Gus texted me and said that he stopped at a convenience store and bought a burrito. He concluded that it was the grossest thing he ever ate. Yes, he ate it. All. Gus is never one to waste money. So if he bought, damn right he is going to eat it!
I was immediately annoyed. Hello Rule# 46. Do you not remember? Never purchase and eat a burrito from a corner store. Where do they have an oven to prepare this so-called food? Where is their “designated area” to put it all together? On the counter near the cash register? Never, I repeat, never buy a burrito from a convenience store? Have you seen the weenies cooking on the burner? Never mind! Don’t look!
This made me think of other rules that I apply to my life. I shall share them with you.
Rule# 18 When using a public bathroom, never concentrate on the people who just left the restroom. It can get ugly. All you will picture is them sitting on the toilet as you are about to do. And when you finally sit down and feel the warmth on the toilet … you will only freak out. Just walk in and focus at the task at hand. And get out as quickly as you can!
Rule# 12 Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car. Think about it people.
Rule# 37 You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. Unless you want to hear me remind you that I. am. fat. You must like awkward moments! Good for you.
Rule#26 You can never eat too much candy. If you get sick and throw it up, that’s just telling you: “I’m running on empty! Refuel time!” My kids taught me that one. Am I raising little Platos?
Rule # 8 You only need two tools in your life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn’t, use the tape.
Any rules you live by?