In the room where I sleep … my thoughts overflow.

Archive for the ‘Life’ Category

The Wind in My Sail

Sometimes there are things in life that make you extremely sad. That devastate you, that take the wind right out of you. It’s like to know the course of the ship and where it’s suppose to go, but all these waves and harsh weather make it feel like it’s impossible to get to the destination. In my case, I know I will get there but I will be badly damaged. There are things that just can’t be helped. The way a person feels, the way things used to be, and maybe the truth that you already know.

The inevitable.

I never been one to beat around the bush or linger in limbo but at this moment, that’s where it feels safer. I already know what’s going to happen. I don’t have to be psychic to see the damage that is lingering on the horizon. I feel it. I sense it. I know it. The way you see the sky darken and the clouds descend from the sky. The way you know that there is a storm coming.

There is a storm coming.

And I have no one to brace myself with. I am envious of  those around me that do. I am sick of seeing it. But like all things, you must swallow it and just move on. Cause that is all I have ever done. Move on.

There is no more time to review on what I could have done, or where I went wrong in the past. It doesn’t matter; and I’ll spend the rest of my life beating myself about it.

For now I will just have to figure a way to sail…

Sail without wind.

Advertisements

The Art of Catching Some Zzzzz’s

stock-illustration-10825826-catching-some-z-s

Being a mother is extremely demanding. Somehow you are the first one up and the last one to bed. You are always extremely tired and can be found falling asleep as you practice reading with your daughter. You anxiously await the anticipated bed time where you can snuggle in your sheets, lay your head on your puffed up pillow and fall gracefully to sleep the way princesses do in movies.

However is that really the case?

I can be falling asleep on the way home from work, on the couch, the dinning table, even as you move about assembling the essentials for the next day. However, as soon as I lay in bed, it gets COMPLICATED!!

tumblr_maevnpOHPR1r3a6jho1_500

Ideally I want to lay on my back. If I position my pillows just right, both my shoulders properly proportioned equally on the pillow will make for a nice restful sleep. See, this is the type of Science they should be teaching in school. The physics of perfectly aligned shoulders.

But still, I can’t fall asleep. This is not the position I am used too! You see, we recently got my baby boy to stop sleeping with us. When he was a baby, we messed up by putting him in the bed with us all because we wanted an extra few hours of sleep during feedings and diaper changings.

SO SUE US!

Then he just grew super fast and pretty soon I was the one hanging off the edge. Everyone morning, my shoulders would ache because I was forced to sleep on my side all night!

So we moved him into his room. Then we felt guilty and I was cold. So there he went back into our bed. T-ball started for him. He then decided that he was a big boy and could not sleep with us. So there he went back to his bed in his room. I was sad. I missed him. But my shoulders didn’t. In one night I was cured and could never go back to the old way again.

But like all great things, the season ended as well as Ryan’s desire to be a big boy. We couldn’t get him to stay the night in his room. Finally, it donned on us to bring his bed into our room. So we did that… and we have our bed back. Hopefully, we will have our room back.

Sigh….

So I lay there fully enjoying the arms space I have. I now have the power to roll up in a little ball, spread out like an X and even sleep side ways. The possibilities are endless! But I just ache for comfort and want to fully enjoy the space laying on my back.

Still, it doesn’t feel comfortable. What do I do with these arms of mine? Do I cross them over my chest like Wednesday from The Adams Family?

tumblr_mad75o3W4R1r5a4hjo1_500

No that’s weird and uncomfortable. Imagine if I died like that… the medics will think I am  some kind of witch or satanic sleeper.

I finally give up and just roll on my right side like always. I curl my legs up practically in my body and relax. Hopefully, I will just know to change it up in the middle of the night.

Then I start to feel something uncomfortable.

My ankles are touching each other and it’s driving me CRAZY!! My knees are boney and rubbing against each other! If I spread my legs that feels foreign… uhhhhhhhhhh!!!

I just wanna sleep!! I finally just roll over on my stomach and hope the smothering of my face in the pillow will be enough to knock me unconscious!

What is that my feet are hitting?!?!

Ryan is now sleeping horizontally on the edge of our bed!!!!

29 and Deep Fried

This past Sunday was my birthday. I turned 29 years old.

Weird.

Skunks

Who imagines being alive this long? Surely I would have been killed in a traffic accident or something gang related, but no I am still here … turning 29 years old.  I am scared to get older… who isn’t? However I think I am more in shock. Wasn’t I just 16 years old like yesterday? Wasn’t turning 21 while breast-feeding still like an hour ago?

Time has passed before my very eyes… and I now have been  alive 29 years. What the….

The shock has not subsided.

So…. I didn’t do anything to celebrate my birthday. I couldn’t.

Friday I went into panic year before 30 years old panic. I went to the store and bought all these facial creme and washes because if I am going to turn 29 years old I am going to damn well look at least 26! I was gone ho to start taking care of my skin, use the appropriate aging products and all that jazz.

