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Archive for the ‘News’ Category

While You Were Examining What Beads Went With What Outfit I Was Sleuthing It On The Internet

First things first… I didn’t watch the Grammy’s.


So I don’t know anything that happened last night. A great sleuth has to make their sacrifices. Well, that and Walking Dead was on.

Hello!! Priorities!!!!


But I will get to the Grammy’s tonight after I watch my recorded episode of SNL. Justin Bieber was on people!!

I am sure everyone has heard of the manhunt in LA of the ex-cop who felt he was wrongly terminated from the police force and thus took revenge into his own hands. So ex-cop known as Christopher Dorner is accused of shooting three people. Dorner also made an online manifesto stating the corruption he faced in the police force puting the LAPD in a negative spotlight.

Does he look like LL Cool J to you??

Does he look like LL Cool J to you??

Dorner made a online manifesto (which you could read here ) went into detail about the type of misconduct he witnessed in the LAPD. He goes into detail and detail and you learn a lot about that guy. For instance in his ridicule of his superiors downgrading the president and the first lady he side notes, “Off the record, I love your new bangs, Mrs. Obama.

Thats nice of him!!

Then I guess in a way of saying goodbye he starts shout out thank you’s to everyone is has met and maybe not met:

I thank my friends for the awesome shared experiences. I thank the unnamed women I dated over my lifetime for the great and sometimes not so great sex. It’s kind of sad I won’t be around to view and enjoy The Hangover III. What an awesome trilogy. Todd Phillips, don’t make anymore Hangovers after the third, takes away the originality of its foundation. World War Z looks good and The Walking Dead season 3 (second half) looked intriguing. Damn, gonna miss shark week…. Hillary Clinton: You’ll make one hell of a president in 2016. Much like your husband, Bill, you will be one of the greatest. Look at Castro in San Antonio as a running mate or possible secretary of state. He’s (good people) and I have faith and confidence in him. Look after Bill. He was always my favorite President. Chelsea grew up to be one hell of an attractive woman. No disrespect to her husband.”

He gives Anderson Cooper and Pier Morgan some advice! He states how much he adores Ellen DeGeneres.

Tebow, I really wanted to see you take charge of an offense again and the game. You are not a good QB by todays standards, but you are a great football player who knows how to lead a team and WIN. You will be “Tebowing” when you reach your next team. I have faith in you. Get out of that circus they call the Jets and away from the reality TV star, Rex Ryan, and Mark Rapist Sanchez.

Then he lists a number of actress that he finds the most beautiful women in the world. Hey…. Maxim this is where next year’s list resides!

Dorner lists everyone gives them kudos and telling them how much he enjoys them.

He even says “Charlie Sheen, you’re effin awesome.

Awwww how nice. Fittingly Charlie Sheen has responded. In fact, he is the only one that has.  Sheen has recorded a video plea, sent to ABC News, asking the ex-Los Angeles police officer to call him so they can talk things out.

gty charlie sheen jef 130211 wblog Charlie Sheen Tells Fugitive Christopher Dorner Call MeDonna Ward/Getty Images

“Mr. Dorner, this is Charlie Sheen,” the actor said in the video. “You mentioned me in your manifesto, so thank you for your kind words. I am urging you to call me. Let’s figure out together how to end this thing.”

“Call me,” Sheen added. “I look forward to talking to you.”

Sheen, you are my hero. Seriously, you are the coolest man!!

Man the least the others could have done like Serena Williams, Jay-Z, or Jon Stewart could have done was shot the wanted man a thumbs up.

Charlie, all that coke has made you a man after my own heart!

And finally I was thinking who make a good pope since Pope Benedict gave his resignation.

Here is my top five:

1). Gary Busey: Imagine the crazy adventures. I’ll definitely start going to church.


2) Pope Keith Richards has a nice ring to it


3) Blake Shelton: The Vatican has use some Honky Tonky if you know what I am saying.


4)Denzel Washington… this is for mother!


5) The Rock: Le Sigh


A Petition For Your Help- Save the Biebs

People of the world,

I write today to urge, to plead with you in helping me save Justin Bieber.  If you not aware, a recent attempt on his life was foiled by police. A convicted felon and his nephew plotted to kidnap, torture, castrate and finally kill Justin Bieber.  The evil men intended to have the kidnapping take place in late November as Justin played two sold-out shows at New Your City‘s Madison Square Garden.

