My therapist says I need to talk about the bent out moments life has misshapen for me.
He says I have improved. I am no longer in a corner sucking my thumb and rocking.
Major improvement he says!
So I have climbed this blogger mountain to pour out my soul. Remember the less you laugh, the more chance you have to keep your tongue.
Or do I?
Looking into my past I see exactly how messed up my life got.
Can you pinpoint an exact moment?
I was 5 years old and entered Kindergarten at a nearby elementary school. I remember those days as happy days. I wore dresses to school, my hair was done pretty, and I had lots of friends.
The thing is I knew I had good friends. I remember one time right before treat time, I angered the teacher and I was not rewarded with a treat. I remember all the kids were sitting in a circle on the rug on the floor. As soon as the teacher turned her back, one by one, the girls in my class each cut a piece of their treat and gave it to me.
I knew even then that this treatment was very special. I never asked for it or required it. They just simply gave.
They were my life line and they liked me and made me feel loved and accepted even in Kinder.
One afternoon, after school, changed my world and set the wheels in motion.
My parents informed me that I would be moving new school. Not very far, in fact a block away. However, because of the new house we were moving too, the school boundaries were stern on where and where not I could attend school.
I remember my first day in the new school very well. That day I was not dressed up nice as usual. I wore jeans, a regular tee, and my hair was brushed down. From the current move, we were still unpacking and sorting things out.
I remember sitting on the mat in class and being surrounded by all the students and not seeing a welcoming face. I tried talking to this one student named Annette. She had long hair, and wasn’t that pretty. As soon as I talked to her, she informed me that she was friends with someone else.
I remember in the class the girls ratio to boys was low. So yes, instead of having girl friends I was stuck with these boys. These boys who were already annoying and disgusting. Not like the boys who kept to themselves in my other school.
One boy promptly sat next to me and informed my new teacher and the rest of the class that I was going to marry him.
I was mortified. What the hell? Had my little mind been more advanced like it is now I would have slugged the bastard in the face and said, ” I don’t marry retards you dumbass. Now wipe the drool from your chin you pussy.”
However at that age, you can’t really express your anger. So instead my anger was turned into tears.
Which goes to show you, men do not change. Fuckers think they got the reins on everything.
So for the next few days, I spent the days avoiding him especially in lunch when he would follow me around trying to kiss me.
Ugh disgusting. I remember his name was Danny. Danny something or other. He was only 5 but he was already on his way to sexual assault!
So anyways, my days were spent alone. It seemed as if all the little girls were taken up by other girls and there was no room in their club for one more.
One day the class next door came into our room to play and sing songs. Immediately after we were allowed for a nap. A girl named Vanessa came over to where I had nestled down. She immediately started talking to me. We giggled and talked all through nap time.
We were besties instantly.
We weren’t in the same class of course but lucky for us our teachers did everything to gether so we were able to still play with each other.
I remember we would sing songs and clap along and we would play with each other’s hair.
All things that make me gag now.
One day, she came into my classroom. And in her hand was another hand. Apparently her class had got a new student. Her name was Melissa. Her name rings ugly!
Vanessa immediately brought her towards me and said that we should teach her our clapping game. Hesitate at first, I saw that nothing had changed. So I played with both the girls. Weirdly enough, as Vanessa and Melissa’s class got ready to leave Vanessa out of nowhere assured me that her and I were still best friends.
I don’t even remember asking or showing concern. What the fuck!!
The next day when Vanessa’s class came; she was of course holding Melissa’s hand and came to the mat and sat somewhere entirely somewhere else. I got up and moved toward them. I started talking to both the girls but their lack of acknowledgement showed me that I was no longer wanted.
Bitches! I mean…. Witches!
I sat there staring at them as they played with each other’s hair and laughed.
I was crushed!!! That bitch stole my best friend!
Lunch time was rough. I would see them playing and running.
Eventually I mingled in. And when I say mingled in, I mean I had given up and was forced to play with the boys.
I saw three boys pretending to be ninja turtles. I liked the ninja turtles. I walked over there and asked if I could play. They being boys who really don’t have much of an opinion at all said yes. They told me I could be April the reporter. I told them no way! I was going to Raphael because he was my favorite.
They couldn’t believe I wanted to be a ninja turtle! They asked me if I could kick high. So I should them my best in-the-air kick. They asked if I could fight. I did some amateur punching moves. And you know what? They were totally cool with me being Raphael.
As my school years continued, I learned that boys were the best kind of friends. They were not judgmental and it was always about having a good time. I eventually took up sports like my guy friends.
My dress even changed. I demanded tennis shoes, and jeans (that eventually would get holes in them) and long shirts with cars and trucks on them.
Pretty soon girls were foreign to me.
I didn’t even know how to talk to one if I tried.
Vanessa and Melissa did get pay back for their evil ways. One day during P.E. we were playing kick ball. It was girls verses boys. However, the boys picked me on their team. Their defense? “Marina isn’t really a girl. She can kick the ball farther than us.”
So I was on the boys’ team. When it was my turn to kick the ball, I gave it such a smack that it smack Melissa right in the nose causing her nose to spit out blood.
It was awesome! The blood splattered everywhere including her never-out-of-her-sight best friend.
That wasn’t planned. But if there was a day I believed in Jesus, that day was it!
That has pretty much summed up my relationships with girls.
Obviously in time, I made way for trust for girls to be my friends again. Yet if it wasn’t for the dudes I don’t know I would have spent childhood. I can still throw and catch a football like no ones business. In fact, you should see me play football! I still got it! I should have been a boy!!!
I feel better now that I have poured out my soul.
Now if you excuse me, I am going to go stab a doll.