Yesterday was a bit of a ball buster for me.
Yesterday was one of those that I had to work. You know, instead of being there looking pretty. Which I am totally good at. Totally.
My ass was on office working mode … stat! As soon as I got there, it was like, “Marina can you please create the digital folders for these projects?”
Damnit, can’t I get a fucking donut first?
However we are doing evaluations. So I am also preparing the paperwork on all of it. It also would have been nice to see the memo on that.
When my turn was up, I needed inspiration. I need to dazzle them. So I went with my gut. Time to hit it on over time and go Office Space on their ass. So:
Boss 1: What we’re trying to get a feel for how people spend their day at work… so, if you would, would you walk us through a typical day, for you?
Me: Ok. Yeah.
Boss 2: Great.
Me: Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late. And I go in the sales side so that way it looks like I have been here for a while and was just getting my second helping on coffee, heh heh – and, uh, after that I just sorta space out for about an hour.
Boss 1: Come again?
Me:That’s what she said.
Boss 2: Did she just say what I think she said?
Boss 1: *Confused* Nevermind that. What do you mean spaced out?
Me: Yeah, I just stare at my desk; but it looks like I’m working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch, too. I’d say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work.
I think that went pretty well.
So I head off to the copy room to make copies of some quotes that needed copies perhaps for the past couple of months. Hey I just got back from Christmas vacation… a month ago. Don’t judge.
So immediately, I put the paper work in the feeder. I make some copies. I have these 11×7 maps that need to be copied. So I open the top to lie them face down on the glass to be scanned. Once they are finished I close it, and begin inserting the rest of the papers into the feeder.
The copier then starts beeping declaring that I still have something on the glass. I am sure I took off the maps. And sure enough I did. So I close it and push start. Beep Beep Beep! What the hell now? It’s still telling me there is something on the glass. I keep opening and shutting and still it refuses to do as it is commanded.
So I lean very close to the copier and channel my best Adam Sandler.
“What the fuck copier?! You too good to do your job? You only gotta do one thing. Make fucking copies! And you can’t even do that? Huh? Huh?”
At this point I am kicking it.
“Yeah you’re too good huh? You like that? You like me kicking your ass. Get used to it bitch!”
I turn around and apparently I got a little audience. At this point, I was sweaty and my hair was all frazzled. I smiled and said combing my hair down,” Paper jam. Don’t worry it’s fixed.” And as I walked it I gave it one last kick.
I hate it when a boss comes and sits by your desk and trys to shoot the wind with you. A boss came and sat down and just started small talk.
I looked at him. Why are you doing this? You just gave me a shit load of work you were hoarding at your desk and thought my desk was looking a little bare. And he talked and talked and talked talked and talked and talked. And I was like … umm aren’t I suppose to be working on? Just a thought.
Come on I don’t hang with these millionaires. Nor do I wanna. Not only are they lame cause all bosses are. But cause hello! I don’t party with millions! I party with dollars man! If I had a million dollars, I would buy a monkey and send it to best martial arts place I can find. He will be well-trained in all the arts. He will be the kid I never had!
So all in all, people were annoying. I hung to the clock praying for 5 o ‘clock to fucking come. Finally it did. 8 hours later.God damn ….
My only salvation was Milton and his voice of reason: I could set the building on fire.