You know when you do something really well and you’re just so proud. Well, I give great advice. That’s what I am so proud of. It’s just a knack I have. And I think it’s very inviting. I welcome people’s questions and then I bless them with the best answer possible . And so far, 100% happy customers. Maybe I should think about becoming a therapist!!!
The other day while I was waiting in the line at the grocery store this young girl just started talking to me. She looked about 22 or 23 and she had a screaming toddler in her cart. I just happened to meet her gaze and she took that as an invitation to express her self to me.
“He is sick.” she said very matter of factly.
I didn’t ask, but ok. “Poor thing. Cold?”
“Yea. He is always sick. Do you have any kids?”
“I have tried everything. But he just won’t stop getting sick. Do you recommend anything?”
I nodded. “Put him a hamster ball.”
“A hamster ball. One built for a human of course.”
“What will that do?”
“Are you serious? Hamster balls are the coolest. In your case, it will keep your baby confined. He won’t be able to get sick from people because he will be safely in the ball. He won’t be able to touch dirty things and put them in his mouth. As you roll him around, he will stay germ free! And think what that will mean for you? When you’re bored, you can take him to the park and roll him down hill! That would be awesome. And when jealous people throw bottles and trash at him, he will be 100% safe in his secure bubble! Plus no one puts their children on leashes anymore. Word is its inhumane. Who knew?!?”
This was the time she walked away from me. Leaving her cart and groceries. She probably felt the urgency to go find a hamster ball for her son.
“Glad I could help,” I yelled after her. It always feels good helping someone else out.
The other day my mother was yelling at me for getting my tattoo. Hello, mother I am 26 years old. A grown mature woman. I felt the need to express my self with permanent ink on my lower back with a sexy mostly naked fairy. What she is expressing about I am still not quite sure… but that’s not the point! Or, I have yet to figure that out. Everyone can judge my trampiness. It’s a must before I am too old to wear short shirts. Cause 30 is around the corner people!
Mother stated, “Well you will know how I feel if the girls get tattoos.”
“Oh yeah, well I plan to get mother and daughters’ tattoos soon. Actually when the girls are 8 and 7.”
“What?! You’re joking.”
“Why would I joke about that? Ink on the skin is sexy mom.”
“They don’t let kids get tattoos.”
“Without a parents consent. I will be getting on too. So it’s all cool,” I said smacking my gum and twirling my hair. God, she used to be cool. She used to be a hippie. Where was the love now?
“Look mom, I wanna express that we all possess the same carefree DNA.”
“It’s not decent! It’s like saying, Look what we lack in brains we make up in trashiness!”
“That’s so not fair mom. You’re not thinking of all the pros. For one, we will constantly be mistaken as sisters. How cool is that? It’ll also be like bonding. Especially fashion bonding. We all can go out and by matching sexy tight midriffs. And you know they will teenagers soon, and during those awkward moments when there is nothing to say I will be like, “Hey is your tat is itchy? I think we totally need an update on it. What do you think?’ And then bye-bye awkward silence. And think of the all the badass bar tricks we will be able to do …”
“I can’t believe you’re my daughter.”
“Well if you need help remembering, you should definitely get a tat.”
“Uh, your like a hillbilly.”
So you see, I have been using my god given talent to express and teach. In turn, people are seeking me out. I am helping women with their relationship problems (His job is to make the money, yours is to spend it!), women with their teenage daughters (Rent their rooms out for extra cash), and even who to blame problems on (your kids). Maybe I should open my own clinic. I feel I will do quite well.