I applied it Friday night, Saturday morning, then spent all afternoon  in the sun. And my facial wash and creme baked on my face  BURNING THE SHIT OUT OF MY FACE especially MY EYE LIDS! My eyelids were dark, wrinkled and puffy.

I aged 70 years  over night. Or got in a fight or cried my eyes out.

I was hideous! There was no way in hell I was going anywhere. And the whole situation made  me more mopey and depressed. I was so sad.

My hubby promised to make it all up to me next weekend, when I won’t look like a deep-fried chick.

Truth is, I don’t feel any different.  In my mind I am still 19. I will probably forever feel 19. The physical part is changing…. and I am trying to will it as much as I can. I honestly want to be fine with getting older but who knows when I will come to terms with it. Once being young is done, its done.

All I ask now is that convenience store clerk card… card the shit outta me please!!

Venting Out

I was going to post a Thursday movie review but then I never got around to doing it. Then I decided not posting one at all.

But I realize I need to post. I need to post to get something off my chest.

I am bothered… by family.

Hurt actually.

I have three wonderful, beautiful bad ass sweet ass kids.  I love them. I’m their mother so I want everyone to love them. That’s natural. And when you meet someone that sees your kid the same as you do, well that makes you love that person. I also understand that my kids are my kids and no one will see them or feel about them the way I do.

But family should… right?

I am bothered by people who are in my kids’  lives that don’t really want to be. They do it because they have too. They do it because their spouse asks them too. They do it to be a good person but they don’t do it for the kids. There is a thin level that they refer to as love. But it’s not really love.

I feel bad because my kids don’t have a relationship like that. They aren’t loved like that. No one goes out of their way for them. No one has too but no one wants too.

It bothers me. It bothers me that my kids still love them because they don’t know better.  They are not sought out for a better relationship.

I just wanna say that I see right through you. I know why you are here but don’t wanna be. I see right through you. I see the fake actions. And I don’t want anything from you.

Scratch that I do. I don’t want you to hurt my kids.

Thursday Movie Review-The Road

I had been wanting to read the book The Road by Cormac McCarthy.

Instead I just saw the movie.

The movie is about a father and son who try to make their way across a post-apocalyptic United States in hopes of finding civilization amongst the nomadic cannibal tribes. The boy was born into this world where his father was not. He is from the life you and I are familiar with.

America is in shambles. The sun seems as if it has disappeared. Nothing moves in the ravaged landscape save the ash on the wind and water. It is cold enough to crack stones, and when the snow falls it is gray. The sky is dark.

Right before the Man’s wife left him outta despair for their new type of life she told him to travel south. So the father and son travel south everyday in hopes for warmer weather. However, their travels  leave them with a great unknown.  Their journey only gives them harsh weather, no food or safe drinking water, and people who have become cannibals.

They have nothing: just a pistol to defend themselves against the lawless cannibalistic bands that stalk the road, the clothes they are wearing, a rusting shopping cart of scavenged food–and each other.

The Man teaches his son everything he knows about survival and endurance and hope. His Son reminds him constantly to never lose his humanity. Both are tested each day.

What’s interesting is that you never know The Man’s or The Son’ s name.  I think that has a profound effect on the story.

I can’t imagine the performances being any better from any of the actors, starting at Viggo Mortensen and working my way down to the smallest roles. I can’t imagine the bleak post-apocalyptic world being portrayed any more realistically. I can’t imagine the general feeling of sadness, desperation, hopelessness, terror and pain being captured more accurately.

You feel what the actors feels. You feel the exhaustion, the insanity of despair, the hunger pains. The story was extremely captivating.  You hang on to yourself for dear life, resisting belief as best you can in the face of powerful acting, persuasive filmmaking and the perversely compelling certainty that nothing will turn out all right.

The Road is a haunting portrait of what it means to be a parent. It gives new meaning to the words, “To the end of the world”.

There are really some thought-provoking truths that are brought out in the movie as well as from The Man as he narrates the movie or is simply talking to his son. They linger in your thoughts making you question yourself on how you would handle the situation, how could you face the day knowing it could be your very last. It’s a real cold slap of mortality.

Despite the sadness and bleak of hope, I really liked this movie. It was compelling, un-nerving and very beautiful.

28 Years Later-This is Me

Tomorrow I am 28 years old.

Who knew I would have lived to be a quarter of a century and then some?

Am I surprised? A little. A palm reader told me I would die in a car crash but she assured me I wouldn’t see it coming or feel any pain. It will be instant. I would be too busy listening to music.

That may or may not be the truth but I am totally cool with it happening that way. As long as no one is with me at the time, I am totally cool!

