Ah welcome my young grasshopper. You have traveled far to learn some divine yet simple truths that exist in our world. A journey begins with a a single step and yes even traveling from your toilet to the computer is a journey we must all take.
Please sit down. The force is strong with you. Very good. Now then, breathe and relax. Open your mind. Let me mystify you. Let me dazzle you. Let me into your mind and … zzzzzzzzzzzz (snore)zzzz .
Oh excuse me, I must have dozed off. Where were we? Ah yes mystifying truths.
1. Sleep is an anomaly. You will spend your entire motherhood life trying to achieve it. If one kid goes down, there is always something else keeping you awake.
2. You will eventually be diagnosed with Mommy Brain. It’s only a matter of time. This morning after I dropped off one kid at school and the other two with their grandmother I began my commute to work. After driving for 15 minutes, I suddenly panicked. Where was I? How did I get here? I don’t remember even the drive. I looked around the car. Did I forget to drop off a kid?
In time, this will be you.
3. Here are two pills: One is red and one is blue. The red pill will give you a great gusto and energy to have sex more. Everyday in fact. The blue pill will give you the power to sleep more. No more early mornings. No children up before 7 am. You will automatically pick the blue pill. Again, you will be too tired to make an accurate choice.
4. Days off are not days off. Whoever thought of this saying is an imbecile. Days off are always days to catch up on all the other work you have not got too. And the honest truth, you will never catch up.
5. The seasons will always work against you. They show no mercy. Winter brings runny noses and colds. Spring also brings runny noses and allergies. Summer and Fall will be the seasons for everything else: ear aches, tummy aches, diarrhea, teething etc etc.
6. Never say you will never be one of those moms who wear sweat pants. In the end, you just won’t give a shit to care what you wear. In fact, going out in a clean sweat pant suit is an improvement.
7. In your twenties, your posse is Capri, Lili, Chris, your sister and many other friends that you hang out with every day of the weekend. Once you become a mama, your posse is your 5-year-old, 3-year-old, 2-year-old, Barney, Strawberry Shortcake, My Little Ponies and Yo Gabba Gabba.
8. All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That’s his.
9. You don’t really understand human nature unless you know why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at his parents every time around – and why his parents will always wave back.
and finally 10. No matter what you may say or feel sometimes, you are awesome. Just think: As a mother, you could perform the jobs of several air-traffic controllers with ease.
Now please go away. Our time is done. I plan to take a nap during my lunch hour.