In the room where I sleep … my thoughts overflow.

This weekend I sat in a room at a table with women. Total upgrade from usual posse. A 5 yr old, 4 yr old and a 2-year-old. There was actually less yelling at the women’s table believe it or not.

Yet it was a total reminder on how I stick out like a sore thumb.

The conversation was about weddings and how much ones should cost, taxes, mortgages, blah blah blah. I sat there and pretended to be interested. I was the only one at the table with kids and I was the least boring one. What the hell!

Are women normally this boring? Cause I don’t wanna be a woman. Is there a plan C?

I was cracking jokes and trying to liven the conversation to anything. Truth be told I know nothing of weddings. I didn’t have one. I went to the court-house to get hitched.  May I remind you that is how Carrie Bradshaw and BIG did it in Sex and the City! Total chic people!!

Weddings are as foreign to me as fancy undies. Fancy undies prick me. So do weddings. Would I have liked one ? Sure, but only if you would pay for it. Actually I just would like to wear a dress once and have a reception cause I love to dance.

Yet these ladies were talking about “destination weddings” and catering. This is when it hit me.

I am low maintenance! And I do not know another chick who is not! That made me sad.

Either I am dying breed or Thank God I am a dying breed!

Catering? Yes they want servers to serve caviar and crackers with goo on them. What happened to bbq catering?!?! Or damn it a simple steak order? Ok I get it. It’s a wedding and its suppose to be fancy. However. I never got the book on fancy. So excccuuusssse meeee!

They also talked about wedding budgets. I was floored with their price ranges. $20,000? Thats insane! Then it hit me. I am a dying breed! My soul is from the 40’s!

The conversation went on to home buying and loans and my buzz was gone. I felt like I was at work. I probably either look bored or lost cause of one the girls asked me, “Right Marina?”

“Oh yea I completely understand.” But no I didn’t.

Where do women like Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte live?

 What did I wanna talk about?

Maybe movies, possible tattoos, gun shot wounds, sex (yours not mine), drunk experiences, stupid things men do, fat people in Wal-Mart, music, stupid shit, funny shit, scary shit, anything shit. Just not boring regular life shit.

 Well that’s what this blog is for. To put out the random shit I wanna say in public but can’t.

 So what do I wanna talk about?

 In seventh grade in art class, my art Navajo teacher was drawing at his desk while us students who were suppose to be drawing were fooling around. Someone made a loud pop sound and the teacher jumped out of his chair. We did know at the time that he was a vet from Vietnam. What we didn’t know was that he was fucking crazy!

 After he practically hit the roof from the loud sound, he looked at with anger. I think for a moment he lost it and was sent spiraling back to the war days. He kept telling us to get down and was telling us in military sign launguage that he was watching us. I was like damn it we are going to die. I knew he carried a knife on his ankle because I has seen it. Old man usually equals high watered pants. I was not ready to be scalped.

He started to talk to us in his Navajo language. Nobody moved a muscle. After awhile when it was absolutely quiet and we all were stunned,  he came over to my area and said “No loud sounds ever!”

He told us he has served in the Vietnam was and it made him a little jittery. A little? Then he smiled and asked if we all wanted to see his bullet wound. As morbid and stupid teens, we were all game.

So he undid his pants, turned around and showed his ass! Yes there was a bullet wound. It looks like a wrinkled crater. But that ass! That ass scared me. To Death. Now I all about the cocoa butter. It does put the lotion on the skin!!!

May I never see a flat wrinkled ass like that again!

See if someone told me a story like that … well they would have gotten a ribbon for best story-teller of the day. And I would have shared my alcohol!

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Comments on: "I Understand Completely … wait no I don’t." (35)

  1. You need to come and hang out with us! Our conversations usually takes the gross guy turn and becomes disgusting and vulgar. 😉 We don’t talk about all that boring crap.

  2. I’m pretty low maintenance, too. I can’t imagine spending that much money on a wedding!

    I can’t believe your teacher dropped his pants!

  3. ryoko861 said:

    LMAO!! OMG, that’s hysterical! Now you’re traumatized! That’s an image you will carry with your FOR-EVER! And I’m getting one as well. Not pretty! I’m sure someone went to the office and reported that. There’s always one!

    I had a wedding. Mom had to plan it. I knew zippo about planning a wedding. I’d never gone to one, how would I know? I knew how to plan keg parties, no problem there, but fancy weddings. Mom had to tell me “Now go look for a dress.” and “Now call the florist.” and “Fill out the invitations”. OMG, NEVER AGAIN! (or as I like to say “Fuck that shit!”) If I ever happen to come across that situation again I’m eloping.

    Yeah, I know what you mean. Mortgages? Who the hell talks about their freakin’ mortgage with eachother? That’s privileged information. None of anyone’s business actually. Now I’m in the opposite position you’re in. I’m usually the one WITHOUT young kids sitting with women WITH young kids.

    • Right! What is so wrong with Vegas … I wanna get married by the king!!
      I love what you said : I knew how to plan keg parties, no problem there,
      Now i know who I am contacting for my anniversary party!! Its gonna be a Keg party!!!

  4. firecracker3 said:

    Hmmm, okay, well I am high maintenance with a lot of things but wedding stuff isn’t one of them. I told my parents to spend the wedding budget if they had one for me. Being a financial advisor I can’t see the justification of spending money most people DON’T have on a one-time deal and with a divorce rate still at 50% that is a horrible investment decision! I like me some fancy dinners and cloth napkins but I will do that anyday of the week just because life is short, why not?! But I will also discuss total guy things at that same dinner and depending on with whom I am having dinner, have sex on that same dinner table as “dessert.” Yeah, I am classy like that! I like to think of it as FUN! 🙂 Overall, people are uptight too often and you can still be tactful and fun without being boring. You are great the way you are! 🙂

    • Thanks … I have been told by women that I am weird. I agree. If I was trying to talk about the time I threw up after a night of boozing and dancing in my youngin days. And they just look at me like, “you never say the word threw up!”
      I am horrifying … apparently.

