In the room where I sleep … my thoughts overflow.

Saturday I took advantage of the gift card I got for my birthday and went to get a massage.  It was desperately needed. It’s nice to be pampered to am I right?

It was an hour and half long and I loved every minute of it. I never wanted her to stop. It is amazing that this little girl who was smaller than me, skinny then me could inflict so much pain.

God Bless Her!!!

As much as she hurt me, it was great. I needed it. Extremely needed it! My favorite part out of the whole massage was having her do my feet.

I LOVED IT….

But it does take a while for me to “get there”…. to loving it. It’s hard to be comfortable when you are completely naked, covered by a sheet in front of a stranger. And then she starts rubbing you down with oil…. I think I saw those moves in a porno…

And do you talk to them? I always feel like they are bored. So I chit-chat with them for as long as I can. I do that with hair dressers too. I feel uncomfortable for them!!

So I asked her how she likes her job and how long she worked there and she would answer then she did some massage moves that shut me up and I was heaven… floating on a cloud. It was the hands and the feet.

Wow… if I could get a massage everyday I could.

Then I came home and stabbed my self with a tooth pic… directly in the foot.  I tweeted this Saturday but it’s still fresh!!

 

Oh my god!! I can not tell you what this felt like other then it felt like my foot got shanked!  I was getting myself a plate of food and walked to the kitchen. We had used toothpicks a few days ago to cook  jalapenos wrapped in cheese and bacon.  I was sure I cleaned up well. Apparently I missed one.

Right where the carpet meets the title laid a toothpick. I slid it up with my foot and stepped down and it broke in half. Half of the toothpick went in and the other half was sticking up in the carpet.

I fell to the floor and yelled for Gus cause I knew there was no way I could get it out myself. I am sitting there  thinking is this pain worse than child-birth?

Is it?

Is it?

And I could not remember.

I thought as I winced in pain, contractions are a horrible pain. Its like cramps but up  like 50 knots! This pain on my foot?? This shit is happening now…. there was something sharp and deep in my foot.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….

Fuck Toothpicks!! Burn them all! I hate em, I hate em, I hate em….

and with much struggle Gus got it out. And all that wonderful, delightful, relaxing foot rubbing was gone.

I sat there starting at the toothpick that had been lodged in my foot and thought… my foot is no longer a virgin. Its been penetrated!  I was heart broken.

I am starting to realize every time I go out and do something for myself like get my nails done or get a massage. Something will happen to me… badly!

Last year I went and got a mani, pedi, and a wax. I came home and my son was closing the door and it caught my foot lifting my toe nail completely off.

I went and got a massage and a wax and I stepped on a toothpick. Both times on my left foot. And it would happen as soon as I get home.

Its clear. The house is out to get me. And it wants my left foot.

 

 

 

 

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Comments on: "Wonderful Massages and the Art of Fucking Toothpicks" (16)

  1. TheIdiotSpeaketh said:

    LMAO!

  2. I love “my foot is no longer a virgin.” Haha!
    Sorry, girl. That sounds hellacious.

  3. I love the title of this blog! Hilarious!

    I’m sorry about your foot! That massage sounds so relaxing! Then to have that happen!
    Whenever you have something nice done to you, just sit still. Don’t go anywhere. Just sit. It’s safer that way.

  4. I am so sorry you had a perfectly lovely day ruined by a small ponty thing…it is bascially just like bad sex! Small, pointy, you didn’t plan on it being that bad…ugh, the horror! I hope your foot is less sore today at least.

  5. Ohhh… I love this post!! I’m so excited you got yourself a massage! I’d ask the classic question I always ask my clients/co-workers after they get a massage which is: Was she better than me? But, since you haven’t met my magic hands of glory, I can’t ask that. You poor thing though, that toothpick injury looks like out of a horror movie!

  6. 🙂 Love the way you write:

  7. Sorry about the poke.
    But OMG it’s fucking hilarious

  8. Hahahahahaha. First I’m going to admit I refuse to go get a massage. I can’t stand people I don’t know touching me. My body is a temple that I regularly fill my copious amounts of alcohol and you must earn the right to touch this shit. Hahahaha. Its true, I can’t do it. Besides, if I am going to lay naked in front of some woman who is rubbing me down, what do I get out of it? I can’t just lay there…. geez.

    I have had a toothpick get stuck in the palm of my hand before so I can totally feel your pain. Toothpicks blow monkey chunks. So the lesson of the day is? Stay away from people who touch your feet. Have you ever met anyone with a foot fetish? Strange……..

  9. Next time you come home from pampering, wear some type of protective bubble. Or just move around a lot.

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