I don’t mean to be political because I absolutely know nothing about politics. Seriously I don’t know anything. I know nothing about Barak but I think so far he is trying his best. He came into a shitty situation.
But hey people it could be worse…
I could be president.
This is how I would break it down.
After winning the election and that is to assume that I have charmed the country’s pants off.. I would take a week vacation!
Yes automatic week vacation…. uhhh for meditation of course.
I don’t mean to use taxpayers’ money but I just signed up for the hardest job in the world… I may need a week to get my affairs in order. Bear with me people.
So for the first week.. it is absolutely confidential!
Alright! Alright! I will let you on the secret… but this is the only time.
I will wake up every morning bright and early at 11 am to begin the tasks. I will lie in my bed and watch The View while I have my White House chef cater to my needs. I plan not to leave my bed… ever for that first week. Anything needed can be brought to me and I will sign and review in my bed. By lunch time, I think I will need a nap and a Cajun turkey sandwich.
After a brisk nap, I may get my nails and toenails done.
Shopping will be taken care of too. I need to look good as your president. So I will close down certain stores and have them deliver their merchandise to my White House. Hmmm maybe like Jareds Saks Fifth Avenue, etc…
Basically that will be the first week.
Don’t worry after this well rested week I will push my sleeves up and get ready for some work. Everywhere I go.. when I get into or our of a car, when I walk into a building with an entourage… this song must be playing all the time.
And I will walk in slow motion every time!
I am pretty sure for the most part things will go smoothly. However, nothing can happen in the world on Tuesday evenings and Thursday evenings. Tuesday is Teen Mom and I don’t miss that show for anyone!! Sorry Japan. And Thursdays are completely booked up! CBS and NBC have a line up that even the President herself could have arranged!
Other than that we are good. Well I will keep you all updated on my TV schedule.
Everything that you see with the current President will be the same with me. I will of course have the assistance of the secret service. Along with them, I will have around the clock make up and hair team as well. They will be with my as much as the Secret Service.
Oh and the White House….
Its getting a face lift. Majorly!!
Obviously I am going to push for free health care especially for children. I will push for paid maternity leave. I will bring back the middle class and help and support their family unit, raise their family and still be able to send their kids to college without breaking the bank.
And this whole debt ceiling thing? Done!
I would have mandatory bikini car washes… I guarantee that after a month of car washes we could totally cure our debt and then some. You guys feel like buying China???
Are you a convicted sex offender?
Boom automatic castration!! Holla…. that’s how I roll!
I am merciful but I believe in an eye for eye. Don’t fuck with our children!!
I would totally be tolerate of all religions as long as you don’t fuck up anyone else’s freedom. In fact each month I will take on a new religion. Last month I was honoring the Meatball Monster in the sky, this month I am a Frisbyterian.
I don’t care how weird your religion is- you will not be persecuted!!
However, the truth is I am a woman. And not to say that a woman can’t do the job… but I don’t know if I can do the job.
There is always that time of the month…
And with me especially… even being president… this will more likely be me…
God, cause if it were up to me, the world would close down during my period. I am no use to anyone. In fact I probably would look high or hung over. I am emotional wreck. I would be crying at everything. You know tabloids and polls would get to me. I would be depressed if my polls go down .002!!
And then trying to rule the world…
“Afghanistan why are you soooo mean!! *sobs* Why? We need to just get along?!?! *sobbing even louder* Fuck it- just bomb them.. just bomb them.”
And if I had a fight with my husband…. that would be worse.
I would be at a conference with Pakistan and this is how it would sound…
Pakistan president: I feel the US government needs let us handle our own issues and..
Me: What?!?! You don’t need us anymore?!? Thats so typical! After all we have done for you!! We have practically dressed you, ironed your shit, fed you, stood by you when times got rough and you just dump us and move on to the next best thing?!?! “
I would be a mess….crying at every sad event on TV.
I would be a mess. A royal one. And there would be pics of me everywhere stuffing my face with tacos and burgers. McDonald’s would love me!
Now imagine that for 4 years.
I can… I mean life would be great for me. Maybe not for you….
I would make new holidays.
May 15 would be Slip n Slide day… Sept 8 Marina is the best President day… all kinds of holidays for the family!
Obviously I have a few ideas of what Prez would be like for me…. but its probably best that I don’t. You know run…due to the emotional rollarcoaster that is my life. And my quick impulses to wanna nuke bastards.
I say this cause I care! I fucking care.
America, fuck yeah!!!