I think everyday to whom ever deserves there should be an award given. Sometimes I am the person who fell the most at the office. Bam! Clumsy award goes to Marina. Her knees will never see the light of another day under all that Neosporin!
Well todays award goes to my sister who yesterday managed to piss me off though I laughed it off at the time. All I did was ask a question and she called me DUMB! The nerve! Hmph!
I asked, “If I manage to squeeze my fat ass in skinny jeans, are they still called skinny jeans?” These are the facts of life I just want to verify!
She laughed and said, “You’re dumb.”
So here is to you Laura. This award will remain namelesss. I think it speaks for itself.
No hard feelings Laura.
Awww, and it comes with a little flower and everything.
I have a theory at the office. I have been getting to know a certain an employee (not by choice have you!) and I have reached the conclusion (had I worked in human resources) that he is emotionally unstable. Clearly! Right now, everything is going good for him. He just received a promotion, landed himself a really young girlfriend that he is now recently engaged too. Yeah took him three weeks. A little paranoid. I say yes!
All it will take is a major blow to his “world” and soon we all at the office might be seeing dead people!
Seriously folks, this might seem a little mean. But well, I seem to be getting mean in my old age. So there it is ….
His prototype, you know after my diagnosis, is very needy. He needs attention whether he is being treated good or bad. And for some reason, the office loser (ME!) has forgotten to erase the apparent words of FRIENDS that seems to be marked on my forehead. So he comes and shares E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G with me. How else can I spell unwelcome?
“Guess what?” asked the potential postal worker. (And by that I don’t mean mail carrier)
“How bout no?”
“I proposed to my girlfriend … just now.” Giggle Giggle.
At first, I was gonna slam him by saying how fucking romantic bro! You did it over the phone?!? But then I thought no, he thrives for this. Less angry more indifference!
“Eh.” shrug my shoulder. ” I have heard better proposals.”
“You think that was bad? I told her I just couldn’t wait anymore and that I think of her every day and ….”
About this time I nodded at him as I slipped on my earphones. And I went back to my work. It got me thinking …. this might be why I don’t have any friends. The whole I don’t give a crap really doesn’t say come here you need a hug. Hmmm, what should I make for dinner tonight? We still have some leftovers. Maybe I can get away with a left over night. What time is it? Almost lunch time.
I look up and fool is still there! What in tarnation! And his lips are still moving. I take off my ear pieces.
“… her mother wants the wedding next summer but I think we can have an early spring wedding. I just want it done, set you know.”
“So you can have her locked up so she can’t get away without having to go through the whole trouble of a divorce?”
“I promised her we would honeymoon in the Bahamas.”
He is like a woman. A short bald woman. Shudder.
So yes, somehow I have befriended him against my will. The other guys in the office are probably breathing a sign of relief. Marina sure took one for the team.
Maybe this will be my free- get- out- of- being- killed- during- his -postal- moment- card.
Seriously I sit by the door and every time it opens I think, today is the day. And then I think, I am going to die eating this stupid donut and drinking my coffee with creamer that refuses to dissolve so now there are floaters in my coffee.