I never have before but I was thinking this year I should set some resolutions for myself. I am not goal orientated at all. On the contrary, my dear readers, I have ADD when it comes to goals.
At first I am so excited, then the feeling fades. And I lose interest. I am surprised I have been writing diligently in this blog for as long as I have. Blogging now has become like eating or taking a dump. Sometimes I don’t mind it and other times I do.
The obvious choice for a resolution ( and its so 2009 ) is exercise. Right now is the time for feeling guilty that I did not make that my goal. Everyone. EVERYONE is hitting the gym. Are you all trying to make me feel like shit? I feel so betrayed. How can you all turn on me like this? Weren’t we all going to get chunky together? Excuse me for being so cynical, but I give you 30 days tops and then you will be crying back to your sofa. Can’t wait to say, “I told you so.”
Other than exercise I think I am utterly perfect. Despite the perfection and arrogance (Aphrodite, you ain’t got nothing on me), I still feel empty. I do need some resolution.
I was listening to a local radio’s morning show and they brought up an interesting point. Douchiness is horrible but will always be remembered. For instance, John Edwards is one of the biggest douchebag ever. I think we can all agree on this. However, after years to come, his name will always be remembered for being a prick.
“You remember that guy Edwards?”
“Yeah that guy. Wasn’t he famous for something?”
“Yeah for being a dick.”
That’s right! ”
“I call him Dick metro can’t keep his john in his pants Edwards.”
And then there are those who did nothing but take care of their family and work hard all their life. They just become pictures in an attic.
I want to be remembered. So I guess this means I gotta become a douche bag.
I started thinking of all things I could do.
The first thing on my list is take some pics of my privies and send them to someone. Totally. If its good enough for Brett Favre I am doing it. Who can I send it too? Maybe Elton John or Boy George?
Second, I am going to shave my head and carry an umbrella with me at all times. You never know when you gotta poke someone to death.
Every time I go into a club, restaurant, or grocery store, I am going to have to charge them. They are being honored by my presence. People pay for that type of celebrity daily. This should not be a problem. And they will play my song over and over. I don’t give a fuck what the Sunset Old Folks Community center says!
I gotta change my vocabulary around. In the douchebag kingdom, there is one phrase that is the most common phrase out there. There are times that it’s funny when people say “your mom”, but normally it’s just plain stupid. However, a sacrifice is a sacrifice.
Normal Person: Hey, what are you doing for lunch today?
Douchebag: Hey, what’s YOUR MOM doing for lunch today?
See, don’t you feel scummy? I don’t but that’s the point. I am supposed to make you feel annoyed/pissed/totally grossed out where I just feel a sense of arrogance and awesomeness. Like normal.
I also feel the need to learn how to pee on buildings correctly.
I need to get a bigger posse. My posse of one (just me folks) needs to be added too. I am going to need someone to hold my umbrella, another person to hold my purse, a person to massage my hands when I get a cramp, someone to tell me I am beautiful at random times. I also need someone to walk in front of me and make sure no one touches me.
My posse will ultimately end the unemployment rate from sky rocketing. However, I don’t care about that. I just need them to hold my shit.
Douchery is going to take a lot of skill and determination. I am doing this for you all. So you don’t have too. Your welcome. I have to change my entire person and begin talking in the third person.
Marina thinks douchery is an essential skill to make the world go ’round. Plus she will more than likely be remembered by the next civilization. You won’t.
So here is to Marina’s new resolution. Marina gives herself 15 minutes before she forgets/gets bored/ or gets arrested for peeing on a building.
Here is to her Douchebag Resolutions!