That is too close for comfort people!! Justin Bieber is a national treasure and he is very cute. Perhaps when he was younger he was a bit annoying to some. However now that he is legal ….  grown up and matured he has really crossed barriers and made a mark on our culture. Did I mention he is cute?

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Can you imagine this young cutie hurt? I can’t. I didn’t even like the mock beating he received in one of his recent music videos!! Honestly, he is just a kid. Who would want to hurt a kid?? A very cute kid who is legal and very cute and also very legal. Did I mention he was legal?
And also, I have a big problem with someone who wants to destroy all the little Bieber babies Justin may make one day?? I want my children’s children’s children to enjoy the fruits from Justin’s loins for as long as they can be…. er … fruitful. May the fruit be bountiful!!
So today I am asking that at the end this post, you leave a comment in your protest that we need a better way to preserve Justin, our dancing singing treasure. I feel that the only way to justify this horrific situation is that President Obama send some secret service to protect Justin Bieber.  We need some gentlemen with the mentality that they may need to take a bullet, or a castration for the Biebs.  In this way they will be doing their country a big honor!
I know that some may be feel a bit skeptical seeing how Justin wears his pants…
justin-bieber-2012-victoria-s-secret-fashion-show-inside-31but perhaps we can get the secret service to help with that matter too.
Again, thank you for your time and interest in something that is very dear to my heart. Oh yea and for my 7-year-old daughter as well. She would “just die” if something happened to him.  And remember Justin IS   legal!
Thank you,
Marina Sleeps

The Weekend of the Eternal Break-Up

I have some really really devastating news. I am out of Takis… but worse than that… (hold me guys, hold me!) Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez broke up!!

I was not ready for this- this morning. I just can’t handle this!

First it was Rob and Kristen, now the Biebs and Selena!! What is happening to love?!?! I mean why even try anymore? Why even wake up?

I’m not only one feeling confused, lost, and on the verge of losing it based on this new celeb breakup.

This guy lost all reasoning…. seriously.

The next time Ryan McNames wants to lodge a consumer complaint, he’ll know better than to call the Columbia Police Department.

This Missouri man, 19, dialed cops Saturday night to report that he paid $60 to a pair of prostitutes to perform sexual acts for him. As McNames described it, the deal called for one woman to show him her breasts, while the other would perform oral sex on him in the living room of his mobile home.

Apparently only one “lady of the night” held up her part of the bargain while the other collected cash and bought ran to their car and jammed.

So what did McNames do?  He lodged a complaint! Hell yea! But wait, he didn’t call the HR of Prostitutes R US. No he called the cops!

He also requested that officers contact the woman who did not fellate him and “get $40 of his money back,” police reported.

And so he was arrested!

See what happens when you root for a celeb couple and they let you down!!
Don’t worry Ryan, time heals all things!

Another man is obviously in shock from the break up that he is just getting to work and putting on blinders to the rest of the world.

A man, Dale Porch, was dropped off at home last week after working the night shift for the Regional Transportation District but never made it inside. He died on his porch. Family members say hours later, a mail carrier walked by the body to deliver the mail but did nothing to help. The family says the carrier told them he thought the body was a mannequin, a decoration left over from Halloween.

That mail man was left dead inside. DEAD INSIDE Justin and Selena!!

This woman was arrested drinking and driving. Can you see the hurt in her face? The pain?

But seriously, Best. Mugshot.Ever.

So I leave you now to grieve, to grieve for America. All we can do is hope. Hope that love isn’t lost forever!

Storm: Bring On the Crazy

Thanks to the internet, I have many friends in the East Coast. I know power is out but I am freaking out that I haven’t heard from them.

So in order to distract my mind from all the if’s, I streamed online for hilarious videos of people being crazy in the midst of the east coasts worst storm in years!!

This first video is near the center of where Hurricane Sandy hit, Atlantic City, New Jersey.

A reporter is out bearing it all for a great weather story stressing how serious the situation is and … well…. not everyone agrees.

On this  next video, I really hope this reporter has life insurance.

When they make this hurricane into a movie, they should call it Hurricane Sandy Epic Drift!!

Some people are not letting the storm stop them. Hurricane-smhurricane!

Others may feel the end is near and just living life to the fullest.  Gangnum Style.

And finally, we get the story straight out of someone who has been through this before.

Someone give these reporters a medal!!

Anyways: Stay Safe people. I am going back to worrying!!

While You Were Out Trying to Figure if You Like Donkeys or Elephants, I Was Gathering Weekend News.

