In the room where I sleep … my thoughts overflow.

Factual Statements

*Nothing beats an egg and bacon burrito and salsa from Taco Cabana. If you have no idea what I am talking about, I will ask someone religious to pray for you.

*I am totally stressed out. I have not started my Christmas shopping. Can’t we just cancel the season? I am already depressed with the recent time change.  I just wanna cancel the rest of the year and move forward toward tax season.

*The 7th reason why I had two more kids. Tis the season for additional tax credit 2 and 3! Fa la la la la la la la la! When that check roles in, our home becomes the happiest place on earth. For one week.

*Prince William is getting engaged. So another $1,000,000.00 wedding? Oh, it’s not  one million anymore? That’s now too cheap?! What happened to the romantic old-fashioned way of running to the courthouse on your lunch break to get hitched?!?!

*Scratch that. Nothing beats a bacon and egg burrito with salsa and the perfect coffee. Like 50 creamers and sugars! I am snorting it right at this minute.

*Barking orders at your husband is fun. When he does it, it’s just annoying it. Why is that? Ahhh, the mysteries of the world.

*Can I have the Thanksgiving dinner catered at my house? Seriously like, can Emeril come  and just do the dinner for me? I’ll never leave his side as long as I keep getting refills of wine.

*I need to take multiple breaks at work. Staring at a computer all day just kills me. I think I will take up smoking. That or maybe snorting coffee more frequently.

*I saw my kids lists for Christmas. Oh my sweet Jesus Mother and donkey!  I am pretty sure I will need a second job just to accommodate them. And then after Christmas, when I see the bills for that, I’ll probably need to get another job for that.

*Don’t judge homeless people. It’s takes a real special person to go with out a shower for days and sit in the sun for hours.

*Dear Santa,

This is Marina here. All I want for Christmas or Kwanza is for a distant unknown relative to kick the bucket and have me as their sole heir to their entire fortune. The key is the relative needs to be lloooaaddeed! So if you can get some of your elf buddies to do this job, I will be extremely good the rest of the year.  Yes, that means no following the guys that cut me off in traffic and putting water in the oil tank. I understand that’s why I didn’t get jack last Christmas.

*On every mother’s Christmas list: Something hard like Vodka or Jack.

*My three-year old asked me what mistletoe was.  I looked at her, her eyes all big in wonderment. I answered very simply, “It a type of plant that gives you a very very bad red rash if you stand under it, near it, around it. Don’t even touch it! Not for 30 years.”

*After the circus, my kids now want an elephant. I immediately called the zoo if they have kid placement centers somewhere near the elephant exhibit.

*If I have to question if you’re gay, you probably are gay. If you don’t realize it yet, that’s fine. Many people don’t know that they are douchebags, stupid, etc. Hell, I just found I am eccentric.

*If there is a conversation around you but doesn’t include you, don’t get up laughing and immediately join in on the conversation. That’s just sad.

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Comments on: "Factual Statements" (18)

  1. I have only bought one Xmas present so far this season. Ugh. Stressed is not the term I’d use. 😉 I would LOVE to have my holiday catered. Ok so if you take Emeril, I’ll take Paula Dean. Hell, lets just storm the Food Network Studios and take hostages. If we go to jail that’s three square meals a day and a quiet place to sleep. Jail sounds more like a vacation to me than anything.

    Snort more coffee before taking up smoking. If all else fails, a Folgers IV works quite nicely.

    My motto: “A cranberry and vodka a day keeps the voices at a whisper” 🙂 Quiet! They’ll hear you.

    • Duh! I never thought about a Folgers IV. Awesome.
      You’re right … jail will be like the Bahamas. Should I rob a bank or attempt to kill someone? Decisions Decisions!

    • SERIOUSLY?? Are you my twin?? LOL!
      Can I be in on the heist?? I would sell my kidneys to have Thanksgiving catered and someone ELSE – key word ELSE – clean up after. I can do Jail – apparently I am “in” a gang so I can offer protection for all of us.
      I have done all the above – “Snort more coffee before taking up smoking. If all else fails, a Folgers IV works quite nicely.” now I just put alcohol in my “coffee” mug – people will start to want to be around you more – after all your the happiest person EVER!!! Oh wait maybe thats just my invisible friends cheering me on, anywho at least I have a support group 🙂

  2. How true u sre!

  3. Most what i read online is trash and copy paste but your blog is different. Bravo.

  4. Really appreciate this post. It’s hard to sort the good from the bad sometimes, but I think you’ve nailed it!

  5. What’s Happening i am new to this, I stumbled upon this I’ve found It absolutely useful and it has helped me out loads. I hope to contribute & help other users like its helped me. Great job.

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