaginary roller coaster ride the entire time as you blast through a cocktail of blood-pumping adrenaline, powerful secrets, searing heartache and rousing uplift. Slumdog Millionaire immerses the audience in an alien landscape and shows it through the eyes of a young man fighting against history and his own culture’s expectations. Through it all he remains an intrepid, indomitable and pure of heart as an idealized medieval knight.

And he is kinda cute … (Note to self: check how old he is before saying that out loud).

P.S. Then there is awesome thing at the very end. I am not going to ruin it for you but I loved it.

Mum’s the word.

Um so yea… I totally liked it.

Thursday Movie Review-Change the Name to Almost Scary

Lately I have been watching a lot of movies. I am trying to catch up on all the ones I have missed. I been working hard on developing the perfect queue in my Netflix account.  Its hard work but someone has to do it. This week I saw the movie Devil.

First I have to say that I have general respect for director, M. Night Shyamalan. He has made some really good movies in my opinion.   The Sixth Sense, Signs, Unbreakable,  and even The Village were some thrilling movies.

So I was excited about the mysterious movie entitled Devil. Who wouldn’t be?

It’s firstly narrated in the beginning with a story a mother told about the devil. You know old Mexican folklore. The Devil roams around the world looking for bad individuals to torture.   The story seems to center around a detective who still grieving for his wife and son, killed in a hit-and-run five years ago.

The scene fades to what seems to be a typical day at the office takes a sudden detour into terror when the elevator becomes stuck between floors.  Right before that, a stranger jumps out of the building so the detective is sent to investigate.  Meanwhile, the five strangers who are trapped in the elevator and nothing seems to improve their situation.

The communication radio in the elevator is broken but the guards observe the individuals through the security cameras. Tensions run high among those trapped, so  the police and the detective assume the case. Without being able to contact the individuals, he tries to work out who they are, but he can only account for four of them.

Then they just start miraculously dying. The lights go out and boom one dies. And every one is a suspect.

All the while the one Hispanic security cop is freaking out because he recognizes the Devil’s work when he sees it.

There were a few parts that were intense or chilling. However it wasn’t enough. The five strangers were good enough actors and it felt that the plot was being hurried along.

Not only that I felt the movie was being spoiled by the actual cast. They basically were telling you what was going to happen in the story!

This movie had so much potential. People stuck in an elevator against the Devil!! Crazy concept. But I felt the opportunity to make this a good film was missed.  I was disappointed that the film is very light in the scare factor. In fact one of the trailers before the film elicited a bigger scare factor for a particular gentleman than anything found in DEVIL.

To make a movie (a horror movie)about the Devil, you gotta actually read the Devil’s resume!!

So in a nut shell: It’s tense but it rarely scares because all the truly horrifying things happen off camera. People only get killed when the lights go out, so you don’t actually see the deaths. There’s never a moment that’ll make you jump in your seat.  It has to go dark or you’ll know who the murderer is, and DEVIL executes those moments well, it’s just not able to make them scary. Maybe there isn’t a way to make them scary. Maybe it isn’t trying to be scary. Maybe they don’t need to be scary.

But horror movies….. YES they need to be scary! Especially if they are called DEVIL!!!!

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