Now Hiring- Will You Be My Hero

I got here today at work in such a good mood it’s actually making me sick. I am disgusted with myself.  I didn’t get much sleep last night. I woke up at about 2am with the sound of something crashing in the kitchen. Not even a second before that crash Ryan laid up in bed and said something about his sisters. I don’t know if he was talking in is sleep or what but his voice woke me up and then that crash happened.

For some reason at 2 am I was able to reason what it was but I was too scared to calm myself down. I go into the closet and unlock the shot-gun and slowly make my way through the hall to the kitchen.

As I expected, a box full of plastic silver ware fell from on top of the kitchen. I was weirded out because  could have sworn … in fact I am sure I put it on the frig in the center …. but the way it fell it fell to the side. Strange.

So after that I looked in the front yard, rechecked all the doors, checked out all the rooms and the garage. However, I was scared out of my mind. Not only that I was so hot last night that I had the window wide open. Now I was afraid that someone one was gonna try to get in through the window.  So needless to say I kept waking up and looking at the window.

It just reminded me this morning that I am sick of having so much responsibility. I am tired of being the protector at my home. I mean, I am doing it, but god I might have a nervous breakdown soon enough.

Being responsible sucks. I am tired of making decisions. So I have decided to demote myself down to being a sidekick. And I am now hiring for someone to be my Batman so I can be their Robin.

I won't have much of a package as the real Robin.

For the most part…. I am super easy-going. Nothing bothers me. I am chill! I am also super optimistic.  So I will make a great partner. I will be the opinion-less partner.

For now on, you decide what we are eating or where. You can pick what I wear. You can tell me when to do the dishes or when to do the laundry.  Hell you can do it! Especially if I don’t do it to your expectations.

You talk and I will just listen.

I am just tired of making all the decisions.

However with any clause, there are some guidelines that need to be addressed before someone takes the job. You may be my Batman but even Batman doesn’t wear Robin’s spandex.

I hope that makes sense. It made sense it my head.

Guidelines:

1. Do not talk bad about Kim Kardashian. I love her.

Nope! Don't say it!

2. If you choose to eat Pizza a lot, we will get along just fine.

3. When you make me sandwiches, can you cut the edges off? And if you can make fancy designs with the sandwiches, that’ll be great.

Exactly!!!

4. Please listen to me. When I see a movie or read a book, I will believe it changed me for the better. But don’t worry, it will go away within a day or so.

5. You gotta agree my kids are the cutest kids in Texas. In Texas!

6. Yes you can send those ugly brats to the corner.

7. I am totally ok with microwavable food. Food is food.

8. I will panic if there is no tea or coke in the house.

9. I am a movie freak.  You don’t have to watch all the movies but for sure the scary ones.

10. Don’t touch my hair. I am not one those girls that likes their hair played with but if you wanna massage my feet, go right ahead!

So if you feel I ain’t that much of worry, feel free to send me to an application indicating why you make a good hero for me. Note: Superhero uniforms are totally up to you just don’t put me in anything lime green or boots that have a super high heel. Because then  I won’t run or even walk for shit. Remember I will be your Ugly Betty.

I will let you know if you posse the qualities to ward off all the “evils” that bother me. I will let you know as soon as I find someone to do all this reading that this interviewing process will entail.

Now if you excuse me,  I must send this secretary back to her desk so she doesn’t get in trouble for typing this post.