All women want their ultimate dream wedding whether it’s a destination wedding at Hawaii or a quiet, intimate garden wedding. Some want traditional and some want modern and sophisticated.  Others want something entirely different…

And some other want pizzazz… or violence.

Philadelphia police were called to a hotel early Sunday to break up a brawl between guests of two wedding parties, and when it was over one man was dead of a heart attack and three people were cited for crimes.

It was a straight up brawl of two wedding parties!! Like a little wedding riot.

Awwww. Nothing says lets celebrate love and family like throwing blows!!

Someone even decks the bride!!

I certainly hope the bride didn’t pay for a video photographer. That would have been a waste of  money. She now can see it forever on YouTube and to own the actual tape she just has to wait a couple of weeks for the police to release it from evidence.


Would you eat at Lady Gaga’s restaurant?

Quite frankly, even before discovering this little tidbit I would have been a little hesitant. And I eat EVERYTHING!!

It’s a good thing because the New York City restaurant owned by Lady Gaga and her family this week scored miserably during a Department of Health inspection that found six “critical” violations, including failing to protect food from potential contamination.

Yikes!! Imagine then what her home kitchen may look like!!!

Restaurants that are found to have in excess of 28 violation points are given a “C” grade, the lowest issued by city officials. Lady Gaga’s place had 42!!! What the hell!!!

Some of the violations include: Food not protected from potential source of contamination, Personal cleanliness inadequate, Outer garment soiled with possible contaminant, Effective hair restraint not worn in an area where food is prepared, Food contact surface not properly washed, rinsed and sanitized after each use and many more.


Well finally the restaurant was reopened and “passed” an re-inspection.

Still… I am probably never going to eat there.

There you go… another weekend pass with some crazy stories to report. Hopefully you all don’t eat at any strip clubs or deck any brides. If you do, make sure to record it!!

WTF Wednesday- A Lesson in Teabagging

Have you heard this news story?

A video went viral on the Internet appeared to show someone in a University of Alabama jacket exposing his package  and tea bagged an unconscious man at a restaurant after the Crimson Tide beat LSU for the BCS football championship on Jan. 9.

Go search for it… I am at work so I can’t.

You know when you are drinking your favorite Earl Grey hot tea and you lift the tea bag in and out of the liquid …

that is not tea bagging.

Ha! (Hmmm… now I want tea…)

I knew that!

Great knowledge I will one day bestow on my kids.

No, tea bagging is when you are a dude and you place your balls on someone. And rub. Some also attempt to put the package in an unconscious or sleeping victim’s mouth.

Ewww I know… dudes are so gross. New hobbies gentlemen!! New hobbies!!

That Alabama fan was facing sexual battery charges but agreed to a lesser sentence of two years in prison.


The LSU tea bagging victim has sued the guy, asking damages for “mental anguish, humiliation, embarrassment, anxiety and depression … damage to reputation” and lost tuition payments “for having to withdraw from school.”

Ok. I would totally prefer not to be tea bagged but I bet it’s not the end of the world. Clearly not mental distress. Just take a fucking shower.  And maybe a chemical peel….

In the end the tea bagger fucked himself. Why? Sure he shouldn’t have tea bagged someone but in reality the internet fucked him over. If you are going to do something criminal, don’t video tape it!!!


But back to the victim… do you honestly think you are the only victim of tea bagging ever?

There are male fraternities every where! I bet there is an orgy of tea bagging going on!!

I myself have been involved in tea bagging. And it was hilarious!!! Well not me per se. I lack the necessary equipment.

My best friend was drunk. And we were annoyed because he was falling everywhere. Finally, he collapsed at a field in a park. We were yelling at him for him to get his ass up but he was already in that stupid drunk faze.

His cousin mentioned that he should tea bag him. At this point, we were like yea do it. And he did, and it was hilarious!! It was either that or draw a gigantic dick and balls on his face.

Yea… my friend was a little peeved at me for a while… but it was pretty funny. Ahhh, good times.

And I feel it taught him a lesson.  He never got that wasted again.  And what 10 years later… he is very well-adjusted. He hasn’t killed anyone… yet.

So gentlemen… stick to the actual lifting of an actual tea bag. No one wants your junk on their face. And if you must, please make sure you have washed thoroughly! Last thing we need is a tea bagging disease to end the world.

And please, no photography!!

While You Were Crashing the Kennedys’ parties/Running from West Nile I was scratching up some losers!

