In the race for corporate climb, I have decided to be a maverick in the industry. I want a raise and I need to be noticed. I need to stick out like poo on a shoe, like the car wreck on the road, like the massive white bloated zit between the eyes. Yes, if I am going to succeed I need to stick out like something sore. The biggest and worst thing that could befall an employee is to be unknown. Imagine your walking by some colleagues and you say good morning. They give you a weird look and mutter, “Who the hell is that?” Cause in an office of 18, you can quickly get unnoticed. This was me at 8:30 am. So here are my endeavors on succeeding in getting that promotion!
1. Make an entrance. Why do you think the ice cream truck plays annoying ass songs over and over and over? Well, yes to annoy the hell out of you, but also cause kids like annoying things. It makes it annoying ass entrance on your street and children flock to it. It’s brilliant. So with that in mind, I am now coming in with old tattered clothes spray painted with cartoon characters on it like Bugs Bunny, Hulk, Zelda, Super Mario (I am going old school with the cartoons) and in my hand a boom box blaring STX’s greatest hits. What’s more annoying and attention grabbing at that? Wait, does STX even have a greatest hits album? I might have to check on that. And on top of that, if you are supposed to be in the office at 7:30 am, arrive at 8:30 am. The element of surprise is a wonderful thing. And don’t be afraid to use some bass!! If it’s too loud, your too old people.
2. You need to appear intelligent at all time. You need to show your bosses how much you know. Ever notice how they are always interrupting you and giving you their opinion whether it’s during a conversation, speech, proposal whatever? Well there is a certain saying that I living by: Do onto others as what you would have them do to you. Don’t worry boss! I am reading you loud and clear. This is how my early morning conversation went with my boss.
Boss: Good Morning Marina. How was your weekend?
Boss: Mine was good too. Took the kids to the lake …
Me: Are you serious? To the lake? Do you know the infested waters we have now a days?
Boss: Infested what.. no it was a real nice….
Me: Thousands of germs accumulate daily in the germ infested pools. Think of the diseases! Think of the animals that consider that lake their personal shit-pot! I can’t believe you took your kids there. It raises question to the type of parent you are!
Boss: Well… uh … I didn’t think …
Me: Of course you didn’t think. That’s the problem. (Around this time I am tapping his head with my finger) When was the last you did?
And I walked away just like that. I didn’t turn around cause I didn’t want to risk the chance of spoiling my sheer display of confidence. But I could tell .. he was taken back with my confidence and bright ideas. He could see I was thinking ahead, being one step ahead. This is in the bag my friends. The point is you can’t let them get a word in edge wise. You will look weak and dumb. Stay ahead of the game. Even if your shouting you are wearing your blue underwear. The spontaneity will leave him speechless.
3. I touched a little about this next tip a little in the second bit of advice but I am now gonna turn the heat up, bbq style! One of the best things you can do is have an opinion. About everything! Having an opinion puts you in the dont-mess-with-me category. They won’t be underestimating you anytime soon. And once you state an opinion don’t give an explanation! Here are a few examples:
I was standing next to the receptionist and our brand new copier. She was just finishing making copies and stated to me,” Aren’t these new copies so legible”
Me: No they look like shit.
Her (uncomfortable and clearly in awe): You liked our old copier better?
Me: Hell no.
Later on in the morning, I was in the meeting with some of the staff. We were discussing where we should go in buying office supplies. Our old supplier went under.
Member of staff: So what do we say on Office Depot?
A few of them agree, I on the other state the facts! “They are for shit!”
Member of staff: Excuse me Marina. Uh, why do you say that?
Me: Office Depot can f&%$ off!
Member of Staff: Ok we get you don’t like them. Any good reason?
Member of Staff: Staples?
Me: URGHHHH, Staples blows!
Member of Staff: You have a problem with Staples too?!? What now?
Me: Eat shit Staples!!!
Member of Staff: We need to decide on something now!
Me: You can rot in hell!
And that meeting turned out to be very productive. We all got everything on the table and took care of business.