In the room where I sleep … my thoughts overflow.

Remember in the movie Zombieland

how the main character “Columbus” had a set of rules when the Zombie apocalypse hit America?

I do.

Little did this little gem of a movie know that you don’t need a zombie apocalypse to put these rules into action.

For instance, rule number 1 is cardio.

How essential is this?!?! You never know when you are just going to pop yourself into a devastating situation and need the use of your legs to help you.

For example, when I was like 12 years old, I was playing ball in the backyard with some friends. The ball went over to my neighbor’s back yard. So I hopped the fence to retrieve my ball.

Did my neighbor have a dog? Yes.

Was I aware of this? Yes I was.

I figured though that even though that Spawn of Satan barked at me constantly it would get friendly when I jumped back there. I didn’t dilly dally. I jumped in grabbed the ball and ran over to the fence as fast as these little legs could carry me while the entire time the dog was in a corner barking. As I running to the fence to climb, the stupid dog charged me.

Vicious ass cocker spaniel!!!

It chased me around as I run in circles trying to get away from it. Finally it  attacked my thigh and took a small chunk outta me as I was climbing up.

Stupid dog!! To this day, I still have a scar. And I also lost my innocence. Before that I was very trusting of animals. Then, I was forever changed.

I should have gone for basketball that summer like I said I would. The only reason I didn’t is because I wanted to sleep in everyday and do nothing.

Laziness is a cool mistress my friends. Always remember your cardio.

Another important rule that I use is rule number 31: Check the Backseat.

Always check the backseat!!

You never know when there is going to be a mass murder, a serial killer, or a just a freak who saw that I was a fine piece of alone ass walking through Walmart and thought how romantic would it be to surprise her in the back of her Tahoe with a knife and some rope!!

I always check. Murder movies have taught me people will try to get you from your backseat. What scares me is that I have two back seats. My Tahoe seats eight people so it has an extended back seat. And even if I look back there , I still uncomfortable. I can’t tell you how many times I look in my rear view mirror just to make sure no head pops up.

This morning I freaked out. There was  some rustling sound in my back seat. I kept looking in the rearview mirror, thinking ‘Show yourself fucker!’ and finally I realized that someone had left an empty bag of cheetos and it was rustling around.


I can’t you tell you enough… always look in the back seat.

And that leads me to another rule that is very important. Rule number 2: Double Tap.

What does this mean?

Have you ever seen a movie where someone is in danger and they are able to hit their killer with something heavy? And then they walk away and then the killer wakes up and kills them. Then those fools deserved to die!!

They should have double tapped!!

Strike again! Again and again if you have to but always to it more than once!!

Clobber that mofo!! Once, twice …. three times a lady!!!

Because wouldn’t it a bitch if you hit a zombie/killer/ Buffalo Bill as hard as you can then you begin to run away and they grab your leg and pull you down and start strangling the living day lights outta you?!?!?

Haven’t we learned anything from movies?? They are there for a reason. Movies predict a time when Jasons, Micheal Myers, and zombies will roam. Preparation is key.

Double Tap people!!

Always double tap!!

I saw a saying tagged on a truck on my way to work. The tagger wrote, “the strong will survive”. He knows whats up!

Inform yourself!! Watch movies!! Learn new methods to defeat the enemies!!

Shitting in your pants is not an option!!!

That or buy a taser gun!!!

Comments on: "Shitting In Your Pants is Not An Option" (12)

  1. ” I kept looking in the rearview mirror, thinking ‘Show yourself fucker!’”
    Holly shit I’m lucky I wasn’t drinking anything when I read this. Cause I started laughing out loud!

  2. This would have been, Cacao, the second time you make me pee in my pants.

  3. My fellow holy fucker, how I laugh my ass off picturing you hopping that fence. Yes, cardio. I can sympathize only because I was chased by a dog on my way to school and thought I would die. Now, if I had never encountered such an event and still chose to laugh my ass off? Well that would just be plain fucking rude. Hahahahahha

    • Ahhhh yes. Stupid Cocker Spaniel… It has ruined the breed for me. Normally, they are cute but that dog was psycho!! A spawn of Cujo in a fluffy form.

  4. Definitely get a taser guy AND maybe buy some pepper spray too. I think that all of these rules can be used in real life, and that cocker spaniels are nasty little dogs. We always used to have to muzzle them back when I was a dog groomer because they wouldn’t hesitate to bite you!

  5. Disregard my comment on your last post about scars…. Apparently, you don’t need any more scars. Stoooopid dog.

    Now I want a Twinkie dammit. I blame you.

  6. How did I miss this??? Great post!

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