Seriously you guys… West Nile ain’t no joke. I have like 50 mosquito bites. The odds are one of them has to be West Nile infected. Geez, why couldn’t this disease stay in Egypt?!

While we are freaking out about these blood sucking little insects, there was real news going on out there. And in between scratches, I found some news that I think you need to know.

Plus I think reading about stupid people is a good ego boost for all of us regular sane people!!

Sometimes you think people must have a bit of a conscience or filter when they are committing crimes.  At least to the point where they can avoid getting caught.

Not this man.


World, I would like you to meet Joshua Basso.

This Florida man (again Florida? What are you guys smoking over there?)  was arrested and charged with misusing the 911 system after admitting to investigators that he made seven separate calls between last Wednesday and Friday requesting female deputies for sex.

Da fuck….

The funny thing is this guy was arrested for doing the exact same thing in November of 2009.

Back then, he claimed to be masturbating while he queried an emergency operator about her breasts and whether she would be willing to have sex with him.

Here is the link to listen to his 911 call from 2009. You know you wanna…

Perv 911 Call

This mosquito epidemic is hitting the nation in full force. I am right now scratching my legs with a razor.

And some people are calling 911 when they get bit!

A Fort Worth woman recently called the ambulance service to report that her 1-year-old nephew was apparently bitten.

“And I got scared because that bite looks like that mosquito bite like they show on the TV,” the woman said.

The 911 operator asked if the baby was awake and responsive.

“Yes, he’s playing around like normal,” the woman said. “I just want to make sure that it’s nothing, you know, dangerous.”

MedStar EMS say they have received a number of similar calls.

Ok, even as sit here covered in mosquitoes, I have to say that’s pretty funny.

People! I may be complaining but I know I should have brought my anti-itch creme and some alcohol to work to keep soothing my bites. And I also know too that if I start to feel flu-like symptoms, I should head to my doctor to get it checked out.  911 can’t do anything for your itchiness.

Sometimes… late at night…. I get scared for the future.

Before I go… back to work…. I would like to express my condolences to the family of our American hero Neil Armstrong.

Armstrong was the first man on the moon, followed shortly after by Buzz Aldrin. Yes, he is famous for something else besides ‘Dancing with the Stars’ on ABC. Seriously, if that’s the only reason you know him, just stop reading now. Anyway, like any other major historical event, there’s a group of freaks out there that think the whole event was staged. I’m talking about the moon landing, not ‘Dancing with the Stars’, by the way. I’m pretty sure “DWTS” is totally staged.

Here is how Buzz Aldrin reacts to one of those nay-sayers.

God Bless America!!!

While You Crying Over the Olympics/Cutting Your Toe Nails I Was Trying Not to Dislocate My Hip

As some of you may know … or not know …. I can’t remember whether I announced to the world or not that I went camping last week for four fucking days.

I am such a glass house.

I like camping and have been going since I was young. The only thing that sucks is the whole bathroom/shower and the lack thereof.

However we went to a location where there were flush-able toilets and public shower. So it worked out. All I had to be weary of was not catching foot athlete, hepatitis, or dislocating my hip climbing the big rocky hills to get to the bathroom and back to the camp site.  I went to the bathroom every 30 minutes!!


Because I have kids with bladders the size of grape nuts!!!

Ha ha I said nuts….

So this weekend…. I have no idea how I stayed in the loop with the going on’s of the world but I did. Because I care people…. I care.

I especially fear for you guys safety at Wal-Mart. Apart from the usual crazy people … there are REAL psychos there.

Be warned!!!

Meet Aaron Morris.

This guy is in jail because he couldn’t help himself.

Morris is accused of groping a woman’s buttocks outside a dressing room at a Wal-Mart in North Lauderdale.

During questioning by law enforcement, Morris copped to grabbing the victim’s rear end and provided an explanation, of sorts, for his behavior, “Her booty looked so good,” he noted, “I just couldn’t resist touching it.”


Seriously why wasn’t this guy’s face mased to death!

So next time you need to shop for dinner…. don’t!


A successful businessman is selling his life on eBay.

What the ….???

After working hard to build a business and achieve millionaire status, a Florida entrepreneur is selling it all on eBay. This includes his successful video game stores, two beachside condos, several expensive cars and three kayaks. All for the small price of $3.5 million.

Small?!?!? If you have that money, you are rich!! You don’t need this guy’s life. You obviously have your own!!!

