Besides the wonderful day of Thanksgiving, my sister’s wedding was also this past week. How many times have I mentioned that here? None. I know I haven’t mentioned it on here at all. I really don’t know why. Maybe it was to NOT deal with it and NOT think about it. Because the very thought of it makes me wanna cry.
My sister and I were extremely close when we were little. She was my best friend and we did everything together. I was the oldest and I willingly and almost begged her to come with me everywhere. She knows all my dark secrets, things we don’t speak of , things we just smile about, and things we are embarrassed we did. She was the baby in the house and she was rightly treated as one. Her and I were and still are so different.
So as the process to planning her wedding went, the more and more uncomfortable I got about it. I really started to pretend it was not happening. Truth is, we weren’t as close after I got married. I think in ways I think she felt I betrayed her. See, I married someone who wasn’t the same religion as my parents and my sister. So thus I created this wedge. However, I tried to make it work. I was constantly calling her, constantly asking her to do things with me, but she was pulling away.
After a while she grew up, she started her rebellious stage, had boyfriends, partied, and then finally got in engage. And on the day before her wedding, I was swept away with this wave emotion. She doesn’t need me anymore nor does she want too. I have this strong feeling that the cords have been cut. Truth is, I really haven’t felt I was important to her and she was to me. And now she and her husband plan to move away. I feel like I am losing her.
Friday I did.
I cried when she danced with my dad. It was because she is gone. She is no longer ours, she is his. And instead of growing up with me, she is going to go a different path. A different path that I can’t follow.
I was so depressed and emotionally all weekend. Gus kept asking me why I was sad, I couldn’t explain it. Am I happy for her? In a way. When I left the wedding reception, I went to hug my new brother-in-law, and I told him that I loved my sister and I welcome him to the family. What I really wanted to tell him was if he hurts my sister in any way I will cut his balls off. He didn’t deserve my sister and I wished he would just give her back.
There are things at the wedding and even during the week that I just wanted to express to say to my sister. Things that she should have known already. Things that she could read in my voice but just ignored.Things that if I had said would not have mattered.
Even with her pushing me away for whatever reason, I don’t hate her. I want too. It would be easier. I just can’t. I want to mad at her for telling me she had no time for me, or for saying mean things behind my back about my money situation, the way I raise my kids, or even just me in general. But I can’t.
Why do I need her? She doesn’t need me. She never has.
The truth is, I can’t explain these feelings. I can’t the lump in my throat. I can’t explain the anger. I can’t explain that for the first time ever she actually left me behind.
Why can’t we just be sisters?