In the room where I sleep … my thoughts overflow.

Ok obviously since I saw that movie, The Wild and Wonderful  Whites of West Virginia, that is all I have been thinking about.

I think I am just more amazed by the fact that there is a still an area where a family would live like this. That they would thrive on being this way. To you and I, they are stupid, uneducated, and the fact that they don’t do anything to better their lives is mind-boggling. They live poor, act poor, but somehow still party and drink. They are the epitome of all hillbilly descriptions. Double wide traliers, missing teeth, heavy ass accents that no one can understand…

Another thing that caught my interest was the fact that they are called the last outlaw family. Really? Outlaw? That word is not even used anymore.  I hear outlaws and I think of cowboys and the Wild West with Jesse James, Billy the Kid, etc etc.

It’s kinda sad … its like a piece of history is floating away… even though I am scared shitless of the Whites. Those crazy ass partying bastards. I bet they would be pretty cool to party with! The women of the White Family are supreme bitches! They should put those girls on Bad Girls Club! And finally some real shit will be torn up!!

I was thinking when I was on my thinking mountain on my way to work  (you  know, the mountain that I am convinced is gonna kill me one day) what other outlaw families have existed that I never thought about.

So I came up with this list.

 The Gogans

Ah yes the Gogans. They were evil trifling hillbilly outlaw family. They appear in the movie

 

 

 

  1. A Hillbilly is a person with an extra appendage or other deformity as a result of too much inbreeding.

  2. Famous Hillbillies include: that kid from Deliverance, you know the one with the banjo.

  3. Hillbillies can usually be identified through their toting of shotguns, bare hairy feet, chewing of tobacco, rank odor, and very poor haircuts.

  4. They go by names like Sue Bob, Daisy-Mae, Billy-Bubba, Billy-Joe, Billy-Bob, Jimmy-James, Johnny-Jack, Brangelina, George-Dubya,

  5. Hillbilly families are, on average, at least two times wider than normal, hence the “dubbuhwad” or double-wide trailer home. The females of the species are known to wander the countryside and litter it with womb-droppings everywhere they go.

  6. Outsiders will grow confused when they hear Hillbillies converse amongst themselves. To the outsider phrases like, “Aunt Maw will ya let me be guldangit!” and “Uncle Paw did yoo eet the las’ pig’s feet?” cause confusion. Until one realizes that when your mother and father are brother and sister your aunt and uncle and mother and father are one and the same (got that?). Hence Uncle Paw and Aunt Maw.

  7. Most male hillbillies will wear checked shirts and overalls.  The female hillbilly will wear revealing hot pants, knee high boots and a shirt that’s knotted a tad too high (like Daisy Duke from Dukes of Hazard). Their hair will be caught up into a Dolly Parton style beehive if they are married.

  8. Hillbillies don’t get along with: Blacks, Mexicans, Gay Cowboys,  Amish, Muslims,  Dentists, Chinese, Japanese, Those who shower, Italians who are looking to score, Hippies, Germans, Commies, Hilary Clinton, Any gay person what so ever, Non-incestous people, Sober People

  9. Hillbillies do get along with: Hilbillies, Bill Clinton, Sisters, brother, mothers, fathers of hilbillies, the prize-winning pig of hillbillies, The President (as long as he is white), Booze, Moonshine, the preacher man.

  10. Regions they live in: West Virginia, eastern Tennessee, southern Missouri, Arkansas, and Alabama. Some have even been spotted in Georgia.

Another interesting fact about hillbillies is that visitors from other worlds visit the homes of hillbillies at a much higher rate than the homes of normal people. The aliens  have a tendency to insert various “probes”, such as empty beer cans, light bulbs, their brother’s penis, or family pets into the assholes of hillbillies while they are asleep. Some researchers have suggested that these “visitations” are in fact hoaxes perpetrated during drunken family orgies but the same researchers have been unable to explain why tornadoes are attracted to the trailer homes of hillbillies.

I hope this has been very informative.  And please stay away from West Virginia. They run rampant there!

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Comments on: "“You Sure Got a Purdy Mouth” – Hillbillies and the Danger Thereof" (12)

  1. firecracker3 said:

    I give you props for sitting through movies. You must really like to watch them. I don’t sit still long enough for that most of the time. The 10 points on the hillbillies was freakin’ great!

  2. Since you now the expert on hillbillyism could you tell me if there are any international hillbillies?

  3. Ha! I am cracking up! Good post! I’m a little disturbed though that I am married to a Billy and I’m named after my gpa James. Oh my god! Do we have hillbilly blood??? aaaaaaaack!

    • AS long as you refuse to live in a souble wide AND you practice personal dental hygiene …. you are safe. Trust me I wont tell anyone that you are a Hillbilly.

  4. Hillbillies also have to have the I.Q. of a squirrel. Which may because they eat lots of them with taking up whatever roadkill they can grab for supper. I definitely love your movie reviews and how you put yourself through it, I can watch certain movies, but other kinds you can’t pay me to sit through them. When they screw with my head afterwards that’s when I want to be paid back for watching it.

  5. Hahaha! The moment I hear the word hill billy – I think of Deliverance and a banjo playing in the background. It sends shivers down my spine! Or, maybe it’s just the image of Burt Reynolds in Leather Pants?

  6. Are they from Pete’s Dragon? They look very familiar.

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