At least make it affordable!! Can we do it in payments?? Can he finance me??

 ”My name’s Shane, and I’m putting my American dream up for sale,” the young businessman says in his Ebay ad. Shane got the idea to pass on his success to somebody else after he heard about other people doing something similar. What?!?!? There were others??!!

He and his family are in search of a new challenge, and want to visit the world, so they decided to sell everything they’ve built so far. “If you build a castle, it’s awesome to sell it and then start building another one, hopefully bigger and better,” Shane said.

Excuse me for being shallow but …. I wanna buy this!! This is happiness. I want it!!!

Get this guy a brain scan just in case….


And everyone is just going gaga over Miley Cyrus’ new do. If you just went huh to that sentence … lucky lucky you!

It is apparently a pixie cut.

This is soooo not a pixie cut!! Isn’t a pixie hair cut suppose to be cute?!?!

Help me here people.

It’s like my mother used to say….

“Did she get in a fight with a lawn mower?”

The answer is yes … yes she did.


Wordless Wednesday- Call Me Batman

You guys…

I really needed this laugh.

I need anything to stop me from slapping Kristen Stewart in the face for cheating on Robert Pattinson.

I mean who are you Kristen!!!

Who are you?!?!

I am screaming obscenities in my head to you!!

Damnit I need to watch that Batman video again.

While You Were Experencing Beer Goggles/Taking Off Yours Clothes/Trying to Remember Your New Guest’s Name, I Was Hyperventilating Through A Brown Paper Bag!

You guys …  I am really going through some emotional stuff over here and I need your support!


Hold my hand … Good. Now look at me while you read my words… look at me!! Good.

In recent events, my world has been sent in a whirl wind. I don’t know how much more I can take.

It all started when Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt divorced.

But, but you promised to be together forever!!

Then Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillipe, J-Lo and Ben Affleck, Heidi Klum and Seal, Robin Wright Penn and Sean Penn, Scarlet Johansson and Ryan Reynolds, and then Katy Perry and Russel Brand. Who else could love that guy!??!?

I think of Kelly Preston and the fact that John Travolta might be gay!!

And when I think I can’t take anymore… I am hearing reports that Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are on the rocks.

I can’t handle this information… my state of mind is just to weak!

I am losing it!

Please tell me there is some love in the world…. Kristen Stewart and Robert Patterson are still doing great, right?



I see you all laughing at this blog… completely thinking that I am just kidding. Am I though? Am I?!?!?

That is why I became an alcoholic for a day and half. Vodka flavored whipped creme completes me.


Now to the nitty-gritty…

Batman can fly people! He can!!

Some physicists nerds at the University of Leicester claimed that Batman could fly. However, he would travel so fast, his landing would be the end of him. Bat guts everywhere!

They did some study and their conclusions was published in published in the University of Leicester Journal of Special Physics Topics.

Nerds just ruined Batman for me!!


In Australia,  police responding to a call got more than they bargained for when an eager bachelorette party mistook them for strippers.

The women reportedly attacked the cops tearing at there clothes. Man, ladies… don’t appear so eager!

What did these cops look like anyways? Cause if they look anthing like ours…

I’m just saying!!


And finally, we can all agree that people from Florida are crazy. Some deal in bath salts, some eat peoples’ faces. It’s a lot of chaos over there.

This story is just further evidence that we need to check the water.

A burglar suspected to be behind a string of break-ins at an apartment complex in East Orlando is stealing nothing and harming no one. The man prefers to lie in bed and talk to his victims, one alleged victim said.

The woman, who was not hurt, feared that the burglar would turn violent on her. She allegedly ordered him to leave the apartment and he complied.

Hmmm, he doesn’t sound like a burglar to me. He sounds like an unannounced house guest. One that you just don’t know. You can’t call him a burglar if HE IS NOT STEALING!

Police said the burglar hasn’t hurt anyone but that they want to arrest him as soon as possible because they are not sure what he’s going to do next. Investigators are handing out flyers at an apartment complexes in Dovetail Villas and the Renaissance Apartments, hoping for a tip.

“He had cologne on he had nice dress slacks on. He’s not homeless, mental issues probably,” said the alleged victim.

“I hope they catch him. He really needs to get caught because he’s a psychopath.”

Would you guys feel better if did steal your TV?
Make friends people! Life is bigger then your Facebook. Unless of course you have more than 1,000 friends. If that’s the case, stay home!

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