I won’t kid you, the older I get, the more anxious I get. It’s scary getting old. Somehow your whole being becomes a battle field. In your mind, you can still do things as you were able to when you were much younger. However, your body disagrees. I am trying to stay busy and active and at the end of the day I am shocked that my body is rebelling.

I can’t say that I am fully accepting getting older because I haven’t.

What I will say is I do feel wiser. Not wise just wiser. And honestly this is the first time I am feeling this.

Lately I feel like I have been challenged based on what I know or what I believe.  I am also surprised by my answers.

Here is what I learned:

Don’t rule out people completely. They may surprise you.

It’s not that I’m negative nor am I a pity party but I am not used to people doing anything for me. I don’t expect anything from anyway. That’s just the way I am. I am always the giver. I love being the giver.  However, I have learned how to recently receive. Not just in material things but the kindness of people is so overwhelming. I can’t believe I am being thought of.

Practice patience.

I am still learning this one. I am not a perfectionist by far but I love things to be perfect. For instance, I NEED to have the house cleaned, dinner hot and ready when my hubby comes home. I am psycho like that. I want things to always be perfect for him. Always. It stresses me out when they aren’t.  Yet, I need to understand that not everyone is on my time-table. Patience with the little people, I say to myself.

I also need to be patient with my children. Especially with them. I am so busy trying to make everything perfect I don’t stop and just patiently listen to them, patiently let them do something, and patiently let them be kids. Patience is teaching me to not worry so much about the people I don’t want them to be and actually start concentrating on the people that they are.

Let Loose.

I seriously need to drink more. I need to have fun. My life is fleeting. Pretty soon I will just have memories and I need to entertain my grandchildren with something.

Accepting Myself

Since I was younger, I was always being concerned with being liked, with being a nice person. I would take it to heart when someone would say something against me or if someone didn’t like me. I am always paranoid about that.

Why?

Because I wanted to just be this great person.

Little do I do that I am actually doing it.

This is who I am now. I need to accept this is me. I am nice enough. I am good enough. The good person that I was always striving to be exists in me. I am already there. If I stay on this path, I can’t lose.

I am sure there is more that I have learned but this is what I have been thinking of lately.

I can be cool with getting older because that’s just another journey. And who is up for another adventure?!

If it doesn’t work out, I will just move to Montana, find a secluded cabin in the woods, and maybe kick the bucket fighting off a bear Legend of the Fall style!!

Actors & Actresses That If They Die I Will Cry My Eyes

Several days ago, it was announced that Comedian Phyllis Diller had passed away.

I really wasn’t familiar with her.

Then Neil Armstrong died. And even though he was an American hero I didn’t witness him walking the moon and he was always apart of history for me.

We seem to be losing many good people. It got me thinking… who would I just freakin balls to the wall cry over if they died?

So I complied a small list of people that I will definitely cry if they kick the bucket!

Steve Martin

I never saw him on Saturday Night Live but I was able to catch reruns. Every movie he has been has been hilarious.  Steve is a big part of my childhood tv/movie watching growing up. I loved The Jerk, The Man with Two Brains,  Three Amigos,  Roxanne, Father of the Bride. He is just an distinguished part of comedy. And he is part of that generation which includes Chevy Chase, Martin Short, and Dan Aykroyd.

Which brings me to my next actor…

Dan Aykroyd

I always saw him as the type of father I wanted.  All his characters were comforting to me and made me laugh as well. He is just a big part of movies for me. I can’t see not watching him in any type of film. Blues Brothers is one my favorite movies. It was something that even as child I understood that a movie like this would be seen as a classic later. And I cherished Blues Brothers. Then we had great comedic movies like Coneheads, Ghostbusters, The Great Outdoors, and one of my favorite movies My Girl.  With Dan, I will be depressed if he ever dies.

Dick Van Dyke

I will so cry if he dies. One word: Mary Poppins!!

He made me love him. He swept me off my feet at like 5 years old.  Then he made Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

Oh God… please don’t die Dick. You were the ultimate man to me at 5 years old and you still old. Wait til I go first… I am almost 30!!!

Julie Andrews

Til this day, I can honestly say I never have had any one take my breath as Julie Andrews. She is the interpretation of beauty. I don’t understand why she is not the Queen of England. I was amazed by her beauty, grace, pose, and her wonderful voice. I loved her in movies like Mary Poppins, The Sound of Music. I feel like she was from an age that no longer exists with classic beauties like Judy Garland, Katherine Hepburn, Audrey Hepburn, Natalie Wood.

Clint Eastwood

My father forced me to watch westerns so thanks Dad because I never would have seen Clint in his best! Clint was the super hero, the bad ass, the CIA agent of that time. He was thrilling to watch and even now the movies he touch are pure gold.

I am sure there are more but these were the greatest examples of generation slowly passing on by. There are many new actors and actresses that I love now but its nothing like these few. These just didn’t entertain but stole the heart.

Are there any that you can name?

Tag Cloud

%d bloggers like this: