In the room where I sleep … my thoughts overflow.

 

I don’t mean to be political because I absolutely know nothing about politics. Seriously I don’t know anything. I know nothing about Barak but I think so far he is trying his best. He came into a shitty situation.

But hey people it could be worse…

Worse!

I could be president.

This is how I would break it down.

After winning the election and that is to assume that I have charmed the country’s pants off.. I would take a week vacation!

Yes automatic week vacation…. uhhh for meditation of course.

I don’t mean to use taxpayers’ money but I just signed up  for the hardest job in the world… I may need a week to get my affairs in order. Bear with me people.

So for the first week.. it is absolutely confidential!

 

Alright! Alright! I will let you on the secret… but this is the only time.

I will wake up every morning bright and early at 11 am to begin the tasks. I will lie in my bed and watch The View while I have my White House chef cater to my needs. I plan not to leave my bed… ever for that first week. Anything needed can be brought to me and I will sign and review in my bed. By lunch time, I think I will  need a nap and a Cajun turkey sandwich.

After a brisk nap, I  may get my nails and toenails done. 

Shopping will be taken care of too. I need to look good as your president. So I will close down certain stores and have them deliver their merchandise to my White House. Hmmm maybe like Jareds Saks Fifth Avenue, etc…

Basically that will be the first week.

 Don’t worry after this well rested week I will push my sleeves up and get ready for some work. Everywhere I go.. when I get into or our of a car, when I walk into a building with an entourage… this song must be playing all the time.

And I will walk in slow motion every time!

I am pretty sure for the most part things will go smoothly. However, nothing can happen in the world on Tuesday evenings and Thursday evenings. Tuesday is Teen Mom and I don’t miss that show for anyone!! Sorry Japan. And Thursdays are completely booked up! CBS and NBC have a line up that even the President herself could have arranged!

Other than that we are good. Well I will keep you all updated on my TV schedule.

Everything that you see with the current President will be the same with me. I will of course have the assistance of the secret service. Along with them, I will have around the clock make up and hair team as well. They will be with my as much as the Secret Service.

Oh and the White House….

Its getting a face lift. Majorly!!

Obviously I am going to push for free health care especially for children. I will push for paid maternity leave. I will bring back the middle class and help and support their family unit, raise their family and still be able to send their kids to college without breaking the bank.

And this whole debt ceiling thing? Done!

 I would have mandatory bikini car washes… I guarantee that after a month of car washes we could totally cure our debt and then some. You guys feel like buying China???

Are you a convicted sex offender?

Boom automatic castration!! Holla…. that’s how I roll!

I am merciful but I believe in an eye for eye. Don’t fuck with our children!!

I would totally be tolerate of all religions as long as you don’t fuck up anyone else’s freedom. In fact each month I will take on a new religion. Last month I was honoring the Meatball Monster in the sky, this month I am a Frisbyterian.

I don’t care how weird your religion is- you will not be persecuted!!

However, the truth is I am a woman. And not to say that a woman can’t do the job… but I don’t know if I can do the job.

There is always that time of the month…

And with me especially… even being president… this will more likely be me…

God, cause if it were up to me, the world would close down during my period. I am no use to anyone. In fact I probably would look high or hung over. I am emotional wreck. I would be crying at everything. You know tabloids and polls would get to me. I would be depressed if my polls go down .002!!

And then trying to rule the world…

“Afghanistan why are you soooo mean!! *sobs* Why? We need to just get along?!?! *sobbing even louder* Fuck it- just bomb them.. just bomb them.”

And if I had a fight with my husband…. that would be worse.

I would be at a conference with Pakistan and this is how it would sound…

Pakistan president: I feel the US government needs let us handle our own issues and..

Me: What?!?! You don’t need us anymore?!? Thats so typical! After all we have done for you!!  We have practically dressed you, ironed your shit, fed you, stood by you when times got rough and you just dump us and move on to the next best thing?!?! “

I would be a mess….crying at every sad event on TV.

I would be a mess. A royal one. And there would be pics of me everywhere stuffing my face with tacos and burgers. McDonald’s would love me!

Now imagine that for 4 years.

I can… I mean life would be great for me. Maybe not for you….

I would make new holidays.

May 15 would be Slip n Slide day… Sept 8 Marina is the best President day… all kinds of holidays for the family!

Obviously I have a few ideas of what Prez would be like for me…. but its probably best that I don’t. You know run…due to the emotional rollarcoaster that is my life. And my quick impulses to wanna nuke bastards.

I say this cause I care! I fucking care.

America, fuck yeah!!!

 

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Comments on: "Why I Would NOT Make a Good President" (21)

  1. TheIdiotSpeaketh said:

    You got my vote! Can I be Minister of Idiocracy? 🙂

  2. Hahaha! 🙂
    Funny!

  3. I was 99% sure I would vote for you, and then you said “Slip n Slide Day” and I became 110% sure.

  4. This is hilarious and you know, you probably on slightly exaggerated what goes on.
    I cant believe that the president has never flip out on someone, or take a nap or something. After all he’s human too.

    Interesting blog, you have a new subscriber 🙂

  5. Can I run with you as your VP??? We would so rock it! We could change the National Anthem to “don’t stop the Rock”! WORD

    • Yes!! This would be are our attempt to make USA stay cool !!

      • OK so if Fnky is gonna be your VP, I’m going to elect myself as the first lady. Hey, this slot needs to be filled. Don’t judge me. I promise to accompany you on all your shopping adventures, to clean my plate when fed by the White House chef, and to protect you from hideous polish at the nail salon until death do us part. Amen.

        Oh….and I’ll totally sign the petition for changing the national anthem to “Dont stop the Rock”

      • You were already gonna be my wife!! You can calm me down when my hair does not come up and I will all my duties to you come PMS season!!

  6. ‘You guys feel like buying China???’ Hahaha. You get my vote.

  7. Dude! I want to be part of your entourage.
    Marina for prez ya’all!

  8. I heard that Winston Churchill had a bottle of Remy Martin and a pound of chocolates for breakfast every day. That seems like a tradition that should be carried across the pond. Also, if you were president, I bet Ted Nugent would play Stranglehold for you himself. He would lead your entourage, and he could pack his bow & arrow as backup security.

  9. justmarriedgirl said:

    Haha. I would not want the job, but if I got it, I’d definitely make it mandatory that every weekend be a three day weekend.

  10. Oh, I want you to be President for sure! Do you know that some companies even provide Paternity leave for fathers?? How crazy is that? Love the bikini car washes too and the castration for sex offenders, take the problem away from them… literally!

  11. “And I will walk in slow motion every time!” Dont forget the wind blowing your hair OH and giving that “look” you know which one – the kind that you start to point at people. HA! LOVE IT! Oh man I cant upload the picture!

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