In the room where I sleep … my thoughts overflow.

Besides the wonderful day of Thanksgiving, my sister’s wedding was also this past week. How many times have I mentioned that here? None. I know I haven’t mentioned it on here at all. I really don’t know why. Maybe it was to NOT deal with it and NOT think about it. Because the very thought of it makes me wanna cry.

My sister and I were extremely close when we were little. She was my best friend and we did everything together. I was the oldest and I willingly and almost begged her to come with me everywhere. She knows all my dark secrets, things we don’t speak of , things we just smile about, and things we are embarrassed we did. She was the baby in the house and she was rightly treated as one.  Her and I were and still are so different.

So as the process  to planning her wedding went,  the more and more uncomfortable I got about it. I really started to pretend it was not happening. Truth is, we weren’t as close after I got married. I think in ways I think she felt I betrayed her. See, I married someone who wasn’t the same religion as my parents and my sister. So thus I created this wedge. However, I tried to make it work. I was constantly calling her, constantly asking her to do things with me, but she was pulling away.

After a while she grew up, she started her rebellious stage, had boyfriends, partied, and then finally got in engage. And on the day before her wedding, I was swept away with this wave emotion. She doesn’t need me anymore nor does she want too. I have this strong feeling that the cords have been cut. Truth is, I really haven’t felt I was important to her and she was to me. And now she and her husband plan to move away. I feel like I am losing her.

Friday I did.

I cried when she danced with my dad. It was because she is gone. She is no longer ours, she is his. And instead of growing up with me, she is going to go a different path. A different path that I can’t follow.

I was so depressed and emotionally all weekend. Gus kept asking me why I was sad, I couldn’t explain it. Am I happy for her? In a way. When I left the wedding reception, I went to hug my new brother-in-law, and I told him that I loved my sister and I welcome him to the family.  What I really wanted to tell him was if he hurts my sister in any way I will cut his balls off. He didn’t deserve my sister and I wished he would just give her back.

There are things at the wedding and even during the week that I just wanted to express to say to my sister. Things that she should have known already. Things that she could read in my voice but just ignored.Things that if I had said would not have mattered.

Even with her pushing me away for whatever reason, I don’t hate her. I want too. It would be easier. I just can’t. I want to mad at her for telling me she had no time for me, or for saying mean things behind my back about my money situation, the way I raise my kids, or even just me in general. But I can’t.

Why do I need her? She doesn’t need me. She never has.

The truth is, I can’t explain these feelings. I can’t the lump in my throat. I can’t explain the anger. I can’t explain that for the first time ever she actually left me behind.

Why can’t we just be sisters?

 

 

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Comments on: "Truth Is … I Don’t Know What the Truth Is" (14)

  1. *sigh* This is a tough one to read. I say that because my sister is getting married in less than a year. So I can relate to some of this…

  2. If you wrote your feelings into words here, why not right your feelings into words in a letter to her? It’s easier for some to express themselves on paper than it is face to face or in a phone call. If you don’t, it’s going to haunt you. Then it may be too late. What would it hurt if you sent her a note?

  3. oops, that should have been “write”, not “right”. I hate when I do that!!

  4. Family friendships can be the most precious yet most difficult there are. My brothers and I have had a rough ten years, some of our arguments are just us being very different people with very different views and some go deeper. It is hard. My thoughts are with you. I hope that at the very least there will be a time to air things out to help relieve the pressure.

  5. justmarriedgirl said:

    These things are so difficult. Even though I was so happy to be getting married, I felt sad to be “leaving” my family. It felt silly because I hadn’t lived with them in years, and I was in my thirties for heck’s sake. But, it just felt so strange to be going off and making a life with someone else. So, I completely empathize with your post, in a reverse kind of way.

    I’m sad that you’re sad, and I hope in time it gets better or that you find some kind of peace with all of it.

    Hugs.

    • Thanks. I remember when I got married I was happy but when I said good bye to my dad I could not stop crying my husband said I could stay at my moms house a little longer

  6. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, Marina. I just found out on Thanksgiving that my brother is moving to the other side of the country in a few months, and it’s been bugging me a lot, too.

  7. I’m so sorry Marina, it’s just so difficult with siblings sometimes, though we wish it was kind of just simple like when we were kids. It’s hard to feel that drifting between someone you were so close with and used to do everything with. I don’t think my brother will ever accept me getting married, or my fiancee, but the thing is I know in a way that he wouldn’t for any guy I will be with. He still sees me as a five year old, and has even admitted that, he can’t see how much I’ve changed.
    I’m thinking about you and hoping things get better.

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