Seriously, if we can’t get ethanol to be as widespread or attainable, perhaps we can contact the secretary in the front to start making batches and shipping them out. Hell, if crack heads are your problem, give them a hit of this “coffee”. Talk about scared straight!
Today my heart is a bit heavy. I am very annoyed right now. And I hate to vent but then I remembered this blog is called Marinasleeps. That’s me. It’s my blog so I can vent if I efffin want too!
Truth is I wanna say this because its needs to get off my chest somewhere and maybe, maybe someone out there can relate and tell me to either straighten up, man up, or shut up.
My troubles are as the hood would call it “baby’s mama” troubles.
The problem? It’s because she exists. It’s because we breathe the same air. It’s because she has to see my man. It’s because she knows about my life, my kids. It’s because she still talks to my in-laws. It’s because she has a control in my life. It’s because she was with my husband for 6 years! It’s because she just might be prettier than me. This list can go on and on.
And I know all the reasoning behind it. Who cares about her?!?! You are married to him. He wants to be with you! He loves you. But what if … what if it’s not enough? I came into this relationship understanding that she would exist. Yet never did I think I would see her so much. I had no idea that how much it would affect me. I mean who can predict anyone’s breaking point or how much your cup can hold!
When my mother in law died, she was there and acted like she was the part of the family. When it was only my husband and his brothers at the end of the funeral and everyone had left, she stayed! WTF! Total disrespect to me. And everyone was looking at me! Because she sat with my husband and I during the entire funeral like we were one big happy family. Everyone told me later how uncomfortable they were. YEAH!? You were?!?! So the fuck was I! Doesn’t this bitch get it? She is no longer part of the family. In fact, they really really dislike her. Truth is, she is a half-ass mom. She lets my husband’s son run wild and spoils him materially just so he can leave her alone. She doesn’t mind that he plays his X-Box 360 24/7 because he is not bothering her with anything. If she can get rid of him, she will. She works full-time in a job that doesn’t focus on having a family. So she leaves him with ANYONE!
And yet this sorry excuse of a person has to have some staple in my life. And sometimes, sometimes it’s just so overwhelming. I can’t take it. I feel like I am coming apart at the seams. My husband is always reminding me he is on Team Marina! Really? I sometimes feel like it’s the other way around. He HAS to kiss her ass. He has to be cool with her. He is all ballsy with me but with her he loses his nuts. Yesterday was his birthday. She sent him a text saying Happy Birthday. He doesn’t care. But that shit bothers me. Wouldn’t he have a fit if someone I dated emailed/texted/called and wished me a Happy Birthday? I can say YES! But I can’t react to her. He told me that I let her bother me too much which in turn bothers our relationship. He said I worship her.
I feel somewhat warranted to these feelings and I think, Well maybe I am not so strong after all. Am I shallow? Petty? Weak? Immature?
Today I am this close to a nervous breakdown because all I want… all I want is someone someone to understand me. But I know (but I am denial) that someone understanding me doesn’t change my situation. The only way I can change my situation is me hitting the road. And that’s not gonna happen. Cause I love Gus and our kids need us to make it work for. But ultimately it’s because I am forever with Gus. Despite all this bullshit.
I just need something to make this spoonful of shit go down easier.
Wow, at least I can breathe now. The lump on my throat was on fire and I have swallowed it. I am going to now take another hit of this coffee.