Before I get into the actual blog, I will let you know the truth of yesterday’s bold face lies vs truth.
Some of you picked me being the most popular in school. “Stupid Popular” as I call it. I wasn’t … ha ha on you! I was well known but I was still awkward and well I didn’t really develop til last year. True Story!
For those of you who picked I was into politics, you couldn’t be more wrong!!!! I don’t know the first thing about it. I know who the President is gratefully! But that’s it. I am not even registered to vote! Though I should that way I have a get out of
jail work free card!
If any of you picked that I spent one night in a mental hospital, you are wrong! It was 5 days. Just kidding. I was always good at containing my craziness. So no stays at the beautiful mental hospital resort for me.
I am naturally good at everything. But! There it is the BIG BUT. I don’t really ever try anything. It’s due to the deep laziness that resides in me. So technically its all a lie.
Obviously number 5 was correct. I woke one morning after a night of hitting the ganja (I have glaucoma people! JK) and stumbled into the kitchen. My mother was making menudo and there it was: MY BAG of WEED! I royally freaked out. Did she know?!! Was she trying to tell me something? As she seasoned our menudo with it, I was like she thinks it oregano! In conclusion, weed does kill brain cells. It was OREGANO! What a dumb fuck? Who was that girl? I don’t know!
My blog today is dedicated to mothers everywhere especially those who have older children or those who have raised their kids and kicked them out! Your challenges have become my victories ladies. I OWE you BIG!
Also, special thanks to the makers of Crest Whitening Toothpaste. Your shit does remove “stains”.
Finally a big shout out to snips, snails and puppy dog tails. You truly are what little boys are made out of!
And with out this kid … this blog today could not be possible!
I know better than to ever leave this munchkin alone. He is always getting into some shenannigans! Always. He loves to torture his sisters, loves to color my walls, loves to redecorate my house, loved to shred the toliet paper into pieces. He is one piece of work. So I always am checking on him or I am in the same room with the guy.
Well last night I wanted to work on my blog. So I put a movie on for my girls. I put on Barney for my son in my room and I worked at the desk in my room also. Every so often I would glance over at him. He was being a perfect angel watching his old pal Barney on the tube.
After several several minutes I look at him and I see RYAN with a BLACK PERMEANT MARKER
destroying adding some color to my dresser and himself.
Do you see what he did?!?! Gus was gonna fucking kill me. Literally! KILL ME! I immediately googled “black marker on wood” as fast as these fingers could type. So actually it looked like this : bsdflack matnser oy whoyod.
But Google is God, Hova, Yahweh, whatever you wanna call it and knew what the hell I was frantically saying. It took me to this site of these mothers and all their quick fixes. They said toothpaste and a wet cloth should remove it!
So I grabbed my Crest and a wet towel and began applying it the whole damn fucking dresser! This whole time Ryan is standing next to me, covered in black marker, and just looking at me with this sad face. He knew he messed up. I was yelling at him and telling him no. He was nodding and saying ok ok ok ok . We were a sight to behold.
The whole time I am scrubbing and turning my hands beet red from the pressure I started contiplating my inevitable death. Would Gus shoot me? Nah, he wouldn’t want to waste bullets like that. Would he poison me? No, not Gus’s style at all. Plus he has no idea where I hide the rat poison. Oh I know!!!! We have a winner! Gus would ring my neck. Like a chicken! He is very hands on.
But wait what is this?!?!? The dresser was …
Praise mothers everywhere who tried everything for me and finally were like “Oh duh toothpaste!”
Crest: you do whiten and remove stains. My dresser has never been cleaner! Plus I bet it still has that minty fresh breath!
And to the little Picasso …. you are one lucky son of a gun!
Marina:1 Ryan 200,584,071
Not today Ryan! Not today!