Everyone I work with is a Christian. Real Christians. And no not the psychotic crazy kind. Just the kind that forcibly want you to drink their kool-aid.
“But I am sugar-retardant!”
“God alright! Alright I’ll drink it! Damn so pushy!”
So the other day, I came in all sad. I had run over an already ran over cat. Even though it was massacred already, I still felt bad. One of the guys asked what was wrong. I told him. His answer shocked me, “That is sad. But don’t worry you’re not going to hell. Animals don’t have souls.”
Now in slow motion with a deep voice, “Anniiimmaalllss dddonnn”tt hhaavvee sooouuullls.”
Are you serious? I looked around. They all nodded. No, animals do not have souls.
So you mean to tell me that All Dogs Go To Heaven I and II was a sham?? So there is no dog or cat heaven for them to play, eat countless of pet delicacies, and sleep lazily under the sun? I feel so naked, so exposed. It’s like my worst fears coming true. Pet Cemetery was a joke! Cujo will never meet his maker? Oh the horror! The tragedy!
Then I thought about it. Animals DO TOO have souls! And I stomped my feet and stuck my tongue at them. Put down your kool-aid and listen to me!
God created animals just the way he created us. We make this planet special with all the breathing living life on it. We add to the beauty. Animals like everything else have to HAVE a purpose. And just because you don’t know the answer doesn’t mean you gotta make up some bull shit excuse. I am not buying it. No, No I am not!
By this time I am clutching my copy of All Dogs Go To Heaven and scraping the cat guts off my front tires with my shoe.
You are wrong Christians! Your religion is making God cry, right fucking now! Thank God you don’t run the country.
Wait, what do muslims believe?
Then I heard, “There is another rat in the warehouse.”
My desk is right near the warehouse.
I yelled, “Kill that muthafucker! Kill them all!”
Disclamer: In response to a few response, I hope one day our country legalizes pot. And God would so totally by cool about it. Cause he made it! And when I am lighting up and people stare at me in disgust, I’ll just say, “Hitting this joint, building roads and bridges man! I love my country! What are you doing for yours? Puff Puff Pass Dat Shit!”
And no, this blog was not written under the Marijuana substance. Because again, it is not legal …. yet!