  5. Girl, I am with you all the way. I feel very starnge around a bunch of women. I had a wedding it cost 1 grand which is till way too much. 20/20 should have eloped. I will sedn you my wedding dress if you want to parade around in it and you can throw a after the fact wedding party and get everyone to bring you gifts and booze.

    Oh and teacher story, priceless. I totally would have bought you a drink after telling that one, it deserves a drink.

  6. Let Gus know he’s a lucky man and so are your parents. My first wife was hell whaen it came to our wedding. Made her parents refinance to pay for the $35,000 wedding. Thats just another reason I love Thy. I think she would shoot me if I thought that was ok. You know how many almond joy shots that would buy.

    As far as your story goes you’re right. Funny is always better then real boring life when in a group of friends. you made me miss high school for a split second.

    • Oh Gus knows. Especially cause I can hang … but I am totally not cool. More like lamo-o. Dorky. But he gets it!
      Yeah Thy would never do that. Buying $30,000 worth of Almond Joy shots is a different story.

      • And that’s why I live her and we shall grow old together drinking on the front lawn. (in our rocking chairs and shot guns of course)

      • I wanna rock that future too!

      • Ok I am totally being rude here and commenting on someone else’s comment but Almond Joy Shots?! Do such things exist? I have never been a creative shot gal, i’m more of a lets drink the bottle person BUT I LOVE Almond Joy candy bars and if the shot is ANYTHING like the candy, fuckin A!

      • yes there is…. it sounds yummy doesn’t it!

      • First of all, I think that you and I really need to get together and tear up this damn city. You sound just like me but in a Texan kind of way. The only difference? I’ll talk about your sex, my sex, any sex doesn’t matter. Let me invest in $30,000 worth of almond joy shots and hell, I’d even talk about alien sex at that point!

        I can’t hang with the average female for some of the same reasons. There is no way in hell that I’d pay tens of thousands of dollars on a wedding when I could spend a couple grand instead and have a hell of a time enjoying myself afterwards with Mr T. I’m not here to finance your enjoyment, just mine. I’m greedy. I’d rather discuss (as you can tell from my blog) the stupidity of man, the people of Walmart, drunken adventures, sex, music, movies and stories that will make you piss your pants.

        Phew, I need a drink!

      • You are my kind of drink of water!!!

  7. First of all “art Navajo teacher” = Awesome. Seriously.
    I love my friends because we are all very chill and low maintenance. A dinner together usually ends up with a little piddle in my pants, but it’s the good pee so I don’t mind.
    Could you imagine if a teacher showed his class his ass, today? It would be all over the news. I would still think it was hilarious, though.

  8. My friends and I might be a little young … but you would absolutely fit in. All we want to talk about is stories like that and sex and stupid shit we do.

  9. I can do both! I can be sitting in a fancy smanshy event with “those kind of women” chatting it up like nothing. Then go hang out with the kitchen crew and start acting like one of bus boys.
    I’m cool that way 😉

    Oh if you ever won’t to relive old memories I can send you a picture of my ass. 😀

  10. A lot of people are just boring. They have nothing interesting to talk about and don’t know how jazz up their dull conversations.

    If you’re a dying breed, I’m keeling over right beside you!

    I did the wedding thing – spent about £100 – second hand rings, a borrowed dress from my sister-in-law, flowers from the garden, and our our best man did the reception food as a present. It was a fabulous day. The marriage was crap, but the day istelf was great! 🙂

  11. Loved this post! I guarantee you my 7th grade art class was not that interesting. Though my science teacher was a little. . .animated. My wedding: informal beach BBQ. My divorced friend gave me her couture wedding dress and I put iron-on bedazzled skulls on it. My step son was the best man (age 5) and he ran away during the ceremony. We had a kick ass band and they made us sword fight to Kung Fu Fighting. Awesome. I think you just need to keep looking- you’ll find your people!

  12. Man, I love you even more than before, you did the whole courthouse thing too! Fantastic! I love that, that’s what I’ll be doing for my ‘wedding’, and everyone has suggestions on what to be doing like a destination wedding, etc. I just want it cheap, quick, and badabing, badaboom! And I totally love dancing too, I’m a dancing fool, but no one ever wants to dance with me.

  13. Believe me,
    there’s a damn good reason us chicks watch “SEX AND THE CITY!”
    They are the girlfriends we all want …. and the lives we all envy 🙂
    Well, At least most of my girlfriends are like that…
    Enjoyed your blog!

  14. Well, you’d certainly get a ribbon from me because that IS a great story! How did the school board never find out about this guy dropping trou in front of the class?

    Let me tell you about “Girls Night Out.” Last night, I went to a wine bar with 11 other women just for “girl time.” They spent the whole night one-upping each other about the best spa weeks they’d ever attended. Are you kidding me? Spa WEEKS? In NAPA? How about saving for your kids’ educations, or donating to the poor? Ridiculous. People. Are. Ridiculous.

    • I’m sure the reason no one said anything about the Art teacher cause his class was a easy A. And he was always spaced out. No one wanted to ruin a good thing.. I am sure!

      Your girls night out would have led me to more drinking! I have never been to a spa before! So there you go! Burn!
      I kid … that would have been very exhausting! Yep I would have been throwing them down with each one up!

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