Attention: You all should be super happy I am writing this morning. Why?
Because I am freaking alive that’s why.
This weekend was a test of my coordination and reflex and I failed that shit!
Saturday night we were relaxing at the house. My hubby and his brother were chilling outside as men do.
I went to the frig to get a coke and low and behold there was only one left. I knew this would happen. I forgot to grab sodas on Friday when I went grocery shopping and now I was paying for it. Luckily there is a small market at the end of my street. So I asked the guys if they needed anything (cause they always do) and they requested a 6 pack of Blue Moons. So I drove down to the market grabbed my 12 pack of Pepsi, this huge box that was a 12 pack of Blue Moon cause that’s all they had. I was carrying it all to my Tahoe. Let me tell you it was pretty heavy. It maybe added 5 whole lbs to my weight. Sheesh! How to obese people do this?!?
So as I stepped off the curb with my right foot. Instead of landing on my foot, I landed on my ankle completely!
If I had been a virgin at the time of this event, I would have sworn this was the worst pain in the world. Stupid virgins and their naiveness.
So I dropped the soda and the bottles of Blue Moon to the floor and start hopping around. Right in front of me was a cop parked in his car. The bastard watched me for about 5 minutes then asked the most dumb ass question the world.
“Are you ok?”
This f*&#&* cop witnessed everything and he is asking me if I am ok? (Note: I bleep out the bad word in this case because it might not be ok to call a cop a name. Don’t wanna take any chances.)
“No!” I yelled. I wanted to scream and shout. I sat down and tried to evaluate the situation. Please don’t be broken. I fucking can’t even stand on it! Oh god why! They overcharged me for the oranges and I pay for it?! What kind of God are you?!
“You know, that’s how my mother broke her foot,” the cop said out of nowhere still sitting in his car watching the whole thing. I am hopping everywhere, sitting on the curb with fists in the air.
Why are you here, I think to the cop. Why don’t you be annoying to someone who might have broken their foot? I was this close to cop brutality. I wanted to throw a rock at the cruiser.
“Great, ” I managed. What I wanted to say is , “To hell with your mama!”
Serve and protect my ass. How about annoy and question! Or Mock and Scorn or Dumber and Dumber!
So I got to the house. My foot was swollen. SWOLLEN.
At this point, I was like I am drinking.
For the record, I really don’t drink. I can’t drink at home. That’s where I usually am. At home. I am a social drinker. Then again, it may be a psychological thing. Case in point, everything is a psychological thing with me.
Any whoooo, I got drunk on two Blue Moons.
Two. How sad is that!
And I must say I maneuver better when really buzzed. I didn’t hurt myself at all. I was comfortable on the couch tripping out on the news. Oh, the world is so sad.
And then, after two beers I got hungry! Seriously, I got the munchies bad. I had made a roast with potatoes earlier. Man I attacked that thing like a revenging pig! After a while of stuffing my face, I thought, What’s wrong with me? Am I turning into a man?!?
Then I started to feel sick. Like my hangover was hitting me early. I hit the hay after feeling a bit nauseous and I had a headache.
The next morning, my foot was killing me. So my hubby asked me to rub his back. You see? Because my foot was hurting and he was so concerned that he took my mind off my foot to massage him. Psychology works!
My two-year old son saw me touching his dad. He is very jealous of me. He doesn’t like anyone in my lap, hugging me, sitting next to me. Thank god I married Gus before I had Ryan, cause I would never get any action. All he is missing is tattoos and a wife beater.
So he climbs up on the bed where we are at and lunges his Playschool music box at my head causing a welt on my head.
Little b*&%#%## .
I can’t really call him that cause I know who is daddy is.
Seriously if all the unicorns were playing a game of baseball, I would be the last unicorn picked. I would be known as Limpy the Sideunicorn. I would be the most un-coolest unicorn ever. But then I would open a Sideunicorn business where I would be the sideunircorn for crippled people. So there!
So yeah, I am lucky to be alive.
SO what I have learned from all this is that I work better intoxicated.
And that cops are totally dumbasses.